Chica2005 Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 Hi, I've been lurking on this sight for months and months. My H had an A almost a year ago. It is a long and convoluted tail as most are in regard to the initiation of the A, the life during the A, d-day, post d-day, as well as reconciling. We are reconciling and things are going very well. The ow was an issue for about six months but not because of H. She wasn't happy at the end because she felt betrayed and was very hurt. I always had empathy for her in that way. I felt betrayed obviously. I didn't have a lot of sympathy but I did understand her feelings. However, about six months of her anger much of it directed at me was painful. She endeavored to make me doubt H even more than I already did. She would say things like "don't look at me, look to your H", "I'm not the one who made promises to you". All of which is true. I didn't want to make ow the issue. I actually didn't think much of her in the beginning because H was the one I had to deal with from the start. Once she started playing games with me, she made sure that I didn't forget about her. She is much younger and I think most young people don't really think to far ahead or too deeply beyond themselves. They just react. Her story changed as well and that is what aggravates me. She went from having full knowledge to having no knowledge that he was married. She makes herself out to be the victim and that I'm evil. It bugs the hell out of me. I never deserved the crappy treatment I got from H but I deserved it even less from a complete stranger. I don't know her. I've never met her face to face but I've had to deal with her far more than I should have. She's been quiet now for a few months. I'm afraid to even believe that she will remain quiet. As far as how H has handled this behavior on her part, in the beginning he didn't do much but after a while he started to get mad. He felt that she was childish and that she didn't get the full implications of her actions. He did finally give her the NC letter since the NC phone call and face to face didn't work. He had put off the letter thinking that she would tire of it after awhile and ignoring her was probably the best reaction. He really didn't think he would have to do an NC letter because he really didn't think she would keep going. He's never had someone give him unwanted attention before. He figured saying 'we're over' should have been enough. It wasn't. When she couldn't get a reaction from him that is when she went after me. I was still very raw and of course it got my attention. Once I stopped reacting she kept taking potshots. Finally after months of that, she finally gave up, I hope. This isn't really what I thought I wanted to vent about..lol. I wanted to vent about some of the support groups I've lurked on for op's. I just get so sick and tired of the victimizing attitude of the op's who at the same time want to deny the bs their right to feel like a victim. I get just as tired of the villianizing of the mp. To me this attitude is as ridiculous as saying all ow/om are predators. We know that the predators are out there but the truth is most are people who went into it eyes wide open and chose their own pain, and that goes for mp and op equally. Op's lie, Mp lies...it's all the same. Ow has spent a lot of energy blaming H while he has never pointed a finger at her. He's only said that she knew what was going on and that she wasn't ignorant of the situation of his marriage. She lied to him and he lied to her about the status of their sex life (him saying that we weren't having sex, her saying that she wasn't having sex with anyone else) and as it turned out, they both lied. It was crappy of them both and they both need to either get over or forgive themselves and each other. I'm sorry if this didn't make sense. I'm pressed for time, tired, and like most vents it isn't really intended to make a logical argument. I just needed to get the rambling thoughts out of my head.
Aquarius Guy Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 Dear Chica2005, Venting helps clear your mind for the next logical step. I find that not telling other women bad thiongs about my wife, helps avoid getting their sympathy. Most single women are not looking for a married guy. But if a married guy plays the violin, like he is going to divorce his wife, then temptation begins, because the married guy, is about to become single. I suggest you ask your husband to not say anything negative to another woman about you. Get him a trustworhy coach, if he needs somebody to discuss his frustrations with the marriage. I have a telephone coach I use. I searched Satiation on this website, no hits. My idea is that many wives could do a little extra, and go a long way to keeping their husband's satiated, or satisfied, so temptation for extra-marital sex is minimized. Sounds like the NC Letter had a positive effect. I am intersted in increasingh tyrust of a feeling of confidence in respect from my wife. Are there any approaches you are using to building trust? Blessings
jonesgirly Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 Chica - venting is good for the soul. That being said, your real concern here is your relationship with your husband. Who cares if SHE lied to HIM during HIS lie to HER? Whether or not your husband "points a finger at her" is of no real concern. Does he point the finger at himself? He chose the mess, now he's got to clean it up. Her choosing to portray you as "evil" is nothing more than her frustration with your husbands behavior. Let her get over it herself. Its commendable that your husband has not "pointed a finger at her while she points one at him". However, that would be LIMITED commendability (is that a word?) considering that he was in full control of his zipper at all times! Maintain focus on the real issue at hand, not who gets to claim the "victim" ribbon at the fair.
Chica2005 Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 I was just venting. I rarely think of her now that she is silent but when I trigger everything comes back and that includes my anger at her. I have always, and mean *always*, held him accountable to me and his family. He is doing everything he should be doing. He's rebuilding our trust in him again. It is a difficult road as many of you I'm sure realize. I just needed to vent my frustration so I wouldn't think about it anymore. It did help and now I'm back to working on my relationship. As for satiating my husband, I'm not sure exactly your point on that. We've both had to work on meeting each others needs and we have done that rather well. I don't believe me being the one to meet all his needs, as if it were a one way street, is the way to a happy healthy marriage. He might feel great but I'd be miserable. As for focusing on the ow, now that I don't need to deal with her, knock on wood, she is of little concern for me. Though, when I trigger it is the whole package that I'm angry at all over again. My husband is doing everything imaginable to straighten out the mess he made for everyone. I've hit a major trigger point since we've hit the year mark. My mind keeps rehashing the facts as if it were d-day all over again. It has been a long hard year and I'm just now feeling a little freer with myself. I came here to get those thoughts out after I'd been triggering and didn't feel like going to husband one more time. I'm sure you can all understand. Thank you
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