keysiea Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 my boyfriend and i are together 6 months. he lives in a big city and i live in a small city (1 hour by train). i have pets and this is why i like spending weekends together at my house. he comes here and likes it but he says every time that it would be nice if we switch it up every second weekend to spend at his place. i said that i don’t mind spending time at his place but not every second weekend, bc i can’t really leave my pets alone this often and it’s hard to find someone to look after them. he says he sort of understands but he also says things like „just ask your parents“ or „can’t you leave them alone for two days“ or „i feel if you really love someone you will want to spend time at their house too“. he doesn’t understand that i don’t feel comfortable asking my parents to watch my pets every second weekend. i have pretty severe attachment trauma from my mom being very helicopter and after years of therapy i have very strict boundaries with her, and i don’t feel comfortable asking her for so much help. it makes me feel extremely misunderstood because he cannot fathom my boundaries with my mother. on top of that he thinks his place isn’t cozy enough. he’s been doing things to improve coziness in his apartment such as adding darkening curtains to the bedroom so i can sleep better and buying candles etc. i also bought him plants and rearranged some furniture in his place which he welcomed (he was a bachelor for a decade before we met and his apartment is… very sterile). but of course it still doesn’t change the fact i can’t leave pets alone for the weekend without feeling like a bad pet mom. to me they always come first. part of me also feels bad because i don’t want him to feel like his efforts are invaluable to me, but i just really prefer being at my place, being with the pets (he loves them too) and having ease of mind not spending all weekend wondering if pets are ok or if my mother will weaponize the fact i asked her for help against me in the foreseeable future. he says he understands but then every week again the question “when will we spend time at my place again”… for me it’s perfectly fine to spend time at his place once a month, with me asking my dad to feed and play with the pets one day. is that a bad compromise? am i wrong for being stubborn about my perspective in this?
Alpacalia Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 Meh. I can kind of relate. My dog is my little muffin man. My Dad actually flew out to pet sit him for me when I went on vacation recently. I feel your pain. How about a pet sitter?
Author keysiea Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Meh. I can kind of relate. My dog is my little muffin man. My Dad actually flew out to pet sit him for me when I went on vacation recently. I feel your pain. How about a pet sitter? thanks you for relating i don’t feel comfortable with a pet sitter unless it is someone i know. unfortunately i don’t have any friends in my city, i am fairly new here.
Wiseman2 Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 48 minutes ago, keysiea said: my boyfriend and i are together 6 months. am i wrong for being stubborn about my perspective in this? Neither of you are being stubborn, you just have different priorities. At 6 months it's good to start noticing incompatibilities like this. Ask him to stop guilt tripping you and on the same subject you don't have to involve your dynamic with your mother in this. What exactly is his objection? The commute or time or costs? Try not to keep debating the pet sitting issue and come up with a compromise. 1
JTSW Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 You're not being stubborn. You just love your pets and don't want to dessert them. I would be the same. 2
Alpacalia Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 3 hours ago, keysiea said: thanks you for relating i don’t feel comfortable with a pet sitter unless it is someone i know. unfortunately i don’t have any friends in my city, i am fairly new here. I kind of had the luxury with my Dad offering. I feel very confident with leaving my pet with him because I trust him and he knows how much that darn doggie means to me. Plus I wouldn't feel right asking my friends to stay at my house for 2 weeks to watch him. Though I am sure they would. So my best friend has a Doberman and she's the same way too. She lives a bit away from me but has befriended a pet sitter that she really feels comfortable with. I guess the other question I have is, why can't your fur baby come with you when you stay at your boyfriend's home? Is that something he is open to?
stillafool Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 (edited) Why can't you bring your pets with you to your BFS place? I used to bring my dog to guy's places. There should be some give and take in relationships or things start going south. Edited February 10, 2023 by stillafool 3
BaileyB Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 (edited) That was also going to be my suggestion - is there a reason why your pets can’t come to his place? I see both sides of this coin. I used to dog sit for my father and when I did, it put strain on my relationship because I could not (and did not want to) leave the dog alone for extended periods of time. That said, he was a very poor sleeper and always wanted to stay over at his house - that was very unbalanced and frustrating for me. It took a lot of compromise on both our parts… I say, if you have pet(s) - pleural - you have to get them with the realization that they will restrict your life in some ways. One of the reasons why I didn’t get a dog myself when I was single was because I knew it would present a complication when I was dating… You can’t just expect any man you are dating to love and accommodate to your pets. Luckily, he likes your pets. That’s good. But, he is also not wrong to expect that you will spend time at his place because it’s not fair to expect that he will always be the person travelling and sleeping in a home that is not his. You need to find a compromise, there has to be some give here. Edited February 10, 2023 by BaileyB 2
Author keysiea Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 30 minutes ago, stillafool said: Why can't you bring your pets with you to your BFS place? I used to bring my dog to guy's places. There should be some give and take in relationships or things start going south. Unfortunately that would be very cruel to them as they are cats. I give a lot. This is the only issue we have.
