Not sure if we're a bad fit or if I'm being difficult

[Meraki]

Hello, all. Thanks in advance for reading this and providing your insights.

I've been dating a man I believe is sensitive with a big, caring heart...but there are some issues that make me wonder if this is going to work.  We started seeing each other the summer of 2021, and were officially dating by that fall.  About six months after we became official, he moved in with me. The first few months living together was an adjustment period for both of us.  Prior to his move-in I was living alone for the better part of 2 years, and he was living with a male roommate.  At his suggestion, I eventually sold my vehicle and now we share his (at that time we worked from home full time and we drove very little -- it seemed smart financially).

Our first big argument was about house chores  / cleanliness.  I brought the topic up as I was starting to feel like his mother, cleaning up after him. We had calm adult conversations about this (quite a few).  I admitted maybe I expected too much of him.  My expectations were lowered to meet him in the middle, and it seemed he respected my perspective, and showed some effort to meet me in the middle. I felt like this was a hurdle we more or less managed, even if it was pretty rough at the start.  But it's been something like this since we've been together.  Maybe it's about cleaning,  how often we have sex, or getting out of the house more/being active together. For almost everything else besides housework, I can be kind but direct about what I want or need, and still he won't do anything differently. 

I have to plan outings, otherwise he will happily sit at home and play on the computer all weekend -- that is, unless his friends invite him out to tennis or pickleball or whatever. He's quick to say yes to them, but shuts me down often, so I've been asking less. He even shuts me down at my suggestions for trying new restaurants but quickly accepts it from a friend or sibling (this hurts my feelings). I feel shutout and shut down, but this is what he accuses me of doing to him. A small inconvenience is a huge deal for him and he's quickly agitated (like this weekend, waiting in line for food was just too much although we had nothing to do at home) -- he will make excuses why he needs to go home, and then once we're home he procrastinates to do any of those things. It has been driving me crazy.  I try to work with him on whatever our issues are because I care and I'm certainly not perfect.  

Months ago, he said he wanted more alone time and I didn't have an issue with that, as we work from home some of the time and see a lot of each other. I thought it was good he asked for something for himself!  This alone time was quickly abused though. He was playing WoW for several hours each day, and one night he got upset because he was hungry and I didn't cook him a meal for dinner.  I work more hours than he does, do more housework, do more emotional work in this relationship, and he wants me to cook dinner because he wanted to play WoW all night? I almost lost my mind    I later brought this up as gently as I could, and he accused me of controlling him saying that he cannot just do whatever he wants.  Later he admitted he was mad because he had to pause his game to get food.  Eventually he stopped playing WoW because he said we argued too much about it (and that's because he couldn't manage his responsibilities and play WoW at the same time). He said he wants this to work, and made it clear to me that WoW was important to him but he stopped for me.

I feel as if I am handholding this man through this relationship, teaching him how to respect me as his partner and how to cohabitate. But I don't feel like I'm asking for much. Show me effort. Effort I don't have to coax out of you at all times. Meanwhile, I am trying to be the change I want to see. I show gratitude when I notice his efforts -- doing the dishes, helping me fold laundry, or walking the dogs because I want him to feel valued (and although these are basic things, I still think it's important to show appreciation).  He tells me I'm good for him because I challenge him and make him grow -- but I'm not sure he wants to grow for himself or for me.  I am aware that I need to remain open/vulnerable, so I ask him frequently what he needs or wants from me so that I can be a better partner.  But I'm feeling tired. 

I asked him to go to therapy. I have done therapy in the past and definitely feel like I need it again, but would prefer couples therapy. He wasn't opposed, but he wanted to do his own therapy before joining me in couples therapy -- so he's declined couples therapy because he wants his own therapy, but he won't proactively schedule it. I've had to handhold his therapy scheduling  -- finding him places that will take the insurance he has, etc.  That drives me crazy. Just get it done -- don't make me hold your hand through this entire relationship, please.  None of this feels like it's important to him.  But then he will be very sweet and apologize to me about how he doesn't do this or will do more of that, etc. I do see some small changes, so we're still together...but how much of this is too much? I have seriously questioned the viability of this relationship.   

 

[ccas93]

you're in a relationship with a man-child who is walking all over you, like a disrespectful brat would to an enabling mother. 

[Alpacalia]

Agree with @ccas93.

Your enabling of him is going way too far and he is taking advantage of you to an extreme degree.

Seeing you cooking for him, cleaning for him, and doing all these chores for him while he plays video games would quickly lose my interest.

