Relationship/dating issue (merged thread)

[poppyfields]

I think issues surrounding the amount of closeness and distance (space) both people need is the number one issue in relationships today. 

In your case OP, she needs more closeness, you need more space/distance.  

As evidenced by the fact that before she began upping the closeness ante to 8 or 9, you were more interested.

As such you're feeling uninspired, suffocated and turned off.  

Everything else -  drinking, work and other "red flags" are just background noise to justify the fact you're, again feeling uninspired, suffocated and your feelings/interest level has dropped significantly. 

I don't know if this can ever change.  She is who she is, you are who you are. 

You're incompatible in this regard, and it's okay, you're not obligated to remain interested as you once were. 

Feelings and emotions are fluid and can often change when two people are on completely different wavelengths about certain things such as this. 

You can talk to her about dialing it back, giving you more space but my guess is since it's not coming from her own heart because it's who she is too, she will come to resent it.  

My advice is go separate ways and look for a woman more aligned with what you need with respect to distance and closeness and stop trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. 

Edited February 5, 2023 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, you just need to remove the editor and identify what bothers you ... or just identify the feeling that something is bothering you.

Remove the editor. Of course, she's a good person. That's OK. Doesn't mean you should be dating her. So let's admit she is a good person and has many good qualities and that you and her have had some really good times. Let's admit all of that.

Now, what is bothering you?!

I recoiled at the thought of you guys eating lunch together at work 5 times a week. No, you need to go have lunch (and she too) with other coworkers. And you're seeing each other every night, no!

Push aside distance--who cares! You got to step and admit (seems to me) that you want to see her less. Let's start there. And then you got to address why you are acting like you have a gun to your head. You are under no requirement to meet with her so often and under no requirement to keep dating her. Why are you acting like some important person has blessed your union and you can't break it?

Edited February 5, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Weezy1973]

Most people we date we won’t be compatible with long term. It’s normal. It’s tougher in this case to break up because you work together, but it is what it is. I suspect if you didn’t work together you would have already broken up. Time to pull the band aid off.

[Kindle500]

12 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Dude, you just need to remove the editor and identify what bothers you ... or just identify the feeling that something is bothering you.

Remove the editor. Of course, she's a good person. That's OK. Doesn't mean you should be dating her. So let's admit she is a good person and has many good qualities and that you and her have had some really good times. Let's admit all of that.

Now, what is bothering you?!

I recoiled at the thought of you guys eating lunch together at work 5 times a week. No, you need to go have lunch (and she too) with other coworkers. And you're seeing each other every night, no!

Push aside distance--who cares! You got to step and admit (seems to me) that you want to see her less. Let's start there. And then you got to address why you are acting like you have a gun to your head. You are under no requirement to meet with her so often and under no requirement to keep dating her. Why are you acting like some important person has blessed your union and you can't break it?

Guilt and the fact  that I work with her and will have to see her.

[NuevoYorko]

Well ... you probably don't need to be pointing out any issues you may have with how she lives her life, drinking, etc.  You're not that into her,  and it's time to stop seeing her. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Kindle500 said:

Guilt and the fact  that I work with her and will have to see her.

Why the guilt?  SMH at this, seriously.

You're entitled to your feelings, or lack thereof, you are under no obligation to remain as interested as you once were. 

This is why we date, to learn about each other to determine if someone is the right fit long term.

[ ] 

Edited February 5, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
takes thread off topic

[Lotsgoingon]

Agree! You are treating her like a child you have responsibility for. You don't have responsibility for her. If you think she can't survive and be deliriously happy without you (after some period of sadness) then you don't really respect her and you shouldn't be dating her!

Immediately cut out the everyday lunch eating unless you're with a group of coworkers ... neither of you had sense enough to know that was too much and too claustrophobic. It also doesn't look great on the job and can be a problem--you're missing out on learning from other people.  

You can announce that you want to eat separately 3x a week in order to connect with other coworkers and hear what's going on with them. And there is always something going on at work. That's a start!