stillafool Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 Just now, keysiea said: Unfortunately that would be very cruel to them as they are cats. You're right. Cats don't take too kindly to being uprooted. Dogs don't mind as long as they're with you and having fun.
Alpacalia Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 Oh sorry OP. I just assume everyone has dogs. My bad. Yes, kitties are creatures of habit.
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 I find him very unfair to guilt you, he's acting like a boy not a man. He knew you had pets and they need organization, and bring limitations to people's lives. Where does it hurt him that he's the one driving to your place to spend the weekend together? Nowhere. When I was single and dating nobody expected me to depends on my family for my pets. Yes once in a while I took a dog sitter for a long weekend so we could go away. At $70/day let me tell you I didn't take a dog sitter every weekend, or every other weekend. Pets aside, when I date I don't go spend weekends at my bf's place. Women generally want to stay in their home where they have all their products, the comfort of their own bathroom. I've never dated a man that his home was as clean as mine, as comfy, as warm. I'm not high maintenance or anything, maybe it's because I'm from an older generation but it's the man that comes to me when I date. Yes I go to their place once in a while, but 50/50, no. 1
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 (edited) 5 hours ago, keysiea said: he says he sort of understands but he also says things like „just ask your parents“ or „can’t you leave them alone for two days“ or „i feel if you really love someone you will want to spend time at their house too“. he doesn’t understand that i don’t feel comfortable asking my parents to watch my pets every second weekend. i have pretty severe attachment trauma from my mom He doesn't understand? He doesn't need to understand or relate to your situation, he only needs to respect your discomfort toward your mother, respect the work it took for you to build boundaries and respect you do not want to relive that again. His request is selfish, he's only thinking of himself. He would like you re-open old wounds so he doesn't have to ride 1 hr on the train..... Also the sentence : if you really loved me you would*....that sentence is one of the most manipulative tactic in the book. When you hear that you have to ask yourself if you're dating the right man. Edited February 10, 2023 by Gaeta
Author keysiea Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 42 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I find him very unfair to guilt you, he's acting like a boy not a man. He knew you had pets and they need organization, and bring limitations to people's lives. Where does it hurt him that he's the one driving to your place to spend the weekend together? Nowhere. When I was single and dating nobody expected me to depends on my family for my pets. Yes once in a while I took a dog sitter for a long weekend so we could go away. At $70/day let me tell you I didn't take a dog sitter every weekend, or every other weekend. Pets aside, when I date I don't go spend weekends at my bf's place. Women generally want to stay in their home where they have all their products, the comfort of their own bathroom. I've never dated a man that his home was as clean as mine, as comfy, as warm. I'm not high maintenance or anything, maybe it's because I'm from an older generation but it's the man that comes to me when I date. Yes I go to their place once in a while, but 50/50, no. thanks for this. you actually made me feel much better about myself. right now i am alone at home because he decided to not visit me this weekend as he wanted me to come to him and i said unfortunately it’s not possible for me right now. so this will be the first weekend we spend apart. i haven’t even looked at it from the perspective of us women of course being way more picky about our things and having them with us. i also notice that when i go to him for the weekend i always bring my huge hiking backpack because i need to bring half my closet and bathroom. when he comes he brings a tote bag. not even kidding… he has three underpants at my house and a pajama and that’s all he needs. his bathroom bag has a deodorant and a moisturizer. he uses all my things when here so he’s really so easy to accommodate. i am not. i don’t mind visiting him, i like being there too, but just always feel a bit out of my comfort zone and it always feels like i am uprooting my whole life for a three day weekend. i usually come home feeling exhausted. when he comes here, he feels super relaxed, he loves just not having to think of work and doing nothing. i feel it should be actually a nice thing to spend most of our together-time here. and as you all said, yes, he loves my pets too and cuddling with them. reading what i just wrote, i wonder what the real issue is here. maybe something more to do with insecurity within himself, worried he’s not good enough or his home isn’t good enough? i think i have to talk more about it with him in a sensible manner. 1
