age gap

January 31, 2023

Hey guys, I just came here to get advice on my first relationship as I've never been in one. I'm currently a senior in high school and graduating in a couple months, I'm 18, and the guy that asked me out a few weeks ago is turning 30 in a month. We've known each other from the synagogue (reformed Judaism), and he's known me since I was 15. When I first met him, I viewed him like a cool older brother, as he helped assist me in mentoring the Sunday school classrooms. Over time tension began to build up between us since we spent so much time together on the weekends, and we got to know each other more. At first, I was extremelyy hesistant, because although I am considered attractive, I thought to myself, why the hell would someone his age go for a high schooler? However, I was reading some manosphere forums and to all of the guys (who were in their 30s, 40s, and even beyond), a hot 18 year old is their ultimate 'prize.' I didn't know so many men thought that way, as most older guys treat me like a kid after learning I'm still in HS. But after I read all of that, I thought to myself, all those signs he gave me, perhaps he really was interested in me, and he was, it culminated in a kiss a couple weeks and now we are officially dating.

I guess my question is, is this appropriate? this age gap will probably not be a problem in the future when we are like, 30 and 42, but everyone in my life advises me that he's too old for me. We have the same values: integrity, kindness, and practice the same religion which is really important to me. I also am of age, and I want to pursue this relationship, but I don't know what to do if everyone in my life is against it.

Edited January 31, 2023 by Livly23

January 31, 2023

Since both of you are of the same religion, and assuming your parents are ok with it, the age gap shouldn't be a problem. You seem to be a mature 18 year old.

He is probably looking to get married I assume. Would you be willing to get married at your age? Is marriage/large age gap viewed as acceptable in your culture/surroundings/synagogue?

January 31, 2023

3 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

Since both of you are of the same religion, and assuming your parents are ok with it, the age gap shouldn't be a problem. You seem to be a mature 18 year old.

He is probably looking to get married I assume. Would you be willing to get married at your age? Is marriage/large age gap viewed as acceptable in your culture/surroundings/synagogue?

Thank you! I don't think I'm looking to get married at this age, I just hope we can date to marry, though. We are planning to have sex pretty soon (went to an appointment, talked about birth control options), as it's going to be my first time. Well, my parents and friends think our age gap is too large, as well as other people input's which is why I wanted to get an unbiased answer on this site.

January 31, 2023

15 minutes ago, Livly23 said:

Thank you! I don't think I'm looking to get married at this age, I just hope we can date to marry, though. We are planning to have sex pretty soon (went to an appointment, talked about birth control options), as it's going to be my first time. Well, my parents and friends think our age gap is too large, as well as other people input's which is why I wanted to get an unbiased answer on this site.

so you're not going to let things just happen naturally, and consider having sex as the time comes? you're scheduling it out?

i'll tell you as a guy...you should be very careful as an 18 year old virgin to have sex with a 30 year old dude, because there's a very real chance that he could just be looking to score.

January 31, 2023

2 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

so you're not going to let things just happen naturally, and consider having sex as the time comes? you're scheduling it out?

i'll tell you as a guy...you should be very careful as an 18 year old virgin to have sex with a 30 year old dude, because there's a very real chance that he could just be looking to score.

We've talked about it for a couple weeks now, I'd rather be prepared than having something happen in the heat of the moment and then not have protection or anything. Not saying that we've planned the actual day it will happen or anything, but just in the next month or so. I know guys usually are impatient and want it immediately, but I've known this guy for a couple years and he told me he wants a relationship.

January 31, 2023

20 minutes ago, Livly23 said:

I know guys usually are impatient and want it immediately, but I've known this guy for a couple years and he told me he wants a relationship.

Don’t have sex with him because he’s impatient or because guys in general are impatient. The first time you have sex should be on your terms, especially in this situation where partner is a full grown man nearly double your age. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you having sex with him as long as it’s because you want it.

I am 53 and had relationships with much older men in my late teens and it wasn’t until I got to be their age and imagined being with a teenager that I realized how creepy that made those guys. I don’t wanna say this guy’s creepy, but ugh.

Also, a 12 year differential at my age feels like a lot. 41 year olds feel like babies to me now. Maybe fine for a romp, but I wouldn’t wanna have a relationship with one. At that age you’re still building up, I’m coming back down already, or at least planning my decent.