 

[ShyViolet]

You know that you feel lukewarm about her and have lost interest in this relationship.  In normal circumstances the right thing to do would be to end this and not let it go any further, so as not to waste the other person's time and not let them get more invested in something that is going nowhere.  But in light of the fact that you work with her and will have to see her at work.... it's EXTRA important that you cut this off now before it goes any further.  Your lack of interest in this relationship makes it pretty obvious that it's not going to last, and so when it does inevitably end, you need to think about what's going to happen when you still have to see her at work.  It's less likely to be difficult/dramatic if the relationship was shorter, rather than dragged on.  Cut your losses and don't waste any more of your time and hers.  Yes I'm sure she will still have some hurt feelings no matter what, but things will blow over.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Kindle500 said:

Some of the times when she drunk dialed or texted me, she was just sitting at home.

if she's getting drunk at home alone, she's got a problem with booze. Full stop. 

That in addition to everything else you highlighted? You two are just not a match. End it with her, kindly and respectfully but firmly, so you can free yourself up to find a woman who is more suited to you. This one isn't it, for numerous reasons. 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Kindle500 said:

, she  she can sometimes lose herself to drink

The heavy drinking is a red flag for you. The drunk phone calls are deal breakers for you.  You're aware of the issues and incompatibilities. It's up to you to reflect if this is the right relationship or woman for you. Please don't be blinded by looks. If she is problematic, you'll have to reflect how much trouble this is worth.

Edited February 6, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

17 hours ago, Kindle500 said:

Guilt and the fact  that I work with her and will have to see her.

It's not that big of a deal. 

Tons of people have dated co-workers, it didn't work, and life went on. It's not a divorce, it's dating. What's the alternative? You stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy because she's a co-worker....She will meet someone else, you will too, and life will go on at work. 

She's a good person....aren't we all? but we're not all meant to date each other. 

[Kindle500]

On 2/5/2023 at 9:42 PM, ShyViolet said:

You know that you feel lukewarm about her and have lost interest in this relationship.  In normal circumstances the right thing to do would be to end this and not let it go any further, so as not to waste the other person's time and not let them get more invested in something that is going nowhere.  But in light of the fact that you work with her and will have to see her at work.... it's EXTRA important that you cut this off now before it goes any further.  Your lack of interest in this relationship makes it pretty obvious that it's not going to last, and so when it does inevitably end, you need to think about what's going to happen when you still have to see her at work.  It's less likely to be difficult/dramatic if the relationship was shorter, rather than dragged on.  Cut your losses and don't waste any more of your time and hers.  Yes I'm sure she will still have some hurt feelings no matter what, but things will blow over.

I broke it off today.  It was very difficult.  She started crying, saying that I blindsided her.  It was really really bad.  As soon as the tears came down I began to think that maybe I was making a mistake.

I explained that I was not fully in the relationship as I should be and that she should be with someone who could be.  Even though I feel like I did what was authentic and right, she was still hurt and I feel real bad.

I told her that I genuinely care about her, I just don't want to be her boyfriend.  It was not aligned with how I was feeling.

  I feel like a dirtbag.

Edited February 7, 2023 by Kindle500

[basil67]

You're not a dirtbag.  You simply weren't comfortable in the relationship.

Also, I don't know if you told her that you were uncomfortable with her drinking, but if you did, then she wasn't blindsided.

[Kindle500]

33 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're not a dirtbag.  You simply weren't comfortable in the relationship.

Also, I don't know if you told her that you were uncomfortable with her drinking, but if you did, then she wasn't blindsided.

Thanks.  

When she drunk texted and dialed me I felt surprised by it.  We are talking about phone calls where she could barley speak, and she would always fall asleep with the phone on, leaving me in silence.

I told her that I would like this to stop.  She apologized and it did stop.  She thought this was the problem. 

But  I could not make her understand that the real problem was her drinking, as well as her circle's relationship to drinking.  I would mention a concern after we went to a social event, and she would say "Oh come on, I'm not drunk, just a little tipsy.  I'm fine."  Though one could tell that she has been drinking.  So it was challenging.

 

But my main issue has been that I've become uninspired, and I could not move forward with good conscious.  She said I should have brought this up before.

What I really wanted to say was "Look, I just want out!"

