Work over relationships?

[kleaners]

I'm feeling devastated and defeated right now.

Background:  I matched with someone Friday evening and we chatted a bit. We continued talking Saturday morning and since she lives locally I asked if she wanted to meet at the cafe in Barnes and Noble. She agreed and we spent about two hours talking. At the time she informed me she wanted to keep it casual as she was just getting back into the dating game. I said that was okay. We exchanged numbers and agreed to make plans to see each other again sometime during the week. Sunday morning rolls around and she asks me what I'm doing. I had nothing planned so she invited me to join her and her husky at the dog park. I said I would love to and decided to stop and pick up a container of tennis balls for her dog. A small gesture I had hoped would impress her. We spent about an hour talking and as we headed back to our cars I asked her out to dinner on Monday. She agreed. When I didn't hear from her that day, I reached out in the afternoon and asked if she was still interested. Despite a tough day at work that ran longer than anticipated, she still met for dinner. When I arrived back home she texted me thanking me for dinner. I replied that I was enjoying spending time with her. I didn't hear anything after that and for much of Tuesday. Tuesday evening I sent her a funny photo of my niece and she replied "she's so cute." I sent another message and asked how she was doing. No response. I decided to back off and didn't hear anything from her Wednesday. Thursday I asked if she wanted to grab dinner. She said she'd get back to me. When evening rolled around and I hadn't heard anything, I just made myself dinner. while eating she sends me the following message:  I'm sorry not going to make it today. Ha d along day again and then a flat tire. I've also been thinking and I don't want to sound like your past experiences, but I also don't want to lead you into something that you don't deserve. I do enjoy spending time with you and I have thought that it can lead into something amazing, but I realized that I am struggling with a lot more than I thought I am, more than I can give anyone right now."

During our first date she had asked why my last relationship didn't work out. I explained the woman I was seeing was struggling financially and felt she couldn't dedicate time to seeing me and wanted to focus on herself. My date had the same reaction as me - wouldn't she want someone in her life she can lean on when times are tough? In my response to her text, I asked her that same question. I also questioned why, if she thinks there's even the tinest spark between us, she would walk away from happiness? During our conversations she had mentioned quitting a second job because she wanted to spend more time going out and meeting people.

Had she just said I wasn't feeling a connection or I realized I don't have the time to dedicate to dating like I thought I did, I'd be more understanding. Hurt, but understanding. But now I'm just baffled by her comment "I have thought that it can lead into something amazing." I feel like I have more questions than answers. Was she just being honest with me? Was she trying to let me down easy? This isn't the first time someone has used work as an excuse not to be able to date - so I have to wonder, why are women putting themselves out there if they know they don't have time to dedicate to a relationship whether it be casual or more serious?

In my final text I offered to take a step back and just focus on weekend dates. I also left the door open to trying again if one day she finds her plate isn't as full.

[poppyfields]

33 minutes ago, kleaners said:

I'm feeling devastated and defeated right now.

Hi @kleanersI'm sorry for what you're feeling but it actually may be what's preventing women from connecting with you and wanting to move forward with you. 

You're too intense. 

You have had a couple of what I would refer to as casual dates with this girl, nothing more.

As such, feeling "devastated" and "defeated" is quite an overreaction and if your feelings are this intense after two casual dates after which a woman tells you she simply isn't ready for a more serious relationship (which must be what she was sensing from you), it's time to take a step back and do some internal work to determine why.

What you wrote about how you pursued her was fine, however I think she may have sensed a certain intensity from you and the vibe you project that scared her and/or turned her off. 

Just my take, I couid be wrong.  

In any event, work on managing your your emotions better so that such minor set backs don't devastate you too much.

I don't mean to invalidate what you're feeling but it's a bit over the top after two casual dates and I think your devastation now and the vibe you project on dates may be related.  

All the best moving forward.

Edited January 27, 2023 by poppyfields

[FMW]

Maybe she wants to date but needs more space (for work or whatever else) than she got the impression you were willing to give.  I'm not sure why she used wording (including "amazing") that would leave you feeling confused other than maybe a misguided attempt to let you down easy.

Whatever the reason, at this point I would suggest seeing it as a no go situation.  Don't waste time that you could be spending meeting other women waiting and hoping she'll contact you again.  Pay more attention to the fact that she has chosen to not see you now than to anything else she previously did or said.  

