BaileyB Posted February 1, 2023 Posted February 1, 2023 38 minutes ago, LostStudent said: I really don't want to be in a situation like this where we live separately for the long-term, and can't see how it could have any potential for the future such as having kids, etc. I asked him what his plan for the future would be when he said that he didn't want to move in, but he never answered the question. Have you talked with him about his interest in having children? Because, aside from the fact that you spend a lot of time together and you’ve met each other’s families… I don’t see any indication that he wants to move in with you, build a home together, and grow a family. In fact, the opposite. I see a man who likes things as they are right now - the set up seems to be meeting his needs or he would be telling you otherwise. I will share, at about your age I met a man and we are still together today. We lived close and went back and forth for three years (because he had been previously married and he had a child). He was the driving force in bringing the things together - he talked about moving in, where we would live, we often looked at new homes together, he finally asked me to move in and he made sacrifices to make it work. I always knew were he stood and what he wanted for the future. I however, would not agree to move into his home. It was a different situation than yours, I owned my home and I was not comfortable giving up my investment to live in a home that was not mine. I sold my home and moved in with him only because we were building a home together. It’s a little different if he is renting and has no equity to lose, but I would hear what he says when he tells you that he has no interest in maintaining a home. Perhaps, he is renting for a reason. And perhaps, he is not talking about moving in and starting a family because he actually likes living alone. 1
Alvi Posted February 1, 2023 Posted February 1, 2023 46 minutes ago, LostStudent said: I really don't want to be in a situation like this where we live separately for the long-term, and can't see how it could have any potential for the future such as having kids, etc. OP, I have told you before. If you want to have kids, you have to do something about it, pronto. Otherwise, it is going to be way too late for you to conceive naturally. So, ask yourself if this guy is ready for the marriage and kids. Forget about who moves where. House is not that important. The questions that you need to be asking him is about marriage and kids. And, no, not some day down the road years and years from now. This is about how he feels about having kids now. If you don't think he is ready to share his life with you and have kids with you, don't waste anymore of your time. End things and get the ball rolling by dating guys who are looking for the same thing. P.S. Think about visiting a fertility clinic to have a clear picture about what your chances are regarding having a child at this stage of your life. 1
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2023 Posted February 1, 2023 7 hours ago, LostStudent said: we were seeing each other most days of the week, but we would then leave and sleep at our respective houses I'm sorry l don't mean to pick but you are both without children waiting at home so why are you only sleeping 2 nights a week together? I've been with a man that needed space. He slept at my place 5 nights a week and we kept 2 nights to ourselves in tha name of 'space', the other way around would have been suspicious to me. 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 1, 2023 Posted February 1, 2023 7 hours ago, LostStudent said: I have been very unhappy. he said that he didn't want to move . He has brought up the issue of renting from me and not having any equity in the house, but I don't really see that as a sincere concern Unfortunately you're at an impasse. You're unhappy with the status quo and he doesn't want to live together. There's no reason to manage or discuss his money or rent. He simply doesn't want what you want. His concern about being your tenant is very legitimate and sincere. However the bottom line is he doesn't want to live together and no amount of convincing him or selling the idea this hard will change that. Sadly, you may have to step away.
introverted1 Posted February 1, 2023 Posted February 1, 2023 8 hours ago, LostStudent said: He has brought up the issue of renting from me and not having any equity in the house, but I don't really see that as a sincere concern given how much money he spends on renting anyway. Are you often dismissive of his concerns? It's really not up to you to decide whether his concern is sincere. This is where open communication and a real desire to hear each other is essential. You seem to be assuming that, as long as the money works out in his favor, he should have no concerns. But, in fact, if he moves in with you, you will become his landlord. Sure, the rent will be less, but so will be the security. And on principle, his rent contribution will go toward your equity, which does not benefit him. Yes, I understand that, overall he will save money. But do you understand that the decision to move in together is not just financial/practical but emotional? 8 hours ago, LostStudent said: The majority of his comments have all centered around the house and not wanting to move into a house that needs any work. What have you said in response to this? Are you expecting that your bf would participate in doing the work or will you be paying others to do the work out of your own funds? If the former, your bf may prefer to spend more in rent than deal with the (never ending) jobs that come with home ownership, especially when it's not his home. 2
smackie9 Posted February 1, 2023 Posted February 1, 2023 IMO with excuses like that, he ain't all into a future with you on your terms. 1
mortensorchid Posted February 1, 2023 Posted February 1, 2023 He may say that he doesn't want to live in your house, but does he say that he doesn't want to live with you period? Because if and when there is always a reason or excuse as to how and why something can't happen, there are just as many reasons why it can. People do what they want, when they want. Fact. I for one would not approach this with him anymore. Notice that you want him to move in with you for financial reasons above the personal ones. Everyone moves in together for financial reasons rather than personal, I have noticed (rents increasing, debts, etc.). Just let it be and stay together.
