New relationship has me thinking I'm crazy and I don't know if I am!

[Battlescarred]

So I started chatting to a guy online regularly around September - not my usual type, infact polar opposite and my friends encouraged me to match.  He initiated the conversation a couple of months before but it was stop start until September.  We met for our first date early October and got on - after a few dates I began to like him but still didn't see it as a long term thing but maybe a short time romance.  The relationship progressed to an intimate one and he seemed to have a different perspective and started suggesting that for him it was serious.  We chatted everyday and met a few times a week, he always pushed for me to stay over and we were in contact every day, multiple times a day, usually via text.  He is a lovely guy but for me there were a couple of red flags - firstly he was never off his phone, he is employed (offshore) and has his own businesses but he is very active on both instagram and snapchat plus he admits to having lots and lots of friends who are girls.  Secondly he has what I would describe as a party lifestyle and its common for him to be out with his friends - the usual late out early morning in but this happens not only at the weekend but on weekdays too.  After the first months or so he ended up in hospital and I spent 3 days visiting and he asked me to sit in when he saw the doctors etc and when he got home I visited every day to make sure he was OK - after he was better contact reduced and he went back to partying although he did push for me to be included.  I have met his friends and went out with them on a few occasions.  He wasn't driving for a while so I also helped him get about for his business etc but didn't mind as I am used to helping people.  He left to go offshore for the first time since we had been dating in the New Year and I was pretty sure communication would dry up but it didn't and he kept good communication multiple times a day until just a few days ago....this communication often involved videos related to relationships, marraige etc and he has already said we will be together for a long time/married.  I should also say he has dropped the L bomb and did this very early in the relationship.  I never recipricated and was very open about the fact that we were very different and that I just didn't feel he was serious or possibly faithful.  I am an overthinker by nature and suffer badly from relationship anxiety - although I am generally confident, successful and independant in all other aspects of my life - and this situation has sent me into a tailspin and I'm now really struggling.  I have obviously developed feelings but think that he is distancing himself now - I've helped him with a few things back home since he was away and am now thinking that I'm just not useful to him anymore and that everything he has said has just been lies.  I communicated with him this morning about my anxiety and although he replied with "we will be fine", "try not to overthink" and "long distance is hard, you have done well"  there was no affirmations of you can trust me or I'm not distancing myself - this makes me feel that hes just not interested anymore and to be fair I don't think I have the energy right now to deal with this and feel like I'm going to go crazy or already am!  So looking for all your advice, has this happened to you, whats your exerience, am I just totally overthinking or have I got a justified reason for being suspicious.....I appreciate that this is a long post and maybe doesn't clarify the situation well but any opinions, thoughts or advice would be greatly helpful at the minute!

[Alpacalia]

Your knowledge of him is minimal or nonexistent after four months. Moreover, you've made some pretty significant sacrifices yourself. You're unsure of him, so you keep him at arms distance. Any way you look at it, that won't bring you two closer. How soon did he say that he loved you? Telling someone that they love you and it not being reciprocated is a bit like a punch in the gut.

Having some uncertainty in a relationship is not uncommon, and it can even be fun at times. Surely you wouldn't want every aspect of your daily life planned down to the last second, would you? If it only lasts a short time, it is not a cause for concern. 

The state of uncertainty, however, can also be interpreted as a warning sign. When you find yourself feeling uncertain almost all of the time, even when things seem to be going well, then it may be an indication that there is something deeper going on than what meets the eye.

He has a what you would call a party lifestyle? It does not sound like you're in that phase yourself and doesn't appeal to you much.

[smackie9]

well if you you are getting anxious then you need to take a step back, and take a long slow breath....relax and let him come to you. To be desirable is to be less available. When you get obsessive/clingy, that vibe is probably what is he's getting from you and it's turning him off. 

[Calmandfocused]

Paragraphs please Op. 

I agree with your initial assessment of the situation: suitable for a short term fling, unsuitable for a long term relationship. 
 

Use this distance between you as an opportunity to move on from him. This one is not your guy. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Battlescarred said:

After the first months or so he ended up in hospital and I spent 3 days visiting and he asked me to sit in when he saw the doctors etc and when he got home I visited every day to make sure he was OK - after he was better contact reduced and he went back to partying

Was this related to his partying in some way? 

It seems you two have vastly different lifetstyles and that he is impulsive. I too would be anxious dating a man like this because he appears to move through life at warp-speed. It wouldn't work for me, personally.

I don't believe you are over-thinking. Your gut is trying to tell you something here. 

