LostStudent Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 Hi, I am looking for some feedback on this situation. My significant other and I have been together for over 1.5 years (both 40 and divorced, no kids). We live in the same town a few blocks apart, but I own my house, and he rents a 1 bedroom/1 bath apartment for which he pays rent that is double the average cost (and also double my mortgage cost). We get along really great, have a lot in common, and never fight. However, I have been unhappy with the situation of living separately and just staying over at each other's places 2 times per week. I have invited him to move in with me when his lease ends, but he has repeatedly refused. Sadly, this has left me thinking that there is no future in this relationship and that it will never go anywhere. I would like to eventually get re-married, or have kids, and realize that my time to do so is extremely limited, and in general I would just like to have someone to share a home with, but I can't see how any of this could ever be possible when we live separately. I should mention that we live in a town in which the costs for housing have skyrocketed. There are very few houses on the market, the competition is very tight, and the cost is greatly inflated. However, I have a mortgage with 2.6% interest rate and a low monthly payment (which if we split would be 1/4 of what he currently pays for rent). He has provided a long list of what he doesn't like about my house, including the kitchen countertops and floors, and also larger scale renovations that he thinks are necessary and claims that he thinks that we should get a different house together. I would never consider renting when I already own my own house and as mentioned with the inflated housing costs and high interest rates, I would potentially be paying ~ 3 to 4 times more per month if I bought a house now (plus I would never consider buying a house with a boyfriend that I don't even live with). I have a three bedroom house with a large yard on a desirable street, although my house does need some work. He blames everything on me for not being willing to move, and seems completely ignorant about what is involved in owning a house. I think that it is unreasonable to expect a house to be completely perfect and never require any work. I have offered that we could pick out new furniture together so that it feels like his home and that we could look into renovations (which I think is a reasonable compromise), but he seems totally unwilling to consider the option. I personally think that when one person owns and the other person rents, that it makes sense for the person who rents to move into the house that the other person owns, especially given the current housing market. But perhaps he just wants to live alone forever in his rented 1 bedroom apartment, or maybe this all has something to do with his past marriage and divorce (a complete train wreck). Things could probably continue forever if I was fine with living separately, but I am not, and therefore, I don't know how to continue. Any thoughts?
glows Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 He doesn’t like your house, fine. It’s not clear if he has told you he doesn’t want to live with you. Has he said that?
FMW Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 Not knowing whether he doesn't want to live together at all, or if he just doesn't want to live in your current home makes it hard to know what to say. If he truly doesn't like your home, regardless of all the reasons you feel it makes perfect sense for him to move in with you, then it seems you will probably need to wait until the rental and real estate market changes. If he doesn't want to live together period, then don't count on him ever changing his mind. I'm in love with a guy I've been in a relationship with for about 3 1/2 years. I never want to live with anyone ever again, not even him. 2
ShyViolet Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 You two are not on the same page. It would make absolutely no sense, financially, for you to get rid of your house and get another house when you already own one. He is being kind of ridiculous. Maybe his nitpicking of your house is just his way of avoiding moving in with you, when deep down he just doesn't want to live together. Don't make any life-altering or financially risky decisions just because of him. 3
Author LostStudent Posted January 30, 2023 Author Posted January 30, 2023 To answer the question, he has said that he doesn't want to move into my house. He makes vague comments about getting another place together but has never actually provided any details (such as an example of this house) or a plan or timeline for doing so. In my opinion, this is demonstrating a lack of any understanding of the current housing market. I personally think that he is just making up excuses to avoid moving in together. For example, my offer that we could consider renovating the kitchen and getting new cabinets (which would be expensive) has been met with the response of we have to add an addition to the kitchen instead or he won't be satisfied.
