Rebounds..

[noclobber]

Wow, u r one wonderful person Walk!!

 

I am going to open up at the next available moment. Will immediately post on the boards and let you know what happens

 

u guys r great!!

[Walk]

Love the Avatar!!!

 

Hey. Just wanted to say, I wish you the best of luck!!!! You are one hell of a great guy, and this girl will be the luckiest lady in the world.

 

Good luck!

[noclobber]

Love the Avatar!!!

 

Hey. Just wanted to say, I wish you the best of luck!!!! You are one hell of a great guy, and this girl will be the luckiest lady in the world.

 

Good luck!

 

Walk,

 

It's OVER!!!

 

we met again after work and travelled together in the train. she kept pushing me to move to the city with her.. she even got some rental books and started looking out for apartments for me. after the journey when we were walking towards her car i opened up. here is the exact conversation:

 

me: "hey i wanna ask u something"

she: "what's it"

me: "i know that we are already hanging out but... would like to go out with me.. for real?"

she: <surprised> "No.. no... what do u mean?"

me: "i mean can we go on a real date?"

she: "no.. i just broke up with my boyfriend"

me: "so u need time?"

she: "no.. i really like hanging out with u but..."

she: "i am sorry..."

me: "that's okay... bye"

 

and then with a broken heart i was getting back to my apartment she gave a call:

 

she: "hey it all came out suddenly... me and boyfriend knew each other for 3 yrs and then dated for 1.5 yrs and i just ended it... so i don't want to be in a relationship with any man now"

me: "ok that's ur problem but i thought i got to be honest about my feelings for u"

she: "well i never saw this coming... i really enjoy being with u... i laugh a lot when i am with u.. but... i only appreciate having u as a friend"

me: "ok see.. i didn't want to rush things but i know that u r moving out of this place and i wanted to tell u how i feel about u..."

she: "i know... i just hope we don't feel awkward when we meet tomorrow at the train station"

me: "that's fine... u r already sick, u just go and sleep"

 

that's it Walk... it's over... i am fuming now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what the f*ck did i do wrong? what the f*ck she means that i am a friend????? bullsh*t... i don't even want to see her anymore... if i continue to talk with her and be friends then i am only going to be the biggest idiot... let her think that i am jerk but i am just gonna start NC right now...

[JS17]

You didn't do anything wrong noclobber, she just didn't have the same feelings for you that you did for her. It sucks dude but it happens. Nobody was wrong here. You were both really right for being honest with each other.

[Walk]

I know you wrote that last night, and not sure if you'll check this before you see her again today.

 

Damn, that didn't go well... at all. I'm sorry Clobsie, everything she's done points that she really does like you.

 

And she called you afterward to explain, which kind of surprised me.

 

I don't understand her statement of "only appreciate you as a friend." Did she say "only"? How could she not know that you liked her as more then friends? You take her to dinner and pay, you bought her that CD, you spend all your time together... How could she not know? And if she honestly really only wants you as a friend, then she's taking advantage of you. She gets treated as someone special, and you get very little in return. That's not cool.

 

It just doesn't jive with her making you promise to take her to Seattle next year, and calling you back afterward that night, and wanting you to move to the city too.... She's telling you one thing, and acting completely different.

 

I hate to give any more "suggestions" since it seemed to go so poorly last night...

 

But here goes. It might be best for you, if you point blank tell her that you can't just "be her friend". (Wait a few days or a week to see if she approaches you first.) Tell her that you feel too much for her already, and don't want to be 'just her friend'. Let her know you aren't looking for a "relationship" right now, but that you do want to see her on more then a friend level. Tell her its her decision and that she can call you if she needs anything, but that you won't be just another friend.

 

I think this is kind of harsh to do to a girl, but on the same side, if you just go along for the ride, your hearts going to get beat up pretty severly.

 

well i never saw this coming...

 

On the flip side, at least you woke her up to reality. Give her a few days to think on this. She obviously didn't think you liked her like that. This might've worked to make her see you differently. If it doesn't, then go with the above. Sometimes us girls need a slap to the head to wake us up to whats going on. This may have done it. Hopefully, and she'll realize she has a chance for something really good with you.