[ShyViolet]

It was exhausting reading all this.  I can't imagine how exhausting it must be to be in a relationship with this guy.  It sounds like you are living with an oversized child.  Is that really the kind of relationship you want to be in?  Honestly I think you need to break up with him.  You sound like an intelligent woman who has a lot to offer, and you can do better than this.

[basil67]

Why do you say that he's a caring guy?   This guy isn't remotely caring!  He doesn't give a toss about you needing help with housework or wanting to do nice things like dates.  All he wants is to be with his mates and play WOW.

Forget couples therapy - it's not going to magically make him into a half decent partner.  Thing is, he knows what you want and simply refuses to do it.   Instead, get yourself into therapy to work out why you haven't kicked him to the kerb yet.

 

[Ami1uwant]

My gut says we aren’t hearing the full story  here where it seems it’s all his fault and you are perfect.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not contiue this relationship. 

You have tried. It's not working. This is more of a parent-child situation than an adult, romantic relationship. I would be so turned off I wouldn't want to be his partner anymore. You know what to do. 

[Acacia98]

Meraki, listen: you matter and what you want in a relationship matters. You're allowed to have expectations in a relationship. If your expectations are not impossible but your partner is unable to meet them, it is okay for you to be dissatisfied with the relationship and to want to end it. You're not obligated to stay with someone if you're unhappy with him, even if he is a lovely human being and seems perfect on paper and everyone else adores him. The world could call you difficult, and he could call you difficult, but you are still allowed to walk away. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Meraki said:

 I was starting to feel like his mother, cleaning up after him.  

Sorry this is happening. You're correct that you're in mothering role and he doesn't act like a mature partner. It seems almost like he moved in to have a place to plug in his umbilical cord and be taken care of like a child.

Give him adequate legal notice and ask him to move out. It's the only way to free yourself from this and be able to find peace and happiness.

[Meraki]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

Why do you say that he's a caring guy?   This guy isn't remotely caring!  He doesn't give a toss about you needing help with housework or wanting to do nice things like dates.  All he wants is to be with his mates and play WOW.

Forget couples therapy - it's not going to magically make him into a half decent partner.  Thing is, he knows what you want and simply refuses to do it.   Instead, get yourself into therapy to work out why you haven't kicked him to the kerb yet.

 

I've had to read your question a few times and ponder it. In the very beginning he was so sweet! He is very giving to his family and friends. He gets upset when he sees people treating others poorly. Although he has a somewhat strange relationship with his mother, it's clear he loves her very much and wants to do anything to help her. Although I don't come from a culture that embraces crying / vulnerability, the few times I've cried in front of him, he didn't make it weird -- he held me and comforted me.  He does feel deeply, I've seen it.  So when he's just doing what he says he'll do and is being thoughtful / respectful, it's so great.

 

[ShyViolet]

30 minutes ago, Meraki said:

I've had to read your question a few times and ponder it. In the very beginning he was so sweet! He is very giving to his family and friends. He gets upset when he sees people treating others poorly. Although he has a somewhat strange relationship with his mother, it's clear he loves her very much and wants to do anything to help her. Although I don't come from a culture that embraces crying / vulnerability, the few times I've cried in front of him, he didn't make it weird -- he held me and comforted me.  He does feel deeply, I've seen it.  So when he's just doing what he says he'll do and is being thoughtful / respectful, it's so great.

 

That's great, but that is not enough to justify staying with someone when there are so many other serious issues in the relationship and with his behavior.

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, Meraki said:

In the very beginning he was so sweet

You're doing what many women do, myself included until I learned NOT to - you cling on to the "beginning" for dear life.

As if by letting go of the beggining, and accepting that the NOW is something entirely different and actually seriously unhealthy and unsustainable, you will die or something.

Let go of the "beginning" he is no longer that person.  No one ever is in the "beginning" which is why it's advised to wait at least one year before fully committing to living together or marriage. 

I got married after only six months and realizing this too, so no judgment.

It's human nature and not uncommon when we want something badly enough.

People are always on best behavior in the beginning, they're on a certain high, infatuated, and it's essentially a fantasy at this point. 

People call it the "honeymoon stage" and for a reason

The reality is the beginning is over and it's never coming back no matter how long you wait or how hard you try to reawaken it.

Live is the present.  What is happening now.  Who he is now.  And who you are now. 

He is not a kind caring person, at least not to you which is what's important.

It doesn't matter how kind he is to Joe Schmo down the street or anyone else, he is not in a relationship with them.

I encourage you to break up with him, give him one week to find another place, move in with a friend or his real mother and take steps to move on.

Learn from this.  Grow, evolve. 

