Is my marriage salvageable

[Bake1437]

Sorry for the TLDR, condensed as much as I could, this is above this forum’s pay grade so basically looking to just vent anyway. Halfway through year two of marriage, my wife and I were together for six before that. Both early 30s now, no kids or plans for any soon. I do love the woman to death, she is the second girl I slept with and the first serious relationship I had. We met through friends of ours who were dating at the time, we slept together once shortly after we first met, but I didn’t ask her out mainly because we were at different colleges and I didn’t want to do distance at the time. Right after we hooked up she started dating a frenemy of mine which added tons of drama later when he tried sabotaging our relationship in not so subtle ways like purposely talking about sexual details about her around me, still trying to text her ect. We started hooking up again (she came to me) after they broke up (he cheated the whole relationship) but she ghosted me a month or so later when she started seeing another guy. According to her she liked me way more but thought I was never going to ask her out and that I was treating her like a fwb. I was definitely dragging my heels as I was still semi close to her ex and it seemed like she was just kinda using me to get back at him which I felt guilty about, violating bro code and all that (even though he had done the same to me) 

She turned out to be the other woman for the new guy, so they break up 6 months later and she then asked me through a mutual friend to attend her bday party. I reluctantly went knowing it was probably a bad idea plus I kinda hated her at that point. I had been dealing with major depression, suicidal thoughts and drug/alcohol addiction issues so I hadn’t dated or slept with anyone else but her the last three years, so I was fine being a rebound hook up. She ends up getting pretty drunk and apologizing for ghosting me and for being “stupid” and telling me that I was always the “one who got away” and her “first choice”. We obviously hook up and I leave the next day back home, we start non stop texting again and a few weeks later, I end up driving 8 hours and visiting her for a weekend, we went on our first real “dates” and had sex the whole time and before I leave, she asks if we’re dating, I had so many reservations including the distance so I said I liked her a lot but I didn’t think it would work and left. On the drive home I started feeling guilty that I drove all that way just to hook up with her for the weekend and just leave on that note, so I called her and said “sorry, we can at least give it a shot.”

We were long distance for the first year during which we barely made it, she swears to this day that she never cheated but we both ended up testing positive for Chlamydia a year in, right before we were supposed to finally move in together. It was possible that one of us already had it, but I had only slept with her in the last three years and if it came from her ex like she claims, we would have both had it for over a year. Possible given the asymptomatic nature of chlamydia, but considering the circumstances (long distance, she was abroad for part of it, a few shady drunken nights of no contact) it just never did sit right with me, but I had no other hard evidence (not proud but I went through her phone to be sure and found absolutely nothing, not even mild flirting) and decided to trust her. Not to mention my move was already planned and I would lose a lot of money backing out and I wanted to move out of my current city anyway. In any ither circumstances I probably would have broken up with her to be honest. Ended up moving in together and she was the perfect GF for the next 5 years, we rarely fought, healthy sex life, no signs at all of unfaithfulness, we were both doing well career wise (she was making more money than me), we spent all our free time together and traveled everywhere. We had a house, pets, plenty of money pretty much everything we wanted and I was very happy with her and hadnt had any issues with depression and was clean from substances minus the occasional drunken night for the first time in forever.

I ended up proposing at 5 years in and the second I did it’s like a flip in my brain switched. I went from almost never thinking about her ex, her ghosting me for another guy or the std/possible cheating to being constantly consumed with thoughts of those things among others. It started sinking in that I was marrying my first real GF, that due to my past issues, I had passed up on so many opportunities to date or hook up with other women (not so humble brag but I’m a pretty good looking guy who got hit on a fair amount) maybe even find a woman who I matched with like my fiancé but without all the baggage we held between us. Now I could handle all those grass is greener thoughts by themselves, but I also realized how much negative emotion and resentment I had been bottling up throughout our relationship and ignoring because I wanted to just be in love. I realized that I never fully regained my trust of her even though she had given me no further reasons over 5 years to not trust her outside of a few minor lies. I realized I resented her for ghosting me and dating other people (and best case giving me an std from said other people) while I was at a very low point in my life and she knew that at the time. I felt like she only started caring about me once I was “fixed” and her other options failed.

