Confusedgirl741 Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 Hi I’ve been talking to a guy that I met a long time ago while I studied in England. He’s British. We went out with friends a few times while I was in England. Since I came back to the US, we remained friend online on Facebook. I think he likes me because recently we’ve been chatting a lot since my ex and I broke up. Honestly I like him a lot. I know long distance relationships don’t work but I feel a strong connection with this guy so I want to see where this goes. The problem is that I’m having trust issues. Sometimes I’ve seen him online at 3 AM or 4 am (local time in England). So when it’s 8 pm in the US, it’s 4 AM in England. I can’t help but wonder why is he online instead of sleeping. He’s not talking to me so what is he doing??? Is he talking to another woman?? He has friends added from all over the world and he told me himself that he likes to make connections with people even though he might not see them in real life. That’s kind of weird. I’m more picky with my friends and I don’t talk to random people. Should I be worried about him being online late? I don’t think he’s talking to someone from England at 4 am but maybe to a girl who lives overseas like me? I want to mention that he also uses social media for his work. He has his own marketing business so he uses Facebook and Instagram to promote his business and seek clients. But still, he has all the hours of the day to work. Unless he’s a workaholic and doesn’t mind being awake at 4 AM for a project. I know I’m paranoid but I don’t want to waist my time with someone who’s not serious. How do I know if I can trust him? I don’t want to ask him why he’s online because he’s not my official boyfriend yet. We’re just getting to know each other.
Alvi Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 Anything is possible. The two of you are nothing more than penpals. He could very well be chatting some other women up. Why don't you ask him. There could be a very logical and reasonable explanation. Maybe he doesn't turns off or signs off his phone, computer, laptop or his apps, etc...so it appears like he is always online. Why don't you go on a dates with someone more local I stead? 1
basil67 Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 Are you officially his girlfriend? If not, trust really doesn't come into it - he's just a mate doing what whatever he does. Of course, there's no reason you can't ask in a light hearted way - something like "I see you online at all kinds of hours. What do you do so late?". 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 He might be chatting to another woman, yes. Or he might be chatting with buddies who are up late, or people in other countries. This isn't really a question of trust, since you two aren't dating and he is free to chat up whomever he wants. I think you just need to be realistic with yourself about the future prospect here - you are an ocean away. Is is really feasible to try to make something work?
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 5 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said: we’ve been chatting a lot since my ex and I broke up. Sorry this happened. How long ago did you break up? While it's nice to have chat buddies and online friends, try not to treat this as a relationship. If you like chatting with him, that's fine, but if you feel really to date, consider more viable and realistic solutions. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Broaden your social horizons and start making friends and meeting people. In addition to in-person opportunities, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local available single men. 1
JTSW Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 You're not in a relationship so there is really nothing you can do. It's not about trust because he's free to do and talk to whoever he wants.
Alpacalia Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 7 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said: The problem is that I’m having trust issues. I would avoid long distance relationships if you're someone that has difficulty with trust. 2
Author Confusedgirl741 Posted February 9, 2023 Author Posted February 9, 2023 I’m a little embarrassed to ask him why he’s up late. It might seem like I’m invading his privacy and being nosy. I know long distance relationships aren’t the best. Of course I would feel better meeting local people but I had a good connection with this guy. Sometimes even if we meet people, there’s no spark and I really felt it with him. Like I said, I had already met him before in England. I just happen to fancy him and honestly it would bother me to know that he talks to multiple women at the same time. How can I know if he’s a player?
stillafool Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 If you're too embarrassed to ask him the questions you need to know and you're an ocean away from him it's nearly impossible to find out if he's a player without hiring a private detective. You 're going to have to put your big girl panties on and ask him the questions you need answers to. It will be difficult because you are not his girlfriend and he may feel he doesn't owe you Jack. 2
ShyViolet Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 This whole thing is a waste of time. You are on different continents. Dating is an in-person activity that requires actual intimacy. Why don't you date someone who you can actually spend time with in person? 4
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 1 hour ago, Confusedgirl741 said: I know long distance relationships aren’t the best. When is the last time you saw him in person? Perhaps your memories of years ago is something comforting now, but it doesn't seem like you two are in a relationship. So asking his whereabouts seems a bit intrusive.
mortensorchid Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 Are you officially his girlfriend? If so remember you are in different time zones and countries. It's not like you are in the US and he's in Canada either. What kind of work does he do? I was teaching English online to people in China for a semester, and China is 12 hours ahead of my time zone so I had to be up at 4am to teach. Sometimes for 4 or 5 hours, then I would go back to bed for another few. It's a possibility that he might be talking to other women or whatnot online at all hours, but ... Does this matter?
