lifeasiknowit Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 I'm really insecure about dating (don't have much experience). I don't even know how to approach someone, or talk and carry a conversation. I just get tongue tied and really nervous. I'm fine if it's just someone I'm indifferent too, but not when I like the person. I have only been on one date my entire life (yes, how sad) and it didn't go too well, because I tend to put this shield up and I think it's palpable. I just give off this vibe. It's not like I want to be alone for the rest of my life, just fearing rejection, and making a fool of myself.
Walk Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 I'm shy, fear rejection, am anti-social, and well, you get the point... Best method I found is ask questions about the guy. He'll talk for HOURS about himself. I'm being a little sarcastic. But in all honesty, it does work. Ask him what he likes, what he doesn't like, favorite movies, sports, cars, family life... anything. And mimic his behavior. Think they call it mirroring. If he sits a certain way on the chair, wait 20 seconds and then adjust your position to match as if you're looking in a mirror. Don't be blatant about it, but if your subtle it works amazingly well. The person feels more comfortable around you because it seems known. Familiar. (If the guy tilts his head, you tilt your head. you get the idea) One word of warning. This may very well all back fire, and you'll end up with a self-centered egotistical prick who Only likes to talk about himself. That all comes down to how confident you are in yourself. I don't know where to get this elusive confidence thing though, so somebody else better answer that.
Walk Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 I'd rather get my brains blown out in the wild than wait in terror at the slaughterhouse If you identify with this, then why don't you practice it? I'm not trying to be hurtful. But love, or infactuation, is like everything else in life. If you don't take a risk you'll never recieve. Sometimes, the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward. And in my belief, it's far better to have suffered a broken heart and have known the joys of having your love returned, then to never have experienced it at all.
noclobber Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 If you identify with this, then why don't you practice it? I'm not trying to be hurtful. But love, or infactuation, is like everything else in life. If you don't take a risk you'll never recieve. Sometimes, the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward. And in my belief, it's far better to have suffered a broken heart and have known the joys of having your love returned, then to never have experienced it at all. I agree with Walk! You somehow got to express your interest. I believe that women are natural experts in giving subtle hints... I don't understand them or pick them, that's a different story ha ha ha. But you should make the effort. Your best bet would be to SHOW him and not TELL him that you are interested.
d.s. Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 My suggestion would be to get yourself involved in more social activities. Sounds strange ehn? The strategy is that people know people- and it is mainly the first few initial phases that make it hard to approach a guy/girl. By socializing, maybe one of your friends can introduce you etc... you can try to go out as a group in the beginning to get to know each other etc... As for the fear of approaching a guy- I have a fear of rejection myself ( for women of course!!) ... I still haven't surpassed it yet, but my strategy for getting introduced seems to be working just fine! Good Luck! d.s.
Author lifeasiknowit Posted November 4, 2005 Author Posted November 4, 2005 d.s. : My suggestion would be to get yourself involved in more social activities yeah, I don't get involved in too many social activities. I have two close friends, and one of them is kinda anti-social herself. I don't belong to any clubs at my univeristy. Mostly I go to school, work and then home. But I'm moving out on my own next semester, so I think that'll help me come out of my shell.
Milo Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 You girls are really cute. I remember being that shy when I was 14. It was such a pain in the ass having nothing to say and being unable to articulate what I felt like communicating. Part of being bashful I think is being too preoccupied with what others think about you. Do some embarassing things sometime just for the hell of it. Being goofy and confident is the way to be attractive. Plus, it frees you from the judgement of others. You win. At that same age I had this outragous, outgoing friend who would do just about anything in public. He would act stupid in hotel lobbies just for laughs. We would be in awe of his antics. He would have been a good actor I think.
WCCJESSE Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 If you like someone just ask what do you have to lose.Trust me i'm a 22 year old guy and got my share of rejections but at least i tried:D
Author lifeasiknowit Posted November 4, 2005 Author Posted November 4, 2005 I can sympathize with guys, because they are always the initiators, because it's expected, so they must deal with rejection a lot more than women. So maybe it's easier being a shy female versus a shy male. Milo: I remember being that shy when I was 14. So I guess you're over that now? For me, it's the reverse. I just became more and more introverted and shy. I was a complete extrovert as a kid, and progressively became more and more shy as I went through junior high and high school. High school sucked anyways. How do you guys respond when someone asks you out but you're not interested? I think guys have this thing where they don't want to hurt a girl's feelings (if you're straight, that is), not that men don't have feelings either. Anyways, I just thought about this guy who was in my English class last year, and we talked a few times and on msn. If a guy asks you a lot of questions about yourself, like what kind of music you like,etc., and asks you for your number and email, does that mean he's just being friendly? I have no clue. Because I had bumped into to him waiting for my train going from the university and though we were in the same class we never knew each other or talked, but we just started talking about our English class, summer courses, interests, music,etc., and then when we got off at the same stop he asked for my number and email, which I totally didn't expect. I was just assuming we were having a nice, friendly conversation, and that was it.
