jef11399 Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 My ex and I have been divorced for almost 10 year. He initiated the divorce which was very painful for both of us. During the separation I had sense that he didn't really want the divorce either, but he never verbally expressed it. I didn't want the divorce either, but I had too much pride and felt bitter for him leaving me. Then I came around after I realized I was acting foolish, but he said he wanted to proceed with the divorce. I was very upset, but took him seriously, all the while he came around making excuses to come over - like talk about the divorce, pick up his things, etc. (he hadn't filed for divorce yet). During our separation I found out he met another woman. When I heard this I never felt more hurt in my life. I could not look him in the face anymore, yet I never confronted him. He eventually heard through a friend that I had found out - and came over my house to deny it. I was so hurt by his audacity that I slammed the door in his face. He ended up living a few blocks from me with this woman. I would often make a detour in my neighborhood so that I wouldn’t have to drive by his new residence. I was more than devastated by this time and completely, cut off all communication with him because it was too painful for me to talk with him. The divorce finally took place and one day he contacted me and we talked kindly, but yet the conversation was awkward (It was if we couldn't believe we were really divorced now). We never mentioned about having any significant partners in our lives, because it was inappropriate and much too painful at the time. However, we did end on a good note that day. I truly believed we would someday reunite or at least bury the hatchet. Then after a few months I called him, because my sister had gotten in an accident. I was so nervous that I only ended up asking him how he was doing, and then I mentioned my sister was recently in an accident. The conversation lasted maybe 5 minutes – then I hung up. I don't even really recall what was said. It was strange I admit, however I guess I still loved him. A few months later I got a message that he had called. I was glad and curious, so I returned his call, but ended up leaving a message. I asked if he was okay (I thought something had happened). Days later he called me back. He was so cold and abrasive and denied ever leaving a message, suddenly he said I should move one with my life, because he was and was getting married" I was dumb founded and blurted out a congratulations and suddenly hung up on him. After I hung up it had dawned on me that he thought I had made an excuse to call him. To this day, I don't know the truth if he truly did leave me a message. By this time I had already started dating someone, but I always had my ex on my mind. I was so angered by his rudeness on the phone that I sent him a letter basically telling him, I was fine, I had moved on, and he needed to let the resentment go. A year later I heard he was in my neighborhood, staring at my old house, parked in his car staring as if he was waiting for me to come home, and looking sad. By this time, my current relationship had gotten serious. And the strange thing about it is that I felt that I was okay with talking with my ex now. He moved out of town by the time I heard this so I never got to talk with him. I always wondered what he wanted to say or why he was in my old neighborhood. Here's the dilemma, I recently located him online. So I sent him a short email wishing him the best and glad to know he was finally happy. He had married that woman he met shortly after we separated, but I now don't feel any ill will at all. I’m just glad he finally found his happiness. I received confirmation that he received and read my email, but never got a reply. My husband knows that I sent the email and knows that I don't have a desire to rekindle this relationship. I wanted to be honest with my current husband - all I wanted was piece of mind. Although my ex and I were married approximately 7 years we never had kids together, but I would still like to know how he's doing. I'm happily married now and have always wondered how he's doing. Was it wrong for me to contact him after all these years? Did I step my boundaries? What do you readers think about him not responding to me? Do you think he still hold some resentment (even though he did the leaving), Was this a foolish act on my part? Should I let it go? To all you readers: I will not send another email, I'm just surprised by all this. I’m confused.
Scott S Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 You cannot undo the past, so the only value added in thinking about it is to avoid repeating past errors. You do have a relationship now, which deserves your undivided attention & loyalty. If your husband is OK whith your having contacted your ex-h, then there isn't an issue, as long as you move on & do not continue dwelling on it. You ex is part of your past, which is where he should remain. It appears that is how he feels about you.
Author jef11399 Posted November 10, 2005 Author Posted November 10, 2005 Thank you for your post Scott. I guess, my contacting him was a confirmation to me that I am able to look at things from a different point of view. Once I was so hurt, angry, and resentful...and could't talk with him without crying, but now I'm not. This is a good thing for me. Thank you for your input again.
