ShyViolet Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 If you ignored red flags and stayed involved with a dysfunctional person, then don't complain when it hurts you. These are your choices, not something that is just "happening" to you. 2
BrinnM Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said: This area is full to the brim with low quality guys This sucks. I’m guessing small town far away from the city. How far is your next bigger city?
MsJayne Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 Can I ask what sort of relationship you have/had with your father? Was he a kind, loving father or a cold and distant, or even abusive, father?
mortensorchid Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 I used to think the same as you, I used to think there were nothing but idiots and crazy people out there and I was done because I was too old or they would rather have some trashy girl instead of me. It's so easy to fall into the pit of depression and feelings of hopelessness. What can you do? Be happy with yourself. Find other things to do with yourself other than sit around and doing nothing. Get into your career / job more. Find interests and hobbies that will make you happy. I like theater, being on committees and boards, arranging events, stage managing, martial arts and writing. It takes the focus off of you and makes you see the other sides of things. Plus it will get you out and have you meet others and open up new avenues to you. I stopped lamenting things a long time ago - I never whined to others about being single or lacking this or that in life. I just keep moving forward and don't complain. Also because others have lashed out at me in the past, I don't gush about anyone even when I am in the crush stages of a relationship. It's just best to keep it on the down low. 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 (edited) 21 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: It's not just a feeling, it's a fact. I don't have a friendship circle or people I socialize with on a regular basis, and I certainly am not meeting people who would be relationship material and have their stuff together, or would be a good match. It's damn near impossible to do that in your 30's. As a result, I mostly get on hookup apps and have casual sex and leave it at that. It's ok to take a break from dating if you feel burned out. Be careful not to (as the saying goes) cut your nose off to spite your face. Meaning if random hookups is not really what you want, don't do it out of frustration. When you feel better, get on some quality (including at least one paid app). This way you can search in nearby areas and possibly find a better match. At least paid apps require a credit card, so you may run into less jobless bums when you look in different places. Edited January 31, 2023 by Wiseman2
Author chickendinner12 Posted February 1, 2023 Author Posted February 1, 2023 5 hours ago, BrinnM said: This sucks. I’m guessing small town far away from the city. It's a medium sized midwestern city. Not great selection. Quote How far is your next bigger city? About 100 or 200 miles I guess.
Author chickendinner12 Posted February 1, 2023 Author Posted February 1, 2023 4 hours ago, MsJayne said: Can I ask what sort of relationship you have/had with your father? Was he a kind, loving father or a cold and distant, or even abusive, father? Cold, distant, abusive, and unpredictable. 1
bene Posted February 1, 2023 Posted February 1, 2023 On 1/31/2023 at 3:08 AM, chickendinner12 said: Somebody I follow on social media just posted about how they're dating "the cutest guy in the world" and how happy they are. Life is not a zero sum game and someone else doesn’t take anything away from you by being happy. These others have nothing to do with you and your path in life. If you’re already feeling down stay away from social media. 2
ZA Dater Posted February 1, 2023 Posted February 1, 2023 On 1/31/2023 at 3:08 AM, chickendinner12 said: Somebody I follow on social media just posted about how they're dating "the cutest guy in the world" and how happy they are. I thought "Hm. Must be nice not to have been screwed over by the universe and had a boyfriend who was an abusive alcoholic like I did!" I've never known what it was like to not be in a dysfunctional relationship. I haven't had good experiences with relationships, no way I would ever do another one after what happened between me and my ex. I did absolutely everything to make him happy and it still wasn't enough. I did everything to make sure his needs were met and the result was that I still ended up tortured and then finally single and alone. Relationships just aren't worth it because nobody is able to give more than they take. At least nobody I've met. That's why I'm done. I am sorry you feel this way and I think you have justification to feel thus. Reading some of your other posts yes I will agree its quite difficult in 30's to meet people, more difficult still with no social circle and you are faced with a choice and I am not one to sugar coat, either accept what is or figure out a way to change what is. Neither is a wrong choice. There problems with both and both involve "how" or variations of that. If you an go on hook up apps and get that right that suggests you are attractive which is a start and positive. There are people who cannot even get that right. This situation its easy to be looking from the outside in, damage from the past is just that damage, how you mitigate that is important but from my experience the first thing you need to do is realize that not all people are the same but having said that you need to note certain tells which could suggest a road best not walked. Yes I find it highly irritating to see people go about this perfect so and so and then to see these perfect lives but you need to divorce yourself from that and focus on what you can you actually fix. If I were you, use the attraction you have to develop something more than a casual hook up, again most would not agree with me. What you CANNOT do is let bitterness occupy ever facet of your life, again in my experience its highly destructive and you accomplish nothing and to some extent others can see this. Try find some internal peace and then look at things with no emotion and more than that, look at possibility. We all have possibilities, the problem is often we do not like them. 2
BaileyB Posted February 1, 2023 Posted February 1, 2023 18 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: It's a medium sized midwestern city. Not great selection. And yet, others who live in the same city have partnered up. So, all is not entirely lost. 2
MsJayne Posted February 1, 2023 Posted February 1, 2023 18 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: Cold, distant, abusive, and unpredictable. So is it possible that you reproduce that relationship with other significant males in your life? When our early experience of the opposite sex has been the bad behaviour of a parent figure we tend to be too tolerant of similar bad behaviour from the opposite sex in general because we've been groomed to put up with it. There's also the possibility that, by choosing to stay with abusive partners, you're unconsciously trying to change the script of your childhood, you want to stick around until that abusive man realises that you're worthy of his love. You may actually be seeking out abusive men without even being aware that you're actually choosing them for a reason. 1
mario_C Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 Regarding the anger towards the friend who posted on social media about their great relationship: Toxic positivity is a thing. You can try to maintain that relationship if you care about them, but you can also mute / hide when they want to broadcast about their great life if it gets you down. Your happiness matters - defend it! If you know them in real life and they do things like that that make you feel down...I would distract them by talking about how you're feeling about your current situation. If they're real friends, they'll engage and you can work something out. If not...they'll leave, no harm and no foul. Good luck to you.
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