Did I mess it up or he wasn't really interested?

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, don't assume your level social media habit is someone else's level. 

You're just meeting this person. Why do you care if they didn't see your text for a while? And you're looking mainly for sex? Doubly why do you care if he said a wolfe had come into his room and blocked him from finding your text? 

My birthday was recent and I had work to do even though it was a weekend day.  I kept some tv on in the background just to accompany me while doing the work I had to do. Mostly I ignored the tv. It was just background white noise. And yes, I missed a text from a super-close friend ... 9 hours later did I see it.  I might have left the phone in my room when I went to cook some food. Or I might have turned off notifications to concentrate. And I deliberately ignored some texts and some calls. (Contacted them the next day.)

I imagine you were in relationship before where someone didn't pay you the attention you wanted? Where you felt disrespected and mistreated? That's fine. But this wild over-reaction--full of bizarre assumptions--ain't the way to fix the issue. 

And side question: why did it matter that this guy was a "top"? Was that part of the dynamic you felt was going on? 

Edited February 7, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Niceguy11]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Dude, don't assume your level social media habit is someone else's level. 

You're just meeting this person. Why do you care if they didn't see your text for a while? And you're looking mainly for sex? Doubly why do you care if he said a wolfe had come into his room and blocked him from finding your text? 

My birthday was recent and I had work to do even though it was a weekend day.  I kept some tv on in the background just to accompany me while doing the work I had to do. Mostly I ignored the tv. It was just background white noise. And yes, I missed a text from a super-close friend ... 9 hours later did I see it.  I might have left the phone in my room when I went to cook some food. Or I might have turned off notifications to concentrate. And I deliberately ignored some texts and some calls. (Contacted them the next day.)

I imagine you were in relationship before where someone didn't pay you the attention you wanted? Where you felt disrespected and mistreated? That's fine. But this wild over-reaction--full of bizarre assumptions--ain't the way to fix the issue. 

And side question: why did it matter that this guy was a "top"? Was that part of the dynamic you felt was going on? 

I stressed his being top because these guys are scarce on this site, which makes them feel and act a bit cocky or entitled. 

Now regarding my suggestion/reproach that he could have read and responded to my text, it was highly context-related, as we both wanted to get a visual idea of each other instantly. On the other hand, of course, l’m not bypassing the fact that the suggestion/reproach was a blurt on my part.

[Alpacalia]

If you're upset that he didn't respond in an instant, it says more about you. The feelings you have are valid AND no one else’s responsibility but yours. You also have the option of cutting things off or briefly mentioning it with them if it bothers you. It's up to you, but you don't have the right to force anyone to do something because you dislike it.

Secondly, yes, some responses can be simple. Or he can just let you know he's busy. This man preferred to watch a TV show then talk to you. Eh. Lame.

I think it’s just one of those things, and it comes to a point of boundaries. On one hand, you aren’t really entitled to their attention. On the other, you would still notice an interest if it's reciprocal.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Thanks

I was thinking that him being a top was part of the equation. So if tops are scarce, that explains more of your reaction. That's part of the equation that I as a hetero guy didn't consider. 

[Niceguy11]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

If you're upset that he didn't respond in an instant, it says more about you. The feelings you have are valid AND no one else’s responsibility but yours. You also have the option of cutting things off or briefly mentioning it with them if it bothers you. It's up to you, but you don't have the right to force anyone to do something because you dislike it.

Secondly, yes, some responses can be simple. Or he can just let you know he's busy. This man preferred to watch a TV show then talk to you. Eh. Lame.

I think it’s just one of those things, and it comes to a point of boundaries. On one hand, you aren’t really entitled to their attention. On the other, you would still notice an interest if it's reciprocal.

 

I wasn’t really upset, as a matter of fact. While my blurt could have surely been avoided, l think, in hindsight, the communication was becoming one sided, as if he wanted to be in control. 

[Niceguy11]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Thanks

I was thinking that him being a top was part of the equation. So if tops are scarce, that explains more of your reaction. That's part of the equation that I as a hetero guy didn't consider. 

Well, I don’t blame you for that:-))

[glows]

16 hours ago, Niceguy11 said:

Well, at first he was too inquisitive, which l find a bit indiscreet. Next, he gave me the impression of being strict and lacking a sense of humor. Then inappropriately telling me l had to look extremely masculine when with him.

I wouldn’t mention details about work or family either especially before meeting someone in person. It sounds like an awkward way to get to know someone. What it also sounds like, unfortunately, is that there was way too much texting and not enough in person dates or meeting in person. 

Things went sideways very quickly from all the texting going on and there seem to be many misunderstandings. I’d leave off of this and focus more on meeting in person and having those chats face to face. You’re also seeing if you’re attracted to one another in person. Cut straight to the chase without all the excess words. 
 

