What to do with a firebug?

[Iluvsiamese]

I am at my wits end here. My son comes by this honestly--his father is also a firebug and has fostered the obsession indirectly. I gave up on his father 2 years ago and have moved on. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I thought that we had gotten past this problem. However, my partner and I found burnt matches behind the couch and there was a recurrence today. This boy is 11 and I consider myself fortunate that he hasn't really been in much that could be considered serious trouble. However, I want to prevent such before it occurs and not after the fact. I am (I think) a fairly strict parent. I don't "do everything for him" nor do I give him (and his sister) everything. If there is something that they want, they often pay for it themselves. They have responsibilities to contribute to the household.

 

I have suspended priviledges (tv, playstation etc. have all been removed) due to this behaviour but to no avail. I have tried to make him understand the consequences of his action. He can follow the logic, but makes excuses that he can't help his behaviour. His solution is for us to hide the matches better but he admits that he searches until he finds them.

 

Does anyone have any ideas about where to go with this?? He has always been a rather intense child and this may be part of it--or not. I would appreciate any feedback.

 

Thanks

[Outcast]

Whenever you get into this sort of potentially criminal behaviour, it's no longer just a parenting issue, IMHO. You need to get that boy to a good kids' counsellor stat. A lot of these problems can be successfully resolved if they are dealt with when the kids are young.

[Iluvsiamese]

Thanks. You are echoing my gut feelings on this and confirming my opinion. I don't want to wait until there are huge consequences from this or other potentially damaging behaviour.

[Hot Coco]

I'd also try upping the ante, so to speak on the punishments. Some kids just need a heavier dose of it than others. If he has to sit in his room all week (no tv, no computer games) after school and he can't come out unless it's to eat dinner, I think he might think twice about it the next time.

 

I think at the most, he'll test you and try it again. But then all you have to do is impose that same punishment again..one week in his room. I think your problem will be solved.

 

Try it and let us know how it goes.

 

Oh, and I'd explain these consequences to him in a VERY calm manner. Just let him know in advance what will happen if he does it again. It won't be an easy punishment to impose but it's very important that you stick to it if you want to see results.

[Art_Critic]

I know exactlly what to do.. The same thing that my Mom did to me when I was 12 and was playing with carbide gas and fire..

 

My mom called the fire department and had the Captain make an appearance in the engine to my house and he sat me down and gave me the letcher of a lifetime..

 

Most people don't know this but the fire chief will do this as a public service..

 

Have him come out and talk to your son

 

It will work.. I am still embarrassed about it today 30 years later

[Hot Coco]

Oh and one more thing that's nagging at me. Why do I have the feeling (maybe I'm wrong, I don't know) that this has something to do with his father leaving. Does he get to see him? Because it sounds like a cry for attention. Boys this age REALLY need their Dads. (Although if his Dad has this obsession with fire, I don't know if being around him would be a good thing.) I don't really have enough info but just thought I'd throw that out here.

 

Just something to think about.

[Iluvsiamese]

Interesting that you should suggest this. They (the fire department) are on my list of people to call tomorrow. I am pulling out the guns here.

 

As for the suggestion to confine him to his room, I would find that next to impossible to enforce. He has been spending his after school time with his 14 year old sister. Since I can't allow this to continue, I will be getting an adult sitter to keep him supervised until I get home from work. I will find this difficult financially, but feel that I have no choice here. On top of this, he goes with his father on Saturday night and comes back home on Sunday. While he is there, he has open season on the computer, the net, the playstation, tv etc. He has come home physically sick from spending so much time with the electronics while his father watches tv.

 

ps: he began this behaviour long before his father and I parted company. Though trying to get his father's attention may have some bearing as he seldom paid much attention to the kids even then.

[Art_Critic]

Because it sounds like a cry for attention.

 

It may be a cry for attention Hot Coco but he is playing with fire.. One wrong flame and there is no houshold anymore..

 

My parents had been thru a divorce a couple of years before and I hadn't adjusted yet..

But I connected with the Fire Chief because he was older and had a father figure with authority..

 

He saved my mom's house

[Outcast]

I'd also try upping the ante, so to speak on the punishments. Some kids just need a heavier dose of it than others. If he has to sit in his room all week (no tv, no computer games) after school and he can't come out unless it's to eat dinner, I think he might think twice about it the next time.

 

This is a failure to understand that not all behaviours are simply behaviour issues. There may be an underlying problem that no amount of lectures from firemen or anyone else will fix that a professional will be able to sort out. I highly suggest that you still see a professional - if the boy is ok, no harm no foul. However if something's going on, you'll nip it in the bud.

[Hot Coco]

No, not ALL behavior issues are simply behavior issues but MANY are. I was only giving some alternate things to try. But certainly it wouldn't hurt to talk to a professional. This does sound like a serious problem.

 

Hang in there Siamese. Sounds like you're doing all the right things!