MakeMeBeautiful Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 Here is the situation. I was dating Wes for a while. Then one day he called me to tell me that he wants to make things work with someone from his past so our relationship had to change. I was devastated about this. I cried and cried and cried. I met someone else and said yes when he asked me out. In the beginning the only reason why I said yes was because I didn't want to mope around and feel sorry for myself at home. I should like him because like everyone told me "he is qualified". The dates were good but I didn't feel any sparks. I attributed it to the fact that I just had my heart broken. I felt emotionally comfortable with him. While with Wes it was always an emotional rollercoaster. I started spending more time with the new guy and told myself that I would concentrate on making this relationship work. About a month after Wes and I broke up, he called me. We have been talking on the phone a lot. (He lives in Hungtington Beach, CA and I live in Colorado. About 1,000 miles away. So I haven't seen him). Initially we never talked about our new relationships. We agreed to remain friends. I care a lot about him. I think he is great and I appreciated his honesty with me. He calls me and plays the guitar and sing to me. We talk almost every day for hours at a time. Sometimes we end up reminiscing. I try to steer the conversation away from talking about old crap because it just gets me nostalgic and I feel that I am not respecting my new relationship and not respecting his. He would say stuff like "we did have some great times didn't we?" I agree we did have some great times together. A few nights ago he said, "girl, guess what? I am sitting in the exact same spot that we...(something sexual)". It makes me feel weird. I want to remain friends with him but it is so hard to not cross that line. One night I asked him if he would feel weird if I talked about another guy because he never wanted to hear about me and my past relationships when we were seeing each other. I told him I was seeing someone else and how I felt about the guy. He said that I need to stop trying to rationalize everything in my life. It is not a math equation. Leave my brain out of it and just do what feels right. And for the first time he talked about his girlfriend. I have to admit that after hanging up with him I felt more confused than ever. I was a little hurt. Maybe because I felt like the loser. He chose her over me and that hurts. If you asked me a few months ago I could not honestly say that I wanted him to be happy with his girlfriend. I desperately wanted him to realize that I was good for him and have him come back to me. Now I can honestly say that I am happy for him. I don't want him to come back to me. I still want him in my life. I can't say that I am completely over him. I realized this when he talked about his girlfriend. After that night I never talked about the new guy and he never mentioned his gf. Are we just kidding ourselves? Is this wrong? I try to put myself in his gf's shoes. If my bf was still calling an ex several times a week I would definitely freak out. I am not trying to break them up. I would never do that. After my first bf cheated on me, I made myself promise to never come between a girl and her man. Am I hindering my own healing by talking to him? Obviously I am not completely over him. Why are relationships so freakin hard?
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 Are we just kidding ourselves? You're just avoiding the inevitable and prolonging your agony. Is this wrong? Well, how's it been working for you so far? If what you're doing doesn't feel 'right' … then perhaps its the 'wrong' course of action for you. If something doesn't work, you'll eventually have no choice but to do it differently anyway. Am I hindering my own healing by talking to him? It doesn't sound as if it's helping you very much. Why are relationships so freakin hard? Relationships shouldn't be all that "hard." Only the bad ones are. Falling in love with the wrong person is easy … it's the letting go part (loosening up the death-grip) that most folks have trouble with.
Owl Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 Are we just kidding ourselves? Is this wrong? I try to put myself in his gf's shoes. If my bf was still calling an ex several times a week I would definitely freak out. I am not trying to break them up. I would never do that. After my first bf cheated on me, I made myself promise to never come between a girl and her man. You've already run your own personal litmus test on this and failed...really not much reason to seek more advice than this, if you ask me. You know what the answer is...so the REAL question is..."What do I do from here?" My guess is if you've already gotten the answer to the first question, you already know the answer to this question as well. Now you just need to make it happen....