Edited February 8, 2023 by glows

[Niceguy11]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I wouldn’t mention details about work or family either especially before meeting someone in person. It sounds like an awkward way to get to know someone. What it also sounds like, unfortunately, is that there was way too much texting and not enough in person dates or meeting in person. 

Things went sideways very quickly from all the texting going on and there seem to be many misunderstandings. I’d leave off of this and focus more on meeting in person and having those chats face to face. You’re also seeing if you’re attracted to one another in person. Cut straight to the chase without all the excess words. 
 

"What it also sounds like, unfortunately, is that there was way too much texting and not enough in person dates or meeting in person."  No, there wasn't too much texting, since, as I stated in the original post, our communication wasn't smooth enough, despite the fact that he tried to sound polite. 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Niceguy11 said:

I wasn’t really upset, as a matter of fact. While my blurt could have surely been avoided, l think, in hindsight, the communication was becoming one sided, as if he wanted to be in control. 

It's also possible that he may not have been interested in video calling. Maybe his suggestion to "see each other" meant in person?

The thing is, is that you haven't met in person yet and you could be misinterpreting his actions.

Maybe you misinterpreted his delayed response as him playing games. Avoid the temptation to accuse him of blowing you off or disrespecting you before you know the circumstances.

It sounds like you expect him to immediately reply to you when you text him.

A 30-minute response time is not considered to be too long or unusual. In some cases, it could be considered reasonable or even prompt, while in others it might be seen as slow.

Sure, we could argue that if someone fancies you, the chances are they will get back to you quickly.

But look, if it's causing frustration on your end and you don't feel good about it then to heck with him.

Edited February 8, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Niceguy11]

22 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It's also possible that he may not have been interested in video calling. Maybe his suggestion to "see each other" meant in person?

The thing is, is that you haven't met in person yet and you could be misinterpreting his actions.

Maybe you misinterpreted his delayed response as him playing games. Avoid the temptation to accuse him of blowing you off or disrespecting you before you know the circumstances.

It sounds like you expect him to immediately reply to you when you text him.

A 30-minute response time is not considered to be too long or unusual. In some cases, it could be considered reasonable or even prompt, while in others it might be seen as slow.

Sure, we could argue that if someone fancies you, the chances are they will get back to you quickly.

But look, if it's causing frustration on your end and you don't feel good about it then to heck with him.

"Maybe you misinterpreted his delayed response as him playing games."  Yes, that's what I told him first, but then toned it down by stating that I found his watching TV an acceptable reason for him to not have responded earlier. 

To be clear for one thing:  I never expected, nor asked him in earlier cases to respond promptly/later/or whatever - I hardly ever ask people to do that, unless it's an emergency situation.  Maybe the main reason I blurted that comment is, in hindsight, that he was constantly giving unsolicited excuses  for reacting to my messages later than expected.  Despite this, I would make no remarks on his excuses. Once I did, I think he took "revenge" on my reaction - this is my impression.    

Now, to answer the other question whether he suggested meeting in person, this wasn't his point, nor mine because I strongly dislike blind dates.

Edited February 8, 2023 by Niceguy11
Addition

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Niceguy11 said:

 I strongly dislike blind dates.

Unfortunately using dating apps is sort of like blind dates. You message a few times then suggest meeting to determine in-person chemistry.  Try to make sure you're not attempting to have purely online interactions. While some people are into that, many see it as a waste of time and prefer meeting people in person.

[Niceguy11]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately using dating apps is sort of like blind dates. You message a few times then suggest meeting to determine in-person chemistry.  Try to make sure you're not attempting to have purely online interactions. While some people are into that, many see it as a waste of time and prefer meeting people in person.

My point is I need to have a visual idea of the other person before meeting him. Chemistry, of course, is determined during face to face interaction.  

[Alpacalia]

31 minutes ago, Niceguy11 said:

"Maybe you misinterpreted his delayed response as him playing games."  Yes, that's what I told him first, but then toned it down by stating that I found his watching TV an acceptable reason for him to not have responded earlier. 

To be clear for one thing:  I never expected, nor asked him in earlier cases to respond promptly/later/or whatever - I hardly ever ask people to do that, unless it's an emergency situation.  Maybe the main reason I blurted that comment is, in hindsight, that he was constantly giving unsolicited excuses  for reacting to my messages later than expected.  Despite this, I would make no remarks on his excuses. Once I did, I think he took "revenge" on my reaction - this is my impression.    

Now, to answer the other question whether he suggested meeting in person, this wasn't his point, nor mine because I strongly dislike blind dates.

He suggested "we should see each other" and your response was to send him your phone number.

If I expressed interest in meeting someone and their response was to simply text me their phone number to videocam, I would find that pretentious. The way this reads is like, [hey, I really want to meet you]. Your response is/was, [well, here's my phone number, now you get in touch].

Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. That's just a bit how it comes across.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Niceguy11 said:

My point is I need to have a visual idea of the other person before meeting him. 

