Husband stood me up

[reminder]

Well heres whats been happening in my world, last thursday my hB asked if I wanted to go out to the movies Friday night, It sounded good to me and since it was my birthday weekend I thought it would be fun. Maybe I'd get spoiled. Well on my drive home from work I called him to see if he was still working or on his way home yet, and He was on his way home but he sounded like he was drunk, He said oh yeah everyone from work went out to lunch today at 1 and we were all drinking till 5:30, He started to tell me that he tried to leave but the new girl Leah who's in her early 20's wanted to buy shots for everyone and she called him a Puss* so he had to stay. (My HB is 44, and this is his first marriage now at 11 months) Well when I got home he was so drunk he could barely walk, I couldn't believe he drove Then he tells me he was the one to drive everyone back to the office. Well earlier, 2 months ago he told me a new girl started and he had to train her, and they go out to lunch together and sometimes breakfast but he says their some other guy with them.. In the past month he has been trying to loose weight and bought new clothes and now gets dressed up to go to work.

Well friday night we didn't go anywhere because he was so drunk. I wasn't about to start a fight with a drunk. He was so drunk and he started talking about one of his stupid buddies that lost his wife after he went away with the guys on a fishing trip on her birthday, he had the nerve to tell me how he thought his friend was such a jerk for treating his wife that way. I wanted to tell him he was no different but let him ramble, he continued to tell me that they were all at the bar drinking and Leah was trying to buy everyone drinks and she the partygirl and they didn't know how to hang.

well I went to bed and Saturday we didn't do anything because someone was hungover. Well since he was sober I told him how much of a jerk he was,he stood me up, and I got the I'm sorry I screwed up, forgive me I love you. Well we havent talked about it since that night. I guess I'm suppose to forget it.

Finally Sunday he went out and spent about $450 on my birthday gift, and $150 on dinner out of guilt.

I don't know what to do at this point, he won't talk about it, and I have emotionally detached from him. I've been ready to move out in the past few months. This isn't the first time since we married that things involving other women have come up. I feel like I am worth being treated better but I can't move towards doing anything. A friend of mine said he sounds like hes going thru a mid-life crisis. But I really don't feel like worrying about him anymore, he's self centered, She also said why don't ya have someone you know check up on him at work, he works outside. But that seems a little imature and stooping to a low level. Like I need to prove something with photos. So if anyone has advice. I'm here to listen.

[Walk]

I'm not sure I have much advice, but I'm sorry your H was such a jerk forgetting your birthday. I've had it done to me. My exH spent my birthday at the bar... and Valentines Day at the bar.... and then proceed to tell me all about the waitress and female bartender the rest of the wasted night. It's not fun, and it hurts like hell.

 

Ironically, I accidentally "forgot" his birthday that year and he was so upset at me he wouldn't talk to me for a day and a half. I was childish about it, but it made me feel better. At that point though I was over caring abut his feelings.

 

Don't think I have good advice though. Personally, if you aren't 100% convinced you're ready to leave, then you better put your foot down. Meaning, let him know right now, up front and in his face that you're not going to tolerate his behavior. That he's destroying your relationship. I'm not sure I'd give an ultimatium, but maybe implied. Strong enough that he's going to have to take a step back and re-evaluate his priorities. However, you're going to have to change too. For some reason he's not getting either the attention, or sexual needs, met. Or just not enough for him. There's obviously a problem here, and a majority of the time, it's not completely one sided.

 

I don't know if it's too late now for your marriage, or not. I know how much resentment I had toward my exH and I wasn't able to get over it. Then again, he only decided to believe there was a problem and take me seriously when I actually walked out. But I didn't walk out to get a point across, I walked out because I was done.

[reminder]

Walk, Thanks for your reply, It doesn't feel good to have your partner forget. I'm not sure I'm 100% ready to leave either, I've tried to put my foot down and it doesn't seem to work, The more I try the less he responds. I've tried talking, arguing and now just shutting down and unfortunately it seems like I need to get his attention by packing a bag and leaving but at that point if I'm ready to leave I'm ready to leave, I've explained to him how much he's hurt me in the past and present. Since we married I thought we would be building a life together. But we live like 2 individuals. We don't do anything together but exist in a house have dinner every night & go to bed. Hes not ready to have a bank account together, make decissions together, and build a future together. and I'm not sure I want to waste my time waiting for someone who's not available. You just can't force it.

As far as the sex life goes if anyones not getting their needs met its me. I usually want sex more than he does. I've even tried backing off and letting him iniate things and this is where we are. IN the beginning he was my world and I his, now I take a back seat to his friends. If anything I need to give him less attention and start doing for myself.