Leid Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 honestly.. sounds like he's stringing you along, in case the rekindled old flame goes out. All the signs are there. You deserve better. You sound like a sweetheart w/ lots to bring into a rlp. Please don't let this guy play you. As for the new guy, the best rlps aren't always the greatest at first. Try to enjoy yourself, if not w/ him, then w/ other guys and enjoy your life for the beautiful woman that you are. I'm always very skeptical about men who "call up to say what's up" when they're supposedly in a rlp... deal with him accordingly and don't be "too available" for his calls. And PLEASE don't share any info about your current rlps with him!!! He probably smiled when you told him you're not into the new guy. That gave him some power over you. Try to be more mysterious and when/if he asks about anyone you're seeing.. ask him who wants to know? Let him leave msgs but don't return his messages.. let him "catch up" with you when he calls back.. cause he will. He had a good thing w/ you and he knows it.. please don't make it easy for him to get it back! Best of luck, Leid
Author MakeMeBeautiful Posted November 4, 2005 Author Posted November 4, 2005 i'm not concerned about me at this point. i am a big girl and can handle it. i care about this guy and don't want to lose him as a friend. what i am mainly concerned about is his gf. am i being the evil b***h if i continue to have these conversations with him? i think that some of the conversations that we have should be between gf/bf. is it impossible for us to be just friends because we already crossed that line? if you were in his gf's shoes, would you resent me? or if you are a guy, would you do this to your gf?
Leid Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 WELL... I'm sorry... I guess I misread when you wrote this: Am I hindering my own healing by talking to him? Obviously I am not completely over him. Why are relationships so freakin hard? Leid
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 If you were in his gf's shoes, would you resent me? Well, if I was aware of the conversations (assuming you're both keeping it a secret from your significant others ) … I certainly wouldn't turn a blind eye to the pink elephant sitting in our relationship lap. I'd tell my boyfriend that until he pulled his head out of his arse and got his priorities straight, I'm heading for greener pastures. As for how I'd feel towards you … well, women know women. Don't we? And any female knows that if there's a desperate, lonely woman circling the relationship waters (particularly an ex girlfriend) she's simply an opportunist waiting to strike and not the harmless platonic buddy she pretends to be. So let's all be honest, here. While part of me might feel pity for your desperation, I'd be dishonest if I said I wouldn't feel somewhat put off by the oh-so-obvious lack of regard on your part towards me. THAT part I would absolutely take as a personal slap to the cheek. I think it lacks character and class…and being the person that I am, I'd be ballsy enough to call your game to your face rather than behind your back to my boyfriend. No pretending to be nice and cordial just to earn brownie points from my partner. But that's just me. However, the greatest portion of resentment would fall on him. Since it's his ex-girlfriend, he's the one ultimately responsible for making the decision to cut those ties and put closure on his past relationships. If he wasn't willing to do that (on his own without waiting for an ultimatum) then he's certainly not the kind of adult I'd feel comfortable being in a relationship with. For me, it signals a MAJOR character flaw and means this guy is needy for attention and probably has some bizarre attachment/abandonment issues. Or … he's just a dog. would you do this to your gf? Would never, and have never played this kind of game with anyone. Would never string someone along like that, or use 'jealousy bait' to keep my current partner on their toes. Then again, I've never had any weird attachments to anyone I broke up with. Well...except in highschool. When it's over, it's over. And I certainly don't believe in turning old lovers into new best friends. It's been my observation that it just doesn't work, and someone always ends up hurt.
Sami_D Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 i'm not concerned about me at this point. i am a big girl and can handle it. i care about this guy and don't want to lose him as a friend. what i am mainly concerned about is his gf. am i being the evil b***h if i continue to have these conversations with him? i think that some of the conversations that we have should be between gf/bf. is it impossible for us to be just friends because we already crossed that line? if you were in his gf's shoes, would you resent me? or if you are a guy, would you do this to your gf? Hmmm. I think the most important thing you're saying is that he's trying to involve you in conversations that you don't feel are proper given that he's with someone new and you're supposed to be just friends now. I agree. Have you asked him outright why he's doing that? I think that it's perfectly possible to have a good 'friends' relationship with an ex, given the right circumstances and mix of people. I'm in contact with a few of my exes, and am living with one of them. BUT... if there was any suggestion of funny business from them, or major unfinished business regarding the relationship (not just pleasant reminiscing or whatever), then I'd just break off contact because it's not healthy.
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