Bitter as hell.

[chickendinner12]

Somebody I follow on social media just posted about how they're dating "the cutest guy in the world" and how happy they are.

I thought "Hm. Must be nice not to have been screwed over by the universe and had a boyfriend who was an abusive alcoholic like I did!" I've never known what it was like to not be in a dysfunctional relationship. 

I haven't had good experiences with relationships, no way I would ever do another one after what happened between me and my ex. I did absolutely everything to make him happy and it still wasn't enough. I did everything to make sure his needs were met and the result was that I still ended up tortured and then finally single and alone. Relationships just aren't worth it because nobody is able to give more than they take. At least nobody I've met. That's why I'm done. 

Edited January 31, 2023 by chickendinner12

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're feeling down. 

I'd suggest you need look at this differently:   From your last thread, this guy wasn't a boyfriend - he was a casual hookup for five years who came in and out of your life.  With his substance abuse issues.   This wasn't a relationship by any stretch of the imagination.  

At this point, you need to ask yourself what YOU could have done differently?  What did you learn from this?   How can you make sure that you don't waste another five years on someone who was a bad choice?

Are you doing therapy to help unpack and understand the choices you make?

Edited January 31, 2023 by basil67

[chickendinner12]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry you're feeling down. 

I'd suggest you need look at this differently:   From your last thread, this guy wasn't a boyfriend - he was a casual hookup for five years who came in and out of your life.  With his substance abuse issues.   This wasn't a relationship by any stretch of the imagination.  

At this point, you need to ask yourself what YOU could have done differently?  What did you learn from this?   How can you make sure that you don't waste another five years on someone who was a bad choice?

Are you doing therapy to help unpack and understand the choices you make?

I ignored the red flags because he was attractive, he was very charismatic when he was himself, and he was also the only person who showed any interest in me (when he wasn't drinking) and I am otherwise very isolated. 

[basil67]

What's going on which makes you end up feeling isolated?

 

[chickendinner12]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What's going on which makes you end up feeling isolated?

 

It's not just a feeling, it's a fact. I don't have a friendship circle or people I socialize with on a regular basis, and I certainly am not meeting people who would be relationship material and have their stuff together, or would be a good match. It's damn near impossible to do that in your 30's. As a result, I mostly get on hookup apps and have casual sex and leave it at that. 

Edited January 31, 2023 by chickendinner12

[NuevoYorko]

I told you in your last thread that I've made many lifelong friends between the age of 40 and the ensuing 20 years. Also found my life partner (after being divorced) You can too.  

You will need to do things much differently from how you've been doing them in order to get different outcomes.   You sound depressed.  Are you?  If so, please seek some help for that.  It's almost impossible to begin on a journey of change - which is what you will need to begin - when depressed.  It can be paralyzing.

 

Edited January 31, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

Must be nice not to have been screwed over by the universe and had a boyfriend who was an abusive alcoholic like I did!" I've never known what it was like to not be in a dysfunctional relationship. 

To be fair to the Universe, and I don't mean to sound harsh or insensitive, but not sure what you expect when YOU makes the types of choices you make. For example:

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

I ignored the red flags because he was attractive, he was very charismatic....

Choosing to stay after seeing red flags was a choice YOU made, not the Universe's fault.

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

I did everything to make sure his needs were met and the result was that I still ended up tortured.

Again, you choosing to stay after being "tortured" was a choice YOU made, not the Universe's fault.

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

I mostly get on hookup apps and have casual sex and leave it at that. 

This may be the worst choice you made!  Again, not the Universe's fault.

Do you understand where I'm going with this?  

If you truly desire a different type of man and relationship, one that is deeper, kinder, caring, loving versus men who abuse you, torture you and meaningless hookups, YOU need to start making different choices in the type of men/relationships you choose for yourself and what such men/relationships have to offer that brings positive energy to your life versus what they bring now - negativity, frustration, pain and unhappiness.

YOU have agency in this, are in full control, NOT the Universe nor anyone/anything else.

YOU are responsible for what happens to you in your life, this may be one of the most important lessons one will every learn!  I certainly did!

At this point, I would suggest you seek the help of a professional counselor to help you sort through all this.

Your 30s is NOT too late.  I had tons of options in my 30s, until I married my husband last year while still in my 30s!

It's not about your age, it's about your low self-esteem and your damaged internal state from years of making extremely poor choices for yourself. 

It's become a vicious cycle and I would highly encourage you to get counseling to again, help you sort through. 