 

I can understand needing time after a long relationship, but that doesn't give her the right to lead you on like that. And you could either wait until she thinks she's ready, or tell her to call you when she thinks she's ready to date again. (I'd make sure she knows you aren't looking for a commitment, or exclusivity, just dating.)

 

I'm sorry it went so badly. She needs to realize how good she has it. I think she's taking you for granted, and thinks you'll always be there for her. If I had a guy like you, doing the things you've done for her, I'd make sure I grabbed on quick and never let go.

 

hmm.. however, I would've reacted the same way though under the circumstances. Blurt out no in surprise, then attempt to explain why I said no and that I didn't feel ready, and then go home and stew about it all night, and realize I did like you a lot, then wonder why I was so quick to say no. If you caught her off guard on this, then that could be why she said no. Give her some time to think on it. Be open to her. Meaning, don't act pissed, or mad, or like you want nothing to do with her right now. Try to be open, yet firm in your stand.

[Walk]

One last thing...

 

We show our true selves when faced with adversity. It's how we deal with these adversities that proves our strength.

 

Find the course of action that will coincide with the person you strive to be. Then follow that. Don't let any other influences stand in your way.

 

You're an intelligent man, you know what's best for you and what you want. Don't view it as a problem, it's an opportunity to show her who you really are. How we face a problem tells others more about us, then all the good times in the world.

 

She only knows one side of you, this is an opportunity to show her another. Whether that side is filled with strength and courage, or weakness, is your decision.

[noclobber]

You didn't do anything wrong noclobber, she just didn't have the same feelings for you that you did for her. It sucks dude but it happens. Nobody was wrong here. You were both really right for being honest with each other.

 

Thanks for the support JS17!

 

she just didn't have the same feelings for you that you did for her.

 

i don't agree with this! i know for sure that she has feelings for me.. i am not brash to ask out a girl that never gave me hints... this woman gave me a truck-load.. i don't know... i am broken and writhing in pain...

[noclobber]

I know you wrote that last night, and not sure if you'll check this before you see her again today.

 

Damn, that didn't go well... at all. I'm sorry Clobsie, everything she's done points that she really does like you.

 

And she called you afterward to explain, which kind of surprised me.

 

I don't understand her statement of "only appreciate you as a friend." Did she say "only"? How could she not know that you liked her as more then friends? You take her to dinner and pay, you bought her that CD, you spend all your time together... How could she not know? And if she honestly really only wants you as a friend, then she's taking advantage of you. She gets treated as someone special, and you get very little in return. That's not cool.

 

It just doesn't jive with her making you promise to take her to Seattle next year, and calling you back afterward that night, and wanting you to move to the city too.... She's telling you one thing, and acting completely different.

 

I hate to give any more "suggestions" since it seemed to go so poorly last night...

 

But here goes. It might be best for you, if you point blank tell her that you can't just "be her friend". (Wait a few days or a week to see if she approaches you first.) Tell her that you feel too much for her already, and don't want to be 'just her friend'. Let her know you aren't looking for a "relationship" right now, but that you do want to see her on more then a friend level. Tell her its her decision and that she can call you if she needs anything, but that you won't be just another friend.

 

I think this is kind of harsh to do to a girl, but on the same side, if you just go along for the ride, your hearts going to get beat up pretty severly.

 

 

 

On the flip side, at least you woke her up to reality. Give her a few days to think on this. She obviously didn't think you liked her like that. This might've worked to make her see you differently. If it doesn't, then go with the above. Sometimes us girls need a slap to the head to wake us up to whats going on. This may have done it. Hopefully, and she'll realize she has a chance for something really good with you.

 

I can understand needing time after a long relationship, but that doesn't give her the right to lead you on like that. And you could either wait until she thinks she's ready, or tell her to call you when she thinks she's ready to date again. (I'd make sure she knows you aren't looking for a commitment, or exclusivity, just dating.)

 

I'm sorry it went so badly. She needs to realize how good she has it. I think she's taking you for granted, and thinks you'll always be there for her. If I had a guy like you, doing the things you've done for her, I'd make sure I grabbed on quick and never let go.