Ami1uwant Posted February 2, 2023 Posted February 2, 2023 20 hours ago, LostStudent said: Thank you very much for the feedback and questions. To clarify, we were seeing each other most days of the week, but we would then leave and sleep at our respective houses and only stay over Fri. and Sat. and we only live a couple of blocks apart. We spend holidays with each other's families, and have gone on vacation together. But in general, I have been very unhappy with this arrangement of living apart for quite some time, but was waiting in the hopes that something would change when his lease was up. I really don't want to be in a situation like this where we live separately for the long-term, and can't see how it could have any potential for the future such as having kids, etc. I asked him what his plan for the future would be when he said that he didn't want to move in, but he never answered the question. He only has a small apartment and not a lot of furniture to move/or place in storage, and he would probably save close to $2000 per month by moving in with me and splitting the expenses instead of paying his very over-priced rent. He has brought up the issue of renting from me and not having any equity in the house, but I don't really see that as a sincere concern given how much money he spends on renting anyway. Also, I was briefly back together with my ex-husband when I bought the house, but I bought it by myself, and have mostly lived here by myself (and I don't think that my boyfriend knows about this). The majority of his comments have all centered around the house and not wanting to move into a house that needs any work. He has a few times brought up his past brief marriage which was a very negative experience for him. So either he was never that into me, or else he has some baggage from his past that he can't move on from and would rather just be divorced and living alone than potentially building a relationship or future. what have you said to him on paying the bills together? Are you saying just pay me the $x you are paying for your apt? ehats going on with his job/ career? what have you asked him about your future together? What are his behavior difference when you are staying at his vs yours? if you aren’t together on a day, what’s going on? How much have you argued, disagreed, or argued?
Lotsgoingon Posted February 2, 2023 Posted February 2, 2023 I think the house is an excuse, a fake reason. He just doesn't feel comfortable moving to the next step. Now to back up here: there is an issue when one person moves into the house of the other. He would be moving into YOUR house. Well he may not like parts of the house or the way you decorated it and so on. That's why some couples move into a new "neutral" house and they decorate with both people's tastes from the ground up. You could encourage him to suggest changes to the house or the decor that would make him feel more at home, more comfy. Again, this is a real issue. But I am not sensing that that issue is the real problem here. Sounds to me like he really doesn't want to spend more than two nights at week with you. Some of the fun of a new relationship as things get serious is spending a weeknight together and going from a partner's place directly to work. That's a certain experience--he's clearly AVOIDING that experience. You're not imagining this. Simplicity and laziness (I don't care how close his place is form yours) would dictate I would say at minimum one night a week with you--just out of selfishness, just out of desire to hold you or be in spend through the night with you. So SOMETHING is up. You are right to get antsy. I don't think this is the right guy for you. And this kind of pattern of keeping this kind of physical overnight distance is really deep and is hard to change. Stop investing time with his family and all of that. Start thinking of a life without him. And then make it happen. 1
FMW Posted February 2, 2023 Posted February 2, 2023 All that matters is that you are not happy with what you're getting from him. No need to be suspicious or derogatory about his choices. You've expressed your desire to live together. He's not demonstrating that he shares that desire. Especially since you want children, waiting for things to change would not be a reasonable choice. 2
stillafool Posted February 2, 2023 Posted February 2, 2023 On 1/31/2023 at 11:11 PM, basil67 said: I'm sorry to say, but I think this is a lost cause. Your body clock isn't going to wait till the time he makes a decision one way or another. I agree with the above. He doesn't sound like he's on the same page you are at this time in his life. He can afford to wait to have a child later if he chooses. If you want a child this man isn't the one. He doesn't sound like he's keen to live with you either.
stillafool Posted February 2, 2023 Posted February 2, 2023 On 2/1/2023 at 7:37 AM, introverted1 said: What have you said in response to this? Are you expecting that your bf would participate in doing the work or will you be paying others to do the work out of your own funds? If the former, your bf may prefer to spend more in rent than deal with the (never ending) jobs that come with home ownership, especially when it's not his home. I agree. Why would he want to pay you rent and help you fix up your house? How much work does you house need? Maybe he's more comfortable at his expensive apartment.
notbroken Posted February 2, 2023 Posted February 2, 2023 He probably likes you, but is content with his life 'as is' and doesn't want to make a drastic change/committment like moving in. He likes the freedom he has now and the committment of moving in terrifies him that he is going to lose that. He likely had a bad relationship somewhere in the past and doesn't care to relive that. Moving in doesn't terrify him as much as having a kid, but close. Put those two together and he is definitely unsure and knows what a huge change of his life that would be - and loss of freedom. He considers moving in with you to be a 'shotgun wedding' of sorts. He may - or may not - ever make the leap. Wait at your own peril. I'm not defending his position, just stating what it likely is - and I have some experience in this area.
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