am I being too stubborn?

[Els]

1 minute ago, keysiea said:

I have done this in the summer when we met and I felt soooo bad coming home to the bowls all licked empty and water empty and so on. They were so hungry.

What about a timed feeder?

1 minute ago, keysiea said:

It’s not a long ride actually. The train ride itself is 45 minutes and it’s 1 hour house to house. I live right by the train station and he does too. People commute this distance every day here. It’s a nice new train as well. We don’t even mind the train ride. And it’s not a one sided investment bc I like to think I give A LOT in the relationship. For example in the fall we went on our first holiday together and I booked and planned the whole trip myself. We are planning another trip in June and I am already planning everything. I plan our weekends, what we do and what we eat. All he has to do is get on a train…  

Okay, with all due respect, planning what to do and eat is not really comparable to spending an extra 2 hours every weekend on maintaining your relationship - and I'm saying this as the person doing all the planning in my relationship. Yes, it's 1 hr house to house, so the return trip is 2 hours.

Do you or do you not travel to him 25% of the time? There seems to be a bit of confusion over the interpretation of your post.

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, keysiea said:

I have done this in the summer when we met and I felt soooo bad coming home to the bowls all licked empty and water empty and so on. They were so hungry.

You can leave a lot of food out for cats and they will only eat what they need, they won't over-eat till they vomit like dogs. There are water fountains for cats that will distribute fresh water automatically when the water in the bowl gets low. 

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, keysiea said:

Also, I love him. 

Is he in love as well? What is the plan concerning the distance? One of you has to be ready/willing to move closer to the other one. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, keysiea said:

Unfortunately that would be very cruel to them as they are cats. 

Cats can stay alone for days with water and food. Even if you have someone stopping by to feed them and check their water, they should be fine very other weekend. 

[keysiea]

7 minutes ago, Els said:

What about a timed feeder?

Okay, with all due respect, planning what to do and eat is not really comparable to spending an extra 2 hours every weekend on maintaining your relationship - and I'm saying this as the person doing all the planning in my relationship. Yes, it's 1 hr house to house, so the return trip is 2 hours.

Do you or do you not travel to him 25% of the time? There seems to be a bit of confusion over the interpretation of your post.

The first months we were doing 50/50 and sometimes I would also visit him for a day or so during the week bc my work was very chill during this time (I work from home). Christmas there was an incident with my mom and since then I had to make a boundary and prefer to not ask her to feed the cats anymore. I ask my dad to do it now once a month and for him it’s a big deal bc he hates driving the car and he has to drive here. So this is the current compromise. 

It’s been like this since Christmas and it wasn’t like this before. Since then we have the conundrum where he feels I am not visiting him enough  

Also, I spent about 3-4 hours in the kitchen each weekend cooking for him and I don’t think it’s fair to say that sitting in a train for two hours each week is more of a burden than preparing meals or planning trips and weekends. I put a lot of effort in everything I do. 

[keysiea]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Is he in love as well? What is the plan concerning the distance? One of you has to be ready/willing to move closer to the other one. 

Yes he is in love with me so much. 

We talk about moving in together in theory every now and then and that’s not very unlikely to happen, but it’s also a difficult market. I actually am checking the website with apartments very often in hopes to find our dream apartment. 

[Gaeta]

I think your cats would be just fine by themselves for 2 days. You're working from home so it's not like you work long days outside and you've got to leave them alone on weekends on top of that. Instead of leaving Friday night, you could leave Saturday and come back Sunday. They would be fine and they have each other to entertain themselves. Only leaving Saturday morning would help ease your guilt. I know how it is, I had a dog for 14 years and I felt guilt all of those 14 years each time I would step out of the house. 

That being said, I still think your bf is being childish, for all the reasons I named in my previous posts. It's a really toxic tactic of his to push you to contact your mother, and not visiting you this weekend was his way of punishing you. 

Don't be too in a hurry to move in together. You've only known him for 6 months. You are weekends bf/gf, you don't know enough about him but you are surely seeing a new side of him today, right. 

Edited February 10, 2023 by Gaeta

[Els]

1 hour ago, keysiea said:

The first months we were doing 50/50 and sometimes I would also visit him for a day or so during the week bc my work was very chill during this time (I work from home). Christmas there was an incident with my mom and since then I had to make a boundary and prefer to not ask her to feed the cats anymore. I ask my dad to do it now once a month and for him it’s a big deal bc he hates driving the car and he has to drive here. So this is the current compromise. 

Sorry, I'm still really confused. So you DO currently travel to him one weekend every month, when your dad comes to feed the cats? But he wants you to travel to him TWO weekends every month and is not happy with one weekend? Is that correct? Or have you not visited him at all since Christmas?