January 31, 2023

1 hour ago, Livly23 said:

, my parents and friends think our age gap is too large,

While there is a 12 year difference, you're going about it well being prepared for sex and being open with friends and family about things. Perhaps it will lead to long term, perhaps not. That's what dating is for.

Given the age differential, make sure you continue your education, professional pursuits, interests hobbies and friends. Don't attempt to catch up with him life stage wise. Be yourself.

February 1, 2023

the problem now is the age difference because…..

1. People Chang A LOT between 18 and 23 in figuring out what they want in life

2. he should know what he wants in life now. You should be planning on college and figuring out what you want in a career snd possibly enjoying life before you are tied doen with having family.

3. I understand vhurvh is a way to meet people. Nothing wrong with thst. But why is he targeting teenagers?

February 1, 2023

6 hours ago, Livly23 said:

However, I was reading some manosphere forums and to all of the guys (who were in their 30s, 40s, and even beyond), a hot 18 year old is their ultimate 'prize.' I didn't know so many men thought that way, as most older guys treat me like a kid after learning I'm still in HS.

As with many online groups, the "manosphere" (and feminism, and people who crochet and dog breeders and...and....) really isn't that huge, it just feels that way because everyone is all in once place. In your case, this is evidenced by all the other older men who see you as still young. Unless this guy you're dating shares a whole lot of their other manosphere ideals, I wouldn't expect that this is the case.

That said, when I 17, I had a thing with a 28yo. It was a fun fling, but even at that age, I knew that that's all it was ever going to be because of our different life stages. Also, I look back now as a mid-50's woman and am glad my daughter didn't follow in my tracks. It really was a bit ewwww

February 1, 2023

If I were your father I'd say hell no. If I were you I'd seriously reconsider.

There is nothing inherently wrong with the age gap; it has been going on forever. But I think you'd be giving up too much of your youth and the opportunity cost is enormous. He's probably going to want you popping out babies and keeping house. The world is yours for the taking right now, but not if you give it all up to him. I also suspect there will be a parent/child dynamic if there isn't already.

I think you should heed the warnings and let this go for now. Date several people and get to know a bit about relationships. Go to college and prepare for a profession. In 5-6 years you'll probably be thinking quite differently. These next several years are huge developmental years, and they will set you on a course for life. Be wise, and make choices with the bigger picture in mind.

February 1, 2023

6 minutes ago, salparadise said:

He's probably going to want you popping out babies and keeping house.

Yep.

@Livly23 This one of the things which stopped me from seeing the 28yo. He was ready for a family and I certainly wasn't

February 1, 2023

7 hours ago, Livly23 said:

We've known each other from the synagogue (reformed Judaism), and he's known me since I was 15. When I first met him, I viewed him like a cool older brother, as he helped assist me in mentoring the Sunday school classrooms. Over time tension began to build up between us since we spent so much time together on the weekends, and we got to know each other more.

So, let me get this straight. This 27 year-old-guy, who was sort of like a mentor and an older brother figure, has been "building the tension " with a 15 year-old girl. In other words, this 27-years-old guy has been grooming a teenager for three years. And how, when she is finally legal, he is dating her. Am I missing something here?

7 hours ago, Livly23 said:

why the hell would someone his age go for a high schooler?

Good question. Something is definitely not right here. Why would a a guy in his late 20th be hanging around a 15 year-old. Can't imagine you and this guy had much in common. Doesn't he have friends and dating prospects who are around his own age? Why is he not dating and marrying a woman around his own age? Is there something wrong with him that women his own age see right through him?

8 hours ago, Livly23 said:

as most older guys treat me like a kid after learning I'm still in HS

And as they should. This is perfectly normal.

8 hours ago, Livly23 said:

I guess my question is, is this appropriate?

Appropriate is such a relative term. In your particular case, I would say, No, not really. He sounds predatory. This guy spent three years waiting for you to grow up in order to start dating you.

February 1, 2023

it reminds me of the crossfitter Rebecca Fuselier and how at 22 she married her 40 something year old coach who had been coaching her since age 12. A lot of varying opinions on whether that relationship was wholesome vs predatory and grooming. I think that is something for OP to be aware of, think about and decide.