Trimmer Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 I'm very much with scobro and Scott here. Closure is really a whole list of things we look for to move beyond our pasts: Acceptance/Letting go Forgiveness Understanding The Truth Ultimately, as dgiirl pointed out in another thread, true "closure" comes from within yourself, not anything that comes from outside. It's when you find peace and acceptance, can offer true, unspoken forgiveness to the other person, and can move on without lingering attachment, resentment, wondering, etc... And in that sense, it's something that you have complete control over. Yes, definitely move on. He isn't at all a part of your life, your mind, your heart any more. In any way. And you have someone imporant, here and now, who is all those things. He deserves all your energy.
scobro Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 It's when you find peace and acceptance, can offer true, unspoken forgiveness to the other person, and can move on without lingering attachment, resentment, wondering, etc... And in that sense, it's something that you have complete control over. I realise that I have not moved on yet I try to fool myself but I am not there yet.
Trimmer Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 You know, I really think that "closure" is an overly simplistic and overused concept. It's what reporters ask of the greiving families of victims of accidents or horrible crimes: "How will you find closure to this tragic event?" Well, you don't. We think we want to reach a place where we can shut a door and say all the bad stuff is behind it, but there's not really a single line that we cross or a given corner that we turn, but rather we take a journey, as changed people, into our future. The idea that there's some line in the sand that we step over and suddenly achieve "closure" - I don't know, I just don't buy it. What we do every day, is to take a step towards the future, while coming to terms - gradually, in many different ways - with the past, and we eventually get to a point where we look more confidently to the future, and more comfortably upon the past. But it's not "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." Part of making it into the future is accepting that we are changed people, and that we make our way by changing our future, not our past.
scobro Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 Part of making it into the future is accepting that we are changed people, and that we make our way by changing our future, not our past. Damn Trimmer you are a scholar.That is a perfect signature quote.How true that by changing our future makes us changed people not dwelling on or imagining how we could of changed the past.Great comment bravo(roar of 15,000 people)
dgiirl Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 You know, I really think that "closure" is an overly simplistic and overused concept. It's what reporters ask of the greiving families of victims of accidents or horrible crimes: "How will you find closure to this tragic event?" Well, you don't. Trimmer, I totally agree with you. My therapist had said something similar. People think closure is a single act and voila you're over it. But she said closure is more like putting a bandage over the wound. If you leave it alone, slowly it heals itself, but if you keep pulling the bandage off it'll never heal. That's why you cant be friends with someone you are emotionally invested in. You never heal the wound. As to the original poster, jef, it was nice of you to try and open the communication again with your exh. Atleast you know you've tried and now the ball is in his court. Who knows what he's thinking/feeling/experiencing right now, but it really shouldnt be any of your concern. I can empathize with you wanting to open the communication with him. At one point, he was a very important person in your life. You shared a lot of your dreams and goals with him and to all of a sudden have them out of your life is a little surreal. But you've moved on, built a new happier life with a (hopefully) better person! Your exh doesnt want to reopen old wounds and maybe it's for the best? Wish him well in your own heart and mind, and continue focusing on your life and your new marriage!
helena abadi Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 i agree. you can't keep peeling off the bandage to see if the wound is healing. leave it alone. it was just an email. obviously you were hurt by no response. but you both have new lives, so focus on putting energy and joy into your new one, and forgive yourself for the error of contacting him. if you forgive yourself, that's part of closure.
Author jef11399 Posted November 11, 2005 Author Posted November 11, 2005 Thank you all for your kind replies. 9 years ago I would have never thought I would contact my ex. I felt I could never or would ever speak to my ex again, because of the tremendous hurt, grief, and rage I felt. However, I eventually surrendered to the grieving, though it did feel forever, and at times it felt as if I was repeating the same grieving process over and over again. Many times it felt as if I was stuck in a particular phase (for only a short moment of course), but I did manage to get through it all. In this process I’ve learned forgiveness, accountability, and respect. I discovered myself in the process and boy was that ever empowering. I did not immediately jump into a relationship or marry out of fear of being alone (although deep down inside I was truly scared). Eventually I allowed myself to love and be loved again. Taking my time had certainly paid off, because I now have a husband that shares the same values and goals as I do. My new husband says he is grateful to my ex and what he left behind for him. Hearing that is flattering and wonderful. Now I realize, “Hey it’s all good. I'm doing fine now. I'm where I need to be.” I will definitely leave the past alone, because I'm sensing that my ex may have had a more difficult time with his decision. He immediately jumped into a relationship during our separation, but it is what it is. I never realized I would become the stronger one in hind sight, but there's no sense in ripping the bandage off a healing wound and I do hope he finds his peace. I really wish I knew about this site back then - it would've really helped my grieving process. As you all have, I hope I can encourage some other members too. Thanks again.
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