I realize now I Fu**** up!

[mazza32cott]

I know how difficult it is but obviously this girl is not just a one night stand. I can understand someone having a one night stand but this is not the case. If it was me, I would be saying that yes you love him very much and you will change etc but if he contineous to see this woman then your relationship is completely over. In that you will find your answer. Believe me, I did it to my husband of 18 years....

 

Its so hard, I really feel for you.

 

Maz

[mazza32cott]

I am not saying that he was not a nice guy. He is probably nothing like my last ex BUT if he continues to see this other woman, then you have to realise that your relationship has run its course and its time to move on because now it's like he's waiting to see what happens with this other girl and IF it doesn't work out MAYBE he'll think about another go with you. He's having his cake and eating it. Yes he'll probably sleep with you too. Ask yourself, is this what I want?

 

Work on yourself and be a better person for the next guy. Maybe in the months to come, you will realise that the two of you weren't really meant to be and there were reasons why you behaved the way you did.

 

Maz

[NatoPMT]

I am only right if in retrospect you feel that you have omitted to acknowledge his part of the break up, if he played more of a part than you currently feel is the case.

 

He said for us to start a new friendship and if we jumped right back into a relationship right now-we would have the same problems,only escalated, and this would not be salvageable at all at that point. And he's right.

 

Hes right, I agree. Its only worth trying again if the probs that caused the break up have been dealt with. And you need some time alone to fix your realisation. This way at least you have a chance of things working out, if you continued, your relationship would have gone beyond repair, if it hasn’t already. The opportunity to listen and learn is still available to you. The only thing that’s going to convince him that you aren’t the person you were is you behaving like he’s the one who matters here.

 

How should I deal with this when I see him today? What should I ask him?

 

You ask how you should act, I would act as though I had humility. I wouldnt ask him anything other than how he is and what hes been doing and how his family etc etc are. I would act as though I was a valid person and I was confident I was going to be happy one day and get through this, but recognising at the same time that he needs my true friendship – not more questions and demands. If you demand timescales, or answers about the other girl (sounds as though you have been very contained on that) then he will know still that its yourself you are concerned with. If you accept whatever speed he wants to go at (things should always go as slow as the slowest partner wants) without pushing further, while understanding that whatever his decision, you will learn the lesson you need to learn, then he will accept you are thinking equally of him as well as yourself.

 

The problem is, it’s a huge change of personality for someone who’s behaved the way you say you have. Sometimes, a heartbreak is needed to put things in their rightful place. Id use this experience as a real opportunity.

 

it was suggested to me by many of you to find out WHY I did what I did.

 

When you ask yourself ‘why’, you focus on the past which is what you want to leave behind. This might not be right for you, but when I try to analyze why I have done something, I go round in circles. Id rather accept I did it, accept the consequences, then accept I will never behave that way again.

 

Hope seeing him goes well, stay cool. Do the right thing by him, you will feel better about yourself too. When i act like a full on lunatic, its because i am looking for something to fill the gaps, i actually find the gaps fill themselves when i stop behaving like that and treat people well.

 

BB

[Kengne]

I'm sorry hun - this is going to be harsh, but it seems like no one else is laying the smack down on you so I guess I will have to.

 

So you went to see him.

 

He is IN a RELATIONSHIP with someone ELSE - but yet he wants you in his life.

 

He is IN a RELATIONSHIP with someone ELSE - but yet he wants you as a friend.

 

He is IN a RELATIONSHIP with someone ELSE - but yet he wants to work things out with you!

 

He is IN a RELATIONSHIP with someone ELSE - but yet he is kissing up and hugging up on you!

 

Oh HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO.

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO !!!

 

Excuse my language, but can you please explain to me WTF is going on? Does this sound right to you regrets? Cause to me it sounds like your ex is turning into a CaKeMaN. And that is unacceptable.

 

Straight up - right now I ONLY feel terribly sorry for this new girl, who has been pulled into your situation with your ex. THIS is just a HOT mess!

 

Here's my 2 cents:

 

Clearly - your ex still has feelings for you. Otherwise he would not be saying what he is saying, or doing the things he is doing. There is SMTH there on his part. This is the one thing you have going for you.

 

But clearly - your ex is also confused and/or on the rebound after everything you put him through! BUT DONT LET THAT BE HIS EXCUSE FOR TURNING INTO A CAKEMAN. It's unacceptable. He cannot have his cake, and eat it too - no matter WHAT you did to him in the past.

 

I understand regrets that you care about him, and want to stay in his life... but you need to understand that by CONTINUING to be in his life and in contact with him you are:

 

1) enabling him to be a cakeman

2) NOT moving on with your life

3) NOT giving yourself a chance to heal

4) NOT giving him a chance to miss you

5) NOT giving yourself a chance to change

 

YOU ARE MAKING THINGS WORSE - FOR YOU. Yes - for the moment you may feel better. But it is temporary.

 

Look at it from HIS P.o.V.

