Would love to hear experienced people

[Rayr]

My wife and I have been together for over 20 yrs and married for 17 yrs. We both met when we were at Universities and we are very close and open. Lately my wife’s sex drive has gone wild and she wants us to be a bit more adventurous. This after she watching fifty shades of grey and 365 days. She fantasise the idea of being watched and potentially going to a sex club. She is a very attractive woman and quite fit for her age and I love her confidence. She doesn’t like the idea of being with another man as she feels threatened by men. However. She like the idea of being with a lady. How do I go about it as I would love to make her fantasies come true? We are a professional couple with kids and have to be highly discreet. 

[central]

You can search for swinger websites and swinger clubs. With a little effort and patience you can find a woman. Of course, it's much easier to find single men than women. If she knows someone who might be interested, that would be more direct. If she just wants to be watched, go to a swinger club and have sex with each other - no one else has to be involved with that except to watch. It's low risk and will provide a lot of new experiences.

[Els]

12 hours ago, Rayr said:

My wife and I have been together for over 20 yrs and married for 17 yrs. We both met when we were at Universities and we are very close and open. Lately my wife’s sex drive has gone wild and she wants us to be a bit more adventurous. This after she watching fifty shades of grey and 365 days. She fantasise the idea of being watched and potentially going to a sex club. She is a very attractive woman and quite fit for her age and I love her confidence. She doesn’t like the idea of being with another man as she feels threatened by men. However. She like the idea of being with a lady. How do I go about it as I would love to make her fantasies come true? We are a professional couple with kids and have to be highly discreet. 

Are you two wanting to just have her sleep with another woman, or are you actually wanting a MFF? The former is a lot easier to find than the latter. For the latter, you are basically looking for a unicorn (I mean, that's literally the term... but they are also given that term because they are fairly rare).

[Will am I]

Sexuality changes in our 40s. Some women find a much bigger libido. Also the new found desire for experimentation seems to fit that picture.

 

Generally I don’t think bringing other people into the marriage is the right way. After the initial excitement it can create all sorts of problems. ranging from jealousy and resentment on your side to the sudden idea of finding her actual soulmate on hers.

On the other hand I would not categorically deny my wife to explore with another woman if she truly felt that’s what she needed to do. If she truly were bisexual and never got any room to explore these feelings, it could lead to major resentment later on in life.

In the very least you should have open conversation about both your needs, expectations and associated emotions.

[mark clemson]

People can have relative hyper- and hypo-sexual "phases" during their lives. I've also heard how women can sometimes develop a renewed interest in kinks and/or higher drive e.g. in middle age as well. So, (sometimes) a marriage that was founded on more vanilla sexual practices can be led towards more variety by the wife, which is perhaps counter-intuitive if one goes by more simplistic stereotypes.

At any rate, you might get in touch with your local kink community (if one exists in your area) and meet some folks, and perhaps look for ways to fulfill this exhibitionist kink and or engage in some threesomes. Keep in mind that those kinks are fairly common, but there are folks out there with (relatively) more extreme practices/preferences and generally they won't appreciate being "judged" for that. So, remember to keep an open mind and that no one will force you to do something you're not interested in yourself.

If you're thinking to engage in polyamory, you might also consider both reading "The Ethical Slut" which, despite the title is a fairly well-regarded book on how to practice ethical polyamory. Sex and emotion have a way of going hand-in-hand (including the negative emotions of jealousy and the like) so it's trickier than one might initially think to practice polyamory without ending damaging or destroying your "core" relationship. Despite initial excitement caution, planning, and "rules" are also called for, and even those don't guarantee avoiding a blow-up.

Edited January 25, 2023 by mark clemson

[Els]

15 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

At any rate, you might get in touch with your local kink community (if one exists in your area) and meet some folks, and perhaps look for ways to fulfill this exhibitionist kink and or engage in some threesomes. Keep in mind that those kinks are fairly common, but there are folks out there with (relatively) more extreme practices/preferences and generally they won't appreciate being "judged" for that. So, remember to keep an open mind and that no one will force you to do something you're not interested in yourself.

I agree with your post in general... but I don't think it would sit well with their local kink community if the OP and his wife literally show up at a kink community meetup and say "we are looking for a bisexual woman to have a threesome with us". Kink communities are generally aimed towards fostering a sense of community among people who share similar interests, notably kink in a broader sense. While of course not everyone will share the same kinks, and threesomes do indeed happen a fair bit... they usually happen between people who sort of know each other, who are passionate about kink in general and who share several kinks, not just "having a threesome".

I think a swingers' club might be closer to what OP and his wife are looking for, and even then, AFAIK (I'm not personally familiar with that community) there are very few "unicorns" hanging around waiting to have sex with a hetero couple, and infinitely more hetero couples looking for a unicorn. In general it's quite rare for single women to attend swingers' clubs alone. If you were looking to have sex with another couple or with a single man, you'd probably have more luck.

[Mrin]

Hi there! I'm one of the resident libertines so I can definitely help you out here. Okay there are a few things going on. 

Kink: so your wife's libido has gone to the roof after getting turned on by some bad portrayals of BDSM. That's totally okay. Believe me, millions of women got all sorts of wound up by watching those movies. High five yourself dude - at a time in life when a lot of guys are complaining about how their wives want nothing to do with sex, you have a wife who's burning up. That's damn cool. 

Okay with that being said you guys need to decide whether you want to explore the world of kink more. The whole girl on girl thing is a separate issue and we'll talk about that later. We are talking kink. Dominance. Submission. Bondage. Impact play. And about a million other things. Kink is absolutely awesome for some people. Like me. I can't imagine returning back to vanilla life. But diving into the world of kink can be pretty scary. Especially if you are the "trailing spouse". So one thing you can do to get out ahead of it is try to find if you have any kinks in common. I know you're like wanting to say, "Well I don't have any kinks Mrin". And that might be the case. But you don't know what you don't know. 