[poppyfields]

To answer your thread title "New relationship has me thinking I'm crazy and I don't know if I am!!"

Don't sweat it if you feel a little crazy, new relationships can do that sometimes, with so much uncertainty and ambiguity until things get defined which takes time.

Learn to become flexible with all the changing nuances (hot/cold, push/pull); these early dating experiences often do not proceed in a linear fashion.

Also, the issue with his confusing, some might call it conflicting, behavior is that logically you may think you should not continue, that it doesn't feel safe and secure, however the reality is that often times, it's this uncertainty that will increase your attraction and pull you even closer in.

I think it's very easy for observers not emotionally involved in the situation to say "move on, he doesn't make you feel safe," but when our interest and attraction level are high, as I am sensing here, that is a very difficult thing to do!

Plus I think it's unrealistic to expect a new partner to make us feel "safe."  Safety and security come later, when the relationship has been defined, you become exclusive and it becomes serious.

Anyway, hang in.  Step back and put things in proper perspective.  Detach from the outcome or try to.

Talk to him, communicate how you feel in a non-accusatory way, sometimes people need a gentle nudge toward the direction you would like the relationship to go.  Try to not make assumptions about him.

If after talking to him, nothing changes, then reconsider remaining in the RL.

Good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 24, 2023 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Battlescarred said:

  I don't think I have the energy right now to deal with this and feel like I'm going to go crazy or already am.

Unfortunately he doesn't seem like a good long term investment. You're basically incompatible. He seems to enjoy a single lifestyle more than relationships.

[JTSW]

Honestly, you don't seem a good match and I think you feel that way too.

He has a very wild and busy lifestyle which can feel intimidating.

Was he is hospital because something happened on one of these wild nights out?

He's not giving you the kind of reassurance that you need.

if your gut it telling you something is off then it probably is.

You don't have to stay with him to placate him, if you're not feeling it then take a break from him.

Take a breath and refresh.

[Battlescarred]

Thank you all so much for your comments/advice/opinions, they are very much appreciated!!  To answer a common questions - no his hospital stay was unrelated to his partying - it was a really bad viral infection that presented as possible appendicitis.  Oh and appologies for the lack of paragraphs in my first post!

As way of an update there has been really good communications since he has been away - he was in touch numerous times a day (text, phone and socials including videos and pictures of his family and what he has been doing) and he really did try to alleviate my anxiety around other girls and said all the right things.  We also had pretty deep talks and did speak about the future so  I now don't think he was using me however recognised that this could never be a long term for me mainly due to uncetaintly around his travel plans and his inability to follow through on his actions. 

To explain, he knows when he is technically off shore, but he doen't pre-book flights in case something comes up or his plans need to change for work.  This has meant that instead of being home as scheduled this weekend he is now away probably until the end of February - but again this isn't for sure.  I have explained that this doesn't work for me - I can't do uncertainty and what-ifs.  In a long distance I need to know there is some planning in order to schedule myself and make sure I try to maximise free time with my partner and that I would need this in the future.  Unfortunately he said he couldn't do this - he has intimated from the beginning that this is not how he operates - and he will never pre-book travel - so I told him that it just wasn't going to work and I think he agreed although he used that really annoying phrase "if thats what you want"!!!  Being the type of people we are then I  know this is final - we are not the type to go back and forth with each other.

Anyway as he is still away I have told him I will continue to help out with some things for his home and will be in contact with updates - but only these, I don't plan on contacting for anything else - once he arrives back I will hand his new keys over (I am the only one that has access to his property at the minute) and that will be the only contact I have from now on - although if I can pass the keys to someone else then I will as I think it would be better that way!.

I obviously am a bit sad however I had a gut feeling that we were just two different when we met and as usual it was right.  I should have walked away a while ago but nevertheless I feel that he is a nice guy and hope that everything works out for him. 

So its back to the drawing board for me again -  this being single and dating in your 40's is tough man but thanks again to this forum for being a sounding board when we need help, support and advice.  It really does help to be able to share the load :)

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Battlescarred said:

I have told him I will continue to help out with some things for his home

I would not volunteer for this. Tell him to arrange for someone else to manage these things and you will give them the key. 

And good for you for ending it. It wasn't going to work with your vastly different lifestyles and views of how a relationships develop. 

[stillafool]

I know it's sad but he is adamant that he isn't going to change his lifestyle for you and it's clear you don't love him too or you would have said it.  It's best to not get involved in the first place once you recognize the red flags so you're both right to end it.  Don't be his housesitter until he returns.  Let him get someone else to do that so you can make a clean break.