 

HOW, WHY & WHEN - with you there as his 'friend', trying DESPERATELY to change to WIN him back - and this new chick on the side who prolly knows NOTHING - is he going to feel the need or desire to come back?

 

He will not feel it because in all sense - he has you in the palm of his hands! He has you exactly where he wants you - at his disposal. You, my friend, are stuck. He will not move mountains to get back with you, because he knows that you will be just outside his doorstep – chilling!

 

And plz - don’t tell me no crap about how you can still move on with your life, but yet remain ‘close’ friends. That’s bull****! And you well know it regrets.

 

I mean - he keeps on talking about what HE wants .... WHO GIVES A F*CK what he wants! What about what YOU want? What YOU need?

 

All these things he’s asking you to do… to prove yourself to him that you’ve changed… you don’t need to be in his life to do that. Actually – you shouldn’t even be changing for him – you should be making those changes for YOU!

 

Regrets... It is my firm firm belief… that RIGHT NOW – NC is the best way to proceed. STRAIGHT UP! I don’t care what he says abt wanting you in his life – he cannot have his cake & eat it too!! It’s either ALL of you – or NONE of you. And since he is not willing to deal with ALL – then NONE it is.

 

I know it’s hard regrets… but pleeeeease listen to me, and what everyone else is saying! He is with someone else! How could you even possibly fathom remaining in his life right now? It is inconceivable to me.

 

K

[newbby]

hey regrets,

i totally agree with kengne here. you have apologised to him alot, and you have told him that you will not make the same mistakes. fair enough he wants to be sure of that, but how are you going to prove that to him without being with him? you cant. its impossible.

therefore, you only have one choice, to show him that you arent going to grovel anymore, and you are not going to hang around and watch him having a relationship with another woman. its very easy for men to lose respect. think about it like this too, he has felt like you have all the control for a long time, suddenly things have turned right around for him. do you think he will easily step back into his former role? of course not. all he knows is that he is doing something right. that somthing right seems to be having a relationship with somebody else and stringing you along with maybes.

think about where you were with him. you have switched roles. so what did he do that made you realise you wanted him? he said, i am not putting up with your cr&p anymore.

you can do this whilst still showing that you have compassion and are sorry. i think that the best thing you can do right now, is to say "youre right. i do need to work on myself" and go full n.c with him. do not respond to any of his texts at all.

[regrets]

Kengne-I have 1 word for you:

 

DAAAAAAMMMMMNN!!!!!

 

OK-I have 2 words for you:

 

HOLY SH*T!!!!

 

Ok-now I have 3 words for you:

 

I love you!!!!

 

Well yesterday I went to see him as you know. We had a very nice conversation and a very deep heart to heart talk. BEFORE you roll your eyes at me and shake your head- BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE RIGHT AND I NEED TO LISTEN YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE HERE- I wanted to throw some points out to all of you and get your take on what was said.

 

To be honest with all of you- I WANT to be just like all the rest of the heartbroken desperately in love people that will believe everything that is said to them. Thats human nature. Throw common sense out the window. However I KNOW I NEED to keep a level head and look at this from every which way possible to determine what is right for me.

So bear with me guys-ok?

 

*he said I had total control over the entire relationship and he did everything he had to-to keep me.In the process he lost himself,his identity and his self respect.

*He is terrified of me and his feelings for me.

*He feels he needs to fix himself and he needs time to heal as well.

*Wants me to figure out my own life.

*Wants me to have my own life.

*Honestly believes there is hope for us. With work from both sides.

*said I have shown him more now than I did in the past couple of yrs.

*Says he can tell that i am making an honest and sincere effort to change.But wants the change to be for me NOT him. Says how I speak to him now is completely different than before.

*wants me to keep calling and texting all the time with him.Wants to spend as much time as possible with me to try and make this work. Wants us to have a friendship as well as a relationship.Thinks that is very important for us.

*afraid he will hate me if it turns out to be the same thing.So he does not think it would be in the best interest for either of us to jump right back into things until we are both sure all the kinks have been worked out.

*said if I feel the need for NC is in my best interest-that is entirely up to me but he does not think that is necessary. Says-how am I supposed to see and hear these changes if you are out of my life?

*HOWEVER-says that he does not have a crystal ball and cannot tell the future.Says that goes with ANYTHING in life. That maybe I will be the one to decide to not be with him.

*Thinks that I will be a better person than ever before and regardless of what happens-I have come out on top.Said it seems like I've learned from my mistakes and whether Im with him or someone else-I'll have a healthier and more fulfilling relationship with mutual love and respect.Wants more than anything for it to be with him.

 

Yes-this could be the biggest stinkiest pile of horsesh*t ever spewed-but I wanted to fill you all in on what was said.

Yes- I so very much want to believe this and look at it as though we will in fact be together again this time in a wonderful solid relationship.

Yes- im very much confused.