 

hmm.. however, I would've reacted the same way though under the circumstances. Blurt out no in surprise, then attempt to explain why I said no and that I didn't feel ready, and then go home and stew about it all night, and realize I did like you a lot, then wonder why I was so quick to say no. If you caught her off guard on this, then that could be why she said no. Give her some time to think on it. Be open to her. Meaning, don't act pissed, or mad, or like you want nothing to do with her right now. Try to be open, yet firm in your stand.

 

thank u walk.. god what a mess!

 

I don't understand her statement of "only appreciate you as a friend." Did she say "only"? How could she not know that you liked her as more then friends?

 

that's exactly my question too!! i really believe that she has feelings for me... i know for sure... i saw that in her eyes.. we never really moved like friends. if i was her friend then she wud have talked about her LDR boyfriend and the problems that she was having with him. but she never even mentioned about that guy.. the only time she told was when she broke up with him. and i assumed that she was trying to hint something. now i think she likes me but for some reason she was quick to say 'no'... as she told she just ended with the other guy and i think she is scared to get into another relationship. that's what i figure from her sentence -> "i don't want to get into a relationship with any man now" and "i am not looking for a boyfriend now".. something is blocking her... if she looks deep into her heart she will know that she likes me but at the conscious level she is deluding herself.. i am her friend? my a$$... a girl telling to a guy -> "let's watch 'Office Space' in my apartment, its a very romantic movie" is friends??? bullsh*t... lot of people on the train think that we r a couple, sad that she doesn't realize it...

 

She obviously didn't think you liked her like that.

 

of course she knows that i like her more than friends... correct me if i am wrong but women are natural experts in finding out what's going on behind the scenes and picking up subtle clues...

 

It might be best for you, if you point blank tell her that you can't just "be her friend". (Wait a few days or a week to see if she approaches you first.) Tell her that you feel too much for her already, and don't want to be 'just her friend'. Let her know you aren't looking for a "relationship" right now, but that you do want to see her on more then a friend level. Tell her its her decision and that she can call you if she needs anything, but that you won't be just another friend.

 

completely agree... that's what i am planning to do.. i know very well that she will send an email and ask me for lunch.. may be i will have a heart to heart talk that time. if she is adamant in not moving beyond the friendship level then i will just ask her not to bother me again and walk off...

 

I can understand needing time after a long relationship, but that doesn't give her the right to lead you on like that

 

fair enough... if she wants time let her have it... i really don't understand this though. it was she that dumped that guy, not him! is it fair to deny a chance to a new guy just b'cos ur ex treated u badly???

 

whatever... let me see whether that woman makes an attempt to contact me. i will keep u posted on this Walk. thanks for being with me

[noclobber]

And she called you afterward to explain, which kind of surprised me.

 

Walk, can u please explain why u r surprised?

[Walk]

I was surprised, because if I didn't like the guy as anything more then friends, then would've just left it where it was after getting in the car. For me to call someone up after I got home and try to explain myself, and "soften" the initial reaction, I've gotta have more reason then "friends". For me anyway.

 

When I got out of a long (9yr) relationship, I had a few of my male friends suddenly blurt out they liked me. The ones I wasn't attracted to and had no intention of ever dating, I just said no thanks. And walked away. I didn't call them later, didn't explain, didn't care how they felt. They were my friends, but I didn't like them like that, and I felt calling later would lead them on more.

 

The two guys I did have some feelings for... The one guy was still really good friends with my ex, and I asked him to breakfast and explained my hesitation on dating him for several factors including his relationship with the ex. We had a long talk, hugged, and I've never spoken to him again.

 

The other guy, he made it clear he liked me one night. I got scared and ran, and that's when it really hit me that I liked that guy a lot. Suddenly I couldn't stop thinking about him. Wanted to see him. I tried to play it ultra cool, dont know if it worked or not. But I called him and we talked about it. We never officially called it "dating", but at one point he assured me that if I wanted him as just a friend, then he would always be "just a friend". But that meant no gifts, no dinners out, no long talks on the phone. Casual friends who hung out occasionally. He made it clear I couldn't have it both ways. But if I wanted more, then he would like that too. But he was really clear that I wasn't going to be the one tugging his chain until I felt ready to move on. It was either give it a go, or walk away.