It sounds like this all unfolded over 6 days.  Feeling devastated and defeated after such a short acquaintance indicates you were putting far too much importance on the possibility of a relationship with her.  While you should enjoy feeling excited about someone new, don't count too much on anything coming from it.  It takes time to get to know someone and find out if the two of you are a good fit.  

 

[kleaners]

2 minutes ago, FMW said:

Maybe she wants to date but needs more space (for work or whatever else) than she got the impression you were willing to give.  I'm not sure why she used wording (including "amazing") that would leave you feeling confused other than maybe a misguided attempt to let you down easy.

Whatever the reason, at this point I would suggest seeing it as a no go situation.  Don't waste time that you could be spending meeting other women waiting and hoping she'll contact you again.  Pay more attention to the fact that she has chosen to not see you now than to anything else she previously did or said.  

It sounds like this all unfolded over 6 days.  Feeling devastated and defeated after such a short acquaintance indicates you were putting far too much importance on the possibility of a relationship with her.  While you should enjoy feeling excited about someone new, don't count too much on anything coming from it.  It takes time to get to know someone and find out if the two of you are a good fit.  

 

The devestated and defeated emotions stem more from the fact this is about the fourth person out of the last six I've either matched or gone out with who eventually said they didn't have time to date due to other things going on in their life. I just don't understand why people are putting themselves out there when they know they don't have the time.

Yes, this all happened in less than a week, but we were vibing pretty well based on conversations we had, plus there was the unexpected invite to the dog park which had me thinking she's at least interested in exploring something together.

I'm definitely not going to wait hoping she comes around, but I at least wanted her to know the door is open (for now) should she decide she wants to try again.

[kleaners]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hi @kleanersI'm sorry for what you're feeling but it actually may be what's preventing women from connecting with you and wanting to move forward with you. 

You're too intense. 

You have had a couple of what I would refer to as a couple of casual dates with this girl, nothing more.

As such, feeling "devastated" and "defeated" is quite an overreaction and if your feelings are this intense after two casual dates after which a woman tells you she simply isn't ready for a more serious relationship (which must be what she was sensing from you), it's time to take a step back and do some internal work to determine why.

What you wrote about how you pursued her was fine, however I think she may have sensed a certain intensity from you and the vibe you projected that scared her or turned her off. 

Just my take, I couid be wrong.  

In any event, work on managing your your emotions better so that such minor set backs don't devastate you too much.

I don't mean to invalidate what you're feeling but it's a bit over the top after two casual dates and I think your devastation now and the vibe you project on dates may be related.  

All the best moving forward.

See my response to FMW regarding my use of those adjectives. I definitely didn't give her the impression I was looking for more. I wasn't flooding her inbox with messages. The only thing I can think of that might give her the impression things were getting "intense" is the frequency we saw each other. But to me, keeping it casual doesn't mean not seeing the person.

[poppyfields]

35 minutes ago, kleaners said:

See my response to FMW regarding my use of those adjectives. I definitely didn't give her the impression I was looking for more. I wasn't flooding her inbox with messages. The only thing I can think of that might give her the impression things were getting "intense" is the frequency we saw each other. But to me, keeping it casual doesn't mean not seeing the person.

Your impression of how you came off doesn't matter; it's what SHE was sensing from you and your energy/vibe that matters, please don't dismiss that. 

NOT from anything you were doing or not doing. 

Even I, now, reading your posts, am sensing an intensity from you that no doubt you are not even aware of. 

Again your reaction of feeling devastated and defeated after two casual dates is proof of that. 

Look, you just admitted the same thing happened with the last four women.

I'm sorry but you are the common denominator here, something about you, your energy, your vibe are turning these women off.

Please at least consider my words, the more you post, the more I believe it's all related.

I'm sorry. 

Edited January 27, 2023 by poppyfields

[kleaners]

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Your impression of how you came off doesn't matter; it's what SHE was sensing from you and your energy/vibe that matters, please don't dismiss that. 

NOT from anything you were doing or not doing. 

Even I, now, reading your posts, am sensing an intensity from you that no doubt you are not even aware of. 

Again your reaction of feeling devastated and defeated after two casual dates is proof of that. 

Look, you just admitted the same thing happened with the last four women.

I'm sorry but you are the common denominator here, something about you, your energy, your vibe are turning these women off.

Please at least consider my words, the more you post, the more I believe it's all related.

I'm sorry. 

Of course I'm feeling intense because I think I did everything right and it still went wrong. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing wrong. Am I asking people out too frequently? Am I texting too much? But then if I don't text I never hear from the other person. If I take an aggressive or casual approach, both seem to be met with failure. THAT is what is leaving me devastated and defeated, not a few casual dates with one person.