Yes- I can see all of you with your mouths dropped open in disbelief that I just typed this and that i'm still holding out on hope!

 

Now--you are saying to do NC.All or nothing. Sh*t or get off the pot.

And he is trying to tell me how we can make this work (in other parts of the convo that I will type as it comes back to me).

And he basically told me that I had all the options on what I thought I needed to do. Leave him,go on with my life,be with someone else,be free and grow as a human being.

Not once did he tell me I had to stay.

He said everything I have to do has to be for me and no one else.Not even him.

 

I will wait to hear your responses on this before I post more. But please believe me when i say I heard (read) everything all of you had to say. I will not discount one word or opinion or suggestion.To be honest i am truly leaning towards the "all or nothing" approach.

There were times I would've swore this man reads and posts here. He said everything you guys said. Told me to do everything you told me to do. Explained his own feelings exactly how you said he was feeling.It was really WEEEEIRRRRD!!

And I will not make one move or say anything else til you guys tell me to! LOL

 

Let me know what you think.

BIG GROUP HUG!

Take care.

[mazza32cott]

My ex says exactly the same. Yes they are confused and so the hell are we. Point is he is not here and he is still with the other woman. I KNOW he will come back. This guy wanted to live with me, marry me. When I asked him to not live together straight away he took a turn and met someone else straight away. I do not text him or anything but he has said all those things to me. I have found out he has been ringing women wanting relationships out of the paper. This is the man who loves me and wants to marry me. He will contact me again when everything goes to **** with this woman. I am going to string him along, make him think he's in and then give it to him. Cut him off point blank like he did to me. No it is not revenge, it is showing an absolute w**nker what it feels like to be treated like your loved and then realise that it was all a lie. I am so looking forward to that moment. He is the biggest user I have ever known and I never knew men like that existed it is too hard to swallow.

 

Anyhow, you do not have the same type of problems but there are some similarities. Seems to me like he does not want to let you go and maybe you are there as a backup. You really can't take anything serious while he is still seeing the other woman. He may also be letting you down gently. I'm so sorry to say this to you. I wish it was all brilliant but it isn't and I think you need to realise it for what it is right now. Tell him to get rid of the other woman and see what he says. If he loved you he would and therein you will find your answer.

 

Maz

[NatoPMT]

I have to say I was jealous of Kenge's post layout, i have been wanting to cuckold that style since i saw it.

 

I agree with what the post actually said too, but i am not quite so black & white about it. I stand by my advice to make sure you dont miss this opportunity to change and you will, consequently be happier, i guarantee that.

 

I also think that as you go through the process, assuming you REALLY work on yourself and your attitudes towards your an SO which will most definately require periods of solitute and introspection, but i dont think it automatically requires absolutely no contact. It will be harder to reach your goal with contact, but the harder you work, the harder this is, the better chance you have of the goal being reached. I do stand by the fact that you can have only a friendship and completely dismiss any attempts to 'mend' the relationship for now. Mending yourself is the priority, if you dont, every relationship you have will be the same and you will never make someone happy, or be happy yourself.

 

What are your goals? What do you want to achieve? What aspects do you want to improve of yourself and your attitudes? What have you done so far and what are your success to date since the split?

 

I am going to focus on you from now on in my posts and not your ex, mirroring what you should do.

 

BB

[newbby]

he wants to know that you are sorting yourself out because you really deep down need to, in order to be able to have a good relationship, and are not only temporarily different because you are reeling from the rejection.

but still all the answers point to the same action. you see whilst you are in contact with him, it only shows him that you are not working on yourself deep down, just that you are hanging around hoping for him to take you back.

of course he wants you to still be in contact with him, he IS terrified of losing you. it can still go wrong though. he can still get used to you waiting around whilst he is dating another girl, he can still lose respect for you.

you need to do nc. tell him, be completely honest with him, tell him that you would love more than anything to have another relationship with him, that you love him etc, but for your own sake you must now have nc.

[Kengne]

Regrets

 

There is a wise Jamaican saying (and no, I'm not Jamaican but I have alot of West Indian friends):

 

ALL WHO CANNOT HEAR - MUST FEEL!

 

If you're not hearing what I'm saying.. what newbby is saying... what BB is saying.. etc... then you will surely feel the consequences of your actions as you follow your heart, as opposed to your HEAD (and common sense!).

 

Of course he wants you in his life - he doesn't want to lose you!

 

I have to give your ex a round of applause tho, because hands down the speech he gave you was simpy fabolous. But as I scrolled down... VERY noticeably ABSENT was the MENTION of THE NEW GIRL! HOW does she fit into the pic? Or better yet, HOW are you guys working on a 'friendship' , in attempts to PERHAPS reconcile... when he is IN A RELATIONSHIP (a relationship mind you!) with SOMEONE ELSE?!?

 

It is inconceivable to me!