basil67 Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 Assuming that your oven and cooktop are functional, your countertops and doors aren't falling off the hinges or are a hygiene hazard, I think he's being ridiculous. So ridiculous in fact, that I think this is an excuse to not move in with you. I'd say it's time to move on before you've wasted two whole years with him. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 4 hours ago, LostStudent said: He blames everything on me for not being willing to move I actually think he's hiding behind this excuse to buy himself time. He knows you will not buy a house together at this time. He knows your house is fine. But he doesn't want to live together (not yet, anyway) and he doesn't know how to be honest and say so - so he drums up other excuses that he knows paint you into a corner and you won't go for. If you are hoping to get married and have children, this isn't your guy. By the time you two get around to thinking about marrige or kids, your fertility window will probably be closed. 2
Acacia98 Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 I'm assuming he doesn't want to move in together. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. I can think of reasons why somebody may want to maintain their own space, even while in a committed relationship. But if it's not what you want, then you're obviously not a good fit for each other. So I'm just wondering, what is his timeline for your relationship, and how does he see it progressing over time? It would be interesting to hear what he had to say when asked an open-ended question. I don't know whether he would give you an honest answer. But having that kind of conversation could help you figure out whether it's worth your while to continue in this relationship. 3
Wiseman2 Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 (edited) 7 hours ago, LostStudent said: T. For example, my offer that we could consider renovating the kitchen and getting new cabinets. Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he doesn't want to be your tenant which is a wise decision for him. He also seems to value his freedom and independence. This is not due to housing market ignorance. It's due to him needing more space than you and simply not wanting to live together. The objections (nitpicking about house details) are manufactured to sidestep the conversation about living together. You seem to be making logical and practical arguments for living together, but the bottom line is he doesn't want to. So these discussions on renovations and "compromises" are moot because the house itself is not the issue. Edited January 30, 2023 by Wiseman2 1
JTSW Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 Have you lived in your house alone the whole time you have been there? Have you ever had anyone live there with you? If you've ever had an ex live there then I can understand why he doesn't want to live there. If you have never lived there with another guy then he is just making excuses.
bene Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 (edited) Does he suggest any real plan how you could live together? Countertops and color palette are minor things, the real question is whether he sees a future with you or not. I agree that it just doesn’t seem reasonable to rent something if you already own a house. I can also see his perspective that he doesn’t want to be a tenant in his girlfriend’s house. The feeling might be irrational but it could be a problem for him. I understand the pressure of the biological clock if you want to have kids. Frankly you don’t have much time to lose. Is he on the same page with you? Have you seriously discussed starting a family? Not moving in together might be his way of not progressing the relationship. He might actually be OK with going on a few dates per week indefinitely. Edited January 30, 2023 by bene
Calmandfocused Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 I’m quite disgusted that he is criticising your home Op. I sincerely hope you are not taking this criticism to heart. You should be proud of what you have achieved. It’s not easy starting again after divorce. You do know that he’s “hiding” behind this excuse right? Op he does not want to live together. Practically you could sell your house, get an inflated price for it and get another inflated house jointly. You’d probably be able to take your interest rate with you too. But …. He doesn’t want to! He’s done with the heavy commitments for now. He doesn’t want it and he will not change his mind. You either need to accept his decision and carry on as you are or end the relationship and find someone else.
stillafool Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 12 hours ago, LostStudent said: I would like to eventually get re-married, or have kids, and realize that my time to do so is extremely limited, and in general I would just like to have someone to share a home with Does he want these things to? If he's repeatedly refused when you've asked him to move in with you I assume he has a good reason. Obviously this isn't the man for you and you're not compatible. There's nothing you can do about this situation except break up and find a man who wants what you want.
Ami1uwant Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 10 hours ago, LostStudent said: To answer the question, he has said that he doesn't want to move into my house. He makes vague comments about getting another place together but has never actually provided any details (such as an example of this house) or a plan or timeline for doing so. In my opinion, this is demonstrating a lack of any understanding of the current housing market. I personally think that he is just making up excuses to avoid moving in together. For example, my offer that we could consider renovating the kitchen and getting new cabinets (which would be expensive) has been met with the response of we have to add an addition to the kitchen instead or he won't be satisfied. In talking about living together, what has been said about finances? How much are you expecting him to pay? when he is over st your places vs how he is when you are st his, have you noticed any differences? Are There differences in living styles? Are you am person he’s a night owl? Has he felt he’s not comfortable at your place or have you done redesign/ repainting work while you were together snd didn’t ask his opinion? have you talked about what’s inside a dream home? What he’d want? Does your place has room fir hus stuff? Are you expecting him to sell everything he owns? Does he have to use storage for furniture? given his higher rent snd income, he might not have thst much money sitting around. If he had to sell his own furniture to move in and it ends, can he afford to go out and buy new furniture? he might not like the area you live in. If he moves in with you then he is stuck there.
