whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 Maybe we scared her off the site and her MM. I hope she's read everything we've said.
quankanne Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 Either she's mortified by our wake-up-call advice, or ignoring us because we're not giving her the answer she wants to hear. And I'm leaning toward the latter, simply because she sounds like she's already bought into this affair, emotionally.
Leid Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 Hi, In case you don't realize it... you've ALREADY started an affair. And based on what you've said, it will blossom. You seem hopeful. But I'd tread lightly w/ this doctor. I'm six months in my rlp and I don't get that "I can't live without you" talk.. how long have you known this doc? He seems to be moving a bit too fast..and that usu. means one thing. I don't understand what you mean by his sincerity. Is it because he told you upfront that he's married? Actually, that's bad, b/c if he tells you he's married and you continue on w/ him.. you're letting him know you're OK with being a side dish. It's up to you whether to continue the affair.
Author dietmint Posted November 4, 2005 Author Posted November 4, 2005 Thank you all so much for your advice. I've been taking the time to read them. Everything which has been said makes a lot of sense to me. I don't think I can trust this man to love me as he's claimed. You guys are right... As to whether I'm going to cut off all ties with him, I'm not too sure. I'd probably want to do it in a way which will not tarnish the friendship which has already been established.
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 The thing is, CAN you be "just" friends with this man now. What good can he bring into your life? What if you meet someone else and he has a problem with it? Being friends with him is just going to feed the emotional attachment! And, you say you don't trust him...So why be friends with someone if you don't trust them? The friendship is already tarnished because the lines were crossed. It can't and won't be the same as before.
jky68 Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 As to whether I'm going to cut off all ties with him, I'm not too sure. I'd probably want to do it in a way which will not tarnish the friendship which has already been established. This to me sounds like you want to keep the possiblities open. DON'T! You need to cut off all ties. If you remain friends, the tempatations will remain. It's too late to go back to just friends. You already want more. Let him go.
curly Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 She's gone, we've all been there. I recognize it. She's hooked. He's taken her... He will break your heart... when/if you come back here... we will never say "i told you so" . we've ALLLL done that, been there...... he's different..... you're situ is different.... yes we've all felt that. And yes, your's is a different twist (doesn't matter read the posts), but he's not leaving.... They don't. Yes, movie line..... but it's reality. About 99.9% don't leave. Read Old Europe's thread. Thats the MM that leave. If they don't leave in 6 mos., not gonna........ I can't explain in words how painful it is to get over a MM. It is horrible, the rejection. jealousy, abandenment (sp?)... unanswered questions.... why didn't he love me when he said I brought such joy to his lifl....... I feel pain as well..... He's manipulating you..... Say that again.........he's manipulating you & you know you feel it....Find strength to walk away.
Sami_D Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 we've ALLLL done that, been there...... he's different..... you're situ is different.... yes we've all felt that. And yes, your's is a different twist (doesn't matter read the posts), but he's not leaving.... They don't. Yes, movie line..... but it's reality. About 99.9% don't leave. Read Old Europe's thread. Thats the MM that leave. If they don't leave in 6 mos., not gonna........ Sorry to snip lots of things in your post that ARE very true, just to get to what I wanted to reply to, but. The OP didn't ask about him leaving. She clearly stated that that wasn't what she wanted. Some OW don't want the MM to leave. I haven't read any stories like that on this board, but there are OW who don't want to break up a marriage on glorybe.com. Regarding the idea that MM only leave within 6 months of an A starting up or never, well that's just not the case. Again, from reading the other forum, and posts here on the Infidelity board, it can be seen that MM do leave even years into an A. Personally, I know that the best friend of my ex's new gf (if you can follow that!) has been with her (now x)MM for seven years, he's been divorced for 2 of those, and they're getting married this year. So ... those hard and fast 'rules' don't appear to be true.
jky68 Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 Regarding the idea that MM only leave within 6 months of an A starting up or never, well that's just not the case. Again, from reading the other forum, and posts here on the Infidelity board, it can be seen that MM do leave even years into an A. Personally, I know that the best friend of my ex's new gf (if you can follow that!) has been with her (now x)MM for seven years, he's been divorced for 2 of those, and they're getting married this year. So ... those hard and fast 'rules' don't appear to be true. She's more likely to get struck by lightning. And even if he DID leave, the chances of them staying to gether are even less likely. If they get married, even more less likely. So yes, a few leave, but what happens afterwards? Usually nothing good. Why not wait until the divorce and THEN start a relationship? Don't get so involved that you end up getting so damn hurt. If the divorce never happens, it never would have anyway.