 

And I'm sorry - his story abt wanting to stay in your life to see the changes in you... is quite ridiculous. IMO what he's REALLY trying to do is monitor you... with you on the sidelines as a friend, he can then compare YOU to the NEW GIRL.... he will have his pick of the BOTH of you.. !

 

GIRL - you NEED to stop grovelling regrets! - and go straight into NC. You need to show your ex that YES - you still love him, care abt him etc... and yes you are making changes for YOURSELF - but that in the process of making these changes NC is the best option for YOU! Remember - this is no longer abt him! He's already doing his thang - with somebody else. Did you try to explain to him that you didn't think that was 'necessary'?

 

NO! So why in the WORLD should he be trying to tell YOU what HE thinks IS/ISNT 'necessary' in YOUR life??? GIMME a break.

 

It's funny... because he keeps on telling you he wants YOU to call HIM.. YOU to text HIM... do you know how incredibly you are going to be stroking his EGO, if you remain in C with him? And with him having having the upper hand... like newbby said... WHY in the HELL would he want to give that up??

 

The only way to keep your DIGNITY... and the only way he will REALLY gain respect for you... is by showing him, gently but firmly, that no matter how much you LOVE him.. YOU DONT NEED HIM IN YOUR LIFE! Men are attracted to that.

 

K.

[NatoPMT]

Again, I am not so polarised as K on this one. Remember what she’s done to the ex in the first place – Devil posted waaaay back in the thread mentioning the ex’s perspective, and we have to remember that Regrets treated her ex v badly by her own admission, so I dont think that his actions now are necessarily quite so egotistical or calculated.

 

I still don’t accept that he should be seeing someone else and having these sort of conversations with Regrets at the same time, but I dont think painting the ex too negatively will help her either. She’s got to accept her actions caused this situation for her to be able to recognise her responsibilities. If he takes blame, even though he’s an adult and perfectly capable of being responsible for his actions, it could be too easy for Regrets to forget that this is, in the large part, what her actions have caused. If you treat people badly, they do regretable things and her ex is responding to her treatment of him. What hes doing is wrong, but he’s to some extent a product of her relationship with him. Its a valuable lesson for her to see the consequences

[regrets]

Good Morning!

 

Got to read everyones responses last night when I came home but I was

too tired to reply. Plus I'm sick as a dog which doesn't help. Anyhow

I wanted to address a few points made and tell you about the latest

conversations we had. He has been calling all the time (so have I) in

the past couple of days-convo is light and then we eventually talk

about whats going on.

 

In regards to the new woman-According to him-it is no longer a

'relationship'. He stressed to me that it wasn't really something he

was pursuing to make a relationship with her. Said she is a nice girl

and fun to hang out with but it just wasn't there and a committed

relationship with her was not something he wanted. Also he didn't see

her very much because he is on the road(I know that as fact)Said he

was not ready for another relationship.His head is too screwy right

now. (He said to me once before that I was reading more into the

relationship than what was really there.)

He also very strongly stressed that he did NOT end things because of

this girl. He ended it because of US. NO ONE ELSE.

 

Is this a pile of bullsh*t? Possibly. There's always that chance.

Do I believe him? I would tell you yes. Why? Because this man has

always been upfront and on the level about EVERYTHING since I've known

him. He has always been like that.

Even with this new woman-he told me about it from the get go.Answered

any questions about her I had.

Could I be wrong about him? Of course.

 

Kengne-easy girl. Relax tiger!

I can almost see you smacking your monitor hoping I'd feel it!

Just hear me out sweetie.

 

Newbby made a comment about this change being temporarily different

because I'm still reeling from rejection. VERY good point. But I'm

glad I finally saw what the F*CK I was doing! What I did was F*cked up

with a side order of MEAN! And because of it I lost a wonderful man

that felt he had to leave me or lose even more of himself than what I

had already taken from him. He said he was beginning to get very angry

and resentful of me and did not want to end up hating me. I'll give

him props for that even though it hurt like hell.

Whether I'm with him or someone else down the road-I would never want

to treat anyone the same way I did ever again. Wouldn't want it done

to me I have no right to do it to anyone either. It's that simple.

So in answer to that- I would stress that this change is for real.

 

Mazza- That is beyond harsh! On his end-not yours! Some men (and

women) really can be very stupid. PLEASE keep us posted with how this

one turns out. Forget the posting-take video when it happens!

As for this other woman-from WHAT HE SAYS-he told her a couple days

ago(when we were starting to really talk) that he wants to try to mend

our relationship. I have to go with what he says.I wasn't there-I

can't dispute it but it also doesn't mean I HAVE to take it as gospel.

(But I would be very surprised if he lied about that)

 

Yes Kengne-I still see you smacking "me" and throwing your hands up in

despair!

 

BB-Good questions. All of them. And I would need some time to really

answer those honestly. I am very willing to admit my faults and areas

that need vast improvement. I just don't want to say something in

haste and talk out of my ass. So give me a bit. But thank you for

keeping me as the main focus. I know that is where I need to be.