Are you using apps that have pics in their profiles? That should be enough to decide if you want to meet in person. That's often the way it goes . People contact each other based on the profile and pics then if there's mutual interest, set up an in-person meeting. Some people dislike video chatting for security and other reasons, such as ruling out those who won't meet.

[Niceguy11]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He suggested "we should see each other" and your response was to send him your phone number.

If I expressed interest in meeting someone and their response was to simply text me their phone number to videocam, I would find that pretentious. The way this reads is like, [hey, I really want to meet you]. Your response is/was, [well, here's my phone number, now you get in touch].

Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. That's just a bit how it comes across.

 

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

If I expressed interest in meeting someone and their response was to simply text me their phone number to videocam, I would find that pretentious.

Me sending him the phone happened naturally, based on our texting earlier. Then if he had a change of heart right after, he is the one to answer this.

[Niceguy11]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you using apps that have pics in their profiles? That should be enough to decide if you want to meet in person. That's often the way it goes . People contact each other based on the profile and pics then if there's mutual interest, set up an in-person meeting. Some people dislike video chatting for security and other reasons, such as ruling out those who won't meet.

Neither of us has a face pic on the profile. 

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, Niceguy11 said:

Me sending him the phone happened naturally, based on our texting earlier. Then if he had a change of heart right after, he is the one to answer this.

Are you familiar with any situations where people have taken advantage of you and/or betrayed your trust in the past?

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Niceguy11 said:

Neither of us has a face pic on the profile. 

Ok. That's a red flag. You'll have to get a better profile and pics on the dating apps and definitely avoid profiles with no pics.  People are more savvy these days as far as ruling out scammers and catfish. Is there a reason you're low profile (hiding your identity) about this?

[Niceguy11]

30 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Are you familiar with any situations where people have taken advantage of you and/or betrayed your trust in the past?

Of course, this has happened to me. The thing is, with time, I have tried to better manage this. On the other hand, while I am considerate by nature, I know I am not perfect, but I always assume responsibility for my actions and inactions by trying to redress my faults.  

[Niceguy11]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. That's a red flag. You'll have to get a better profile and pics on the dating apps and definitely avoid profiles with no pics.  People are more savvy these days as far as ruling out scammers and catfish. Is there a reason you're low profile (hiding your identity) about this?

In my country, only few have a face pic on the dating site. Many refuse to swap face pics even while texting. 

[Wiseman2]

On 2/7/2023 at 3:58 AM, Niceguy11 said:

 a versatile 40 yo guy, had been texting with a 27 yo 

You mentioned the norm in your country. Are gay dating apps or gay dating frowned upon or taboo in your culture? In any case, if the norm is to stay anonymous, perhaps exchange  pics  then meet in person.

[Niceguy11]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

exchange  pics  then meet in person.

This is the problem: lots of users on the site don't want to exchange face pics before meeting. 

Gay dating is still a taboo, and many gay or bi guys, I'd say, still freak out when it comes to the idea of a normal, face to face date.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Niceguy11 said:

The thing is, with time, I have tried to better manage this. On the other hand, while I am considerate by nature, I know I am not perfect, but I always assume responsibility for my actions and inactions by trying to redress my faults.  

Okay.

That's terrific.

The presence of neediness turns men off (and women off). I'm not suggesting that you are needy but a 30-minute lag in response isn't all that unusual.

When you are cool with yourself, then you are in good hands. People who stress always lose, but paradoxically, those who stay calm are highly coveted.

For now, to be brief, leave him COMPLETELY alone until he gets curious why you are so quiet. He's been pushed to the edge of a cliff, and he has nowhere to go. I don't think you'll be hearing back from him. But that's okay.

Edited February 8, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Niceguy11]

30 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Okay.

That's terrific.

The presence of neediness turns men off (and women off). I'm not suggesting that you are needy but a 30-minute lag in response isn't all that unusual.

When you are cool with yourself, then you are in good hands. People who stress always lose, but paradoxically, those who stay calm are highly coveted.

For now, to be brief, leave him COMPLETELY alone until he gets curious why you are so quiet. He's been pushed to the edge of a cliff, and he has nowhere to go. I don't think you'll be hearing back from him. But that's okay.

Again, it isn’t  the 30-min timeframe per se because he would also text back after 24h, and me making no remarks on that. So, l suppose he felt “hurt” from my remark the last time, which was “a good reason”  for him to end all contact. 

While l learned my lesson, l feel, in hindsight, he wasn’t worth my time. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

41 minutes ago, Niceguy11 said:

Again, it isn’t  the 30-min timeframe per se because he would also text back after 24h, and me making no remarks on that. So, l suppose he felt “hurt” from my remark the last time, which was “a good reason”  for him to end all contact. 

While l learned my lesson, l feel, in hindsight, he wasn’t worth my time. 

 

 

Yes, it is best to move on if someone is unwilling to communicate and resolve misunderstandings. Ultimately, you deserve to be with someone who respects and appreciates you, and it sounds like this person was not fulfilling that for you.