But I did tell her that I still cared for her, but I just could not play the role of boyfriend to her.  I told her that if she was ever ready, and wanted to, I could still be a friend who would care about her.  Just not a boyfriend.  I meant it too.

Nothing helped.  She started crying bad which mad me feel worse... I almost relented.

She even said, "I now need time to get over you...but you're my best friend at this job, but it's my problem." And she started crying more.

  

 

 

 

Edited February 7, 2023 by Kindle500

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, Kindle500 said:

Thanks.  

When she drunk texted and dialed me I felt surprised by it.  We are talking about phone calls where she could barley speak, and she would always fall asleep with the phone on, leaving me in silence.

I told her that I would like this to stop.  She apologized and it did stop.  She thought this was the problem. 

But  I could not make her understand that the real problem was her drinking, as well as her circle's relationship to drinking.  I would mention a concern after we went to a social event, and she would say "Oh come on, I'm not drunk, just a little tipsy.  I'm fine."  Though one could tell that she has been drinking.  So it was challenging.

 

But my main issue has been that I've become uninspired, and I could not move forward with good conscious.  She said I should have brought this up before.

What I really wanted to say was "Look, I just want out!"

But I did tell her that I still cared for her, but I just could not play the role of boyfriend to her.  I told her that if she was ever ready, and wanted to, I could still be a friend who would care about her.  Just not a boyfriend.  I meant it too.

Nothing helped.  She started crying bad which mad me feel worse... I almost relented.

While it does sound like she got quite drunk on occasion and stopped doing that at your request, she likely felt that being a bit buzzed or tipsy would be a good compromise.  But you weren't OK with that either.   Hence the disconnect in understanding on her end.   

But the fact remains that if you aren't comfortable with someone who you can tell has been drinking, then you're best with someone who doesn't drink much at all.   And nor should she settle for someone who's not OK with her being a party girl.   So ending it was the right decision.   Also, please don't go offering future friendship to someone you just dumped - it just adds insult to injury.   End it cleanly and allow her the space to move on and start over without you in her life.   Besides, how many of your and her future partners will want an ex hanging around in the wings?   In most cases, being friends with an ex is a bad idea.

Edited February 7, 2023 by basil67

[Kindle500]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

While it does sound like she got quite drunk on occasion and stopped doing that at your request, she likely felt that being a bit buzzed or tipsy would be a good compromise.  But you weren't OK with that either.   Hence the disconnect in understanding on her end.   

But the fact remains that if you aren't comfortable with someone who you can tell has been drinking, then you're best with someone who doesn't drink much at all.   And nor should she settle for someone who's not OK with her being a party girl.   So ending it was the right decision.   Also, please don't go offering future friendship to someone you just dumped - it just adds insult to injury.   End it cleanly and allow her the space to move on and start over without you in her life.   Besides, how many of your and her future partners will want an ex hanging around in the wings?   In most cases, being friends with an ex is a bad idea.

Thanks and noted.

[Gaeta]

You did the right thing.

She will get over it, it's not her first heartbreak and probably not her last.

You did not blindside her, you actually gave it your best shot and you were not compatible. You will both find better suited partners.

What you feel is normal, It's hard to break someone's heart, soon you'll be glad you've done it.

Edited February 8, 2023 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Kindle500 said:

I broke it off today. I told her that I genuinely care about her, I just don't want to be her boyfriend.  

You did the right thing. It's her responsibility to cope. Even though it went unspoken, you've mentioned the problem drinking before. 

However the "it's me, not you"approach is sometimes the best option. That way there's no negotiating or pleading.

Hopefully you can manage still working together and distancing yourself. 

[Kindle500]

Hi all

 

I wrote in another forum on this website how recently I broke up with a woman I had been dating for 5 months.  I couldn't in good faith continue because I was no longer feeling it.  Of course I felt bad and guilty.  I still do and I'm dealing with it.

But someone on some other forum told me that we really had a compatibility issue:  her drinking habits.   It bothered me, I expressed it to her, but she assured me that it was not a problem.  But in the end, as my therapist said, "would you really want this issue looming over you all your life?"