You hit on something we actually discussed last night. He said he

takes half the blame because he allowed me to run all over him. He

said he knew what HE WAS DOING by allowing this but let it continue

because he loved me and didn't want to lose me. I'll post more as I

remember. Mind is scrambled.

One other thing-I agree with you that I don't think his actions and

words are calculated at all. This man has tried to impress upon me

that I need to do anything and everything for ME! That it will always

be MY decisions and MY life! I need to figure out things for MYSELF!

Forget the fact that I come HERE and ask you guys what to do and say!

A product of the relationship? I'd swear YOU were on the phone

with us.

 

Kengne-my girl! My pitbull! You're awesome!

I wish I had thought to say to him that I didn't think his new

relationship was 'necessary' but I'm not as quick as you. Great

point!!

And yes the new girl comment wasn't in there because I was trying so

hard to remember everything that was said that I end up rambling.(I

went back to reread my post).

If I told you that I woke up and had 2 voicemails from him already and

a text to call if i had a chance-IF I wanted to- would you believe me?

And no I'm not gonna look at that as the absolute answer he wants me

back and this will work.I'm not that much of a dorky-dork!

Please don't think that I'm making up excuses or trying to defend HIM.

I'm not. Hope it doesn't come across that way.

You always present a valid argument. And you try to show me both sides

of the coin by keeping it real.

Believe me girl-I go thru this thread and read and reread everything

and see where it is with whats going on and what's being said between

me and him. You all match up with everything from his side and mine

everytime. So yes I KNOW it's from YOUR experiences (all of you!) that

I will learn! And I am.

 

I have made no decision or done anything rash or whatever else us

foolish heartbroken people do! I promise!

Just trying to fill you in on what's happening. So like I said to you

before-keep talking to me,keep yelling at me,keep bitching at me,keep

smacking me thru your monitor:p but most of all keep trying to help

me thru this and figure out what the hell is going on.

That goes to ALL OF YOU!! Thanks for being an amazing cyber family!

 

Hugs again

Take care.

[mazza32cott]

It's an extremely difficult situation. As for the other girl, if it is not a relationship, then what is it? Friends? Sleeping buddies? She is still there.

 

I really feel for you regrets, sounds to me like you would change given the chance, but perhaps you need to dig a bit deeper and try to work out why you were like that. Your emotions are all over the place now and when you lose someone, it's almost as though you go temporarily insane and forget the things about him which perhaps you did not like which may have been the cause of your treatment towards him. Did you treat everyone you have been with like that?

 

On the other side of the fence, he has received this treatment from you and is going through pain now because deep down he thinks it wont change and he is better off not going back to it. He probably has his friends in his ear agreeing with this. 3and a half years is a good innings to give a relationship a fair go. Maybe he is feeling like, how much more of my life do I waste.

 

As you know, I was treated very very badly. I have not heard from my ex for 8 days now and the pain is incredible. I do know that he will contact me and I know he will want to come back. What do I do? Give him another chance? I am so hurt right now that if it was today, maybe I would but I KNOW it would be the wrong thing to do. I KNOW that a little down the track (after the honeymoon period) he will treat me bad again. The past is all I have to go by. You see, that is what your ex is contending with too and I guess you already know that. Should we give people another chance? How often should we do that? From your posts, it's very obvious that he does not trust that things will turn out allright and the fact that he is still seeing the other girl puts a stamp on that.

 

I'm so sorry if this is upsetting you, I do not mean to do that and I am NOT having a dig at you so please don't take this the wrong way.

 

Maz

[NatoPMT]

it is no longer a 'relationship'. He stressed to me that it wasn't really something he was pursuing to make a relationship with her

 

If it was a 'relationship' and is no longer - has he ended it now? I dont think you are in a postion at the moment to be demanding answers, but this is necessary info

 

Is this a pile of bullsh*t? Possibly. There's always that chance.

Do I believe him? I would tell you yes

 

I would say you have to believe him, and he hasnt lied in the past, but keep in mind the situ is now very different and you arent in a relationship with him so he's not duty bound to you at all - although the things hes saying does indicate he still feels bound to you

 

He said he was beginning to get very angry

and resentful of me and did not want to end up hating me. I'll give

him props for that even though it hurt like hell.

 

I said in an earlier post, at least this way you do have a chance, had you carried on then youd have stood no chance at all of fixing this - he had to get your attention somehow and take it off yourself.

 

I just don't want to say something in haste and talk out of my ass

 

in your own time! but youre entitled to change your mind if you want to verbalise anything to help get your thinking straight

 

hes obviously understanding that this isnt a flash in the pan knee jerk reaction to the shock of it ending, hes starting to believe you are serious about stopping your tomfoolery.

 

however, maz says a few things that illustrate perfectly how hes feeling:

 

3and a half years is a good innings to give a relationship a fair go

 

he thinks this too, he knows you pretty well after this time Regrets, so you have a hard slog to undo all that time and prove its not the knee jerk reaction he fears it may be.