[FMW]

I'm a woman, and I would be put off if someone I just met contacted me daily or almost daily.  My job consumes most of my time during the week, and going out on weekday evenings isn't something I would have time and energy for when getting to know someone new.  Additionally, I need space even in established relationships.  That doesn't mean there would be anything wrong with a guy seeking more contact at the beginning, it would just not be something I would want.  There are plenty of women who would love that, even expect that.  

Maybe you're matching with women who are more like me.  There may be something about them that attracts you, but bottom line is you're not compatible as far as contact needs goes.  Evaluate the criteria you're using to choose these women  to see if there's a hint there.  Also consider in the future slowing down the initial pace of how often you contact or see each other.  Allow a little space to build interest, especially if it's with someone who has a lot going on.   

[kleaners]

1 minute ago, FMW said:

I'm a woman, and I would be put off if someone I just met contacted me daily or almost daily.  My job consumes most of my time during the week, and going out on weekday evenings isn't something I would have time and energy for when getting to know someone new.  Additionally, I need space even in established relationships.  That doesn't mean there would be anything wrong with a guy seeking more contact at the beginning, it would just not be something I would want.  There are plenty of women who would love that, even expect that.  

Maybe you're matching with women who are more like me.  There may be something about them that attracts you, but bottom line is you're not compatible as far as contact needs goes.  Evaluate the criteria you're using to choose these women  to see if there's a hint there.  Also consider in the future slowing down the initial pace of how often you contact or see each other.  Allow a little space to build interest, especially if it's with someone who has a lot going on.   

And this is what is so confusing to me. Some people say they like daily messages just to keep things going between dates. Others don't. Okay, so which approach do I take? I feel like if I don't initiate contact, I never hear from people again. I'm just at a complete loss on what is and isn't appropriate.

[FMW]

That's why I suggested taking it slower at first.  Slower as in contact every 3 or 4 days.  I don't think 3 or 4 days would put someone off, whether they were someone who wanted frequent contact or more space. But there is no magical equation.

I think it would probably be more helpful for you to look at your recent experiences in terms of what the women had in common, what attracted you to them, what common actions you took with each.  See if there is any clue there.  

I know you're frustrated, it's difficult to say from the outside what's behind the issues you're having.   

[poppyfields]

OP, what you need is a change in attitude.  Your entire frame.

Determine your own style, your own groove regardless of what society thinks you should do or what you read in some self-help book. 

It's called having confidence, in your self, and what you offer. 

THAT is what is attractive to women and what I sense you're lacking.

When you're self-assured and confident, you won't give a rat's rear end what you're doing "right" or "wrong."

Rather, you will always do YOU and either a woman is on board and wants to join you on your journey or she doesn't.

If she doesn't so be, move on to next. 

THAT type of attitude is extremely appealing to most women!  Please trust me on that.

From what I sense, the problem is you are too attached to the outcome and care too much what people including women think.

Women can sense that vibe from you and it can be a real turn off.

Edited January 27, 2023 by poppyfields

[kleaners]

 

If anything, I was more confident than I had ever been. I asked for a date after a few chat exchanges. I actively participated in a solid back-and-forth conversation and asked for a phone number at the end of the date. I asked for a dinner date after the afternoon in the park. The only thing I can remotely think of that I did wrong was texting to often, but it was only that one message Tuesday and nothing Wednesday. Was I too aggressive asking her out on Thursday?

Have I made mistakes in the past, yes. Do I tend to let chats go on for too long before asking someone out on a date, yes. I'm doing better. One problem I have when trying to make a date to meet are the excuses - I'm sick, I'm too tired from work, I don't have a sitter. Yes, legitimate reasons for not being able to go out, and I'm more than understanding, but nobody ever comes back and says, this day and time works better for me.

I'm also trying to decrease contact on a daily basis. But I always find myself being the one to initiate conversations. I'm also getting tired of that, so I just stop texting all together and when I don't hear from the other person I take it as a sign they're not interested.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, kleaners said:

.  didn't hear anything from her Wednesday. Thursday I asked if she wanted to grab dinner. She said she'd get back to me. 

Sorry you're disappointed, but no one is too busy to date. Unfortunately she gave an elaborate version of "it's me not you". 

You did the right thing meeting in a timely manner. However texting too much can overwhelm so keep that more like a volley.