 

I couldn't walk away.

 

Oh, and he was cool with taking it slow. He just didn't want his chain jerked, and I respected him so much more for that.

[Walk]

fair enough... if she wants time let her have it... i really don't understand this though. it was she that dumped that guy, not him! is it fair to deny a chance to a new guy just b'cos ur ex treated u badly???

 

I can understand needing time, even if she dumped the guy. But you said it was an LDR, right? She wasn't even living with the guy, or seeing him on a daily basis. So I can't see that she'd need time to explore who she is, or spend time "finding" herself. If she'd been living with him for the last 5 years, maybe. But you said she wasn't, right? So it would seem like she's had time to do other things, spend time by herself, and do things just she wants to do....

 

Crazy woman speak for "Oh my God, I don't know what to do!"

 

Are you going to have lunch with her if she asks? What if she doesn't?

[lilmoma1973]

Yep ive been one .. I was on the rebound of being hurt by my first boyfriend.. He took me and my friend home from work then got ready to leave my house and had to take my bestfriend home.. Well long story short he slept with my bestfriend and i dump his a@@!! I don't talk to my best friend to this day i should have known that she couldn't be trusted she slept with alot of guys but i trusted her boy was i dumb!! So his bestfriend started wanting to date me and so i did but i think i did it to hurt him!!

[noclobber]

I can understand needing time, even if she dumped the guy. But you said it was an LDR, right? She wasn't even living with the guy, or seeing him on a daily basis. So I can't see that she'd need time to explore who she is, or spend time "finding" herself. If she'd been living with him for the last 5 years, maybe. But you said she wasn't, right? So it would seem like she's had time to do other things, spend time by herself, and do things just she wants to do....

 

Crazy woman speak for "Oh my God, I don't know what to do!"

 

Are you going to have lunch with her if she asks? What if she doesn't?

 

hello walk,

 

yup as i expected she messaged me and asked for lunch.. i decided to meet her and tell it clearly that i want to be more than friends or else it's nothing.

 

so we met for lunch and started the conversation.. i asked her whether she had any feelings for me at all? she said no... i asked her again... and then she said "well i did have some fleeting thoughts"... but then again she said "no, i never had feelings for u and even in the future i don't see that happening". i got frustrated and made it clear that we can't see each other again... i cannot continue as friends. she didn't expect that and she was shocked. she started pleading me to continue as friends but i told her that it would very very difficult for me. and i once again asked her why she was not ready for new relationships... she said she is still broken from her most recent relationship... and then she said "let me tell u a secret.. i am very particular about religion. i will date only a jewish or christian guy" (her dad is jewish). at this point i though this woman is mad... and i said i can't see her anymore even as friends.. she literally begged me to continue as friends but i refused!!

 

we bid farewell... she gave a hug and said "if u change ur mind let me know we can be friends again".. i just smiled and left!!

 

drama over

[Walk]

"well i did have some fleeting thoughts"... but then again she said "no, i never had feelings for u and even in the future i don't see that happening".

 

That's bogus! Fleeting but she squashed 'em cause of her daddy?

 

i am very particular about religion. i will date only a jewish or christian guy"

 

Good job on standing your ground! And as stupid as it sounds, I guess it's better to know now, then invest more of your time and heart into her, only to have it hurt twice as much later.

 

I'm p'ssed at her though. Stupid girl. She wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and wacked her in the head! What the heck was she thinking? She took advantage of you, and your generosity. Hope she gets a clue from all this.

 

Sorry it didn't go well, noclobber. She's missing out on something really good, and sounds like she's hung up on the religion thing.

 

I think you're one hell of a guy though!! And I respect how you handled that. Open, honest and fair, all the way through. Wish there were more men like you in the world.

[noclobber]

Thanks for all the good words Walk..