Learn what a caring, loving, mutually happy and rewarding relationship looks like, trust me it's NOT this.

Not by a long shot..

I'm sorry. 

 

 

Edited January 29, 2023 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

I heard someone say once that 90% of marriage problems are actually living together problems. I suspect your relationship would be fine if you didn’t live together. But do you want a relationship that doesn’t ever progress to living together? If not, he’s not the guy for you.

[Meraki]

9 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

My gut says we aren’t hearing the full story  here where it seems it’s all his fault and you are perfect.

Fair enough!  In your shoes I'd probably think the same thing. We don't know each other at all, and there are always two sides to a story.  I retyped my post a couple times and at first I highlighted what I did wrong and could do better, but I felt like that wasn't really the point of the post. 

I am definitely not perfect, nor would I ever claim to be. I'm here sharing with you all because I find that I am not feeling like I did at the start of the relationship. I feel some resentment. I feel disrespected. But...maybe I am doing something I haven't yet identified in myself as a less than desirable quality in a partner. Before meeting him I had already identified and had been working on some things.

What if I'm missing something major? What if I'm self-sabotaging? I want to know these things. It takes work to identify and relearn negative patterns that have been cemented in your mind since childhood, but I think it is the best way to become a better human being and a better partner.  This is why I want to go to couples therapy.  It could be that the therapist feeds me some humble pie. Honestly, I fully expect that.  But will he eat his humble pie, too?

Honestly, he has humbled me a handful of times. It is not an easy pill to swallow, but I take accountability and I apologize and work hard to improve. I expect the same from him. I've checked in with him and asked him if I have done better.  He sees consistency from me. I'd like to see it from him. The inconsistency in this relationship has made me feel like a fool -- and I resent that. 

 

[Meraki]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You're doing what many women do, myself included until I learned NOT to - you cling on to the "beginning" for dear life.

As if by letting go of the beggining, and accepting that the NOW is something entirely different and actually seriously unhealthy and unsustainable, you will die or something.

Let go of the "beginning" he is no longer that person.  No one ever is in the "beginning" which is why it's advised to wait at least one year before fully committing to living together or marriage. 

Learn from this.  Grow, evolve. 

Learn what a caring, loving, mutually happy and rewarding relationship looks like, trust me it's NOT this.

Not by a long shot..

I'm sorry. 

 

 

Reading this reduced me to tears. I think deep down I know this. This makes me so sad. On some level I don't want to accept it. I was thinking maybe I'm too demanding / expect too much...but at the same time I feel like I deserve better. I am definitely clinging to those early moments of happiness. Feeling like I could share my life with someone. But I feel like I deserve equal effort here. It's such a weird inner battle.

[Ami1uwant]

24 minutes ago, Meraki said:

Fair enough!  In your shoes I'd probably think the same thing. We don't know each other at all, and there are always two sides to a story.  I retyped my post a couple times and at first I highlighted what I did wrong and could do better, but I felt like that wasn't really the point of the post. 

I am definitely not perfect, nor would I ever claim to be. I'm here sharing with you all because I find that I am not feeling like I did at the start of the relationship. I feel some resentment. I feel disrespected. But...maybe I am doing something I haven't yet identified in myself as a less than desirable quality in a partner. Before meeting him I had already identified and had been working on some things.

What if I'm missing something major? What if I'm self-sabotaging? I want to know these things. It takes work to identify and relearn negative patterns that have been cemented in your mind since childhood, but I think it is the best way to become a better human being and a better partner.  This is why I want to go to couples therapy.  It could be that the therapist feeds me some humble pie. Honestly, I fully expect that.  But will he eat his humble pie, too?

Honestly, he has humbled me a handful of times. It is not an easy pill to swallow, but I take accountability and I apologize and work hard to improve. I expect the same from him. I've checked in with him and asked him if I have done better.  He sees consistency from me. I'd like to see it from him. The inconsistency in this relationship has made me feel like a fool -- and I resent that. 

 

you brought cleaning.  What I wonder is how bad was this.  Some are more cluttered while some want e erything to look like a model home for a photo shoot.

 

you said there was issues in sex…you might have turned him away earlier so he’s pulledaway

 

you saw on weekends he won’t do anything.  Maybe early on he'd suggest this snd that but you turned it down. So he’s given up.

I’ve seen people complain thry don’t do these big things but ignore all the thoughtful small things they do.

 

with all relationships….you have to see how it is after the new car smell wears off snd it settles into the mundane.

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

Ugh.  I, too, had anxiety and a sense of exhaustion reading this.