Its like were in a sick cycle, How do ya get past the being hurt and not trusting to work it out, you have to be willing to forgive and let your walls down to try again. I'm to affraid, hurt and pissed to let my guard down again to see if we can get past this. I've done it too often lately.

[lilmoma1973]

Walk, Thanks for your reply, It doesn't feel good to have your partner forget. I'm not sure I'm 100% ready to leave either, I've tried to put my foot down and it doesn't seem to work, The more I try the less he responds. I've tried talking, arguing and now just shutting down and unfortunately it seems like I need to get his attention by packing a bag and leaving but at that point if I'm ready to leave I'm ready to leave, I've explained to him how much he's hurt me in the past and present. Since we married I thought we would be building a life together. But we live like 2 individuals. We don't do anything together but exist in a house have dinner every night & go to bed. Hes not ready to have a bank account together, make decissions together, and build a future together. and I'm not sure I want to waste my time waiting for someone who's not available. You just can't force it.

As far as the sex life goes if anyones not getting their needs met its me. I usually want sex more than he does. I've even tried backing off and letting him iniate things and this is where we are. IN the beginning he was my world and I his, now I take a back seat to his friends. If anything I need to give him less attention and start doing for myself.

Its like were in a sick cycle, How do ya get past the being hurt and not trusting to work it out, you have to be willing to forgive and let your walls down to try again. I'm to affraid, hurt and pissed to let my guard down again to see if we can get past this. I've done it too often lately.

 

I too am doing the same you are i don't intiate sex anymore and he spends way too much time caught up making his band famous!! I am a backseat to his band and always have been pretty much!! I don't know if he will ever make it or he is just wasting his time on this band!! His members complain about the sucky gigs and they don't put flyers out or help get the band out so sometimes i feel in my heart these guys he are with are losers and the way they are they will never get no where!!! The band members use their practice nights as smoking pot and drinking and never accomplishing anything!! I am so tired of them wasting my h time and taking away from me !! So i know where you are and how you feel !! PM if you would like to chat:p

[rble618740]

The first nine months of my marriage were REALLY tough. My husband didn't work most of them, but he did spend money drinking and playing poker. I felt like I was carrying ALL of the load and he was having ALL of the fun. I was working my butt off to help us get ahead, and he felt like a cinder block around my neck. He went out with friends three or four weeknights per week, and I would lay awake waiting for him until the early morning hours. I would worry that he was driving our car while he was drunk, that he wasn't going to come home, that he'd do something dangerous when he did (like leave the oven burning from his late night snack). Even though I was the only one working, he couldn't even respect me enough to let me get a decent night's sleep. It got to the point where I became pretty convinced that my husband did not want to be married. That he regretted giving up his carefree single days. Then my husband wanted to start a business. I was supportive, but he wasn't bringing in any money so it seemed pretty impossible financially. We fought a lot and...9 months after getting married, he walked out. We separated.

 

I was devestated. I could not imagine how he had the nerve to walk out on me when I had so clearly been shouldering the lion's share of the marital load. Everyone, even his family, agreed. What could I do? How could I give any more? I don't know how I could, but I did. Oddly enough, when I stopped trying to convince him just how wrong he had done me and started listening to his side of things, I realized that - even I hadn't been perfect. Now, I certainly had legitimate complaints about the way he had treated our marriage - but I tried to address his complaints about how things had been. I waited while he decided whether he wanted to be married, essentially. Talk about "for worse." I couldn't imagine it getting any worse. It sucked. But...he decided to stick around and work it out. We went to some counseling. I gave more (though I didn't think I could or should have to) and...he started giving. And giving. And giving. He's become an incredible husband. We reconciled a year ago in August and I couldn't ask for a better mate. He's been incredible.

 

I tell you all of this to say, do everything you can (and then some) before giving up. You'll either have the satisfaction of knowing you did MORE than enough to try to save your marriage OR you just might get a better mate.

 

I'd be glad to answer any questions you have about my situation if it will help you.

[glittergurl]

It really sucks that he forgot / didn't care about your birthday. I guess he made up for it, kinda, but it still sucks.

 

You said you haven't talked about it since then, well, I think you need to have a long conversation with him. The lack of communication can cause this feeling of detachment. Communication is key.

[sumdude]

Your husband was a total ass for not being able to keep his promise and celebrate your birthday.

 

From the number of times you brought it up it's obvious you either suspect your husband is sleeping with this 'new girl' or you have some other issue about her.