All the best.

Edited January 31, 2023 by poppyfields

[chickendinner12]

30 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 

If you truly desire a different type of man and relationship, one that is deeper, kinder, caring, loving versus men who abuse you, torture you and meaningless hookups, YOU need to start making different choices in the type of men/relationships you choose for yourself and what such men/relationships have to offer that brings positive energy to your life versus what they bring now - negativity, frustration, pain and unhappiness.

 

Where are all these perfect men you speak of? Sounds like a fantasy to me, but if they actually exist I'd like to know where you think the supply is at. I'm not some kid, I've been here for 36 years and never seen these quality guys. 

Edited January 31, 2023 by chickendinner12

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, chickendinner12 said:

Where are all these perfect men you speak of? Sounds like a fantasy to me, but if they actually exist I'd like to know where you think the supply is at. I'm not some kid, I've been here for for 36 years and never seen these quality guys. 

Once YOU change your internal state, from negative and defeated to happy, positive, hopeful, the good men will show up. 

Water attracts its own level.  Like attracts like.

As I said, at this point, it's become a very unhealthy negative vicious cycle.

Seek help. 

Good luck. 

Edited January 31, 2023 by poppyfields

[chickendinner12]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Once YOU change your internal state, from negative and defeated to happy, positive, hopeful, the good men will show up. 

 

You can't just decide to be happy, it doesn't work like that. you have to have something to be happy about. 

[poppyfields]

Just now, chickendinner12 said:

You can't just decide to be happy, it doesn't work like that. you have to have something to be happy about. 

That's absolutely not true but nevermind.

All the best. 

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

You can't just decide to be happy, it doesn't work like that. you have to have something to be happy about. 

Happiness comes from counting our blessings.  Negativity comes from counting the negatives.  And yes, you can be somewhere in the middle.  You don't need to be Pollyanna all the time, but neither should you settle for being miserable.  

I know nothing about you, but I already know that you're literate and have access to the internet.  This is more than many around the world.  Are you comparatively healthy?   Do you have a job?  Do you have secure housing?  Do you have a pet?

 

Edited January 31, 2023 by basil67

[chickendinner12]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Happiness comes from counting our blessings.  Negativity comes from counting the negatives.  And yes, you can be somewhere in the middle.  You don't need to be Pollyanna all the time, but neither should you settle for being miserable.  

I know nothing about you, but I already know that you're literate and have access to the internet.  This is more than many around the world.  Are you comparatively healthy?   Do you have a job?  Do you have secure housing?  Do you have a pet?

I have all those things, but what bothers me are all these men like my ex who have used me and abused my kindness. That has left me deeply unhappy. 

[basil67]

So there are things in your life which do make you happy.   Good for you.  But it's important to not let our struggles overwhelm the good things to the point where life goes dark.  How would you describe your mental health in general?

With your last relationship, you'll get nowhere while you take the stance of a victim.  Why?  Because that changes nothing.  It doesn't help you grow and learn.   You need to be looking at what you now know and what decisions you'd make if you meet another moocher like him.  

If you were looking for a good guy on an app, what attributes would a guy worth meeting have?  How do you choose them?

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't know how to say this without seeming to blame you, but you do have power to identify more quickly guys who are bad.

You do have power to escape these guys. You do NOT want to do everything for a man (or a man for a woman). You are not a servant, and that is not your role. You want a relationship where time with you is the man's treat--that's it. Just time with you should be enough.

 

[chickendinner12]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So there are things in your life which do make you happy.   Good for you.  But it's important to not let our struggles overwhelm the good things to the point where life goes dark.  How would you describe your mental health in general?

Not good, what happened was extremely hurtful and painful to me and I've been dwelling on it. 

Quote

If you were looking for a good guy on an app, what attributes would a guy worth meeting have?  How do you choose them?

I'm only choosing based on their appearance these days because I haven't been interested in another relationship after what happened. I've been keeping it strictly at no strings attached sex. 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

Not good, what happened was extremely hurtful and painful to me and I've been dwelling on it. 

Have you considered talking this through with a therapist?  

10 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

I'm only choosing based on their appearance these days because I haven't been interested in another relationship after what happened. I've been keeping it strictly at no strings attached sex. 

Given that you're still hurting, it's probably a good choice to not look for a relationship.   But that aside, you were complaining about there being no good men - but perhaps the truth is that you're not actually looking for a good guy.  Why not leave men alone until you get yourself together again? 