During our two year covid engagement it got worse and worse to the point that I was extremely distant, some days I couldn’t even look at her. I tried to explain what I was feeling as much as I could but all I was accomplishing was hurting her. She truly just loved me and was ecstatic about getting married and it was clearly tearing her apart to see me not feeling the same. By the time the wedding finally rolled around I was full of nothing but doubts and regrets, I thought of calling it off but couldn’t bring myself to. Mainly because I tried to convince myself that all my doubts were illogical and based on insecurities. We fought for hours on our wedding night after we got back to the hotel, apparently she sensed my feelings and I also was avoiding her a large portion of the night. I felt truly awful seeing her that genuinely hurt, I swore I’d make it better and that everything would be fine. Here we are almost two years later and shocker, the constant invasive thoughts are worse than ever, my depression is back, substance abuse is at full throttle because when I’m high or drunk is one of the only times I can clear my head and actually enjoy time with her. Our relationship is teetering and it’s all my fault. I have admittedly been an absolutely terrible partner the last few years now, I’ve said hurtful things I can’t take back and been totally emotionally unavailable for her needs but she is still determined to make us work. I try to be too but it seems less and less likely that it’s going to get better. I can try therapy, but I’m not so sure it’ll do much as I need to be willing to forgive and forget and I’m not so sure that I can. The mental images are constant now. I would listen to any outside advice not that there really is much to say. It’s either actually get over it or get divorced, I just cant seem to accept either option. I love this woman and know that either way I’ll regret either losing her or keeping her in a dysfunctional relationship, it’s just seeming more and more like the inevitable reality if things dont improve.

[Alpacalia]

I hear you're having conflicting emotions towards your wife and your relationship. Despite your love and connection for her, you have unresolved trust and resentment issues stemming from your past. You're in a tough spot.

When you felt hurt or angry that she started seeing someone else or if you weren't ready to commit to a relationship, you could have chosen to tell her that, rather than simply saying "I liked you, but I didn't think we would work" without explaining why.

You're also understandably concerned about the Chlamydia diagnosis and have some doubts. Whether this is exactly what your wife describes, if either of you had Chlamydia before, or even if it was contracted from an ex is hard to tell without hard evidence. If you are still troubled by the Chlamydia incident, speak with your wife. It may help you both to understand each other better and to move forward.

What matters now is how you feel about your relationship. Your relationship with your wife has been strong and healthy for five years. That's a good sign your wife is faithful and committed to you.

I suggest that you take time to reflect on your feelings, talk to a therapist or close friend about the situation and find a way to express your emotions without hurting your partner. Substance abuse treatment is important. It exacerbates relationship problems, so this issue must be addressed. Having mistrust and resentment are keeping you from being honest with your wife and rebuilding trust. Make sure you communicate any worries or doubts you have and make sure you do things that bring you joy and positive feelings.

Ultimately, only you can decide whether your marriage is salvageable or not, but it can be beneficial to consider all possibilities before making a decision.

[birdie_b]

I think you should throw everything you’ve got at it — do individual therapy, couples therapy, date nights, whatever you can think of.  I’d give it at least a year, maybe more.  And if it doesn’t work, you can leave knowing you gave it your best shot.  And all that therapy and communicating will no doubt make your next try more solid.  

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Bake1437 said:

 the constant invasive thoughts are worse than ever, my depression is back, substance abuse is at full throttle because when I’m high or drunk is one of the only times I can clear my head and actually enjoy time with her. . I have admittedly been an absolutely terrible partner the last few years now,

Sorry this is happening. See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do whatever it takes to get clean and sober. Detox, rehab, support groups.

You'll need your physical and mental health in a better condition in order for you to address the inner demons and marital issues. 

[mark clemson]

18 hours ago, Bake1437 said:

I love this woman and know that either way I’ll regret either losing her or keeping her in a dysfunctional relationship, it’s just seeming more and more like the inevitable reality if things dont improve.

While I"m not advising you to divorce, the thing is it's pretty clearly two dysfunctional people in a dysfunctional marriage. (I'm not trying to be mean here, I see this as essentially stating facts given what you've described.)

So, if you stay together you're choosing to continue that. I think it's safe to say that no marriage is perfect. To my mind the questions might be - is this a level of dysfunction that you are actually ok with tolerating. Could things be improved and made even more tolerable. Do you genuinely believe that there are better, healthier people out there for you.

Life is never perfect, but one can regret the things one does, OR regret the thing one doesn't do as well. I would think the answers to questions like the ones above will likely guide your next steps.