So let's find out. There are a couple of great survey sites that can help couples explore kink in a fairly structured way. Bdsmtest.org is a great one. Mojoupgrade.com is actually a little bit more accessible in terms of not freaking vanilla people out. Basically both sites ask you a bunch of questions and depending on your answers was how you were your kinks may be (and where they aren't). Think about sitting down with your wife and doing those surveys and then comparing your results. 

Here's the thing. Kink can be just a bedroom thing. Or it can be your everything. Like permeate every aspect of your relationship. Or anything in between. The key to kink is finding out what works for the two of you and then doing it really well. Together. I literally could go on and on about this but I think it's enough to point you in the right direction.

Sexuality/Lifestyle: okay so your wife also is interested in having girl on girl play. Obviously as a dude you can't scratch that itch for her. And you do seem open to allowing somebody else to scratch it. Okay - so that's a sexuality thing not a kink thing. I know from your perspective it all seems the same but it's not. You need to kind of think about this like a Venn diagram. You have a big circle which is called Kink. The other circle is called The Lifestyle (I'll explain what that means in a second). There is some overlap between the two. But they are not synonymous. It appears that your wife falls somewhere in or near that overlap. Right on! As somebody who is also in that overlap I can tell you that that's where the magic happens. Ha!

So what is The Lifestyle? Man I could write a dissertation on this and still probably get it wrong but it's basically a portion of ethically non-monogamous people who focus in on sexually interacting with each other (but no feelings or emotional connection). Another term is often "swinging" but that typically only pertains to heterosexual couples that are into swapping partners or playing with each other. Anyhow, it all gets rolled up under the term "The Lifestyle". 

The Lifestyle basically means people who want to have sexual interaction with other people outside of relationships and emotional connections. Case in point - you guys. Your wife wants to play with another woman and you are okay with it.

Getting to the lifestyle is super easy. The easiest way to do it is to go to a decent lifestyle club. They are private clubs and typically have a non-inconsequential membership fee that's good for 6 months to a year. And you will probably have to pay a nightly cover charge. You will want to go on a Saturday night. When you walk in you will be in the vanilla side and it will seem like any other restaurant or bar. Some are nicer than others. You will be surrounded by a bunch of middle-aged folks that aside from the skimpy club dresses on some women you would fully expect to run into at the PTA meeting.

The deeper you go the less normal it will feel. In the naughty areas of the club nudity, public sex, erotism will be happening all around you. No one is going to try to club you over the head and steal your wife. They are typically BYOB and you need to watch your alcohol intake. It's plenty fine to just go and hang out and socialize and watch. The vast majority of the people there are doing the exact same thing. Lifestylers are very social and friendly. In a way it almost feels like going to a mildly upscale sports bar where people are having sex on the table. 

Okay so let's talk about your wife's fantasy. She wants to get it on with another woman. Well the good thing is is that's pretty easy to do. As you socialize with people at the lifestyle club you'll find that a lot of other ladies like to play with women. If you meet a couple that you really like you can have a conversation and essentially negotiate a play session. The women will play together while the men will watch. Or any derivation thereof. You literally do it that way - "hey we want to play but only my wife wants to play with your wife. And I just want us men to watch and maybe touch our own wives. Is that okay with you?" In reality it's the women who actually do the negotiating but you get the point. That's a totally normal conversation to have in one of these clubs.

Here's the thing about the lifestyle. Think of it like learning how to ski a double black diamond or run a marathon. If you've never done either one of those things then it seems really daunting. So if you want to learn how to run a marathon or ski a double black diamond you have to start small and work your way up. 

So one thing you can do is decide you're going to attend a lifestyle club with your wife. Set a boundary that you're just going to watch and maybe play together. But not sexually interact with anybody on that visit. And then go see what happens. Once the "holy crap I can't believe I just saw that" reaction wears off it will start to feel kind of normal. And if it's something that you like you can certainly go back again and push the boundaries out a little further each time.

Okay here's the thing - The lifestyle will accentuate every aspect of your relationship. The good. The bad. And the ugly. So... If you guys are in a good spot as a couple you may find that your lifestyle experiences actually make things exponentially better. One of my favorite sayings is, "The Lifestyle, come for the sex, stay for the communication". And communication often dramatically improves. As does stuff like vulnerability and trust. The key is to do this together. Experience it as a couple. Not just you not just her. 

There's a great podcast you could listen to called "We Got a Thing". 

Anyhow I could go on and on about this. Just know that you are not weird. There are literally millions of other couples having the same sexual awakening. And this may open up a really cool amazing side of your relationship that you literally had no idea existed. Or it may just be a fleeting fantasy that in a week or two you guys both forget about. The cool thing is is that you can explore this together. Whether it is a flash in the pan or something more meaningful.

Best of luck!

Mrin

 

Edited January 26, 2023 by Mrin

[Mrin]

Lastly I just want to encourage you to check back in with us in your journey. You will find a lot of different opinions here at Loveshack. And most of us are very interested in helping anyone through their relationship journey. I'm just a dude who posts here but this is a fantastic resource for getting a lot of good insight into issues pertaining to relationships.

Okay now go get naughty with your wife. Ha!

 

[mark clemson]

On 1/25/2023 at 10:58 AM, Els said:

I agree with your post in general... but I don't think it would sit well with their local kink community if the OP and his wife literally show up at a kink community meetup and say "we are looking for a bisexual woman to have a threesome with us". 

You're probably right about that.