I struggled with this drinking because some of my friends would tell me, "what's the big deal?"  I started to feel like I was making a mountain of a molehill, becuase she was actually a sweet person, held at high regard at work, and people love her.  But I was confused and still felt uneasy about it.

If you would all please allow me to jot down some of the things that I experienced.  Perhaps just writing it down would help me.

 

1. She drunk texted and called me about 6 times.  Gibberish constant texts like "ffeffe" or " Hey... I...um... um...dfffedfef."   Phone calls where she sounded like she had been drinking, where she would drop her phone and fall asleep, leaving me calling out her name if she was ok, like an idiot, then realizing that she had fallen asleep.  I asked her to stop this behavior, and she apologized and did so.  Though I once got a weird from her  text at 3 Am but she insisted that it was a glitch on her phone.

2. She told me a story of where she got so drunk at her last job's last Christmas party that that had to get her a cab and a hotel room.

3. Her siblings, who she lived with, drink allot.  Her brother had tons of used beer cans in a section of his room piling up, and her sister, from what what I saw and from what she told me, drank a lot.

4. One time her sister facetimed her when she was with me, after a minute some loud guy came on and said "Hey Mary ( not her real name) I heard you got wasted last night!!!"  After the call I asked her if what the guy said was true, she told me that the guy was kidding.  But I felt that she was lying to me in order to assuage my feelings, as she knew that too much drinking  consistently is an issue for me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

5.  I went to an Irish parade with her and her family, the drinking never stopped.  Yes it's a celebration but considering the other things I saw, I felt uneasy.

6.  She went to a baseball game with her siblings and a friend, she said they drank before the game with shots at a restaurant,  then drank more at the game, then went to a bar after the game.

7.  I went to her friends baby christening.  After the event, we were invited to her friends house and they started  playing beer pong.  No one got drunk, but I'm 43, they are in their early to mid 30's, is this still a thing?

8.  We went to a get together at her friend's house, she drank beer all day and  confessed to me that she had a shot with her friends.  At the end of the night she was tipsy, I can't say she was drunk, though she almost fell as she tired leaning on the refrigerator as she clasped on to a beer..  I saw it, she misjudged it, but she said she was fine.

9.  I went to a family Christmas party this past year.   Every time her wine glass was empty, as soon as the waiter showed up, she asked for a refill.  She introduced me to her two aunts, both were drunk and slurring their words as they loudly talked to me.  Her sister got SO drunk they had to carry her to a car.  She pleaded with me, with beer in hand "Please don't judge me now because of my sister!"  She didn't understand that I wasn't judging her or her sister, this circus was just was not for me.   

As far as she was concerned, she was in control and couldn't understand the problem, afterall she wasn't getting drunk in front of me.

So', I'm not here to judge her or to even say that she has a problem with drinking, I had a problem with it.

She is actually a fine lady, I work with her.  She is held in high regard by her collogues and gets along with everyone.  She deals with people kindly and treated me kindly and with thoughtfulness.

However, while I generally lost interest in her over the months, I can't live a life with someone where these drinking issues would surface constantly.  She's Ok with the drinking excessively, it's what her circle does, ... but I didn't like it.  The excessive drinking was too consistent. I drink, but a few drinks and I'm good.

I do feel guilt about ending it with her as I look at the very thoughtful gifts she got me, the kindness she showed me etc.  I'm very sorry, I just lost  romantic interest and could not see a future with her.  Better to cut the cord now and let her find someone else.  

Edited February 10, 2023 by Kindle500

[stillafool]

You did the right thing.  Stop being so hard on yourself.  I promise you she will get over it sooner than you think.

[Kindle500]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You did the right thing.  Stop being so hard on yourself.  I promise you she will get over it sooner than you think.

Thank you, and our drinking incompatibility aside, I lost interest.  I realized that I was being avoidant and I didn't even want to show affection or cuddle.  I could not continue to date her in good faith.  She deserves someone who cares for her as much as she cared for me.  She is hurt and cried in front of me, I'm very sorry and told her so.  Who wants to disappoint and hurt someone, especially in a romantic capacity?  It effects me, but you are right.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm just about your age OP, and I would be very turned off by this behaviour. 