Especially asking women out the day of is almost certain to elicit a "no".  Particularly on work nights. Plan ahead. Pace yourself. 

Edited January 27, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Els]

Honestly, reading your post, it just feels like way too much too soon. This level of intensity is probably okay if the other person is matching it, but she clearly wasn't. IMO, you should have backed off and given it a few days after she didn't respond. Also, I don't know about you, but IMO it's waaaayy too last minute to try and plan a date the morning of. Might work if you were both young students living on campus, but not for working adults. Personally I prefer to make arrangements to meet at least a few days in advance, even for hangouts with friends.

[Alvi]

6 hours ago, kleaners said:

g. At the time she informed me she wanted to keep it casual as she was just getting back into the dating game. I said that was okay.

But you are not OK with being casual. I see this a lot in a women, and I assume it is the same for the men. A man tells a woman that he is not looking for anything serious and while she is not happy, she agrees to go ahead with this guy. No, she is not happy as she wants a long term relationship or marriage but she hopes that this guy is going to change his mind somewhere down the road. Basically, she is accepting whatever crumbs he decides to throw her way. I think in reality it rarely actually works out the way that the woman expects. So, same thing here. A woman tells you that she is only looking for a casual dating. Instead of saying that it fine by you, say no, I don't want a casual thing. I want a long term relationship. Thank her for being honest with you, wish her well and keep moving. Don't settle for less if your end goal is a relationship.

How well do you filter women on-line? Asking them what they are looking for probably needs to one of the very first questions. Also, you can usually get of sense of what a woman is like before going on a date. For example, you can get a sense of what her work schedule is like, kids babysitting plans, commitments, hobbies that take lots of time, etc...Not saying it is automatically going to work out, but this could be a way to avoid disappointments down the road.

I don't know if you are doing anything wrong, necessarily. There could be a pattern of you choosing unavailable women right from the start. Keep in mind, that on-line dating is so very difficult. People are flaky on a best day. Majority of people do multidate. You are probably competing with hundreds of other guys if a woman is young and a bit above average looking (the stakes are a lot higher if she is drop dead gorgeous). 

3 hours ago, kleaners said:

I'm also trying to decrease contact on a daily basis. But I always find myself being the one to initiate conversations. I'm also getting tired of that, so I just stop texting all together and when I don't hear from the other person I take it as a sign they're not interested.

Don't do that. Myself, personally, I liked when a guy kept in touch with me. I assumed that he wasn't interested if I didn't hear for a day or two from him. But you have to pick up cues that a woman is not interested. Don't overinvest early on  and always remember that interested people act interested. 

A right woman is not going to mind you coming strong on her if she likes you back. Well, within reason. 

Have you tried meeting women in real life like through friends or hobbies?

[basil67]

The woman you write about in your first paragraph said she wanted something casual.  But you approached it as I would expect from a guy who wants a relationship:   Seeing each other a few times per week, gifts for the dog, pics of your niece....it was all too much.

Work out if you want and only date women who want the same thing.  If you want a relationship, don't date a woman who wants casual.  

[Lotsgoingon]

She said up front she wanted something casual.

That means she does NOT want to see any new person multiple times a week. It means you do NOT want to buy tennis balls for her dog. You don't know her--and I'm sorry, gifts early on are a complete waste of time and money. I have never gotten interested in someone because they gave me a great gift. No woman has ever had iffy feelings about me and then in response to a gift developed strong interest.

Did you hear "casual" when she said that. That means no commitment. Actually that can mean sex. I'm not sure you're listening to what's being said to you.

Let me be blunt: when someone wants to go casual, I don't think they use the term "date." You're calling these meetings a date. Casual people just meet up or hook up with people. Date has potential. Casual means you have ruled out further potential. 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

I'm sorry but your level of intensity about this is wayy over the top.  It's not normal to be "devastated" about someone you went on two dates with.  After two dates she decided that you and her weren't a match and she didn't want to continue further.  That's it.  That's just the way it goes in dating and you need to take it in stride and move on.

On 1/27/2023 at 8:59 AM, kleaners said:

In my response to her text, I asked her that same question. I also questioned why, if she thinks there's even the tinest spark between us, she would walk away from happiness?

When someone you've gone on two dates with sends you a text letting you down gently and saying they don't want to see you again, keep your dignity and don't respond to it with pleading or negotiation.  It just comes off as desperate and pathetic.  Just accept what she has told you.  Whatever she said might not be the real reason.  When someone wants to end things with someone ,they very often give BS excuses that make it easier, when in fact the real reason might be that she's just not that into you.