Someone above posted that this is just your side and you're probably not perfect.  I'm sure that's accurate.  It is beside the point, though.  If what you have shared here is a reasonably viable snapshot of your relationship, I'm very sorry, but there is nothing you can do to change it.   He is NOT engaged in this like an adult partner to you.   You won't change this.

From what you've written, my opinion is that you need to move on from this relationship.

Once you have gotten through that,  then look at your own part in it.  

Again, HIS behavior is not your fault and HIS behavior is impossible for an adult relationship.  That said, you do need to learn from this so you don't do it again.

Basically it would hinge on 1) not rushing - you moved in together too soon 2) not taking on parental type of behaviors with an adult partner and 3) accepting the reality of the person you've chosen to be with rather than trying to change them.  If you work on those things you will have a much better chance to choose a good partner for yourself and of being able to work through the real life problems that adults face in lives together.  

The issues you mention are NOT real life adult problems.  They are problems you have because you are trying to have an adult relationship with a person who's not equipped or even interested in doing that. 

 

 

 

[glows]

He may not enjoy the same things you do and doesn’t mind a bit more clutter but there should be more respect for each other and your space. By the time it got to the point of him telling you to make him dinner while he played a video game the relationship was already broken. 

No, you’re not obligated to stay with him but in reading your original post it does appear he helps with chores.

I don’t get the feeling that you’re ready to end the relationship. What does he hope to gain from therapy? 

[Els]

16 hours ago, Meraki said:

but how much of this is too much?

Probably less than what you've already put up with.

2 hours ago, Meraki said:

I've had to read your question a few times and ponder it. In the very beginning he was so sweet! He is very giving to his family and friends. He gets upset when he sees people treating others poorly. Although he has a somewhat strange relationship with his mother, it's clear he loves her very much and wants to do anything to help her.

Okay, great, but none of this answers the question: What does he do for you?

16 hours ago, Meraki said:

He was playing WoW for several hours each day, and one night he got upset because he was hungry and I didn't cook him a meal for dinner.  I work more hours than he does, do more housework, do more emotional work in this relationship, and he wants me to cook dinner because he wanted to play WoW all night? I almost lost my mind    I later brought this up as gently as I could, and he accused me of controlling him saying that he cannot just do whatever he wants.  Later he admitted he was mad because he had to pause his game to get food.  Eventually he stopped playing WoW because he said we argued too much about it (and that's because he couldn't manage his responsibilities and play WoW at the same time). He said he wants this to work, and made it clear to me that WoW was important to him but he stopped for me.

Ah, nope, this is complete and utter nonsense. Lots of us play WoW and have a good relationship, because we are sufficiently mature to treat it as a hobby and not an addiction. Playing for several hours every single day, yelling at "mom" because she didn't cook you dinner while you played... that's not the kind of behaviour you'd expect from a grown man, or even a teenager. He didn't quit WoW "for you", he had to quit because he's a manchild incapable of adulting or exercising moderation in his gaming habits. That's not attractive to anyone, not even to women who play the same game.

I suggest you ask yourself what exactly you are getting from this relationship besides apologies and sweet words. Remember, words are cheap. It's the actions that you should be looking at.

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, Meraki said:

But...maybe I am doing something I haven't yet identified in myself as a less than desirable quality in a partner.

He behaves like a child and in response you're behaving like the parent. You've turned into his mother, and that's why he takes you for granted. Cleaning up after him, never being taken anywhere, the online gaming, and the hanging out with his mates - you have a teenager living with you. You shouldn't be praising him for doing the dishes or walking the dogs, he's not twelve years old. I felt drained just reading about him, so my suggestion is to rethink living together. Next you'll find out that he tells his mates that you nag him all the time, because that's what immature males do. 

[stillafool]

You two are not compatible and I'm surprised you didn't realize that before moving him in with you.  You not be obliged to cook his dinner unless you want to and if he requests alone time it isn't up to you to manage what he does with that time.  That's called parenting.   I feel couples counseling is for married people and if it's a short relationship like yours with this many issues it's best to go your separate ways and save yourselves the headache.

[poppyfields]

34 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You two are not compatible

That's an understatement..

I mean, what woman (in her right mind) would be compatible with an immature mama's boy like him? 

This is ridiculous.   

OP please leave and spend some time exploring internally why you're choosing to remain and tolerate this nonsense.  

Is he your first boyfriend?

If so, trust me this is NOT what a good relationship looks like or is. 

Please stop questioning your judgment, have faith in your own ability to know what feels good and what doesn't and when it doesn't feel good on a consistent basis, wish him well and show him the door. 