For me, this is the kind of thing college or highschool kids do. It speaks to not only a possible problem with alcohol, but an overall lack of maturity. Having a few drinks on a special occasion is one thing. But this woman's life appears alcohol-soaked and teenager-ish. 

6 hours ago, Kindle500 said:

she assured me that it was not a problem

It doesn't matter if she thinks it isn't a problem. If it's a problem for you, that's enough. You have no reason to feel guilty, though I understand it's hard when you know you have hurt someone. But there is no way this would have worked out. Your lifestyles and mindsets are totally different. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Of course you did the right thing. She has a drinking problem by my definition. Not a close call for me.

Here's the thing about friends. Friends can be completely dumb sometimes when we express a concern about a romantic partner. I thought a lot about why this is. One of the smartest people I knew told me it was wrong to break up with an ex because she was in the middle of moving. I was feeling a million miles away from this woman while she was here! ... But I followed this friend's advice.  

Guess what: in a few months SHE dumped me. I wasn't imagining the problems, and there is no good time to break up with someone. She would have done fine relocating if I had broken up with her. Fine. And if she didn't do fine, that ain't my problem. That's hers!

Back to why friends can miss the boat on dating advice. You might have been reporting her drinking in an understated way.  Sometimes we share this info and we are really wanting (hoping) the person says, "no big deal." And friends can read this. 

Let's be clear though: those incoherent texts--just those--are enough to dump someone. Just those! One of those texts. Not two, not four, not six. One! Unless she provides a powerful explanation. OK, most of us can't act based on one such incident. .Maybe you pretend away the first wild tex, but the second, no! Done! It's a pattern.  I'm not dealing with anyone who goes incoherent. Not doing it. You shouldn't thinking about it. 

Her life will be limited by the drinking problem. And that includes all issues with you. Unfortunately I am quite familiar with the destructive of addictions of all kinds. Your friends might not have that experience. Or ... dude, you might have wildly clueless friends. 

Edited February 10, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Kindle500]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Of course you did the right thing. She has a drinking problem by my definition. Not a close call for me.

Here's the thing about friends. Friends can be completely dumb sometimes when we express a concern about a romantic partner. I thought a lot about why this is. One of the smartest people I knew told me it was wrong to break up with an ex because she was in the middle of moving. I was feeling a million miles away from this woman while she was here! ... But I followed this friend's advice.  

Guess what: in a few months SHE dumped me. I wasn't imagining the problems, and there is no good time to break up with someone. She would have done fine relocating if I had broken up with her. Fine. And if she didn't do fine, that ain't my problem. That's hers!

Back to why friends can miss the boat on dating advice. You might have been reporting her drinking in an understated way.  Sometimes we share this info and we are really wanting (hoping) the person says, "no big deal." And friends can read this. 

Let's be clear though: those incoherent texts--just those--are enough to dump someone. Just those! One of those texts. Not two, not four, not six. One! Unless she provides a powerful explanation. OK, most of us can't act based on one such incident. .Maybe you pretend away the first wild tex, but the second, no! Done! It's a pattern.  I'm not dealing with anyone who goes incoherent. Not doing it. You shouldn't thinking about it. 

Her life will be limited by the drinking problem. And that includes all issues with you. Unfortunately I am quite familiar with the destructive of addictions of all kinds. Your friends might not have that experience. Or ... dude, you might have wildly clueless friends. 

Thanks.  You are right.  About the texts and friends.  

I'm feeling OK though as I process everything.  I am no longer in a relationship that I don't want to be in.  

She would be here with me right now, hanging out with me till Sunday, as she lives an hour away from me.  And I'd be unhappy in truth.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

So whenever I find myself looking back as you are doing (and catching yourself) that's a sign that you got some inner work to do ... and make some external work to get out and work on your life. 

BTW: even if a breakup makes sense, it can hurt and hurt a lot ... There can be loneliness and sadness and all of that--even if you broke up for good reason. So don't take that sadness or whatever you're feeling as a sign that you should get back with her. You aren't even a year out, right.