 

As i suspected she did admit for a brief moment that she had some feelings for me.. But then again she reverted back to her adamant point that she never had any.

 

I was shaken when she talked about religion. I said "I thought I had left India long time back". I said that b'cos in our country there is this stupid thing called arranged marriages where people have to belong to the same religion. she said her grand-dad (jewish) died in world war II and so she is particular about marrying a guy of the same religion. my a$$, its 2005, go back to your caves and hide there....

 

well anyway Walk, thanks for all your support

 

i am confident that i will meet some sane woman in the future!

[Lishy]

Hey babyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

Oh I am so sorry I have not been on sooner to read all of this!!

 

She is a very confused girlie that is for sure!

 

You have done all of the right things and please dont beat yourself up about it honey. You wanted more and you asked for it.

 

Reading it all very carefully I would say that she really does like you and that she is attracted to you BUT there is something that she cant get past. It could be religion and this could reflect less on her and more on what her family would think. Maybe that is why she got so shocked. If it was me and i had no interest at all I would be pleased to get away from the confrontation of it and would not have called you ... BUT SHE DID!!

 

She has inner turmoil and you have no choice but to let HER deal with it. You cannot do anymore at this stage babe other than wait and see what SHE does. If she decided she really likes you then she will let you know.

 

I would love to get in her mind and tell you exactly what she is thinking but alas I cant so this is MY point of view.

 

If she didnt know you liked her previously then she is dumb (and i am sure she is not dumb!) If she knew you liked her and still carried on letting you pay for meals and such then she is not a nice girl!!!! She does not deserve you if this is what she has done honey.

 

Its so easy to say 'move on' but you do have to now give her a wide berth and let her deal with her own demons.

 

I wish you all the luck and love in the world with this one baby and I know how it feels to like someone and not have it returned .... IT SUCKS!!!!!

 

Bloody women eh ... Cant live with em .. Cant shoot em lol x

[noclobber]

hello lishy lish

 

thanx much for ur support...

 

Reading it all very carefully I would say that she really does like you and that she is attracted to you BUT there is something that she cant get past. It could be religion and this could reflect less on her and more on what her family would think. Maybe that is why she got so shocked.

 

yup i know for sure that this woman likes me but its just that she is so adamant and refuses to acknowledge it.. stupid girl...

 

If it was me and i had no interest at all I would be pleased to get away from the confrontation of it and would not have called you ... BUT SHE DID!!

 

yeah she called me up... and u know what's more surprising? she was literally in tears when i said i cannot continue with her as "just friends". she was begging me to continue with her as friends... i seriously don't understand this, i thought women wud keep their distance from the guy after such incidents.. but here its the opposite, i am asking for space and she is chasing me. today in the train station she saw me and came running to me. she said hi and stood very close to me as she usually does.. but i said that i can't sit with her and sent her away.. she felt very bad and left me alone. in her own words i am just her friend so why do u have to feel so bad that u can't be with me???

 

You cannot do anymore at this stage babe other than wait and see what SHE does. If she decided she really likes you then she will let you know.

 

nothing is going to happen lishy... she already told that even in the future she is not going to develop any feelings for me...

 

If she didnt know you liked her previously then she is dumb (and i am sure she is not dumb!)

 

yup she says it was a surprise but i know that's a lie.. ha ha ha

 

Its so easy to say 'move on' but you do have to now give her a wide berth and let her deal with her own demons.

 

seriously she has to look inside and come to terms with herself..

 

i have 1 question for both u guys... she is begging me to continue as friends. i said that it wud be difficult for me now as i see her more than a friend. but with time if i am able to get over that feeling then i wud contact her and continue again as friends.. but i don't know when that wud happen. she said "whenever u r ready just send me a message. we can start again as friends.. i will wait for u". i dunno whether i did the right thing. any suggestions?

 

thankx a lot lishy and walk, u both r such lovely dolls

[JS17]

she said hi and stood very close to me as she usually does.. but i said that i can't sit with her and sent her away.. she felt very bad and left me alone. in her own words i am just her friend so why do u have to feel so bad that u can't be with me???

