teethbrushes Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 I don't know what to do. I pray every night that I'll either move on or we'll get back and neither seem to be happening....and this is torture. Complete and utter torture! My ex broke my heart 9 months ago due to many different reasons. We were long distance, things were getting out of hand serious (talking of marriage and we were pretty young...well we still are!) and I was developing a disease where the beginning symptoms were only present so it looked like I was just lazy. He got a new girlfriend like right away (well, there was a period of a few weeks where he was still calling me, etc. and I told him to stop and then they got together), but he broke up with her about 5 months ago....He cited that he had moved on, but from the way he is, I really, really doubt it. He harps on things for ages. When we were together, he was crying and carrying emotional baggage from somethat that happened a year prior. And since we were SO incredibly close, I don't think he just washed me away so fast. I had a difficult time getting on with things because of my disease. I had to leave school and could not establish a routine because I was so sick. In and out of the hospital, etc. I'm not sure if he knew this was going on, but I had told him to stay the hell away from me because he obviously didn't care about me if he had moved on so fast (he was still regularly calling until I told him to go away). At that point in time, I didn't think I would ever see him again. he wanted to be friends which served his apparent purpose in calling. But I thought I'd never see him again, out of sight out of mind. So a few months roll by and I find out he's moving to where I live to go to my school. He asked our friends not to tell me. When I found out, I told him we would need to talk because the school is so small. He e-mailed back and forth with me before, during and after the break-up process with his newest ex...not about that but about us being near each other. He said things would be fine. Well, they were for a bit. We would sometimes hang out, he joined some organizations I was in, etc. and after hanging out with him, I missed our relationship, but felt that I had changed a lot over the summer and was a different person. I let him know that. I wanted him to not confuse my intentions with trying to get back with him. After that, any e-mail I sent went unanswered, but he would actively reply to text messages, phone calls, and would initiate conversation in person. But after I told him that I just wanted to be friends for now, it all came to a screeching halt and things got AWKWARD. He barely comes to social functions I am at, but when he does he looks like he's going to die....not a happy camper. Sometimes he'll stare at me. If he comes and I'm not there, people say he appears fine and normal. Its just when I'm there that he appears to not be able to "take it". People I don't even know will also say "are you so and so's ex?" and seem like its cool. Nowadays, he talks to me when we see each other and if I initate a conversation, he'll talk to me. i texted him a joke after a conversation we had and he called me right back. It was weird....and I didn't even expect a reply.... but my issue is I don't even know how i feel about this clown. Sometimes I'm desperately in love with him and sometimes I don't care. I can honestly say before school started and at the beginning of the year, I was truthful in not wanting him back. I was dealing with a lot coping with a normal routine and my disease, I felt that I had changed a lot and I had been seeing someone else for a while (who eventually in turn became obsessed with MY ex, which is why i don't talk to him any longer...he had issues with his own substantial ex). I actually felt over him for a long while and I hoped he was happy. I knew i would get weirded out when someone said he was cute, but I just wanted him to be happy. I even felt like seeing him with another girl wouldn't bother me. Well lo and behold, as the year goes on, I'm starting to really miss him. But then sometimes I don't! I want to talk to him and tell him exactly how I feel...how my behavior is probably weird and inconsistant because i don't know where I stand...which is why some days I'll stop and talk to him and some days I act like I've never met him. And i feel like he acts the same way. I really want to talk to him, but I panic everytime i get an opportunity. I tried to do a tactic where I called him and hung up while he was in class so he'd see he had a missed call and then he'd call and see what was up, but then he didn't call. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but he seems to get nervous when talking to me too and our conversations are sometimes long, sometimes short, but always about stupid things like what we had for breakfast or Greek Life or a raging party the night before. We have yet to have a substantial conversation NOT via e-mail about our relationship. I was talked out of trying to talk to him by a friend (who doesn't know him) who said that he will probably not want to talk about anything where he could get hurt since I rejected him. Understandable....but its bothering ME and I'm my first priority here. I mean I'm sure its weird for him to see me everyday, but he had control over the relationship. He could've come back at any time but didn't, so I feel like he has no right to play the victim. At this point I'm just at a loss. I was considering leaving him a message on his phone, but then if he didn't call back I knew I'd take it personally that he doesn't care about me at all. But that's not true....mutual friends don't get much out of him on the subject except that he cares about me immensely as a person and values me as his first love. But its like I can't convince myself otherwise. I know there could be a host of reasons why he wouldn't call me back...not ready to talk to me, doesn't have the maturity to handle this, thinks I'm not going to be begging for him back so why bother deal. My mom thinks that he is a symptom of some sort of deeper emotional issue that I need to work on, but I feel like this issue WAS sorted out and then he screwed it up by coming here. I feel like I'm back to square one, but no contact is near impossible. I feel like if I decide I do want to be with him, the relationship might work out okay because its not long distance, I have a handle on the disease and our parents are several hundred miles away. But how do I approach this without looking pathetic? And he won't respond to e-mails, only in person/phone calls, but I panic when this happens and all that manages to happen when we see each other is a "Hey...cool hat today dude!" How do I move on...and by move on I mean move on without him in my life as a boyfriend or move on WITH him in my life as a boyfriend.
In Sync Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 I feel like if I decide I do want to be with him, the relationship might work out okay because its not long distance Excuse me for sounding blunt but I picked this quote of yours because it seems to sum up for me your true feelings about the whole relationship. I think you've moved on since you broke up and now the contacts you have with your ex is an ego boost granted but going back with him and it might work out okay doesn't sound like love to me. It sounds like you're deciding on whether or not to floss tonight or not...it other words I don't get you're even excited at the prospect. 'okay' sounds rather blah and you're only settling because he was a "habit" you knew and because you've sort of move on and there's no one else in the picture you're contemplating taking up with him again. Stay friends but what would you be missing if you weren't in a relationship with him. Also if he broke your heart and met someone right away..his track record is sketchy. He may do it again if what caused him to do it the first time wasn't cleared up.
J dub Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 youre falling out of love with him. Its a slow process but you have all the symptoms.
Recommended Posts