poppyfields Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 (edited) 17 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said: I know I’m paranoid but I don’t want to waist my time with someone who’s not serious. How do I know if I can trust him? I don’t want to ask him why he’s online because he’s not my official boyfriend yet. We’re just getting to know each other. Listen, if you don't relax about this you're gonna blow the whole thing. NO ONE knows during these very early stages if they want to get "serious" with someone, it takes time dating them, time getting to know them to determine that. Usually after three months, you have some idea and at that point, you become exclusive to see where it goes. Until then, you're just gonna have to live with and be able to tolerate a bit of uncertainty, that's just how it goes. And frankly, if you are unable to do that, if your anxiety is too great, then perhaps you are not ready to date or you need to see a professional to learn ways to manage your anxiety. Also, what/who is a "player"? I have asked this before but never received a proper response. If he's a man who is successful at dating and has many options (as he should if he's not exclusive with one woman) and talking/seeing other women, then NO that does NOT make him a player. To me a player is some sort of sociopath who lies and deceives women, and I see no evidence of that here whatsoever. Anyway, it's your call. As I said if you don't at least try to contain your anxiety about this, you ARE going to blow it. No don't ask him a damn thing, assume he IS talking to other women, perhaps dating other women, until you are exclusive, that is his right and if you can't live with that, then stop seeing him is my advice. Edited February 9, 2023 by poppyfields
Alpacalia Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 5 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said: I’m a little embarrassed to ask him why he’s up late. It might seem like I’m invading his privacy and being nosy. I know long distance relationships aren’t the best. Of course I would feel better meeting local people but I had a good connection with this guy. Sometimes even if we meet people, there’s no spark and I really felt it with him. Like I said, I had already met him before in England. I just happen to fancy him and honestly it would bother me to know that he talks to multiple women at the same time. How can I know if he’s a player? Online presence does not always reflect real-life actions or thoughts, and sometimes people are just active on social media for different reasons. Even if he is talking to other women, so what? The fact that he is using social media for work purposes, including seeking clients and promoting his business, could explain why he is online at unusual hours. Additionally, being awake at 4 AM in England could simply be due to time difference and personal habits. Trust is built over time and through actions, not just words. Observing his behavior and actions over time will give you a better idea of whether or not he is someone you can trust. It's up to you to decide whether you want to pursue this relationship further and how much weight you want to give to your concerns. The most important thing is to listen to your intuition and make a decision that is best for you.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 (edited) 11 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said: How can I know if he’s a player? You can't. You're too far away for that. Thats' a risk you take when you become attached to someone you can't see regularly in person. 11 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said: Like I said, I had already met him before in England. That's fine, but it doesn't mean this very long-distance penpal situation can or will amount to more. I personally would not ask him what he's doing online that early in the morning. It isn't your business, to be blunt, and it will look awkward considering you aren't dating. Has he expressed any romantic interest in you? Edited February 10, 2023 by ExpatInItaly
glows Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 11 hours ago, Confusedgirl741 said: I’m a little embarrassed to ask him why he’s up late. It might seem like I’m invading his privacy and being nosy. I know long distance relationships aren’t the best. Of course I would feel better meeting local people but I had a good connection with this guy. Sometimes even if we meet people, there’s no spark and I really felt it with him. Like I said, I had already met him before in England. I just happen to fancy him and honestly it would bother me to know that he talks to multiple women at the same time. How can I know if he’s a player? This doesn’t seem to be a long distance relationship although you’ve mentioned that a couple of times. It’s a guy you’re talking to who happens to live far away. It sounds friendly at most, like a long distance pen pal. Maybe you have a crush on him and that’s fine. Unless he shows any other interest and either of you move to be closer this is likely going nowhere. He can’t ask you out on a date either as you’re not local. Why he’s online at 4am is anyone’s guess. Some people have insomnia, health problems, worries or other issues too. It’s not always about romance or someone else.
NuevoYorko Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 You're talking to a guy who lives on a different continent from you. You aren't in a relationship and there would be nothing wrong with him chatting up / dating people. Yet you are feeling territorial about him and having "trust issues." And wondering if he's a "player." Can you see that trying to have a LDR would be a very bad idea for you? For most of us, frankly, but you are already in trouble and you aren't even in a relationship at this point. It's not for you. 2
Kassieee Posted February 15, 2023 Posted February 15, 2023 On 2/9/2023 at 1:11 PM, Confusedgirl741 said: I’m a little embarrassed to ask him why he’s up late. It might seem like I’m invading his privacy and being nosy. I know long distance relationships aren’t the best. Of course I would feel better meeting local people but I had a good connection with this guy. Sometimes even if we meet people, there’s no spark and I really felt it with him. Like I said, I had already met him before in England. I just happen to fancy him and honestly it would bother me to know that he talks to multiple women at the same time. How can I know if he’s a player? Why are you trying to hurt your own feelings rather than trying to move on and finding someone closer to you?
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