 

Edited January 29, 2023 by poppyfields

[Meraki]

6 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

you brought cleaning.  What I wonder is how bad was this.  Some are more cluttered while some want e erything to look like a model home for a photo shoot.

 

you said there was issues in sex…you might have turned him away earlier so he’s pulledaway

 

you saw on weekends he won’t do anything.  Maybe early on he'd suggest this snd that but you turned it down. So he’s given up.

I’ve seen people complain thry don’t do these big things but ignore all the thoughtful small things they do.

 

with all relationships….you have to see how it is after the new car smell wears off snd it settles into the mundane.

 

 

My home is not perfect like a magazine. It's somewhat organized, and clean but there is clutter. My office has some papers I still need to file. I should probably dust in here, but haven't yet. To be clear, I'm not psychotic about cleaning. It isn't white glove inspection clean like they wanted in the military, to me that's not reasonable.  I have two dogs  - one is quite furry and his fur balls accumulate in the corners each week. But at just under 1,000 sq ft -- it's very manageable to keep reasonably clean. A clean space is relaxing to me. My cleanliness was a quality he admired before he moved in. I just want him to respect me enough to want to help out without my asking him to do so.

As far as the sex goes...there was plenty of it at the start. It was amazing, actually. When I felt respected. When, if I wasn't in the mood, or was too exhausted from working 10+ hour days, he wouldn't say things like "oh this isn't what I'm used to" at the first sign of disinterest. Then tell me about how his ex had a very high sex drive and was totally insatiable (I'll spare you some of the other details on that). Come on. Who wants to hear that?? Communication is lubrication.  He can better compartmentalize his day and immediately be ready to go. Me, not so much!  I have told him what turns me on. I have asked for more foreplay, flirting or some type of mental stimulation, he was angry and defensive and said it was "too much work".  When he told me what I could do better to to improve our sex life, I listened and implemented more of what he wanted. I have put in more than my fair share of work here.

I don't think it matters that he felt rejected. Because I have, too. If he "gives up" that easily, I'm wasting my time. I am asking for equal effort. 

I do not ignore the small things, because they add up. I've posted about how I acknowledge those small things. I try to see things from his perspective. I have been trying. 

I am aware of the honeymoon phase, I didn't expect such a dramatic drop off in effort from someone that seemed so invested emotionally and so sincere. This is another hard learned lesson I suppose.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

5 minutes ago, Meraki said:

My cleanliness was a quality he admired before he moved in. I just want him to respect me enough to want to help out without my asking him to do so.
 

HE DOESN'T.  You need to look at the person he is, not at the person you want him to be.  You CANNOT change another person.  Couples therapy can't turn a bad relationship into a good one. I don't think what you need is couples therapy.  What you need is to find your self-esteem and put an end to this relationship.

Do you have really low self-esteem?  This thread is becoming just sad.  You are putting up with so much crap, and I must ask, why?????

You keep turning it around on yourself and saying things like "maybe it's me, maybe I'm being unreasonable, maybe I'm the one with the problem" and it just sounds wrong.  It sounds like you are lacking confidence and self-worth, and internalizing all this.  Stop being self-deprecating.  It's sad to lower one's standards like this.  You deserve better.

[Meraki]

5 hours ago, Els said:

Probably less than what you've already put up with.

Okay, great, but none of this answers the question: What does he do for you?

Ah, nope, this is complete and utter nonsense. Lots of us play WoW and have a good relationship, because we are sufficiently mature to treat it as a hobby and not an addiction. Playing for several hours every single day, yelling at "mom" because she didn't cook you dinner while you played... that's not the kind of behaviour you'd expect from a grown man, or even a teenager. He didn't quit WoW "for you", he had to quit because he's a manchild incapable of adulting or exercising moderation in his gaming habits. That's not attractive to anyone, not even to women who play the same game.

I suggest you ask yourself what exactly you are getting from this relationship besides apologies and sweet words. Remember, words are cheap. It's the actions that you should be looking at.

What does he do for me? Today he did more than usual. He went out and brought home some coffee and breakfast. He unloaded the dishwasher, wiped the counter, and he poop scooped the backyard. When I was tidying up the house, I asked him to make a list of groceries because we were low on food, he did that without complaints. We went to the store together. For a while, he was consistently doing most of the cooking with the agreement that I do all the laundry. That was our arrangement initially. At some point he said it was too much to always do the cooking. So I help cook. Oh my god. There's not a single chore he is solely responsible for. How'd I just realize this? Wow.

I am also a gamer, but I feel like I can prioritize the important things. 

You're right. Words are cheap. I say it all the time! Ugh. I am not sure how it has gone this far.