On 1/27/2023 at 8:59 AM, kleaners said:

Had she just said I wasn't feeling a connection or I realized I don't have the time to dedicate to dating like I thought I did, I'd be more understanding. Hurt, but understanding. But now I'm just baffled by her comment "I have thought that it can lead into something amazing." I feel like I have more questions than answers. Was she just being honest with me? Was she trying to let me down easy? This isn't the first time someone has used work as an excuse not to be able to date - so I have to wonder, why are women putting themselves out there if they know they don't have time to dedicate to a relationship whether it be casual or more serious?

You are over-analyzing this way way way too much.

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I'm sorry but your level of intensity about this is wayy over the top.  It's not normal to be "devastated" about someone you went on two dates with.  After two dates she decided that you and her weren't a match and she didn't want to continue further.  That's it.  That's just the way it goes in dating and you need to take it in stride and move on.

When someone you've gone on two dates with sends you a text letting you down gently and saying they don't want to see you again, keep your dignity and don't respond to it with pleading or negotiation.  It just comes off as desperate and pathetic.  Just accept what she has told you.  Whatever she said might not be the real reason.  When someone wants to end things with someone ,they very often give BS excuses that make it easier, when in fact the real reason might be that she's just not that into you.

You are over-analyzing this way way way too much.

Exactly this!  And OP this same vibe is coming off on your dates too, it's all related.  

You keep fighting this claiming you're not intense on dates, blah blah but you're not them!

People have no idea the vibe they project to others, all they know is they continue getting rejected but don't know why.

There is no list of "do's and don'ts" that can help you with this.  Such as don't call every day, give her space or any other so called tips. 

As every single woman is different and will respond positively (or negatively) to different things.

The changes must come from within you, your attitude, your vibe, how you present.

And it's obvious at least to me you come too too intense, same as your reaction now (devastated and defeated) after being politely and kindly rejected. 

It was two dates.  C'mon.

Relax, chill.  Detach from outcome and embrace the journey.

 

 

 

Edited January 28, 2023 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

Having two great dates and being hopeful is awesome! Meeting someone you click with is always exciting. The experience is hugely uplifting in any context. There is nothing abnormal about disappointment. Devastation is an extreme reaction.

You can already tell that you're putting too much pressure on yourself. Focus on not doing this and you'll be able to avoid the "over keen" trap people fall into.

It's possible that you'll decide to call less or be less available with dating prospects in the future. Which might work for you in some cases. Don't abandon your ship entirely. It's difficult to get a true sense of compatibility if you don't communicate your needs or choose a dating style that works for you.

Whether her excuse is valid or not is irrelevant. When you ask someone out it is a yes or no question, and anything that isn't a yes is as good as them saying "no, I don't want to date you." 

What has worked for others in situations like that with a woman is to let her be and meet other women. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 1/27/2023 at 7:49 AM, kleaners said:

Of course I'm feeling intense because I think I did everything right and it still went wrong. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing wrong. Am I asking people out too frequently? Am I texting too much? 

This exchange happened at your first meeting:

On 1/27/2023 at 5:59 AM, kleaners said:

At the time she informed me she wanted to keep it casual as she was just getting back into the dating game. I said that was okay.

If I've followed your timeline, you had your first "date" after meeting on the following Sunday, right?  But then you started asking her out a lot.  Looks like you had dinner the following night, then you texted her on the next day, and tried for another date that Thursday.

Nothing "wrong" with any of it:  BUT THAT IS NOT "KEEPING IT CASUAL."

So, yes.  "Too much."  You were moving forward, driving your interactions with this woman towards a relationship, which she told you she was not ready to do right at the outset.

She said: 

Quote

I have thought that it can lead into something amazing.

I can see why you'd be confused, but my take on it was that she liked you and thought for a moment that MAYBE she was ready to get into something.  But as that week progressed, she realized that she was not.

And:

On 1/27/2023 at 5:59 AM, kleaners said:

Had she just said I wasn't feeling a connection or I realized I don't have the time to dedicate to dating like I thought I did, I'd be more understanding.

She did tell you right when you first met that she wanted to "keep it casual."  She did make it clear that she was putting her toes in the water of dating, as it were, and was not in the state of mind to move towards a relationship at that moment.

You did not choose to hear this.