As I asked, what about a timed feeder?

1 hour ago, keysiea said:

It’s been like this since Christmas and it wasn’t like this before. Since then we have the conundrum where he feels I am not visiting him enough  

If he was the only one travelling since Christmas, then I'm with him on this. If you are currently still travelling one weekend every month, then I think he should try to accept that you are already meeting him halfway. 

1 hour ago, keysiea said:

Also, I spent about 3-4 hours in the kitchen each weekend cooking for him and I don’t think it’s fair to say that sitting in a train for two hours each week is more of a burden than preparing meals or planning trips and weekends. I put a lot of effort in everything I do. 

Does he expect you to spend 3-4 hours cooking for him the way you expect him to travel every weekend to see you??? Can't you just get takeaway or go out to eat sometimes? 3-4 hours of cooking in 2 days sounds like an unnecessary amount of time. If you enjoy and want to do that then that's on you, but I don't think it's necessary for your relationship the way travelling is.

Look, the crux of it is this. You want him to travel because you prefer spending the weekend at your own home, and you don't want to break things off with him. But what about what he wants?

He has made it quite clear that he's not happy with the way things are here. We don't always get everything we want in life - you are probably going to have to choose. If you truly feel he's being unreasonable and you are not going to change anything, then that's fine. It's not at all a wrong decision on your part. But you have to accept that it will probably lead to the relationship breaking down. It's your call.

[Alpacalia]

There are valid boundaries between you and your mother, and they need to be respected.

If you don't feel comfortable asking her to look after your pets, that's okay. You can look for other alternatives. Which you're doing. 

Also, if spending one weekend a month at his place is a compromise that you're comfortable with, then it's okay to stick to that.

Alternatively, I think a good compromise would be to alternate weekends, but also to compromise on the days and hours you are spending together. For example, you could agree to spend 2-3 days at your boyfriend's place each month, with the weekend days split between your place and his. You could also agree to schedule days during the week where you could meet halfway between your two cities, or you could visit each other for a day or two during the week. That way, you can both get to spend time at your boyfriend's place, while still being able to spend time with your pets.

From your boyfriend's perspective, he is is also trying to find a way to make both of you happy, and that he simply doesn't understand the boundaries you have with your mother. It's understandable that he would want to spend more time at his place, as it is his home and it's important to him that you feel comfortable there. He would like to spend more time at his place to feel like a more equal partner in the relationship and to feel like his home is just as much a part of your lives together as yours is. It's important to listen to his perspective and to work towards finding a solution that works for both of you.

It might also be helpful to reflect on your own feelings of insecurity and independence. It's okay to ask for help and depend on others, and it might help you feel more relaxed and comfortable if you have a better support system in place. 

I hope you can figure this out. Wish you luck!

[BaileyB]

I’m curious as to why you spend 3-4 hours cooking for him on the weekend. When I could only see my partner on the weekends, time was precious and I did not want to spend it cooking. We would get takeout, or we would cook together, we would take turns cooking, etc…

It’s not a competition, it does not matter who sacrifices more - him when he travels or you in the kitchen. If you want to be happy, you both need to sacrifice. 

I agree with Gaeta, if you work at home your cats are not lonely or lacking affection. They will be fine if you leave Saturday’s morning and come home Sunday night. Put some food and water out for them and go visit your boyfriend…At least, that’s what I would do in your position. 

Edited February 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

Feeding pets isn't the problem. My guess is that you feel overattached to them because of the dynamic with your parents and also because you do not feel you have a good support system outside of your home.

Working towards independence from your home environment and building an outside network of support for yourself will make it easier for you to leave kitties for a few hours and I guarantee you'll feel a whole lot better.

Edited February 11, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, keysiea said:

 feel a bit out of my comfort zone and it always feels like i am uprooting my whole life for a three day weekend

It seems like an impasse that's not really just about cats. You seem to rather be at your home. If you're more of a homebody, that's fine but be upfront about it rather than blaming the cats and pet sitting issues.

Reflect on what the real issues are. Because arguing about pets and availability of reliable pet sitters seems to be dancing around the real issue of preferring to stay in your house.

It will be a lot easier to come up with a solution if you get closer to the heart of the matter (preferring to stay home) rather than peripheral arguments about pets and family pet sitting.

[keysiea]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like an impasse that's not really just about cats. You seem to rather be at your home. If you're more of a homebody, that's fine but be upfront about it rather than blaming the cats and pet sitting issues.