 

I KNOW that a little down the track (after the honeymoon period) he will treat me bad again.

 

Your ex will be feeling this too. and can you say for sure yet that you wont do this?

 

I'd swear YOU were on the phone with us.

 

it wasnt me, honest officer.

 

Maz:

 

What do I do? Give him another chance?

 

Absolutely not, not unless hes doing the same hard labour Regrets is putting in

 

Should we give people another chance?

 

Repeat last comment ad infinitum...

 

Absolutely not, not unless hes doing the same hard labour Regrets is putting in

 

i am off to do the washing up. very glamorous, thats me

 

BB x

[regrets]

Good afternoon!

 

Mazza-I should've explained that a little bit better-sorry. According to him-the relationship with this woman is over. Again-I have to say I can only go on what he says-I really don't have any way to know if it's the truth or not.

Even though that's over-he does not want us to rush into a relationship again because realistically-our relationship the way it was-sucked a big one! We both know that.

So I have to sit back and go about this at his pace and hope for the best. Who knows-maybe we'll figure out it's not worth saving. Maybe we will have a wonderful relationship from here on out. We just don't know.

As for treating everyone like that-believe it or not-this is the 2nd relationship I've been in. I was married for 11 yrs. (my husband was my first everything)and then after that was over became involved with this one. Yes you read that right-2 relationships. And I'm 33 yrs old. So I don't have much experience with men and the 'relationship world'.

 

BB-He most certainly got my attention! I learned a very valuable lesson. With or without him-I learned for the better.

 

It's driving me nuts trying to do this his way. But I think he really is on to something with the way he's suggesting we try this again.

All I can do is wait and see.

I still get up in the morning and take care of my girls and do the school stuff and then go to work and live a normal albeit boring life. So if this doesn't work out for us-I will go on-I have no choice. Right?

 

I feel like poop because of this cold so I'll be on a little later and fill you guys in on the latest.

Thanks for thinking of me.

 

Take care.

[NatoPMT]

It's driving me nuts trying to do this his way.

 

Thats because you are learning how to treat someone, and its going against all your current impulses, your current impulses are the path of least resistance and you usually look for quick fixes, the fastest way to what you want. This is good, you are resisting your usual methodology

 

Maybe we will have a wonderful relationship from here on out

 

no maybe about it, if you say you are 'trying' then you will fail - you dont 'try', you 'do'. In this case it depends on him too but think you can do this, think you can change KNOW you can treat him well and you will.

 

I learned for the better.

 

yeah! too right. i am 33 too and i had to learn the hard way. I have been with my bf for 2 years and i have treated him so well the whole time we have been together, i still feel like its my first relationship because its the first one ive known HOW to treat someone well

 

Youre doing so well Regrets, the more you get through this, the more happy with yourself you should start to feel, the past has now gone, this is (whether its with your ex or not) a new beginning for you. Youve got absolute and total control over what happens to you and how content you are so its time to feel optimistic. You know you can look after your girls and yourself, they will start to feel the benefit of this too.

[NatoPMT]

i am not 33 at all, i am 34. selective memory

[regrets]

I'm embarassed and feel even more confused and stupid.

Almost feel like saying be gentle but PLEASE DON'T!!

Here goes:

 

He calls me up to meet him at a bar he plays pool at. I get there. SHE'S there. I'm introduced to everyone including her. He pulls up a chair to his table and orders me a drink. While i'm sitting there he ignores this girl basically and says very little to her. He pays attention to me the entire time. Sitting there with my legs crossed he would shoot pool and then come stand by me with his body touching my legs. Talking to me,held my hand at one point-with her there. Didn't even phase him. I went to the washroom with a girl thats a mutual friend and she tells me that he is not happy and he definitely doesn't like this girl and that he says he still loves me-I'm all he talks about but he's scared. Im shaking my head wondering WTF am I doing here and what was the point of tonight?!?!

Several drinks for me later-he tells his friend pointing at me-"You see this woman here-she is my best friend in the whole world and she's thinking about giving me another chance". And this chick is sitting there the entire time. Not one word from her.

End of the night-I leave home-alone-they leave---together.

 

He sends me a message: Thank you for tonight-you've made me think about things even more. You have put me in a place I never dreamed of.You have a chance.PLease don't push.You did everything right tonight. Your showing up impressed me. Before when you wouldn't make time-now you found time. You just did something that is NOT the typical you. It took guts. But you still want things your way right NOW. And it won't work like that. You keep pushing and you'll lose me. Have a good night.

 

He said this in response to my text that I feel like an a**h*** for sitting there and not hitting him and then walking out. That I'm going home alone and she is still in the picture-friends or not-lovers or not.

 

He sends: I do understand. Here's my problem-I don't want to hurt you-I don't want to lead you on. You hurt me so bad,I don't know how I made it thru. It took me leaving to see a change.Before you could care less,now you're desperate. I have more reasons to leave than I do to stay. Regardless of what I do someone gets hurt.