Aimée Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 Anyways, I just thought about this guy who was in my English class last year, and we talked a few times and on msn. If a guy asks you a lot of questions about yourself, like what kind of music you like,etc., and asks you for your number and email, does that mean he's just being friendly? I have no clue. Because I had bumped into to him waiting for my train going from the university and though we were in the same class we never knew each other or talked, but we just started talking about our English class, summer courses, interests, music,etc., and then when we got off at the same stop he asked for my number and email, which I totally didn't expect. I was just assuming we were having a nice, friendly conversation, and that was it. You got a lot of very positive signs. I often felt very ugly and thought I would never ever get someone to be interested in me. I guess, I acted so awkward and antisocial that people really didn't know what to do with me. I was older than you when I realized that a lot of guys thought I was attractive and smart. I still have problems really believing that someone I like could be interested in me, but I try to tell myself I need to relax. I do believe that when two people are meant for each other they will end up together and there's no need to worry so much about it now. If the guys doesn't feel he's the right person for me, it's probably because he's not the right person for me and I should calm down and try to find someone who does want to be with me. My problem was less being ugly and stupid and not nice enough, but the fact that I was unconsciously keeping people away by sending them negative signals or not enough encouraging signals to approach me. I was so afraid of rejection and being turned down that I had blocked most kind of advances by being too withdrawn and holding myself back so much, I often absolutely showed no sign of interest like eye contact, etc. because I was just so freaking nervous. I was afraid they would look back, I was afraid they would know that I looked at them and think I was interested in them, I was afraid they would know I was interested in them and reject, etc., etc. I still have problems with eye contact, but I also know you have to open up a bit and take a risk in letting someone know that you are interested in them otherwise they will not know that they can proceed further. In retrospect I think I can say that what I had perceived as desinterest or even rejection from guys was just their own shyness and insecurity, they didn't know if they should be friendly with this girl who didn't say anything and hardly looked at them. I've seen a picture of you and you really look cute. And from your posts I can tell you're a smart, reflective person, there's no need to assume that you will never ever find anyone. The only thing that is holding you back from being happy with someone is you. It would be a shame when the only thing that is preventing you from happiness are unfounded fears and anxities. I've been reading a book called "Feel the fear & do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers. She tells you that in order to overcome your fear you need to do the very thing that scares you, you need to push through your fear and do it, that's the only way of overcoming it. I highly recommend you to read it. Good luck
elijahBailey Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 IIf a guy asks you a lot of questions about yourself, like what kind of music you like,etc., and asks you for your number and email, does that mean he's just being friendly? I have no clue. : : and then when we got off at the same stop he asked for my number and email, which I totally didn't expect. I was just assuming we were having a nice, friendly conversation, and that was it. Awww man, I see yer really clueless ! :lmao: Ok, the lowdown: he likes you. At least enough to ask you for your number and email. You need to get out more often You're just too shy and probably freeze up when guys talk to you. To show the guy that you like him, you need to smile, like, a lot! And hold eye contact.
Author lifeasiknowit Posted November 4, 2005 Author Posted November 4, 2005 To Aimée: I know exactly what you mean. When I like someone, I will totally avoid the person. to EB: What is hard for me to figure out is why can't a guy be friendly without being perceived as flirting. The asking of the phone number & email, I guess was a dead give away, but before he had asked, it just seemed like we were having a normal conversation between two people. Also, I'm not used to having that happen, so hence my cluelessness. Most of the time I feel invisible to the opposite sex- too quiet, I guess.
joel Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 hey i'm almost 25 a guy and similar to u antisocial and few freinds, and never had a gf-so u not the only one out there. i am also chinese cbc. most asian parents don't even want their kids to date-till they have a established and finacially secure job, just stay at home and study and study. it could the reason to blame-strict parents. lot of ppl in college and youjng ppl just date around here and there and nothing serious so its not like ur missing out on much. 2 month or less relations. relationships take time and money-sometimes we don;t have time for that. work and school can be hectic and we live busy lives. my other freinds who is also anti social , no gf no nothiung -lost his virginity at a massage parlour place at 25 - he told me he felt out and depressed so he did it.whatever makes it for him
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