newbby Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 diet mint you may not want him to leave, but what you do want is to be loved and respected by him, or at the very least not decieved or manipulated by him. this, you will not get. you want to keep the friendship, take it from me, this doesnt work either. this "friendship" is another lie, an attempt to get into your pants. it is just as painful when you discover the friendship meant nothing as when you discover a physical relationship meant nothing. your emotions are already invested, the only way to stop is to end the friendship. i had a long friendship with my mm after the initial a ended and i thought we were close. he cut off the friendship very coldly. these relationships are rarely different.
Author dietmint Posted November 6, 2005 Author Posted November 6, 2005 The OP didn't ask about him leaving. She clearly stated that that wasn't what she wanted. Yes that's right Sami, when I found out about his interest for me and subsequently felt for him, seeing him divorce his wife FOR ME was the last thing on my mind. Ok let me tell you more about myself, I am 20 and I have a boyfriend who's studying overseas. My long distance relationship ain't doing too well but I still hold on to some hope that when he returns we'll get back fine together. No guarantees on that... but still I'm not one who'll settle down with a man 15 years older with 3 kids. I spoke to him over lunch yesterday and got to know him a lot better. I feel I've learnt a lot from his experiences and as of now I know I do love him. But I have not fallen -in love- with him.. (the way he has apparently towards me) In essence these are some of the things he said: He's beginning to feel a lot for me, care for me and he wants what is best for me. I deserve better than him. If he didn't care about me, he would have tried to take me to bed a long time ago. But precisely because he has started to genuinely care for me, all the more he wants to ensure that I am not taken advantaged of. He feels that everything in life should have a 'cause'. For example, we must all experience a 'sense of purpose' in everything we do, our careers, relationships, our beliefs... and it's no different with -our- relationship. He says he feels made used of by me cos he thinks that he's just hanging around to give me attention, make me feel good about myself and occupy my time while my bf is away. (70 percent of that is true) He says if anything were to blossom, we ought to at least be united in the notion that 'we were meant to be but time and circumstances have made it impossible for us to be officially married'. To that I told him, "I can't give any cause to this when I don't see how this can flourish to anything substantial. I have a boyfriend and I don't intend to leave him. You have a family and you don't intend to leave them. I wouldn't want you to either... And I know I can't expect anything from you because you have more important obligations to fill up at work and at home. I am not going to expect anything nor hope anything from you, hence I often psyche myself up not to be emotionally attached to you. It's a self-defence mechanism thingy. Please understand." I tried to dig out information about his wife. After much apprehensions, he admitted to suspecting that his wife is also seeing someone else at work. "When something like this happens, it's not as easy as filing for divorce, getting custody of the kids... it takes more than that. It's about the childrens' lives.." Yes! This is precisely what I understand. "At home, I function as 2 roles, a husband and a father. I haven't been a good husband but I'm sure as hell a good father." (I found out much later on that he didn't want to tell me about it because he didn't want me to think that he was starting this with me to get back at his wife.) He's told his Mum and his sister about me. I'm not too sure what they have to say. I believe he's really sincere about the way he feels for me. I enjoy his friendship a lot. Very good chemistry... and I believe he's got so many qualities I'd like to see in my future spouse (minus the infidelity bit.)
quankanne Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 as much as I hate on anyone's parade when it comes to loving or caring about another, I've got to say this: Honey, he's using some kind of reverse psychology to get you to "see" he's really not a bad guy, that he's doing the admirable thing to stay in his marriage, that you are not worthy of him, therefore making him into some kind of tragic hero to love … and you've fallen for it pretty bad. this right here is a HUGE red flag: He says if anything were to blossom, we ought to at least be united in the notion that "we were meant to be but time and circumstances have made it impossible for us to be officially married." he's already laid out the plans for your future affair, it's just a matter of time that you wholeheartedly agree to partake in it. If this man were truly your friend, he would distance himself from you, even recommend you find another physician as he battles his feelings for you because those feelings are toxic to his marriage and to his profession. Instead, he's wading deeper into the water and drawing you in with him ... if you're determined that you are not going to have an affair with him, you need to walk away pronto, because it's only going to get harder to say no the longer you feed into what he's telling you.