February 1, 2023

I'd recommend against it.

Several problems. One, you sound mature, as someone else said. But you do NOT want to try to ACT mature. In other words, you could easily be hanging out with him and age is right there in front of you, in between you and him. And you'll be tempted to be overly serious. This is not just conscious--it will happen unconsciously.

And then there is the power differential. A lot of young women just do NOT have that rock-hard backbone of confidence to say no to older really assertive guys. And it's terrible to trust a guy assuming he knows what he's doing.

Basically you want to be able to be silly ... If you go out with him, your job is to talk about high school, young person stuff up the wazoo without end without defensiveness, without apology. I don't see an upside for you.

February 1, 2023

Honestly, the age gap is a little concerning.

You are an inexperienced teen whereas he is not.

He is a fully grown man, and you should be with guys in your age circle.

I wouldn't be happy if it was my daughter.

February 1, 2023

18 hours ago, Livly23 said:

. I also am of age, and I want to pursue this relationship, but I don't know what to do if everyone in my life is against it.

Yes you're 18 so legally an adult. However don't miss out on things like prom, graduation, college life, etc. Your parents know about it and may be hoping it's a phase and you'll come to your own conclusions that this may not be viable in the long run.

Unfortunately, you're reading misogynist material which is a poor resource for dating information. Perhaps you could talk to a trusted adult, such as an elder in your congregation about how you feel.

February 1, 2023

10 hours ago, Alvi said:

So, let me get this straight. This 27 year-old-guy, who was sort of like a mentor and an older brother figure, has been "building the tension " with a 15 year-old girl. In other words, this 27-years-old guy has been grooming a teenager for three years. And how, when she is finally legal, he is dating her. Am I missing something here?

Just that he's turning 30, not 27.

February 1, 2023

18 hours ago, Livly23 said:

At first, I was extremelyy hesistant, because although I am considered attractive, I thought to myself, why the hell would someone his age go for a high schooler?

This line of thinking is not typical for a teenage girl.

What I mean is, I find it very odd that an attractive teenage girl needs internet manosphere forums to inform her that she's a hot commodity in the eyes of many adult men. I find that bizarre. I don't think that sounds mature; rather, it seems naive.

Quote

I'm currently a senior in high school and graduating in a couple months

high school graduations are generally not in early April--are you perhaps home schooled?

Edited February 1, 2023 by IrinaM
add thought

February 1, 2023

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

As with many online groups, the "manosphere" (and feminism, and people who crochet and dog breeders and...and....) really isn't that huge, it just feels that way because everyone is all in once place. In your case, this is evidenced by all the other older men who see you as still young. Unless this guy you're dating shares a whole lot of their other manosphere ideals, I wouldn't expect that this is the case.

Yeah, I stumbled across this men's website that was "redpill," the guys there were talking about how women are childlike, inferior, etc. At first when I started reading I was outraged but I just kept coming back to read that content and I feel like spending so much time on that site, their beliefs were drilled in my head. For instance they said things like women will hit "the wall" at the age of 25 so I need to find a husband before that age, they said they told the harsh truths about interpersonal relationships, I found another woman on that site that recommended this site because it has a more balanced perspective about gender.

I talked to my boyfriend about this and he said its good that I'm learning early not to let feminism corrupt me, I think he's more traditional but I don't know if he knows about this redpill stuff. Maybe I can ask him.

February 1, 2023

28 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

This line of thinking is not typical for a teenage girl.

What I mean is, I find it very odd that an attractive teenage girl needs internet manosphere forums to inform her that she's a hot commodity in the eyes of many adult men. I find that bizarre. I don't think that sounds mature; rather, it seems naive.

high school graduations are generally not in early April--are you perhaps home schooled?

Yeah, I'm aware. I've always deviated from my peers in that manner, I've always had different interests and I literally stumbled across the manosphere at the age of 16 during covid. also I don't know why but I want the approval of those guys so badly, especially since they don't know what I look like now, I only had photos from 2020 on my phone and I looked really frail but I uploaded them anyways and some of them were mean to me and called me skinny and curveless based on the photos I uploaded, I asked them to rate me out of 10, and that just made me get obsessed with that site because I just wanted to prove to them that I actually have curves now, they were name calling me in threads. Well I reached out to them and they apologized so I got closure but everyone on that site still hates me. However a 43 yr old man reached out to me on that site and he wanted me to send photos of myself so I sent live photos through Insta but he would make me uncomfortable saying he jacked off to my photos and I'm a 10/10 now, he's still harrassing me through email, I just wish I never found that site, it seriously has corrupted my mental health.