Alvi Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 53 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Where does it hurt him that he's the one driving to your place to spend the weekend together? Nowhere. Yeah, that what I first thought as well while reading your post OP. 5 hours ago, keysiea said: being with the pets (he loves them too) and having ease of mind not spending all weekend wondering if pets are Reasonable. Also, it is very good that he get along well with your cats. 7 minutes ago, keysiea said: also notice that when i go to him for the weekend i always bring my huge hiking backpack because i need to bring half my closet and bathroom. when he comes he brings a tote bag. not even kidding… he has three underpants at my house and a pajama and that’s all he needs. his bathroom bag has a deodorant and a moisturizer. he uses all my things when here so he’s really so easy to accommodate. i am not. Totally understandable. Unless you start charging him for the cost of the weekend groceries or ask him to pay a portion of some bills, I don't see why he thinks it is a very big deal. What if you had kids instead of cats. In essence, your cats are your babies. Would he also want or maybe expect you to leave your kids for the entire weekend with someone else? It's only kids, so who cares, lol. Do you think he is the type of guy who would say this kinds of things to you? I think this is just a symptom of something bigger. Do you think that he cares about you or your well-being or comfort enough? He might say that he does, but does he? If so, why can't he accommodate you in order for you to feel better or more comfortable? Relationships are not always about tit for tat. I paid for our date today, so you have to pay for me tomorrow. I went to your place last weekend so you have to go to my place this weekend. At times you have to adjust and let some thing go if that what makes your partner happier and more comfortable. If going to your place makes you make more secure and happy, why is he insisting on going to your place? Try talking to him but I think that he probably doesn't care enough to be understanding. Or he could be a selfish person in general and you are just finding that out once the honeymoon period is over. 24 minutes ago, keysiea said: reading what i just wrote, i wonder what the real issue is here. maybe something more to do with insecurity within himself, worried he’s not good enough or his home isn’t good enough? i think i have to talk more about it with him in a sensible manner. Could be but it is a long stretch. I think this is more about him checking out of a relationship but unable to verbalize his fading feelings at this point. Is he able to get a good night sleep at your place? If not, maybe I can see his point of view and give him a leeway. But then again, how do you think would react if you had children that you could not leave alone during the weekend. You can get a new BF but your cats where there first, lol 1
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 1 hour ago, keysiea said: right now i am alone at home because he decided to not visit me this weekend as he wanted me to come to him and i said unfortunately it’s not possible for me right now Oh boy! Seriously? A 1 hour ride in train is nothing. We have all the gadgets in the world nowadays to keep busy. One hour is not even long enough to watch 2 episodes of our favorite series. Now, I saw manipulation earlier and I am seeing it right now again. Big manipulation. He prefers to spend 2 weeks away from you ( you last saw him last weekend and will only see him next weekend) than to ride 1 hour. There is something else Keysiea. Are you feeling him distancing himself in other aspect of your relationship?
Author keysiea Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 26 minutes ago, Alvi said: Totally understandable. Unless you start charging him for the cost of the weekend groceries or ask him to pay a portion of some bills, I don't see why he thinks it is a very big deal. I would never do that. We share costs for groceries and I prepare food and cook for us about 95% of the time. I am a good cook and enjoy making meals. I would never ask my partner to pay the bills at my house, that sounds super unrelaxed. 30 minutes ago, Alvi said: Try talking to him but I think that he probably doesn't care enough to be understanding. Or he could be a selfish person in general and you are just finding that out once the honeymoon period is over. He’s not a selfish person at all, he’s quite giving. 34 minutes ago, Alvi said: Could be but it is a long stretch. I think this is more about him checking out of a relationship but unable to verbalize his fading feelings at this point. What would be a sign he’s checking out? I can’t really fathom that. We talk about our feelings quite a lot. 39 minutes ago, Alvi said: Is he able to get a good night sleep at your place? If not, maybe I can see his point of view and give him a leeway. But then again, how do you think would react if you had children that you could not leave alone during the weekend. He sleeps well here. Actually better than at his house.
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 keysiea: Would making a 1 day trip to him be an option? You'd leave early in the morning and come back at night on same day. May I ask how old he is?