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 There seems to be a lack of love in this relationship (on his part). 1.5 years together and only 2 nights a week together? That would be too little for most couples. It's like this relationship never went beyong 'dating mode'. If I were you I'd really question if his heart is into this relationship. I know I'd want more commitment after 1.5 year. Sincere heart commitment, a lot of time together, short-medium-long plans, etc. 2
Rinoa122 Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 4 hours ago, JTSW said: Have you lived in your house alone the whole time you have been there? Have you ever had anyone live there with you? If you've ever had an ex live there then I can understand why he doesn't want to live there. If you have never lived there with another guy then he is just making excuses. I was thinking the same thing. OP, was your home your marital home with your ex spouse by any chance?
NuevoYorko Posted January 30, 2023 Posted January 30, 2023 You said you get along wonderfully and never fight but some of the ways you've described your communication seem a little harsh; for example, he "blames" you for everything. Blaming is not part of good communication. In any case, I think you really need to take a good look and have some real talks (with no blaming or power struggles about who lives where) about the trajectory of this relationship. It's possible that he likes things just as they are and has no motivation to do anything else. I think that if he wanted to move the relationship forward, as you clearly do, the two of you would be spending MUCH more time together than 2 nights per week after the amount of time you've been together. 2
Alvi Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 (edited) I was talking to two dating coaches few years ago and they both told me that it takes a year to make up his mind whether or not see sees you as a marriage material or a long term partner. Not saying that he is going to marry you right away after dating you for one year but he knows if he wants a future with you or not after one year of dating. Sorry OP, it appears that he does not. If he did, he would not hesitate to take a next step with you. In your case, it would be moving in together. I am guessing there is a reason why you only see each other so infrequently given that the two of you only live few block apart. He is probably more that satisfied with the status quo (meeting you twice and week) and is not looking for anything more. Things may change one day down the road but it could take years and years and more years. It is up to you if you want to stick around in hopes that he is going to change his mind one day. But it is more than likely going to be way too late for you to have a child if and when that happens. On 1/29/2023 at 6:38 PM, LostStudent said: I would like to eventually get re-married, or have kids, and realize that my time to do so is extremely limited OK, fair enough. Is it what he also wants? Have you discussed it with him in the greater length? What is he telling you? That in theory he wants to get married some day and one day he doesn't mind having kids somewhere down the road? Do you feel that some day is good enough for you? You cannot only be meeting him twice a week if you want to have kids. How many ovulation dates did you miss since you are only meeting him during the weekend? There is only about 5% chance for you to conserve naturally after the age of 40 and your chances are going to decrease drastically the longer you wait. What do you want more, having kids or having a husband? I know, you want both but it may not be possible (I apologize for being very blunt here). If you want to find a husband, you probably should not rush and take your time shopping around and probably get back to a dating pool. But if you want to get pregnant, you have to visit a fertility clinic like yesterday. With or without this guy. Ask him if he wants to have a child with you. If he says "yes," ask him to come to a fertility clinic with you to get things started pronto. If he sys no, well, this is it I suppose. Of course, your ideal outcome would be to find a husband and to get pregnant and there might be a guy out there who wants the same. But you are not going to meet him unless you start dating again as soon as possible. But the end results of getting married and having a child with a practical stranger might be disastrous. Edited January 31, 2023 by Alvi 3
Alvi Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 (edited) On 1/29/2023 at 6:38 PM, LostStudent said: He blames everything on me for not being willing to move, and seems completely ignorant about what is involved in owning a house. So he blames everything on you,? This is not how a loving partner should behave in a relationship. Ok, this alone is warranted enough for you to dump him. On 1/29/2023 at 6:38 PM, LostStudent said: He has provided a long list of what he doesn't like about my house, including the kitchen countertops and floors, and also larger scale renovations that he thinks are necessary and claims that he thinks that we should get a different house together. Excuses. On 1/29/2023 at 6:38 PM, LostStudent said: I have offered that we could pick out new furniture together so that it feels like his home and that we could look into renovations (which I think is a reasonable compromise), but he seems totally unwilling to consider the option. More excuses. I am sorry, you are wasting your time on him. This is not about the furniture or about the flooring or the countertops. This is about him not wanting to have a future with you. Edited January 31, 2023 by Alvi
