Should I Reach Out?

January 31, 2023

I’m posting this just to get some thoughts about a situation I’m going through. I’m sorry about this being long. Please be kind if you respond.

I met her online, after she reached out to me. We exchanged numbers on the same day and moved from the website to Whatsapp. She’s a single mum who lives in the next town. After a couple of weeks, we broached the subject of dating and she said we should be friends to start. I was a bit disappointed but thought it was fair.

But over the next six months, things seemed gradually move from friends to something more. We talked about our personal lives including family and relationship histories. Our personalities were showing too and they were very compatible. She was contacting me everyday and began sending me lots of selfies and videos including at work. There were later some more risqué ones including a video of her in her undies working out at home and also some almost completely nude ones. At one stage she asked that if I had time this year, if I would like to see her for a holiday. It really escalated in November when she sent me a message saying “it’s been awhile, I can’t wait until we are together” with a face emoji with hearts. Her language changed, using “husband” and “wife” more when talking about us, calling me babe, using xx, calling me cute. She would always say we have a great connection. She's also very sexual but only with someone she trusts (she didn't like all the sexual attention on the dating site.) There was a lot of talk about what it would be like together, what we would do, what our life would be like. She also talked more about her child and sent me pictures of her. I had protected myself from getting hurt, wanting to be sure before getting involved. From that point, I was in.

On New Years day, she said she wanted us to get together but she wanted to deal with a couple of things first, in particular her ex and it could take time. Before Christmas I brought up visiting her this year and she was willing. On New Years Day, we set it for July which could determine if we could start getting together and me possibly moving, which we talked about. We continued being romantic with each other, chatting each day until midway through January when problems arose suddenly.

We chatted on Wednesday 18 until she went to bed. I messaged hi on Thursday, but got no response. I left it and said hi again on Friday and it was the same. I gave her a week of space and reached out again in the morning a week later. She read the message but didn’t reply. She hasn’t blocked me on Whatsapp or unfollowed me on Instagram. So she’s there but not.

She had a very rough December and January, with her overbearing mum visiting and keeping her busy, lots of work, looking after her child, and her ex causing new problems for her after they had split a year ago. She’s also started a new job. She has been extremely busy and I’ve asked her about it. She has been online on Whatsapp and Instagram though.

I do understand what’s going on in her life, but for her to suddenly stop talking is unlike her. I don’t know why but I have a feeling about the kinds of answers I’m going to get, that I shouldn’t message her, leave her be and basically say it’s over. I know the reasons will be that I didn’t know her, despite talking everyday about personal things. But I’m on the fence. 6-7 months is long for me building up from friendship to intimacy, it’s been very real because of the conversations. We haven’t had any arguments or conflicts, so communication stopped very suddenly.

I still feel there’s hope, but I do want to know what’s happened. I know something is going on, but I don’t know what. I want to send her a message but I don’t know what to say and I also don’t want to call her out because I don’t want things going south, a possibility that has driven my anxiety. It could be something, it could be nothing. I feel it can be rectified, but I will leave her be if its what she wants. I think things are still possible between us because she's still around. Should I at least try giving her a call or leave a voice message and ask what’s happening and if things are okay?

January 31, 2023

You never actually met this person? If that's the case, I'm sorry, but there's a good chance you've been catfished. You said she lives in the next town, yet all of this interaction carried on without ever meeting ... not genuine.

January 31, 2023

She's not fictional. She's not just a picture. She's real and I'm not just saying that because I want to believe it. Her pictures across her facebook, instagram, tiktok and on a legitimate clothing business that she models clothing for, along with the pics and videos she sent me on whatsapp are her. The pictures of her child she had with her ex are real. I know who her ex is and found him based on screenshot conversations with him she shared with me. The pictures of her child on his instagram match the ones on her instagram. It's genuine. I know you probably don't believe that, but I know that to be true.

January 31, 2023

Have you sent her money?

January 31, 2023

No. She has her own money after working as many as four jobs.

January 31, 2023

I always work on the theory that if it doesn't make sense, then it's probably not true. And it makes zero sense that an interested woman in the next town would leave you hanging from mid 2022 when you found each other, to not wanting to meet you till mid year 2023. It's ludicrous!

Sorry, the whole thing is fishy. And with no rational explanation for her behaviour, the only advice I can give is to walk away. And don't ever put you on hold again.

Edited January 31, 2023 by basil67

January 31, 2023

Well its not ludicrous really. Not everyone can drop what they’re doing immediately for a relationship or even to date. She has four jobs, a kid, a problematic ex that over Christmas, resulted in cops getting involved after an altercation between them. She has been wrangling with him and it got worse around the 6 months we met. It’s likely she’s still dealing with him now. I’ve have seen the screenshots of the conversation they had on the week she stopped talking. Also we met at the end of July. A month after that I got a new job. I can’t just up and go, especially if I want paid leave. Working three months got me 1 week of paid leave out of 2 over Christmas, which means I need 6 months for 2 weeks. Everyone’s circumstances are different. She wasn’t really leaving me hanging like she was completely free. We both weren’t free to just up and go especially when the next town isn’t 20 minute drive. All of this needed planning. Also she suggested friends at the start, neither of us had plans to visit each other. Maybe if she was in my town, wasn’t working 4 jobs, studying for a new career (which it is likely she started the job now), family commitments and an ex, and I didn’t get a new job, then yes. But that’s not the case here.

