gorwok Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 Hi, I 23M have a huge crush on my coworker 24F. She ended her 4-year relationship about a half-year ago and is currently focused on her career and friends. We started interacting more about a month ago when I started developing feelings. We have very similar life goals and I can tell she is also into me. Seems like it's never been so easy to have a conversation with any of the girls in my past. But because we work together pretty much every day I don't want to ask her out now because IMO even if she agrees it's going to be too awkward, and there won't be enough space to develop feelings for us both. The good thing is that she is going to change careers and leave my team, staying in the same company. This looks like a great opportunity to finally ask her out, and meanwhile, we are just being playful and funny with each other and I really enjoy spending time and having laughs with her at the office, she seems to be enjoying it too. It kills me though having to wait to make a move. I overthink every moment of it, like am I going to be friend zoned for spending too much casual time without making a move, is she going to lose interest, do I need to just ask her out now and whatever happens, am I trying too hard to not appear clingy, etc. Almost always when we are together there's a perfect opportunity to ask her out, but I never do it and then feel very bad (well, at least I have a set up). Logic tells me that's the best thing to do but emotions take the upper hand. I'm trying not to think about it, am also working on my career (I'm planning to leave this company in 6 months) and trying to date other girls but can't get it out of my head. Am I overthinking it too much? I believe that what I'm doing now is the best way to handle this, but what do you think?
Wiseman2 Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 (edited) 41 minutes ago, gorwok said: Am I overthinking it too much? A little bit. However, you could suggest going for a drink to celebrate her new position. That way it's not awkward (too date like or too friendzone like) and you're suggesting it when she's no longer in your department. You can better asses the situation then with a low-key drink and take it from there. Edited January 30, 2023 by Wiseman2
Ami1uwant Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 What is the work policy on dating co workers? do you two do lunch together?
Author gorwok Posted January 30, 2023 Author Posted January 30, 2023 33 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: What is the work policy on dating co workers? There's no policy 33 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: do you two do lunch together? Yes
Lotsgoingon Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 What about going to lunch with her---in the company. You don't touch each other, so no one knows if you're close coworkers or more. If you really connect with her, the next step is to ask her if she's interested in catching a movie or something like that. Once you're out, you should be able to read her body language and figure out if she's on the same page as you. Colleagues (even of different genders) are allowed to go to movies and have lunch together. It's OK to be close to a colleague so even if it becomes clear you guys are close, there is no problem. Ask her out. Don't worry about the friendzone thing. In my experience, that doesn't much apply to work colleagues because at work by definition, the feelings change over time (to romance would be your hope in this case). In other words, you always start as friends/professional colleagues ... and then gradually something happens. What time do you spend with her?
Ami1uwant Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 2 hours ago, gorwok said: There's no policy Yes What is occurred at lunch? Is it just you two. Do you talk about non work stuff?
mortensorchid Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 I will say this yet again to you or anyone else who ever posts about this - Coworkers are not friends. It's easy for you to think they are friends because you spend more time with them than you will with anyone else. And you feel as if you can relax or "be yourself" around them because you are not around your other friends, family, etc., who you usually see outside of the job. Never have your social or sexual needs met by a coworker, even if you are the most beautiful woman / man on earth. I say this for your own happiness and well being on the job. I also say this because of all the abuse I have suffered at the hands of coworkers in my previous career (healthcare physician billing) and my currant one (teacher) : keep to yourself. Be friendly, but not too friendly. Don't share a lot of yourself, just the bare minimum. Keep people out of your business so that they can't find something to use against you. Never lunch with a coworker in the cafeteria, at a restaurant nearby, and certainly never drink alcohol in front of a coworker. I was rejected one too many times by others, I have been hurt I don't know how many times by coworkers as well as non coworkers. Just move on from this. Be friendly but not too friendly with her.
basil67 Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 6 hours ago, gorwok said: I overthink every moment of it, like am I going to be friend zoned for spending too much casual time without making a move, is she going to lose interest, do I need to just ask her out now.... I don't buy the theory that taking too long puts a guy in the friendzone. Rather, I think that it was only ever a friend vibe and making a move earlier wouldn't have made a difference. Let's face it, most women know how to flirt and send signals if we're interested. Has she ever flirted with you? 1
JTSW Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 9 hours ago, mortensorchid said: Coworkers are not friends. One of my co-workers has become one of my best friends.
mortensorchid Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 2 hours ago, JTSW said: One of my co-workers has become one of my best friends. I am happy for you, truly. But I would like to share this story with you as to why I am distant from others on the job: About twenty years ago I was at my second job. I had been there for about a month when this woman returned from being on medical leave for some surgery. The tension levels went from zero to 100 when she returned. She was constantly starting fights with three or four others, they thought nothing of screaming at one another in front of others. One day a staff meeting was called and we spent five minutes talking about work and it all exploded into a huge, screaming, caddy fight between everyone in the whole department with her conducting it like an orchestra. I was sitting there just blown away, not saying anything. How could this be happening?!? But that wasn't the worst of it. Later that day I am sitting in the breakroom alone, eating and reading, minding my own business when the woman came up to me. She said "What did you think of the staff meeting today?" I said I would rather not talk about that, thank you. She then asked me "Do you want to know what people say about you? (Name) said you're not very smart." I was blown away not to mention very hurt by that. How could someone be so cruel? She was just sheer, pure, unadulterated evil to say something like that to someone. That's why I keep my distance. 1
glows Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 Do you feel like you’re in the friendzone? How is she when she’s around you? You mention good conversations. I don’t see anything wrong about asking her out as there is no policy about not dating in the workplace. I’ve never met anyone I would want to date after working with them. For some reason my brain/heart doesn’t go that way. Plenty of them have remained friendly or kept in touch over the years after going separate ways. Stay in touch if you’re more comfortable asking her out later.
ZA Dater Posted February 1, 2023 Posted February 1, 2023 While I can see why you think dating in the work place is a good idea, the reality is that there are a lot of negatives to consider. One thing would be how would it feel to be rejected by her and then having to see her again each day.... Unless you are absolutely sure she want to pursue something I would suggest rather staying on friendly terms. Then again you can risk everything and either win big or.....
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