 

She's a person, not just a woman. It would hurt anyone to lose a friend.

[Lishy]

The 'friends' decision is down to you hon. If you can handle being just friends then do it. Personally I know I couldnt do it. I think now that your feelings have been spoken about it will be a very awkward situation and that the friends tag cannot return until your feelings for her have faded.

 

No-one can say that they will NEVER have feelings for someone hon these things creep up on us out of the blue and hit us in the face. I dont want to get your hopes up but there is a CHANCE that she will miss you and realise she wants you in her life as more than a friend!!!

 

My only advice is to steer clear, let her have her space and you get yourself busy and try to get yourself over this one. Its crap baby i know but its all you can do.

 

Keep us posted Clobsie and we are always here for a chat and sum advice

[noclobber]

The 'friends' decision is down to you hon. If you can handle being just friends then do it. Personally I know I couldnt do it. I think now that your feelings have been spoken about it will be a very awkward situation and that the friends tag cannot return until your feelings for her have faded.

 

No-one can say that they will NEVER have feelings for someone hon these things creep up on us out of the blue and hit us in the face. I dont want to get your hopes up but there is a CHANCE that she will miss you and realise she wants you in her life as more than a friend!!!

 

My only advice is to steer clear, let her have her space and you get yourself busy and try to get yourself over this one. Its crap baby i know but its all you can do.

 

Keep us posted Clobsie and we are always here for a chat and sum advice

 

Yup.. that's exactly what i told my girl. To give me time and space so that my feelings for her die down.. and once it happens i will be back to her as a friend. i told her that i didn't want to hang out pretending to be friends while still holding all the feelings inside me... i just want to be honest to her and myself... if i can overcome the feelings i will get back with her but only as casual friends..

 

thanks for everything Lishy.. Walk and you are my angels

[Walk]

Clobsie,

 

This girl...is she the half-german, half-japense girl that you were talking about in your September post?

 

I was thinking, if it is, you're going to have one heck of a hard time not having feelings for her again if you later become friends again. It sounds like you're really attracted to her both physically and mentally. And I know it's really hard to not let feelings creep back in under those circumstances.

 

Tell her she's being ethnocentric. (J/k. )

[noclobber]

Clobsie,

 

This girl...is she the half-german, half-japense girl that you were talking about in your September post?

 

I was thinking, if it is, you're going to have one heck of a hard time not having feelings for her again if you later become friends again. It sounds like you're really attracted to her both physically and mentally. And I know it's really hard to not let feelings creep back in under those circumstances.

 

Tell her she's being ethnocentric. (J/k. )

 

yep she is the same girl!! and if u had noticed in that thread u can clearly see it was she that kept coming to me...

 

initially she was moving with me like a friend and even brushed me off once when she felt that i crossed the friendship line.. but that was nearly 3 months ago.. she changed dramatically as the days passed by and things took a turn after she broke-up with her BF..

 

well anyway it's all over now..

 

I was thinking, if it is, you're going to have one heck of a hard time not having feelings for her again if you later become friends again.

 

u r correct.. thats why i said to her i need lot of time and by then if i can quell my feelings then i can get back as friends... and that's not going to be any time soon..

 

tomorrow is the last day she will be on the train... i am bitter but as a gesture of what we both had for the past 3 months i have got a small gift for her (a book that she wanted to purchase). i will present it to her tomorrow..

[Lishy]

No baby dont give her anything. If it was me i would class that as emotional blackmail.

 

Let her go and if you are destined to be together it will happen!!!!!!

[noclobber]

No baby dont give her anything. If it was me i would class that as emotional blackmail.

 

Let her go and if you are destined to be together it will happen!!!!!!

 

lishy sugar, what do u mean by emotional blackmail? i am really not expecting anything in return...

[Lishy]

Well Clobsie what i mean is that you have made it clear how you feel, you have told her and shown her you want her to keep her distance .. Now you wish to present her with a lovely book! If I was her I would see that as too grande a gesture and it would make me uncomfortable.

 

Maybe others can give advice on this too as this is just how I would feel.

 

You are such a sweetie Clobsie she is a fool!!!!!!