Work over relationships?

[Ami1uwant]

45 minutes ago, kleaners said:

I hadn't planned on responding, because I had heard all I needed to, but subsequent posts have pulled me out of hiding.

What's difficult is two people here said totally different things - one said texts every three or four days is appropriate. Another suggested they'd rather have regular exchanges to keep the ball rolling. When the people giving advice differ, how does that help me feel less confused than I already am? *LOL* That being said, I do plan on taking a slower approach with future matches and let them control the narrative.

There seems to be some confusion about the emotions I was feeling the other day. I wasn't devastated and defeated by this one person, but rather the multiple defeats I've experienced over the last year as I nativate my way through the dating pool. A year removed from a seven-year mariage and it's been a struggle to find a meangingful connection, whether it was her, me, or a mutual feeling.

Perhaps I came on too strong with this last woman and it pushed her away. She wanted to keep it casual because she had just jumped back into the pool herself. She had been working two jobs, but quit her second to give herself more time to date. I don't think she was struggling financially because she has a full time job and a tenant who pays half her mortgage. One thing she told me during her second meeting was when she likes someone, she wants to keep seeing that person. The fact she invited me out was flattering and perhaps I misunderstood what she said. Or maybe she truly felt she didn't have the time to dedicate to dating as she thought she did.

What's done is done and at this point all I can do is move on and try to be less intense and more go with the flow.

 

first off I think the line of too busy to date really means not interested

 

when you are communicating before dating— a lot of the expectations depend on each person.   Y philosophy is you get to the point of texting. You talk some you set up a first meet. Outside of logistics in merting you don’t communicate.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Buying the gift for her cats was your mistake, well not the specific mistake but an indicator of your mistaken thinking.

Here's the attitude you want to have: YOU are the gift. You don't do anything special early on but show up as your wonderful self. That's it. Either the person appreciates you or not. You don't work hard to impress them. 

What you also want to do is see if she is worth your attention. You're assuming she is. Why? That's a mistake. I don't see that this woman didn't anything so impressive that you're speaking of. She was a woman, friendly, and apparently decent looking. Figure out your standards. You want more than a woman who is pretty and breathing who seems a bit friendly to you. Right?

So you don't get your hopes up because you don't yet know she's worth of your hopes. You go on the date almost like an investigation. 

Don't worry: I've done what you've done at different times. Lots of guys and women get caught up in assuming the date is audition for them--as opposed to just a meeting! And at that meeting up in a text, she used the word "casual." That was your signal and you missed it. She apparently doesn't want anything serious with anyone! Not an insult to you, she isn't look for a serious relationship. If you are looking for such a relationship, you cut things right then and there and move on to the next person. 

You're doing the equivalent of feeling rejected when you applied for a job with a company that says it isn't hiring. They're not hiring. It's not you. 

 

 

Edited January 29, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[glows]

1 hour ago, kleaners said:

I hadn't planned on responding, because I had heard all I needed to, but subsequent posts have pulled me out of hiding.

What's difficult is two people here said totally different things - one said texts every three or four days is appropriate. Another suggested they'd rather have regular exchanges to keep the ball rolling. When the people giving advice differ, how does that help me feel less confused than I already am? *LOL* That being said, I do plan on taking a slower approach with future matches and let them control the narrative.

There seems to be some confusion about the emotions I was feeling the other day. I wasn't devastated and defeated by this one person, but rather the multiple defeats I've experienced over the last year as I nativate my way through the dating pool. A year removed from a seven-year mariage and it's been a struggle to find a meangingful connection, whether it was her, me, or a mutual feeling.

Perhaps I came on too strong with this last woman and it pushed her away. She wanted to keep it casual because she had just jumped back into the pool herself. She had been working two jobs, but quit her second to give herself more time to date. I don't think she was struggling financially because she has a full time job and a tenant who pays half her mortgage. One thing she told me during her second meeting was when she likes someone, she wants to keep seeing that person. The fact she invited me out was flattering and perhaps I misunderstood what she said. Or maybe she truly felt she didn't have the time to dedicate to dating as she thought she did.

What's done is done and at this point all I can do is move on and try to be less intense and more go with the flow.

 

Thanks for clarifying. I frankly don’t think you did too badly or did anything so horribly wrong. You are taking it pretty badly though and it may be from feeling burnt out from previous dates or people you’ve seen in the short time you’ve been single since your divorce. Many of us are divorced or have been divorced at one point just like you. Be good and kind to yourself. 

