Gaeta Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 Only you decide what's a big deal in your life. I would not date a drinker. None of my boyfriends drank alcohol. My family are all drinkers, they even make their own wine & beer. Of course to them someone that drinks is no big deal.....good news is I get to decide what I want and don't want. I will repeat what lotsgoinon is saying, all breakups are sad, even those that were long due. It just means you're human, it's sad to hurt someone, but it will pass soon. 1
Author Kindle500 Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 I understand that it's OK to be sad, for sure. But honestly, I'm sad for her. I'm OK. She seemed to really like me, and I just could no longer match the feelings due to the reasons discussed. She got me a thoughtful, not expensive, gift for Christmas and my birthday last year. It was very thoughtful. At my job, some guy collapsed and she took care of the guys son while EMS worked on his dad, distracting him. Making the kid smile as he stood there in shock. She has great qualities as a human being. I saw what I saw. But I also experienced things I did not like. So watching her cry as I broke it off with her really hurt me too. But just because people have good qualities doesn't mean I have to date them or be in a relationship with them if it does not work for me. The excessive drinking side of her was just not for me. And I was not doing her any favors in being the relationship as well. Let her be free and maybe meet someone else that might suit her better. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 11, 2023 Posted February 11, 2023 Dude, let's get this straight: if she is as wonderful in her strengths as you say, she is going to get on with her life and you will exist in her head as a dim memory at some point. Breakups hurt. They have to hurt. I'ma be blunt: so what?! They don't kill people. Breakups don't maim. I don't know of any trauma people suffer from "my boyfriend broke up with me." Tears are for sadness. Sadness is a healthy emotion around loss. Yes breakups can trigger insecurities. I know this may sound cold and strange, but all breakups are brutal. Almost all. Unless both see it coming. And if both see it coming, it can still hurt. The only breakups that don't hurt (at least sometime) are when we are not really into the person. Breakups have to be sad. Otherwise, she wouldn't begin the process of letting you go and plotting how to meet another guy who is a better fit for her. Or she can start plotting that she needs to get the drinking under control. I don't care how many lives she saved, if she's routinely drunk that will ultimately interfere with her saving lives. And if can still save lives, she won't be able to have a real private life. She's fine. We all go through the breakup experience. Yes, it hurts but in that hurt is separation. She's beginning the process of separating from you. It starts with facing the reality that you no longer want to be with her. Crying in sadness is healthy and healing. What's not healthy is the person hurting like hell inside and walking around pretending nothing's going on. That can be unhealthy. 3
Author Kindle500 Posted February 12, 2023 Author Posted February 12, 2023 On 2/10/2023 at 4:40 PM, Lotsgoingon said: Let's be clear though: those incoherent texts--just those--are enough to dump someone. Just those! One of those texts. Not two, not four, not six. One! Unless she provides a powerful explanation. OK, most of us can't act based on one such incident. .Maybe you pretend away the first wild tex, but the second, no! Done! It's a pattern. I'm not dealing with anyone who goes incoherent. Not doing it. You shouldn't thinking about it. I just want to thank everyone for taking the time to write. I'm feeling good. This line that I quoted really helped me because it validates what I was feeling when it happened. Someone like Lotsgoingon really helped me see that my instincts were correct, but I ignored them. That this behavior was not OK. Yes I lost interest in her apart from this, but when these incoherent texts and calls happened I was bothered by them. I let it go because when I finally called her out on it she assured me that it would not happen again, and I think she thought that as long as she didn't do it anymore, then everything would be OK. But the reality is that once it happened it soiled things for me, and I just had a nagging feeling that never left me. I just remembered an incident when we spent a nice Saturday together. I had to leave as I had plans with a friend that night. That night, around 10 PM, as I was with my friend, I got 3 calls from her within 2 minutes, followed by incoherent texts. She had been drinking, and it felt sloppy and needy. I remember feeling very concerned and turned off when this happened. Anyhow, thanks all. I'm feeling good and relieved.
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