Finally:  The fact that you are feeling "devastated and defeated" because of this outcome with a woman you'd been acquainted with for under a week, and who told you when you met that she is looking for casual dating,  is concerning.  You're definitely giving off very intense vibes and any woman who is not "all in" is going to feel like she needs to distance herself. 

As someone above suggested, PACE YOURSELF.  

 

 

[glows]

I agree with the comments on coming on a little too strong. When someone mentions casual it’s better to leave it on their terms and let them contact you about activities or plans. You tried valiantly and to no avail. She’s on a different wavelength, has other pressing matters. I would 100% take someone’s word for it that they are struggling. It’s also not your burden to take on someone’s issues if they are struggling.

Can you clarify that part about her personal situation? Quote below. She may not have been able to afford quitting that second job and she’s not looking for handouts. I would give someone the benefit of the doubt in needing to figure things out. 

Be a little more conservative in the way you pour your interests into someone. I think you’re very invested quickly and are holding on to previous dating experiences, feeling like it’s personal. 

On 1/27/2023 at 5:59 AM, kleaners said:

I do enjoy spending time with you and I have thought that it can lead into something amazing, but I realized that I am struggling with a lot more than I thought I am, more than I can give anyone right now."

During our first date she had asked why my last relationship didn't work out. I explained the woman I was seeing was struggling financially and felt she couldn't dedicate time to seeing me and wanted to focus on herself. My date had the same reaction as me - wouldn't she want someone in her life she can lean on when times are tough? In my response to her text, I asked her that same question. I also questioned why, if she thinks there's even the tinest spark between us, she would walk away from happiness? During our conversations she had mentioned quitting a second job because she wanted to spend more time going out and meeting people.

 

[NuevoYorko]

FYI, OP, a great many people who are on OLD have been out of the dating world for a while and are just testing the waters.   It doesn't mean that they are necessarily wasting your time but if they tell you this, you need to believe them.  It's up to you to take it from there.  

I was like that myself.  I'd been married and had not even imagined dating or any kind of relationship with another person for years.   I absolutely needed to experience dating for a while.  I hadn't actually really dated in my life, as my ex wife and I, when young, were part of a very tight and exciting friend group where we got together and ultimately married.   That was not "dating."  So in my 40s I found myself in uncharted territory.

TBH I definitely disappointed some people who were in a much different place than I was when I started OLD.   I was experimenting with dating - was open to something further but really not ready, until I was ready.   Anyone trying to drive things forward when I was pacing myself, I would stop seeing.  Ultimately I met my partner via OLD and the rest is history.  But it took what it took.

You are going to have to accept people coming from where they actually ARE.  You doing things "perfectly" is not necessarily going to change the outcomes.  You need to do your best and at the same time, listen to, respect and believe what people tell you.  And keep your emotions in check when you're dating - these women are ALL strangers to you; what you're there for is to get to know them and discover whether you think they'd be a good fit for you.  If you determine that they would, THEN your efforts at courtship should start.   Hopefully she will feel the same way about you - but if she doesn't, onward and upward.

[Alpacalia]

In the end, it worked out to be the best outcome for the OP.

Casual was what she wanted.

That's not what you wanted.

Not compatible.

It just so happened that you found out sooner. I'd say that's better anyway.

[kleaners]

I hadn't planned on responding, because I had heard all I needed to, but subsequent posts have pulled me out of hiding.

What's difficult is two people here said totally different things - one said texts every three or four days is appropriate. Another suggested they'd rather have regular exchanges to keep the ball rolling. When the people giving advice differ, how does that help me feel less confused than I already am? *LOL* That being said, I do plan on taking a slower approach with future matches and let them control the narrative.

There seems to be some confusion about the emotions I was feeling the other day. I wasn't devastated and defeated by this one person, but rather the multiple defeats I've experienced over the last year as I nativate my way through the dating pool. A year removed from a seven-year mariage and it's been a struggle to find a meangingful connection, whether it was her, me, or a mutual feeling.

Perhaps I came on too strong with this last woman and it pushed her away. She wanted to keep it casual because she had just jumped back into the pool herself. She had been working two jobs, but quit her second to give herself more time to date. I don't think she was struggling financially because she has a full time job and a tenant who pays half her mortgage. One thing she told me during her second meeting was when she likes someone, she wants to keep seeing that person. The fact she invited me out was flattering and perhaps I misunderstood what she said. Or maybe she truly felt she didn't have the time to dedicate to dating as she thought she did.

What's done is done and at this point all I can do is move on and try to be less intense and more go with the flow.