When dating online or using apps just know that you’re casting your net on a much wider radius with access to all kinds of individuals you may not normally meet in regular circles. A VAST number of individuals are going to say they’re one thing and show you something else, MANY are not self-aware and plenty of others still don’t even know what they want or are looking for. Take your time and don’t burn out overinvesting. I think it’s fantastic that you’re putting yourself out there and giving dating a chance.

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, kleaners said:

What's difficult is two people here said totally different things - one said texts every three or four days is appropriate. Another suggested they'd rather have regular exchanges to keep the ball rolling. 

To answer your confusion about ^^, I will re-quote what I posted earlier. 

>>"There is no list of "do's and don'ts" that can help you with this.  Such as don't call every day, give her space or any other so called tips. 

As every single woman is different and will respond positively (or negatively) to different things.

The changes must come from within you, your attitude, your vibe, how you present."<<

OP, it's best to stop relying on opinions from others when it comes to how often to text or call, etc.  

Listen to all opinions and incorporate what YOU think is best based on the interaction you're having with each particular women.

There is NO one size fits all, women are different and will respond in different ways.  Use your own judgment.

I am glad you have acknowledged that you've been a bit too intense, and plan on dialing it back.  

Remain detached from the outcome, enjoy and embrace the process, the journey.  Relax with it, have fun. 

I think you might see significant changes once you're able to do that effectively.

Good luck.

 

Edited January 29, 2023 by poppyfields

[kleaners]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

To answer your confusion re ^^, I will re-quote what I posted earlier. 

>>There is no list of "do's and don'ts" that can help you with this.  Such as don't call every day, give her space or any other so called tips. 

As every single woman is different and will respond positively (or negatively) to different things.

The changes must come from within you, your attitude, your vibe, how you present.<<

OP, it's best to stop relying on opinions from others when it comes to how often to text or call, etc.  

Listen to all opinions and incorporate what YOU think is best based on the interaction you're having with each particular women.

There is NO one size fits all, women are different and will respond in different ways.  Use your own judgment.

I am glad you have acknowledged that you've been a bit too intense, and plan on dialing it back.  

I think you might see significant changes once you're able to do that effectively.

Good luck.

 

Clearly my own judgement has failed me. *LOL*

[basil67]

@poppyfields is correct about different people wanting different things.  I see other women giving dating advice which, if done to me, would result in me deciding that he's not my guy.  

I would say the main thing is to listen to anything she gives you about what she wants.  And, in a case like this, if she doesn't want what you want (casual vs relationship) then thank her for her time and walk away.

[kleaners]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@poppyfields is correct about different people wanting different things.  I see other women giving dating advice which, if done to me, would result in me deciding that he's not my guy.  

I would say the main thing is to listen to anything she gives you about what she wants.  And, in a case like this, if she doesn't want what you want (casual vs relationship) then thank her for her time and walk away.

I really was okay with a casual relationship and letting her explore what was out there. Some people view casual differently, however. Some thing it just means hooking up. Others think it's just being open to meeting other people, but not that going out with the same person was out of the question. I should have asked her specifically what it meant to her.

[Alpacalia]

Agree.

That's why I pointed out not to abandon yourself completely. 

Glad it sunk in.

[NuevoYorko]

26 minutes ago, kleaners said:

I really was okay with a casual relationship and letting her explore what was out there. Some people view casual differently, however. Some thing it just means hooking up. Others think it's just being open to meeting other people, but not that going out with the same person was out of the question. I should have asked her specifically what it meant to her.

Really?  I think that you need to take responsibility for LISTENING to what people are telling you when you are meeting them for the first time and supposedly there with the goal of getting to know them and understand where they are coming from.

If she says "casual," you don't need a precise definition.  You can confidently proceed knowing that this means NOT daily contact, NOT multiple dates per week.  

You don't need extremely well honed social skills to slow your roll a little bit.  

[basil67]

34 minutes ago, kleaners said:

I really was okay with a casual relationship and letting her explore what was out there. 

Unfortunately, that's not the message you sent by bringing a dog gift, sending a photo of your niece and wanting to see her again quickly.    