Reflect on what the real issues are. Because arguing about pets and availability of reliable pet sitters seems to be dancing around the real issue of preferring to stay in your house.

It will be a lot easier to come up with a solution if you get closer to the heart of the matter (preferring to stay home) rather than peripheral arguments about pets and family pet sitting.

It wasn’t really an issue when I still had the pet sitters aka my mom (and dad). Since the big altercation with my mother on christmas, i do not feel comfortable anymore asking her to pet sit. Now leaving home for a weekend and leaving the cats alone just feels wrong to me. Of course I am more comfortable at home. But this also has mainly to do with me not feeling so good about leaving them alone. I have considered getting a pet cam so I can have more peace of mind when I am not home. 

[keysiea]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Feeding pets isn't the problem. My guess is that you feel overattached to them because of the dynamic with your parents and also because you do not feel you have a good support system outside of your home.

Working towards independence from your home environment and building an outside network of support for yourself will make it easier for you to leave kitties for a few hours and I guarantee you'll feel a whole lot better.

I definitely feel very attached to them, but that’s because they are my responsibility. I would not call it over attachment. It’s not an issue to me to leave them with someone responsible when I am gone. I spent a significant amount of time traveling in the past 10 years, sometimes being gone for up to a month, and left them with a close friend or, as of recently, my mother. 

Since moving here I have only her to care for the cats and it’s been ok up until Christmas. My boundary is very important. Again, up until then I spent a lot of time at my boyfriends place; sometimes even during the week. 

 

[Acacia98]

I don't think there's anything wrong with him wanting you to spend more time at his place. Realistically, though, your circumstances place restrictions on you. So if he can't accommodate your situation in the long-term and if you can't figure out arrangements that would enable you to spend more time at his place, you are both going to have to accept that you are not compatible. Loving each other is great, but you also need other ingredients to make a relationship viable.

Are there professional house-sitting/cat-sitting options that you can look into in your area? You could try them out while keeping a close eye on things so that you can figure out whether the sitter is trustworthy.Then when you actually have to go out of town, you'll have someone reliable to call.

[Gaeta]

Everything is relative, for some 1 hour travel is a lot, for others it's nothing. I spend 1 hour in my car each morning to go to work, another hour to come back at night. Every day of the week for 20 years. To me an hour transit once a week to be at your girlfriend is nothing. It's equal to a moment you can take to decompress, read, watch the news. Is it that much of a big deal to him? Is it the travel that's a big deal or he would prefer being in his city cause there is more to do etc?

OP, yes your cats are your responsibility but cats are independant they will not mind 48 hours alone. Last time they took revenge on you cause they lacked food and water. Make sure that doesn't happen again.  In all litterature about cats they say it's fine to leave them 2 days, even your vet will tell you it's ok for 48 hours so why do you hang on to you have to be there each day? 

 

[BaileyB]

I doubt that his concern is about the actual travel. My guess is that he resents the fact that he is always the one travelling, always the one sleeping in a bed that is not his, always the one packing and unpacking,  always the one who gets home at the end of the weekend and feels like he is not ready for another week - it feels unbalanced after a while. It’s exhausting. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, keysiea said:

They will always come first. A friend of mine just gave her cats away after moving in with her new boyfriend who she met in November. I don’t understand that mentality. Pets are family. 

People in relationships make hard decisions about pets all the time. When I met my partner, he had a cat. I am allergic. I loaded up on allergy medication and suffered for a few years until the cat died. Now, we have no cat. He would very much like to get another cat, but it’s a hard no for me. Ideally, would be great if you found a partner who tolerates your pets - and that seems to be what your boyfriend is willing to do. That’s wonderful. But, it would be a darn shame if you lost a good guy because you didn’t want to leave your cats alone for the weekend (when they are perfectly capable of staying alone). 

If it works for him to come to your house all the time, that’s fine. But, it doesn’t. So, you need to give a little more. He is not being unreasonable in expecting you to meet him halfway. And, cooking him dinner when he comes to your house almost every weekend is not halfway.

I too think the fact that you have some conflict with your parents and the fact that you work at home has caused you to become over attached to your cats and your home. I think Alpacalia gave good advice above. 
 

Edited February 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, keysiea said:

He turned up at my door at 9pm last night as a surprise. Said he doesn’t wanna spend weekend without me. 

That's very nice Keysiea. I am glad he did that. That was a big gesture on his part so you have to do something in return. You get on amazon and order cats feeders and give this weekend away another try. If installing a camera makes you feel better go ahead and do it. 

Still have a conversation with him about respecting the boundaries  you've put in place with your mother. 