I graduate in late May. I'm not homeschooled but I dropped out of a really rigorous high school program (IB) so I had time to kill to surf those sites. I'm still on track for graduation.

Edited February 1, 2023 by Livly23

February 1, 2023

14 minutes ago, Livly23 said:

I stumbled across this men's website that was "redpill," the guys there were talking about how women are childlike, inferior, etc.

What the hell kind of women bashing site is this???

Men demeaning women? Hell no!

Stay off this site because its grooming women into believing that men are more superior to women when they are not.

Of course your 'BF' is happy about this because he doesn't have to be the one to train you to obey.

February 1, 2023

Age gaps in relationships are a personal matter and what may be appropriate for one couple may not be for another. If you both share similar values and a strong connection, then age may not be a significant factor in your relationship.

36 minutes ago, Livly23 said:

Yeah, I stumbled across this men's website that was "redpill," the guys there were talking about how women are childlike, inferior, etc.

What exactly led you to it? It's quite a specific genre to stumble upon. Do you agree?

The relationship you describe raises some red flags. A 12-year age difference between an 18-year-old and a 30-year-old is significant.

The notion that the older man views the relationship as a "prize" is concerning and not a healthy or respectful attitude. It is also concerning that you have described your initial reaction as skepticism due to the significant age gap, and then changed your perspective based on what you read in forums with questionable intentions and motivations. It would be helpful for you to take into account the opinions of those closest to you, who may be thinking of your best interests rather than others who may not, and who may be able to recognize potential challenges that you may not have noticed.

Edited February 1, 2023 by Alpacalia

February 1, 2023

Quote

I asked them to rate me out of 10

that's sad:( Again, I don't think you sound like a teenage girl who is mature beyond her years. You sound like you spend a lot of time online on forums. This is atypical for teenagers who are still in high school.

Quote

I graduate in late May.

That makes more sense, since every high school I know of is holding ceremonies May 24-27.

Has this older man introduced you to his friends or family? If a grown man works in a professional environment, it's highly likely that his coworkers will make fun of him if he brings a teenager to company get-togethers, and this could really impact his professional future.

February 1, 2023

7 minutes ago, Livly23 said:

, I just wish I never found that site.

Hopefully you understand that manoshere, red pill, etc is considered a hate group by the Anti Defamation League. Please delete and block those sites and anyone associated with them. If your BF is in line with this thinking, please discuss this with an official in your congregation. No devout religious person would embrace hate group rhetoric classified as a hate group by the ADL.

February 1, 2023

9 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

that's sad:( Again, I don't think you sound like a teenage girl who is mature beyond her years. You sound like you spend a lot of time online on forums. This is atypical for teenagers who are still in high school.

That makes more sense, since every high school I know of is holding ceremonies May 24-27.

Has this older man introduced you to his friends or family? If a grown man works in a professional environment, it's highly likely that his coworkers will make fun of him if he brings a teenager to company get-togethers, and this could really impact his professional future.

I'm aware, I know of no other teenage girl who spends her time on forums and asking older guys to rate her, I don't even know why I was doing that to myself. Alot of the guys there are "boob" guys and the photos I uploaded were when I was like 15 and super tiny but I thought guys liked skinny girls which is why I picked the thinnest photos I could find.

And anyways, the older man hasn't really introduced me to his family, he's kind of kept that hidden and I just accepted that, I didn't really think about things like that yet. He has met my parents and they disapprove but I told them of the manosphere and my family said that was BS but I don't even know anymore. The guys on the manosphere said don't ever ask older women for advice because they're just gonna sabotage you and they called older women "post wall" and it just gave me severe anxiety because a guy on that site direct messaged me and said "you're at your prime right now, it'll all go downhill from here honey," but he saw my recent photos and called me kinda hot.

Edited February 1, 2023 by Livly23

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