Falling Out of Love

[heydude]

Heyo, sorry if format of this is weird, I’ve never posted like this before. I’m a high school junior and I’ve been dating my partner since freshman year. They have always been perfect in literally every way, I can’t imagine a person who I mix with more perfectly. The problem is that I feel like they keep falling harder and becoming more obsessed with me every day, and I’m kinda realizing that I don’t see them in my future any more. The worst part is that I think some of my loss of feelings is due to an illness they have: the illness requires near constant medical attention and chronic pain, so every time we text or hang out it goes from happy joking to them crying in pain in a matter of minutes. I feel like such an a**h*** cuz they can’t control their pain, but at the same time I feel like more of a nurse than a partner sometimes. Their parents already speak like we’re married and talk about how I need to make a ton of money to be able to afford their medical expenses, but the career I feel passionate about probably won’t be able to make me much money at all, at least starting out. I’m realizing more and more that they feel like the past to me now more than the future, but I don’t know what to do. I still love them SO damn much and I feel like if I were to break it off it would be the biggest mistake of my life, but god this is exhausting. Additionally, I’m the only person they actually talk to about their pain cuz they try not to mention it around friends and family, so I’m literally 100% of their support system, and they frequently need me because sometimes their pain makes them want to self harm. I just don’t know, y’all. I really do love them and I’m kinda waiting for something to organically pull us apart ig? I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone so perfect for me again, but this amount of intensity in a relationship is not something I wanna have to deal with as a 14, 15, 16, year old and on. Pls help. Thank you so much <3

[ShyViolet]

13 minutes ago, heydude said:

Their parents already speak like we’re married and talk about how I need to make a ton of money to be able to afford their medical expenses, 

Your partner's parents speak to you this way, at age 16?  That is one of the most inappropriate things I've ever heard.  Your partner's parents must be mentally unstable to be telling a 16 year old that you need to make a lot of money to pay for their kid's medical expenses.  Don't think that this is normal; it's not.

16 minutes ago, heydude said:

I still love them SO damn much and I feel like if I were to break it off it would be the biggest mistake of my life, but god this is exhausting. 

Oh you are so young.  No it would not be the biggest mistake of your life.  This is a high school relationship..... of course it's not going to last the rest of your life.  It's going to end as you grow, mature and figure out who you are as a person. This relationship is not healthy and you know that.  It's going to end.  The question is, how much more time are you going to waste in this unhappy and unhealthy situation?  Your partner is "obsessed" with you, which is not normal or acceptable relationship behavior.  You need to end this before it goes any further and then just becomes harder to remove yourself from.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, heydude said:

Additionally, I’m the only person they actually talk to about their pain cuz they try not to mention it around friends and family, so I’m literally 100% of their support system, and they frequently need me because sometimes their pain makes them want to self harm.

My friend, you need to tell this individual’s parents what you have shared here so that they can seek the help of a physician and a counsellor.

This had become a very unhealthy relationship for yourself and your partner. It’s completely unfair for you to feel the burden of staying in a relationship for fear that your partner will self harm when it ends.

The best thing to do is tell the parents so that they can seek help for their child. 

3 hours ago, heydude said:

I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone so perfect for me again, but this amount of intensity in a relationship is not something I wanna have to deal with as a 14, 15, 16, year old. 

This kind of intensity is not something you wanna have to deal with as a 25, 30, or 45 year old. That kind of intensity is not normal and it’s not healthy. 

This is your first relationship I’m assuming, which leads you to believe that this love and this person are “perfect.” But, this is a high school relationship. It’s your first relationship, it won’t be your last. And, person and no relationship is perfect. When you end this relationship and start dating someone else, you will understand what I’m saying. At your age you should not even be thinking about marriage and you should not be burdened with the responsibility of another individual’s physical and mental health. It’s never easy to end a relationship, but that is what you need to do for yourself and for this other person. I would really encourage you to reinvest in school, sports, friends, etc… Have some fun, meet some new people. 

Good luck.

Edited February 3, 2023 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, heydude said:

I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone so perfect for me again

This is your age and inexperience speaking. 

You have your whole life in front of you. As you have no other relationship experience, you have nothing to compare this to, but this is not a relationship that was ever going to last a lifetime. You two have grown up and grown apart, as most high school couples (rightly) do. The sort of partnership you have is not healthy and neither are their parents' completely inappropriate expectations of you. 

It's time to break up and spread your wings. Love isn't meant to be this suffocating and all-consuming, especially when you are not even an adult yet.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, heydude said:

 I wanna have to deal with as a 14, 15, 16, year old and on. 

Please speak to a trusted adult. A parent, relative, teacher or guidance counselor. Discontinue talking to this person. As a minor, this person's parents are responsible for the necessary healthcare. Please don't get bullied into thinking you're responsible for this.

 

[JTSW]

Talk to your parents.

Tell them everything you said above and they can help you.

Don't go through this alone.

[Lotsgoingon]

First, your instincts and thinking is really good. 

No way should you be 100 percent of their support system. Ridiculous. And you're a junior in high school. Multiply the ridiculousness by 50.

Talk to your parents, as JT suggests. Trust me: parents have perspective and experience, even if you have differences from them.

BTW: you need to drop the word "perfect" from any part of your description of this relationship. There is no such thing as a relationship being perfect. That just keeps you in the fantasy world--like a little kid who thinks they need a pacifier every moment of the day. You can't be in the world of fantasy and deal with someone as out-of-control needy as your partner. I'll just be blunt: the feeling you have that breaking up with be the biggest mistake of your life--that's what is called an uninformed feeling. Feelings aren't always right. That feeling is not correct. Not breaking up with this person---now THAT would be a huge mistake. But look, ultimately you're going to break up. 

In the future, you do NOT want to date someone who has no friends and relies on you for all social support. So when you're getting to know someone, before you fall at hopelessly in love, you look around for whether they have friends and how they get along with their family and if their family seems healthy to you and do they value your independence and on and on ...

Get out of this. Talk to your parents. Talk to a therapist. You're going to need help because I can almost predict that your partner will try to guilt you into backing off of breaking up. They may even threaten depression and suicide--and you do NOT want to back down. You are not responsible for their wellbeing. 

Yes, you can cry about the good part of your relationship especially at the beginning. But you'll move on and you'll learn from this relationship. But the longer you put up with this unhealthy neediness, the more you will be wounding yourself .

[glows]

Try not to be so passive. It’s not working and best to go your separate ways. I heartily agree with the previous comments. 

Focus on what you want to do with your life and don’t get bogged down so early. 

[BaileyB]

Heydude, your empathy and commitment to this person are actually really wonderful things. You have been a good and loyal partner.

You are so young so you are obviously learning about relationships. Every relationship teaches us something - about ourselves, and about relationships that will help us as we move forward in life because you will have a series of important relationships throughout your life (some will be romantic, but not all). This relationship is going to teach you about healthy boundaries. Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries and the reason why this does not feel good to you right now is because your partner, and her parents, have not maintained healthy and appropriate boundaries. And because of that, the best thing for you to do is to re-establish a healthy boundary for yourself by distancing yourself from these people. 

 

[smackie9]

Oh my gosh this is way too much for someone your age to deal with. Her parents are incredibly unfair, and are being irresponsible saying those things to you. You shouldn't be taking on such a burden that is laden with so much guilt. I agree you need to talk to your parents. They will go and have a conversation with her parents, describing the situation and ending it for you. If I was your mother I would be very pissed at them for treating this will such carelessness. Go get help asap.