 

 

" Well since he was sober I told him how much of a jerk he was,he stood me up, and I got the I'm sorry I screwed up, forgive me I love you. Well we havent talked about it since that night. I guess I'm suppose to forget it. "

 

So you did talk about and he apologized. I think he assumes that's it. Cut & dry unless you bring it up again. How is he supposed to know you still have a problem with it if you don't bring it up?

 

" I don't know what to do at this point, he won't talk about it, and I have emotionally detached from him. "

 

Does he know he's expected to talk about it or does he need Jedi mind powers to figure that out? emotionally detaching will most certainly make things that much worse. Punish him and drive him even further away.

 

" isn't the first time since we married that things involving other women have come up. "

 

What sort of 'things'? Actions? Suspicions ? Allegations? Premonitions? Paranoia or reasonable conjecture?

[Walk]

I have to agree with rbl###, and sumdude.

 

No dispute is ever one sided. Never. This is what I see. Your husband isn't getting the love and attention he wants at home. So he's either flirting to get that attention, or he's cheating. Sounds like he's just flirting right now. He's either trying to make you jealous, hoping you'll pay more attention to him, or he's just excited someone is actually paying attention to him.

 

Your feelings are valid, and understandable. He probably hasn't been as attentive to you, which has made you less attentive to his needs. But couples can't communicate when they're both attempting to force the other to listen. So, you have to be smarter and better, for the both of you.

 

So you can choose to be the better person, and cut your pride loose or cut your husband loose.

 

If you want a suggestion, go to Marriage Counseling. You aren't communicating effectively. Either of you. And actually try. I didn't and of course it was a complete waste of time.

 

Both of you need to come down off your high horses, and look at the reality of the situation. Divorce SUCKS!!!! It is horrible. I NEVER want to go through that again. It's not just leaving someone when you're dating. It's much, much worse. And this is coming from a woman who wanted the divorce. It was the worst experience in my entire life, and I haven't had the easiest life. Its a lot of pain, guilt, money, wasted time, broken promises, and a stigma you will never get out of.

 

Don't start thinking it's a bed or roses out in the divorced world. It's not. You've got a chance to work on what you have, and probably make it the marriage you wanted in the first place. But it's going to take a lot of hard work on your part.

 

That's my 2 cents worth.

[Walk]

Keep in mind I say all this after having my H forget my birthday, valentines day and anniversarys for 2 years. I felt I busted my ass to keep that marriage going. I tried everything I could think of, until I gave up and dissasociated. It's all down hill from there.

 

If I had it to do all over again... I know I didn't try everything now, and I didn't give as much as I could've, and we probably could've made it into a great marriage. And biggest: I know I didn't reallly listen when he talked. I heard him, I thought I understood him, but I was so wrapped up in how I felt that I never really listened. Both of you need to communicate better. Not just talk. Listen, and understand.

 

Anyway, I got what I put into it, and so did he.

[reminder]

Wow that was alot to take in. In reply to Walks last 2 replies. I guess your right no dispute is one sided. So I'm thinking about what you said. I'm trying to build a life with my HB and he doesn't seem to want to be a part of it. But I do think you are right I think he;s doing everything to make me jealous and push me away. and I don't understand why. I give him alot of attention. I pamper him all the time. Maybe too much. I think he's looking for attention from younger women and acceptance, I think its more of an emotional affair to prove he still has it and I'm sorry he's feeling older but it still doesnt make it right. I'm trying to be understanding but when we talk he's told me your right I was flirting with her it just habit I've been single a long time and I don't realize I'm doing it till you get pissed.But it keeps happening.

My problem is I don't know if I was part of his mid life crisis and this isn't what he really wanted. When I ask him he never really answers the question he just tells me don't leave and how he hated being alone and its so easy and natural for us to be together. But it hasn't been easy lately we don't do things together anymore because I don't like one of his friends. The drinking, drugs and swinging. I don't want to be around him his girlfriend and he choose's to still hang with him. All our other friends see whats going on and they don't want to be around him either. They've all told me to kick the hubby in the a#* and not just the women the husbands too.

I only other thing i can do is go see a marriage counselor.

[aloneinTX]

From your post it sounds as if H has his mind else where,

 

"In the past month he has been trying to loose weight and bought new clothes and now gets dressed up to go to work." Seems he is trying to win her favor and why does he speak of her so often?

 

My H went through all this while his A was fresh & new. Had to capture the affections of the GF. Maybe the 600.00 was a high amount for more guilt than you know about.