January 31, 2023

26 minutes ago, Mr Nice Guy said:

Well its not ludicrous really. Not everyone can drop what they’re doing immediately for a relationship or even to date. She has four jobs, a kid, a problematic ex that over Christmas, resulted in cops getting involved after an altercation between them. She has been wrangling with him and it got worse around the 6 months we met. It’s likely she’s still dealing with him now. I’ve have seen the screenshots of the conversation they had on the week she stopped talking. Also we met at the end of July. A month after that I got a new job. I can’t just up and go, especially if I want paid leave. Working three months got me 1 week of paid leave out of 2 over Christmas, which means I need 6 months for 2 weeks. Everyone’s circumstances are different. She wasn’t really leaving me hanging like she was completely free. We both weren’t free to just up and go especially when the next town isn’t 20 minute drive. All of this needed planning. Also she suggested friends at the start, neither of us had plans to visit each other. Maybe if she was in my town, wasn’t working 4 jobs, studying for a new career (which it is likely she started the job now), family commitments and an ex, and I didn’t get a new job, then yes. But that’s not the case here.

Just how far is the next town? More than 5 hours drive?

January 31, 2023

Yes but not too much more.

January 31, 2023

I getcha. I do that length trip only when I go away for a whole weekend and I wouldn't date a guy who lived that far away. Perhaps the whole thing was unsustainable due to distance?

Edited January 31, 2023 by basil67

January 31, 2023

Possibly, which is part of the reason why taking it slowly would be appealing. If I could go there first for a visit and see if things went even better, then what to do next would be the next step if we wanted to go further. It's frustrating that she suddenly stopped talking, but given that she hasn't blocked me anywhere had given me some hope that she's dealing with things and getting some stability with a new job and making it possible for a relationship. It doesn't mean I'm not cautious, though I wanted to see if there was a reason for not talking after 6-7 months.

January 31, 2023

54 minutes ago, Mr Nice Guy said:

Well its not ludicrous really. Not everyone can drop what they’re doing immediately for a relationship or even to date. She has four jobs, a kid, a problematic ex that over Christmas, resulted in cops getting involved after an altercation between them. She has been wrangling with him and it got worse around the 6 months we met. It’s likely she’s still dealing with him now. I’ve have seen the screenshots of the conversation they had on the week she stopped talking. Also we met at the end of July. A month after that I got a new job. I can’t just up and go, especially if I want paid leave. Working three months got me 1 week of paid leave out of 2 over Christmas, which means I need 6 months for 2 weeks. Everyone’s circumstances are different. She wasn’t really leaving me hanging like she was completely free. We both weren’t free to just up and go especially when the next town isn’t 20 minute drive. All of this needed planning. Also she suggested friends at the start, neither of us had plans to visit each other. Maybe if she was in my town, wasn’t working 4 jobs, studying for a new career (which it is likely she started the job now), family commitments and an ex, and I didn’t get a new job, then yes. But that’s not the case here.

i don’t buy any of it.

if she isn’t far from you thrn you should have met by now. This person is stringing you along snd likely not real or the story they are telling you isn’t real.

January 31, 2023

She is real. The story is real. How do I know? I unintentionally got involved in that altercation that happened over Christmas.

January 31, 2023

I think it's weird that if she is willing to meet you that she sets the meeting for 7 months in the future...July...I mean...JULY....J.U.L.Y!!!! Um something is way off.

As you seem to be giving her the benefit of the doubt and then some, what I would say is that for WHATEVER reason she is not eager to have you as a real boyfriend doing life together. Don't get caught up in defending the particulars because the bottom line is she is putting you at a distance, figuratively and literally.

ps. I'm running with your story and belief in being super busy and oh a model...they always seem to have a legit job as a "model" when cat fishing, semi-catfishing or stringing a guy along. I'm not saying the photos aren't real but do they actually correspond to the person you are talking to? Who knows! Lots of people, I mean lots of people, make up stories to make themselves sound way better than they are online.

January 31, 2023

Well, as I said, I can't accumulate 2 weeks of paid leave quickly. 3 months in a new job got me 1 week over Christmas, so that week of pay was halved over 2 weeks. We wanted to spend 2 weeks together. That equals 6 months to accumulate leave. If I can justify getting paid less without taking a major hit to my earnings, bills and savings, then yes, I would bring it forward.