[chickendinner12]

49 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Have you considered talking this through with a therapist?  

Yes, I've been seeing one. 

Quote

Given that you're still hurting, it's probably a good choice to not look for a relationship.   But that aside, you were complaining about there being no good men - but perhaps the truth is that you're not actually looking for a good guy.  

I would say I was open to it when I encountered my ex, but not anymore after that experience. Who would want another relationship after how that went. 

Edited January 31, 2023 by chickendinner12

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

I have all those things, but what bothers me are all these men like my ex who have used me and abused my kindness. That has left me deeply unhappy. 

Try to drop the victim mindset.   I suppose he did use you, but you knew exactly what you were getting into when you decided to have a homeless guy you were casually hooking up with over a span of years move into your house and suddenly get the title of "boyfriend" after you'd reconnected with him for a week or two.   I'm sorry, I know you're hurting over that, but you need to look at your choices and be responsible for them.  

You abused yourself more than the guy abused you. 

[basil67]

Ok, so let's take things back a bit.  You said "I certainly am not meeting people who would be relationship material and have their stuff together, or would be a good match. It's damn near impossible to do that in your 30's".   This is catastrophic thinking because the truth is you've not been open to looking.  They may well be out there, but you're just not ready yet.

I certainly understand the concept of once bitten, twice shy.  And that's where you are at the moment. But when you are ready and are armed with with better boundaries, there's no reason you shouldn't get out and look for good guys.   I do however think that hooking up with random dudes is a recipe for disaster right now.  I've got nothing against casual sex, but I do think it's something that only the most resilient of us are good at.   As it is, you've been having hookups and still feeling desperately lonely.  One evening of cuddles and sex with a stranger will never be fulfilling.

What does your therapist say about all of this?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

I was open to it when I encountered my ex, but not anymore after that experience. Who would want another relationship after how that went

But how long did you stay in that, knowing very well that it wasn't good for you?

Your ex may have been terrible, but you have agency in making counter-proudctive choices in your love life and not getting out sooner.  What is your role in directing your own life and not waiting for things to happen "to" you, so to speak? 

[JTSW]

Don't write off all men because of one bad experience.

There are good guys out there and I'm proof of that.

When I was younger I never thought I would ever have a relationship because I was so shy.

I now have a wonderful husband, been together almost 20 years.

[Johnjohnson2017]

[ ] It might be harder for you to find a nice guy but it is possible. Learn to spot good guys. Your picker is also off. 

Edited February 1, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
led to group berating

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

You said "I certainly am not meeting people who would be relationship material and have their stuff together, or would be a good match. It's damn near impossible to do that in your 30's".   This is catastrophic thinking because the truth is you've not been open to looking. 

The truth is, you settled for someone who was less than you would have otherwise chosen for yourself because you had convinced yourself he was your best option in an otherwise bad bunch. You stayed, you tried to make it work, you have of yourself at the expense of your own mental health because you would rather have “good enough” than be alone. 

While I don’t disagree that it’s more challenging to make friendships and build relationships in adulthood than it is when one is younger (attending school/college), it is possible. I personally met the love of my life when I was in my late 30’s. What’s not going to work - you are not going to meet the love of your life and find a healthy relationship for yourself if you are choosing and trying to make it work with the wrong man. I would actually argue that you are unlikely to find your partner/a healthy relationships if you have the mindset that all you will find/what you need to settle for is hookups with men you meet on a dating website. 

I think the suggestion to take a break from dating for a while is a good one. In your position, I would focus on counselling and building a fulfilling life for myself - once you have done that, then you will be ready to meet a man and date again. Good luck. 

Edited January 31, 2023 by BaileyB

[Livly23]

20 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Once YOU change your internal state, from negative and defeated to happy, positive, hopeful, the good men will show up. 

Water attracts its own level.  Like attracts like.

As I said, at this point, it's become a very unhealthy negative vicious cycle.

Seek help. 

Good luck. 

Amen sista. Bitterness towards men won't help, it'll just cripple you on the inside and eventually you're going to be consumed with hate, with the Law of Attraction these negative thoughts will spiral and there might be a point of no return soon. It's a vicious cycle. Just as there are some broken men that think that 'all women are like that,' there exists women that proclaim men are worthless are therein lies the problem. Our genders were designed to be complementary, not work against each other. 

[ ] 

Edited January 31, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
private conversation/discussion of other forums