 

ME: You said you have more reasons to leave than stay. How about staying because You love me. How about staying because I love you. A love like ours doesn't come around every 3 mths in a lifetime. I can't be more raw.open and honest with you.I think you're denying us-US!

 

HIM: This isn't about anyone but us.Don't ever again say I didn't give us/you a chance.I gave you my soul. I only wish you could see beyond YOUR fear and see MY pain. Wait until that numb feeling is the only way you can function and the only time you can talk to me is in your head cuz i won't answer. (*he said this is how I made him feel when I asked for space and wouldn't talk to him) You have no IDEA how lucky YOU ARE I still trust you enough to even think you won't hurt me again. I lived on hope when there was none. I begged for your love,to be told you didn't want to be bothered. Even now I can't even imagine hurting you the way you did me. A chance-you will always have a chance. I don't mean to be an ass but part of me wants proof not words.A chance-I've seen more of you in 3 wks than the last 3 mths. A chance-you'll always have a chance becuz I'm an idiot.I cant turn away from the light even though it burns my eyes.

 

Talked on wednesday-this man says to me"Do you know how I got you to come back when you left me?" I asked how. He says "I ignored you.I left you alone and you came back. Don't make yourself so accessible to me. Don't always answer my texts or calls-let me wonder where you are or what you're up to. Let me miss you"

My mouth dropped and I sat there there stunned like an moron.

 

Thanksgiving Day-sent Happy Turkey day texts 1st thing in the am and then nothing else all day. I went to work that afternoon for a double shift-he called me at work that night and says " I want to tell you that you are on my mind all the time. Go to sleep tonight with good dreams. You're making me think really hard about all of this. I'm very confused.Please understand that"

 

Texts and phones calls later on friday.I ignored him on saturday-tried to do what he suggested about letting him miss me. I get a text on sunday-"good morning-I just wanted you to know that you are on my mind.

I sent him one saying"good morning-this was a nice surprise. Are you still in town or are you gone already?"

HIM: Boarding in just a bit. I really am trying to think all this thru. Please don't think i'm dragging my feet.

ME:I don't think you're dragging your feet-I think you're being smart. Take your time. remember you always say 'no pressure no worries' have a safe flight.

[regrets]

Calls me at work when he lands. Asks me why I didn't call him on saturday. I said "I'm trying to leave you the hell alone like you suggested." We laughed a bit-a little small talk. And then he says that he had a very $hitty week and he wishes i did call. Asks me to call him when I leave.

 

Last night-Talked for over an hour. I told him that I don't need him in my life that I WANT him in my life. But if he chooses this chick over me there isn't a damn thing I can do about it but he needs to tell me so I can move on and leave him alone. He says that "there is nothing to this relationship and YOU KNOW IT."

I said to him" You know why I can't let this girl get to me ? Because she is NOT ME and you will NEVER have with her what you had with me and YOU KNOW IT!

He said "I know"

 

He said he is having a very hard time with the idea of trusting me not to do this again and to please take this slow. Says how I am now is what he begged for for so long and now that he can see and hear changes he is even more confused and scared.

Also said that he is afraid that if we got back together he wouldn't let me live this down and would be mean to me and he does NOT want that.

It was very late at this point so we called it a night.

I don't know what to make of any of this. I thought for sure he would've just told me to "F" off and never talk to me again with how I was speaking. I figured what the hell-I'm gonna tell him exactly how I feel-try to come off a little more confident and sure that I will be okay without him-and if he wants to be with this girl-good luck to them-just tell me.

Woke up to 2 texts from him and then a phone call. Says he is gonna call me on his lunch break.Sounded very happy on the phone. I'm stumped...

 

I'm having a bad gut feeling on this to be honest. I don't believe he will give us another chance. And you know what-I don't even think it's this girl.I don't think it's because he wants to be with her that he won't come back.It really is ME that will keep him from trying again.A part of me thinks that this bridge has been burned,charred,fried and demolished.

 

Rebounds don't last a month-do they? I wouldn't know. Do I sit back and take it slow? Do I just wish him well and say goodbye? What are the chances of them lasting? Do I give myself a time frame (say new years) and if he hasn't decided on us-either positve or negative-tell him good riddance and be done with this chapter in my life?

 

Ok-let me have it.

[omegaRED]

Well look. From what i`ve read, he`s carefull, but he hasn`t closed the door. He even told you not to be accessible. He asks time. Give it to him, move slow, but also, get on with your life. I don`t know, i mean you really have to earn his trust, but at the same time, you can do that by not being mean, and not being so pushy. Balance it out. I know you`re hurting, but i think you ought to take this very slowly. You know your mistake, he knows it. I don`t know if he`s playing games, but you gotta accept you screwed up and suck it up and endure this period and this pain he`s causing you (but i completely understand him). He`s been hurt by you, so whatever you do, you gotta have patience if you want him back.