[keysiea]

51 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

People in relationships make hard decisions about pets all the time. When I met my partner, he had a cat. I am allergic. I loaded up on allergy medication and suffered for a few years until the cat died. Now, we have no cat. He would very much like to get another cat, but it’s a hard no for me. Ideally, would be great if you found a partner who tolerates your pets - and that seems to be what your boyfriend is willing to do. That’s wonderful. But, it would be a darn shame if you lost a good guy because you didn’t want to leave your cats alone for the weekend (when they are perfectly capable of staying alone).
 

mh don’t wanna get off topic but being allergic is different from giving away cats bc of some dude you just met for no good reason. she’s moving into his place and they don’t allow cats there.  what a betrayal. i was so shocked. like, you have known this dude for two months! you have had your cats for almost a decade! she’s even rehoming them apart from each other super sad. i could never do that. i am so happy my boyfriend loves cats and loves MY cats and cuddles with them all weekend. definitely would be a dealbreaker if he would give me ultimatums about them. 

56 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

too think the fact that you have some conflict with your parents and the fact that you work at home has caused you to become over attached to your cats and your home.

not over attached, very well therapized (8 years) and very in tune with my attachment issues. i have clear boundaries with others and myself and am well balanced emotionally. my home is my save haven but i am not bound to it. i spent a whole month last year living with buddhist nuns in thailand and am quite adaptable to other places. 

45 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You get on amazon and order cats feeders and give this weekend away another try. If installing a camera makes you feel better go ahead and do it. 

yes i will install cat feeders and cameras for next weekend. wish me luck. 

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, keysiea said:

mh don’t wanna get off topic but being allergic is different from giving away cats bc of some dude you just met for no good reason. she’s moving into his place and they don’t allow cats there.  what a betrayal. i was so shocked. like, you have known this dude for two months! you have had your cats for almost a decade! she’s even rehoming them apart from each other super sad. i could never do that.

Not the same, but still hard to accommodate and neither of us is ultimately happy with the compromise. My point being, discussions and decisions about pets can be very difficult. And relationships are all about compromise. 

I would not have rehomed my own pet in the circumstance you describe, I wouldn’t have moved in with the guy after two months. But that’s what she chose to do. That’s obviously her decision. 

Glad to hear that you are going to visit him next weekend. Enjoy your weekend and good luck next week! 

 

Edited February 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

It would give you and your bf more time together if you cooked before he came over so you don't have to spend so much time in the kitchen or order take out.

Also you never answered Els question if you do in fact travel to his house 25% of the time.  Why?

[glows]

1 hour ago, keysiea said:

yes i will install cat feeders and cameras for next weekend. wish me luck. 

Good luck. I hear the pet cams can be entertaining to watch too.

I read the thread but don’t recall anything about this - is your boyfriend thinking of moving to your area eventually? You had mentioned looking for a place together. 

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, keysiea said:

I definitely feel very attached to them, but that’s because they are my responsibility. I would not call it over attachment. It’s not an issue to me to leave them with someone responsible when I am gone. I spent a significant amount of time traveling in the past 10 years, sometimes being gone for up to a month, and left them with a close friend or, as of recently, my mother. 

Since moving here I have only her to care for the cats and it’s been ok up until Christmas. My boundary is very important. Again, up until then I spent a lot of time at my boyfriends place; sometimes even during the week. 

 

That's fine if it's your boundary.

That said, worrying about the state of your relationship and if you are being stubborn is not considered overreacting if your boyfriend does not feel like a priority in your relationship. The state of your relationship is NOT good. It’s not good at all. Does that mean your relationship is “doomed”? Maybe. You're in danger of your relationship ending if he feels his needs can't be met and your feelings are also not taken into account. Because where do you go from there? He'll either accept that his needs won’t be met and decide to be fine with that (which sounds pretty awful), or if there’s a way to make them a little more possible to meet, or the relationship will just fizzle out.

At the very least, this seems to be a case of bad timing. The two of you may be good matches long-term (if you share interests and values, enjoy companionship, and have similar future goals), but in the short-term, you don't seem to be able to meet each other's needs. 

You can’t continue building a future together if you aren’t able to maintain a present. That's all it boils down to, really.

Edited February 11, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

I'm curious what takes you so long to cook?

I agree take-out isn't healthy and l wouldn't do it every weekends. Making a salad, roasting chicken breasts doesn't take 3 hours. 

When my bf comes over for the weekend he always bring dinner. Then Saturday morning l start a recipe in my slow cooker, takes 10 minutes. No matter how busy we will get we will have a warm dinner waiting at home. Sunday we get up late and we make a brunch at home, nothing easier.

Don't make your life complicated