Els Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, keysiea said: Unfortunately that would be very cruel to them as they are cats. I give a lot. This is the only issue we have. I can't comment on the feasibility of this myself, but a friend of mine lives alone with cats and travels frequently on weekends. According to her, her cats are very independent and are usually fine by themselves for 24-48 hrs. She leaves extra food and water, scoops out the litterbox before she leaves, and if she's gone for closer to 48 hrs than 24, she gets someone to drop by to check on them once. Is this something that you could do? (Of course, dogs would be a whole different story.) Also, is it possible to split it 75/25 instead of 50/50, so that he travels 3 times a month but you also contribute by traveling once? At the end of the day, of course it is your decision. I can see both sides of the story personally - it's understandable that you don't wish to leave your cats, but I think it's also understandable for someone to not want to be the one doing 100% of the traveling in a LTR. If I was him, I would have second thoughts myself, as it would feel like quite a one-sided investment being the one to always spend an extra 2 hours every weekend so you can meet up, instead of alternating the burden. Hence, the 75/25 suggestion. If neither of you are willing to compromise, that's fine and that's nobody's fault, but it does mean that both of you are just incompatible. Perhaps it might be better for you to date someone who lives close by, so you can always drop by your house to check on your cats whenever you want. Edited February 10, 2023 by Els 3 1
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Els said: Also, is it possible to split it 75/25 instead of 50/50, so that he travels 3 times a month but you also contribute by traveling once? She is already going 1 weekend a month, her dad takes care of her pets during that weekend. Bf wants 50/50 Edited February 10, 2023 by Gaeta
Author keysiea Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: keysiea: Would making a 1 day trip to him be an option? You'd leave early in the morning and come back at night on same day. May I ask how old he is? He is 34. Yeah I have also thought about just going to him for one day instead of the whole weekend. Then I don’t need to get someone to feed the cats. I might just suggest that for the coming weekend.
stillafool Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 Yeah cats are very independent animals and can be left alone longer than dogs. However one of my friends left her cat alone for 3 days and when she returned the cat repaid her by using her bed as a litter box. 1
Els Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: She is already going 1 weekend a month, her dad takes care of her pets during that weekend. Bf wants 50/50 Her post is quite unclear on this IMO, but if she is truly already traveling to him 25% of the time, then I think he's being unreasonable. 2
stillafool Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Els said: If neither of you are willing to compromise, that's fine and that's nobody's fault, but it does mean that both of you are just incompatible. Perhaps it might be better for you to date someone who lives close by, so you can always drop by your house to check on your cats whenever you want. More than likely this is what's going to happen anyway if the be gets tired of this. Edited February 10, 2023 by stillafool 2
Author keysiea Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 5 minutes ago, Els said: I can't comment on the feasibility of this myself, but a friend of mine lives alone with cats and travels frequently on weekends. According to her, her cats are very independent and are usually fine by themselves for 24-48 hrs. She leaves extra food and water, scoops out the litterbox before she leaves, and if she's gone for closer to 48 hrs than 24, she gets someone to drop by to check on them once. Is this something that you could do? I have done this in the summer when we met and I felt soooo bad coming home to the bowls all licked empty and water empty and so on. They were so hungry. I guess I just feel bad about it. I wish I had friends in my city that I could ask. But I am quite independent and have always preferred to not depend on others. Probably something I need to work on, too (and a symptom of being the daughter of a helicopter mother). 8 minutes ago, Els said: to not want to be the one doing 100% of the traveling in a LTR. If I was him, I would have second thoughts myself, as it would feel like quite a one-sided investment being the one to always spend an extra 2 hours every weekend so you can meet up, instead of alternating the burden. It’s not a long ride actually. The train ride itself is 45 minutes and it’s 1 hour house to house. I live right by the train station and he does too. People commute this distance every day here. It’s a nice new train as well. We don’t even mind the train ride. And it’s not a one sided investment bc I like to think I give A LOT in the relationship. For example in the fall we went on our first holiday together and I booked and planned the whole trip myself. We are planning another trip in June and I am already planning everything. I plan our weekends, what we do and what we eat. All he has to do is get on a train… I am making sure he always feels comfortable and relaxed. If he has second thoughts about us because of this issue with the alternating weekends then I really would question his motivations … it’s a loving relationship and this is our only recurring issue 13 minutes ago, Els said: Perhaps it might be better for you to date someone who lives close by, so you can always drop by your house to check on your cats whenever you want. There’s no men here Lol. Also, I love him. 1
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