 

The way i see it, you do have a chance. Now, you gotta make it up to him. But don`t overdo it. Listen to what he says. Try not to be angry, don`t let your emotions and the feeling that it`s not fair to you dictate your actions. You accepted you made a mistake, and made positive changes in your behaviour, but take it REAL slow. Don`t expect immidiate results, if you want him back.

 

I say give it a shot, don`t set a time frame, but also, don`t drag it out for too long. Otherwise you may end up kicking yourself for not trying when you knew there was a chance.

 

I wish you all the best, and i really do hope things between you work out. I really do.

[NatoPMT]

According to him-the relationship with this woman is over. Again-I have to say I can only go on what he says-I really don't have any way to know if it's the truth or not.

 

Ok Regrets - now you know its not the truth. He turns up with this girl, and flaunts you both in front of each other in the name of an experiment to see if you behave. I know hes hurt confused blah blah blah but you do NOT treat someone that way.

 

You say hes a nice person, but regardless of how nice he is, hes not behaving in a very nice fashion now. You were right to keep trying, and to show that your actions are substanciating your words, but for craps sake, what he did was pretty low. Even if she knew and was doing him a favour as an ex-date who wants himt o be happy, it was still a cheap shot.

 

I say that you are right in saying the bridge has been decimated. Hes showing how his behaviour has been affected, hes saying he might not be able to treat you well, his behviour backs that up. He says he doesnt want to lead you on, he IS leading you on. If he was serious about not wanting to hurt anyone, hed do the right thing, and what hes doing is the wrong, wrong, wrong, I'll say it again, wrong thing.

 

If i were in your boots (and i was once), i would apologise once more for what you put him through, thank him for what hes taught you, and wish in the best in whatever he does from here on in - then say goodbye.

 

Then walk away and do the thinking and retrospection you need to, before a more balanced you can be happy meeting the next person, who will benefit greatly from your recent experience

 

Im sorry Regrets, you really did try. Sometimes it comes too late.

[regrets]

BB-yeah I know-it was pretty low of him.

 

I think Im confused and baffled with everything he says to me. I know Im probably looking for a miracle and some shred of hope here when there is really none to be found.

All he says about this girl is that she is fun to hang out with but she's not me. That night he barely talked to her at all and never left my side. He even talked about me and to me in front of her. I do know that she is friends with all the pool buddies so on that end I can't say anything against that. I don't know what to make of this.

I think I know deep down this is a lost cause but it still hurts and deep down I still hope there is a chance for us.

I know Im crazy but its the truth-that's how I feel-I might as well be honest.

 

Why won't he just say goodbye and be done with this. When he broke up with me-he didn't talk to me at all. Why not just do it again? What made him resume contact and instill hope at a reconcilliation?

Why can't I just say goodbye and be done with this?!?!

Because I don't want to. I know I have to but I don't want to.

 

Omega-I wish he WOULD shut the door! I would wait for this man and take it slow-BUT-this woman is still in the picture.In whatever capacity-she is there. And I don't think this is a rebound anymore. It would be easier to take it slow if he was alone-but he's not. I'm still not sure on that deal.

 

I hate not knowing and I hate assuming and fearing and worrying and every other nasty feeling that comes with this bull$hit.

 

I'll keep you posted. Thanks for responding. But I think I already know the outcome. I think we all do.

This sucks.

[newbby]

he seems to be taking the punishing you thing a bit too far now. its almost as though he has the control now and hes milking it for all its worth. when he says you have to get on with your life like he had to etc, its almost as though he is trying to make you relive all that he went through.

he obviously is greatly in pain and he really wants you to really live through his pain so that you know. the thing is how much of this is just plain revenge and how much of it is really needing to know that you will be different?

its hard to tell.

i dont think you should let him control you like this.

i think you need to say enoughs enough. okay so you treated him badly but you didnt really do it conciously as he is doing now. you really need space from each other. he needs to work out these things on his own not THROUGH you, and you need to stop letting him kick you and forgive yourself for messing things up.

[Kengne]

he seems to be taking the punishing you thing a bit too far now. its almost as though he has the control now and hes milking it for all its worth. when he says you have to get on with your life like he had to etc, its almost as though he is trying to make you relive all that he went through.

he obviously is greatly in pain and he really wants you to really live through his pain so that you know. the thing is how much of this is just plain revenge and how much of it is really needing to know that you will be different?

its hard to tell.

i dont think you should let him control you like this.

i think you need to say enoughs enough. okay so you treated him badly but you didnt really do it conciously as he is doing now. you really need space from each other. he needs to work out these things on his own not THROUGH you, and you need to stop letting him kick you and forgive yourself for messing things up.

 

I 100% agree with this statement...He is punishing you! Big time! and you are helping him by allowing it! why?

[mazza32cott]

Sorry but I would be saying, I will give you all the time you want, however, not with this woman in your life. If you continue to see her I will close the door.

 

Maz