need ex to talk to me, but he's all over the map

[isabellaraviv]

My ex dumped me 9 months ago. It was really complicated, but according to him he was desperately in love with me, but got on with his life 3 weeks later with another girl who he ultimately dumped just a few months later. During the time he was with this other girl, he was always able to hold a conversation with me, text me back/call me back, etc. Now he seems to freeze.

 

We see each other everyday because he moved to where I live and I see him sometimes 3-4 times a day. We have a lot of mutual friends now, but he seems to stay away from me pretty well. he will not show up to parties I'm at, events that I will definitely be there, etc. When I talk to him and ask where he was since we had so much fun, he's always "tired" or "had homework".

 

He will talk to me in person. he says hi and tells everyone I'm his ex. When we first broke up, he suggested friendship and since I wasn't over him, i employed NC and said when I was ready. He waited for me to initiate contact, which he would always readily respond to.

 

Recently, now that we are here, sometimes he would initiate contact etc. When i told him not to misinterpret me as wanting him back, he stopped being so friendly, but still talked to me. I would ask him questions about my computer via the internet and he wouldn't respond, but would talk to me in person about it. After I said I definitely just wanted to be friends, he stopped even responding to computer questions period.

 

We got into a conversation a few days ago and I texted him a joke. he called me back RIGHT AWAY and the conversation was awkward and over in a few minutes. I was really, really surprised.

 

Now, i need to talk to him, but he's shying away AGAIN. Its like I make progress and then he starts to run with his tail between his legs. I REALLY need to talk to him about something and I sent him an e-mail saying I knew we weren't friends and it didn't matter if we were friends or not because I can accept that we're not, I would just like a few minutes of his time. Since I knew he wouldn't respond, I followed up with a phone call (his phone was off) and asked him to read his e-mail and let him know i wasn't ignoring this e-mail and i thought it had been long enough between the breakup and now that we could at least have an adult conversation. No phone call back of course. I told him he could wait to talk to me in person if he wanted. I haven't seen him yet because I've been sick.

 

This was today, so perhaps I should give it time. But I went to a function he was supposed to be at tonight and he was not there....so surprised. And its a fun thing, so he's punishing himself by avoiding me. I came home and he had been online for a while and was active, but I didn't IM him. So apparently he had no reason for not coming except that he would have to see me.

 

WTF?! Do I REALLY need to talk to him. I feel somewhat rejected again by him, but then I understand I have the power here. But what do I do? This conversation I need to have with him NEEDS to happen. We're going to be here with each other for another year, and this is painful. Its like a growth that won't go away. And ignoring it is not making it better.

 

What can I do? I suspect he's doing this because he regrets dumping me and/or can't handle seeing me doing fine without him...but its hard! REALLY HARD!

 

Any suggestions?

[fatcat]

You seem to be a smart, young lady with a good future ahead. Well, if

you hook up with this joker again, youre going to regret it. He's

a putz, let it go and find someone else. You still have the looks.

Youre a superstar and he's an usher at a movie theatre.

[J dub]

>During the time he was with this other girl, he was always able to hold a conversation with me, text me back/call me back

 

Why were you talking to him to begin with?

 

>When I talk to him and ask where he was since we had so much fun, he's always "tired" or "had homework".

 

Also known as "excuses"

 

 

>I would ask him questions about my computer via the internet and he wouldn't respond, but would talk to me in person about it

 

It's harder to avoid someone when in person.

 

>Since I knew he wouldn't respond,

 

Shouldnt this be a huge red flag that he doesnt want to talk to you? You can already predict he wont call back? That's not a good sign, if anything else.

 

>So apparently he had no reason for not coming except that he would have to see me.

 

This comment sums your problem up pretty well. He's avoiding you.

 

>This conversation I need to have with him NEEDS to happen

 

Are you sure about that, or are you desperately seeking something to use as an excuse to contact him? Be honest with yourself on this one.

 

>I suspect he's doing this because he regrets dumping me

 

Doubtful...if he regretted it he'd be coming to you, not the other way around.

 

>and/or can't handle seeing me doing fine without him

 

Are you doing fine? You seem to be pursuing him something fierce.

 

I'm sorry hun, but everywhere in your post is clearly stating that he is not particularly looking to talk with you. Is it possible you are trying a bit too hard to be in his life? He broke up with you, perhaps you should take that as your signal to move on and leave him alone. He'll come to you if he wants to...

[isabellaraviv]

well, he WAS talking to me and initiating contact before I said I just wanted to be friends. He still sometimes initiates contact in person, but not via anything else.

 

but no this conversation does need to happen.

 

He is still friends with/contacts all of his exes. I didn't do anything but be in a serious relationship with him and get dumped and then he came here and interjected himself in my social circle, but still tries to avoid anything I'm at.

 

I feel like that's a red flag he's having problems being around me. I don't bother him if we're at an event together, I barely talk to him. So it shouldn't be about him avoiding me because he's annoyed or angry because I did nothing. I've never hunted him down at an event and talked to him. EVER.

 

What I meant was in person, sometimes he'll bring up e-mails that I've sent...but he won't respond via e-mail. He will talk to me/initiate conversation about anything BUT our relationship.