As for her jobs, she worked at a gym, childcare centre, tourism boat operator and content creator. She was studying to be real estate agent when we met. She said she was starting her job at the end of January, most likely now. She's also a mum.

As above, yes the photos do correspond to who I'm talking to.

January 31, 2023

7 minutes ago, S2B said:

My bet is she is still very much married. Husband likely has a trip planned in July.

either way - she is a time waster. If you can’t meet someone within a week then don’t let them waste your time/energy.

My knowledge is that she is not married.

January 31, 2023

There are red flags all over this, OP.

Please don't make too many excuses for her. You've already started doing so, but you need to stop. She isn't a plane-ride away. 5-6 hours' drive should not mean it takes a whole year to meet. Something is up. I also think it's incredibly foolish of her to be sending videos of herself and photos of her kid to a man she has never met in person. You might be lovely, but the point is that this shows a real lack of judgement on her part.

3 hours ago, Mr Nice Guy said:

Her language changed, using “husband” and “wife” more when talking about us

And this is plain silly. She doesn't know you, has never been on a date with you. She sounds like a teen playing make-believe in her own head.

1 hour ago, Mr Nice Guy said:

Not everyone can drop what they’re doing immediately for a relationship or even to date.

This is one of those excuses I was talking about above. Mr Nice Guy, you know very well there is a wide margin between dropping everything immediately and not meeting someone for an entire year after you start communicating. Come on, now.

I'm sorry, OP. You are absolutely wasting your time on this person. There are too many things that don't add up, and my guess is that she has either met someone else or gone back to her ex. Never, ever put yourself on hold for someone you can't meet promptly. Delete and block her. It's clear by now that this is going nowhere.

January 31, 2023

Well, anyway ... she might as well be catfishing, since she kept you completely engaged for many months and now has evidently ghosted. I'm sorry because I'm sure you're feeling bad, but please - don't do this again. If a person is too busy to meet you, they are too busy FOR YOU. There are plenty of people who like having "chat buddies" for ego boosts, companionship with no actual obligations, and an escape from reality. It doesn't translate into sharing everyday life.

January 31, 2023

Send her a message saying that after everything, you think it's unfair that she has been suddenly completely ignoring you.

Tell her to just be an adult and tell you straight if she is no longer interested and stop wasting your time.

January 31, 2023

7 hours ago, Mr Nice Guy said:

The story is real. How do I know? I unintentionally got involved in that altercation that happened over Christmas.

Have you met in person? How did you get involved in the domestic violence episode with her husband?

January 31, 2023

10 hours ago, Mr Nice Guy said:

On New Years Day, we set it for July which could determine if we could start getting together

I’m sorry but this is just fishy. Who sets up dates half a year in advance? If she’s so busy then she would postpone dating altogether until the issues are solved.

She’s either just bored and has no actual intention to meet you or it’s some kind of scam.

January 31, 2023

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? How did you get involved in the domestic violence episode with her husband?

For the record, he is not her husband. They are not married. They share a child together but they have been broken up for a year.

At work, we all received a Christmas gift from the head of the department which included a bottle of champagne, chocolates and a gift card. I wasn't at her place because we hadn't met and I hadn't drunken the champagne on Christmas, so on Boxing Day December 26, I took a picture of the champagne and sent it to her with the message "let's pop the champagne" while we were chatting because it was still the Christmas break. At hers her ex was there because of the child. While we were chatting, there was a gap of about 15 minutes after I sent the champagne message her reply. I asked her how things were going over there and she replied "not good". She then proceeded to tell me that her ex snatched her phone away from her and refused to give it back. While he had her phone, I happened to message her about the champagne. He lost it and accused her of cheating even though they're not together. A big fight occured, her mum took the child out of the room, the police were called and he was escorted off the property. She told me she took out a protection and parenting order against him because it was the last straw after how he was treating her, with controlling and cruel behaviour towards her and the child. She had told me about it previously. She also added that it was not my fault.

January 31, 2023

When it actually comes down to it, you don't know if any of that is true.

You've never met so you can only go by what she says and shows you.

Start doing some homework.

Reverse image search her pics and those of her kid.

Do the same with the ex if there is a pic of him anywhere.

January 31, 2023

Do you know her real name? Like mentioned above, do a google search on her. Women don't like long distance relationships. They want physical affection. They can't get that through a phone. A five hour drive is not that bad if you really want to meet. If she is as physically attractive as you say, she would have many options IRL. With all these jobs she supposedly has, she is meeting a lot of men out there. Please think objectively. Her story just doesn't make sense. Don't you think her story is fishy? She is now ghosting you because she wants to cut you off before you find out she'd been lying to you all this time. She probably found someone else to string along.

January 31, 2023

More than likely something happened with her ex, they are wanting to reconcile and try again. Maybe they were separated and going through a rough time but not actually divorced. That or she has moved on to someone else. Sorry that you wasted so much time and energy on her.

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