And to go a bit off topic, I'd advise against ever sending a photo of kid to someone you barely know (be it your own child, or especially the children of others).   Not only are the children unable to consent to the sharing, but I reckon many of us don't get excited about photos of kids who we don't know.  

Edited January 29, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, kleaners said:

. Some people view casual differently, 

Yes, the semantics of "casual" is not as important as pacing yourself as far as texting and asking for dates. In this case it was a bit too much too soon.

Everything is "casual" until it isn't so defining it doesn't mean much until you date for a while and see where it's going.

Text in a paced volley like fashion and set up dates in advance and not too close together. That's more important than labels.

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Unfortunately, that's not the message you sent by bringing a dog gift, sending a photo of your niece and wanting to see her again quickly.    

And to go a bit off topic, I'd advise against ever sending a photo of kid to someone you barely know (be it your own child, or especially the children of others).   Not only are the children unable to consent to the sharing, but I reckon many of us don't get excited about photos of kids who we don't know.  

I 100% agree.

You may have acknowledged to yourself it was casual, but it's important to be cognizant of how your actions are being interpreted by the other person. 

Here, your actions suggested you wanted more than casual in HER mind.

Next time, before you act, think first about how that particular action will be interpreted by the other person.  

Ask yourself, how is this action going to come across to her?  

It's really not something one has to even ponder that long, it's instinctive.

Being socially aware is so important.  There are ways to improve your social awareness, so that many of the things you are questioning will become second nature and come naturally. 

Google is your friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 29, 2023 by poppyfields

[glows]

1 hour ago, kleaners said:

I really was okay with a casual relationship and letting her explore what was out there. Some people view casual differently, however. Some thing it just means hooking up. Others think it's just being open to meeting other people, but not that going out with the same person was out of the question. I should have asked her specifically what it meant to her.

It’s fine to let this go. She didn’t want to give it a chance. Similarly if she were into you she might have explained herself or given it a few more dates. Don’t take this too personally.

[ZA Dater]

On 1/27/2023 at 3:59 PM, kleaners said:

I'm feeling devastated and defeated right now.

I'm sorry not going to make it today. Ha d along day again and then a flat tire. I've also been thinking and I don't want to sound like your past experiences, but I also don't want to lead you into something that you don't deserve. I do enjoy spending time with you and I have thought that it can lead into something amazing, but I realized that I am struggling with a lot more than I thought I am, more than I can give anyone right now."

 also questioned why, if she thinks there's even the tinest spark between us, she would walk away from happiness? During our conversations she had mentioned quitting a second job because she wanted to spend more time going out and meeting people.

Was she just being honest with me? Was she trying to let me down easy? This isn't the first time someone has used work as an excuse not to be able to date - so I have to wonder, why are women putting themselves out there if they know they don't have time to dedicate to a relationship whether it be casual or more serious?

In my final text I offered to take a step back and just focus on weekend dates. I also left the door open to trying again if one day she finds her plate isn't as full.

I think a few things, in my view you cannot allow an interaction like this to affect you so profoundly, understandably you are disappointed and maybe even irritated. I think her text does not quite fit with her comment about meeting people but being someone married to work I can relate to her comment to an extent, wanting to do something and actually being able to do it are sometimes very different things. 

Yeah, I do think she was letting you down easy which is actually a compliment because it shows she did see the value in you as a person.

People fill their plates for different reasons and truthfully seldom out of need but rather to sometimes ignore other things which would be more profound if they had time to actually think about them.

As for intense, maybe that was an issue but you cannot bear yourself up about this, everyone will disagree with me but I believe that fundamentally there are things about our personalities we simply cannot change.

My advice see the positives in this interaction and ride that wave of positivity a bit.

[ZA Dater]

On 1/29/2023 at 11:05 PM, poppyfields said:

Remain detached from the outcome, enjoy and embrace the process, the journey.  Relax with it, have fun. 

This is very good advice, looking too far ahead really does not work very well most of the time, there are people it does work with but for many it does not, especially people who have many options because they tend to live in the now rather than looking to tomorrow.

OP the most difficult thing with a situation like this is to have judgement, its near impossible to read a specific situation based on any so called theory, each person is different so each person will react differently.

What you did do correctly was actually take a step, so pat yourself on the back about that, I could not have done what you did in terms of this interaction. Maybe you need to look at this as a good first step, yes the outcome was not what you wanted but there was some inherent positive in it.