Alvi Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 One more thing. Do you think that he is actually going to agree to start your lives together if you agree to purchase a completely new house with him? Do you think that he is actually going to be happy if you say to him "You are right, honey. Let's purchase a house together." Or do you think that he is going to come up with more things and excuses to stall? 1
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 I would not recommend to purchase a house together before living together. The smart route would be for him to move in with you for let's say a year and THEN you can look into purchasing something together. We don't really know someone until we've lived with them. The excuses that he doesn't like the counter tops and such is ridiculous! It's childish and shallow. I think it says a lot about him. Now, a serious question here. If you sell your house the profit will go toward a new house purchased with him....what will be his contribution? Can he contribute equally as you would? Or you'd be the only one putting the down payment on a new mortgage?
introverted1 Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 Unpopular opinion: I would not move into the house of someone I was dating. If the relationship goes south, I'm now scrambling to find a place to live. Also, there is an inherent imbalance when one person moves into another's "turf" that can't be rebalanced simply by buying some new furniture. Renting or buying together puts both people on even footing, rather than landlord/tenant. This is not to say I think you should buy a house with your bf. I think you need more clarity on how he sees the relationship, where he sees it going, children, etc. Once you two can talk openly and honestly about housing issues you will be in a better position to determine your next steps. 3
smackie9 Posted January 31, 2023 Posted January 31, 2023 I wouldn't move into someone's place only knowing them for 1.4 years. That's hardly enough time for such a commitment at your age. The older you get, the more you should live more independently. If he wants to pay more for rent, let him, his finances are none of your business. IMO you shouldn't let anyone move in with you. I don't know the laws about living common law, but in some cases they are entitled to take half of what you own in the event of a breakup. I suggest you find out his reasons, and talk about your expectations about the future, give a time-line. If it's not what you want, you simply end the relationship and find someone who meets your criteria. 1
Author LostStudent Posted February 1, 2023 Author Posted February 1, 2023 Thank you very much for the feedback and questions. To clarify, we were seeing each other most days of the week, but we would then leave and sleep at our respective houses and only stay over Fri. and Sat. and we only live a couple of blocks apart. We spend holidays with each other's families, and have gone on vacation together. But in general, I have been very unhappy with this arrangement of living apart for quite some time, but was waiting in the hopes that something would change when his lease was up. I really don't want to be in a situation like this where we live separately for the long-term, and can't see how it could have any potential for the future such as having kids, etc. I asked him what his plan for the future would be when he said that he didn't want to move in, but he never answered the question. He only has a small apartment and not a lot of furniture to move/or place in storage, and he would probably save close to $2000 per month by moving in with me and splitting the expenses instead of paying his very over-priced rent. He has brought up the issue of renting from me and not having any equity in the house, but I don't really see that as a sincere concern given how much money he spends on renting anyway. Also, I was briefly back together with my ex-husband when I bought the house, but I bought it by myself, and have mostly lived here by myself (and I don't think that my boyfriend knows about this). The majority of his comments have all centered around the house and not wanting to move into a house that needs any work. He has a few times brought up his past brief marriage which was a very negative experience for him. So either he was never that into me, or else he has some baggage from his past that he can't move on from and would rather just be divorced and living alone than potentially building a relationship or future.
basil67 Posted February 1, 2023 Posted February 1, 2023 I'm sorry to say, but I think this is a lost cause. Your body clock isn't going to wait till the time he makes a decision one way or another.
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