 

I suspect he regrets dumping me BECAUSE he seems so proud that he dated me. He also has told a friend of ours he really cares about me, but is having issues being around me and doesn't want to be friends but won't say why.

 

To me, that shows that he's having a problem being around me. I know exes who hate each other, but that doesn't deter them from going to parties together, etc. they just ignore each other.

 

I didn't do anything and he apparently cares about me. The behavior began when I said I just wanted to be friends and never wanted him back. I feel like that's a clue. If he wanted me back, why would he try to be around me if I don't want him? I used to avoid him when I wasn't over him.

[isabellaraviv]

i also wanted to add, he used to call me as well after we were broken up. This whole avoiding me thing is new, buts its not TOTAL avoidance.

 

Also, you make it seem like he's avoiding me because I annoy him. In reality, we rarely talk when we are at functions together. usually he'll say hi to me and that's it. I never pursue him or press him when we're at functions together and I can think of another ex I have. I wouldn't avoid social functions he were at if he left me alone, the way I do my ex. I always give him space and never approach him first. He usually approaches ME first. We've actually had long conversations because I've asked him how he's doing just in passing and he'll take it as an invitation and will stop to talk to me.

 

So no, I think you have it wrong when you say he's avoiding social functions to avoid ME....because I don't even bother him there.

 

I haven't sent him a buttload of e-mails, the last one I sent was about being friends and that one went unresponded to. I also sent out a couple mass ones about computer help and he didn't respond to it, but told me in person the issue.

 

I also texted him after we had had a conversation HE initiated, and it was something funny I forgot to tell him. he then called me back right away, even though it was just a joke I wanted to tell him. So i didn't know off the bat if he was not going to call me back. I knew he wouldn't respond to the e-mail.

 

So I feel like your assessment is a little inaccurate. Yeah, he does make excuses for not being at events, but it seems a little weird to me that he'd skip out on a fun event where I will probably just say hi to him and leave him alone...well he'd even initiate a hello to me....so its like whatever.

[In Sync]

isabellaraviv

 

I'm sorry but within yours posts you seem to be making excuses and explaining why he isn't calling or seeing you. The point is he isn't going out of his way to be with you. Yes he contacted you while he was with another girl...I've been there and so I can tell you from experience, that's just

a cowardly guy exploiting the feelings of a person who loves him. Instead of hanging up on these jerks we ARE in such denial we think he still cares and wants to be with me. NO, in their minds they are being a nice guy who is throwing you crumbs of attention. And eventually he will get bored of doing that and doesn't want to play the game anymore.

No matter how much space you give your ex because you don't want to appear to be stalking, crowding or chasing him, he knows you are out there and if he really wanted to be with you he would not hesitate to make the effort. It's a hard fact to deal with. Slow rejection. It comes as hot and cold behavior but it's rejection. Your mission should you decide to confront this, is to move on.

Although you still have intense feelings for him, live with those feelings

andlet go of up hope of being with him. Get on with your life. If he truly loves you he will return.

[J dub]

In Sync totally reaffirmed what I was trying to get across. You are making up every excuse in the book for you and your actions, looking for clues and reasons behind his weird behavior. Fact is, when a man wants something he doesnt avoid it. I didnt say you annoyed him at all; if I thought that I would have said it. I think the truth is, you make him feel uncomfortable so he just veers in the other direction so as to "miss" you but not look like it was purposeful.

 

If you really didnt want to JUST be friends with him, you shouldnt have said that. I am seeing in your posts that you do want more than a friendship with him, otherwise all these lil clues and mishaps you are suggesting wouldnt make a dink of a difference.

 

Sure he probably was proud to be with you, generally when we care for someone for a long while with so much in our hearts, we tend to carry on that feeling with us for a long time after a break up. But that doesnt mean he is hinting around at wanting you back. I have said this before and I'll say it again: Men are pretty simple, cut & dry creatures. They say what they mean, and ask for what they want. They dont do the "question within a question" like women do, and they dont throw hints around about things like females do.

 

Time to let the fella go. My guess is, 90+% of the contact is initiated by you...and again if he wanted to find you he knows where and how to do so.

[isabellaraviv]

90%+ of the contact is NOT initiated by me.

 

And...I'm not sure what I want with him is my issue.

[J dub]

90%+ of the contact is NOT initiated by me.

 

And...I'm not sure what I want with him is my issue.

Welp that explains why were coming up with squat that seems to hit on target here, first we need a problem before we can try to entertain a solution.

 

Once you decide what you want, it'll be a lot easier on everyone. Including him.

[isabellaraviv]

yeah i know.

 

oh well, if it happens, it happens.

[isabellaraviv]

i also feel like you might be colored by your experience a little. Not all guys are cut and dry actually. I know quite a few from the "other side" who are not.

[westernxer]

I don't know what the heck is going on here, but it doesn't sound very encouraging, whatever it is.

[J dub]

i also feel like you might be colored by your experience a little. Not all guys are cut and dry actually. I know quite a few from the "other side" who are not.

"other side"?

 

I am generalizing actually.

 

westernxer, I dont know either which is why I'm done here.