whichwayisup Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 I tried to dig out information about his wife. After much apprehensions, he admitted to suspecting that his wife is also seeing someone else at work. "When something like this happens, it's not as easy as filing for divorce, getting custody of the kids... it takes more than that. It's about the childrens' lives.." Yes! This is precisely what I understand. "At home, I function as 2 roles, a husband and a father. I haven't been a good husband but I'm sure as hell a good father." (I found out much later on that he didn't want to tell me about it because he didn't want me to think that he was starting this with me to get back at his wife.) You can't believe this. He thinks his wife could be having a fling too, but he's really not sure...Just assuming and honestly by him saying it outloud allows him to justify his intentions with you. Which is: You will be the OW and there for sex. Friendship too, but nothing else. It won't be a real relationship. He won't leave her and do you want to be stepmom? What I don't get, if he has NO intention of leaving his family - he says he's a good father why can't he be a good husband too? He hasn't tried to fix the marriage or be a good husband. He's taking the easy way out and looking outside of his marriage. He's told his Mum and his sister about me. I'm not too sure what they have to say. I believe he's really sincere about the way he feels for me. I enjoy his friendship a lot. Very good chemistry... and I believe he's got so many qualities I'd like to see in my future spouse (minus the infidelity bit.) I wouldn't believe that he told his mom and sister. Sorry, he's telling you that so you will feel secure with him. I'm sure he's sincere about his feelings but again, his intentions. Between the age difference, he should KNOW that you're about to be hooked more and fall inlove. You say you aren't, but you are ... Nearly there anyway. What about your boyfriend? Are you going to break up with him? If not, why?
Sami_D Posted November 6, 2005 Posted November 6, 2005 In essence these are some of the things he said: He's beginning to feel a lot for me, care for me and he wants what is best for me. I deserve better than him. If he didn't care about me, he would have tried to take me to bed a long time ago. But precisely because he has started to genuinely care for me, all the more he wants to ensure that I am not taken advantaged of. He feels that everything in life should have a 'cause'. For example, we must all experience a 'sense of purpose' in everything we do, our careers, relationships, our beliefs... and it's no different with -our- relationship. He says he feels made used of by me cos he thinks that he's just hanging around to give me attention, make me feel good about myself and occupy my time while my bf is away. (70 percent of that is true) He says if anything were to blossom, we ought to at least be united in the notion that 'we were meant to be but time and circumstances have made it impossible for us to be officially married'. To that I told him, "I can't give any cause to this when I don't see how this can flourish to anything substantial. I have a boyfriend and I don't intend to leave him. You have a family and you don't intend to leave them. I wouldn't want you to either... And I know I can't expect anything from you because you have more important obligations to fill up at work and at home. I am not going to expect anything nor hope anything from you, hence I often psyche myself up not to be emotionally attached to you. It's a self-defence mechanism thingy. Please understand." I tried to dig out information about his wife. After much apprehensions, he admitted to suspecting that his wife is also seeing someone else at work. "When something like this happens, it's not as easy as filing for divorce, getting custody of the kids... it takes more than that. It's about the childrens' lives.." Yes! This is precisely what I understand. "At home, I function as 2 roles, a husband and a father. I haven't been a good husband but I'm sure as hell a good father." (I found out much later on that he didn't want to tell me about it because he didn't want me to think that he was starting this with me to get back at his wife.) He's told his Mum and his sister about me. I'm not too sure what they have to say. I believe he's really sincere about the way he feels for me. I enjoy his friendship a lot. Very good chemistry... and I believe he's got so many qualities I'd like to see in my future spouse (minus the infidelity bit.) I've put in bold a few phrases in what you've written which highlight a few things about this situation for me. If he really cared for you, why would he be trying to push you to somewhere you say you don't want to go? I think he can see you weakening in what you think you want and can deal with (keeping it an affair initially, and now 'just friends'). He can see that you're attracted to him, that you see him as somewhat of an 'ideal' partner (minus the infidelity), and he's pushing you. I don't like the look of that. That's not caring for you at all. That's wanting you, and showing no respect for what you've stated you want. Please don't fall for the pensive moments and his apparent inability to say negative things about his wife if he thinks that's what you need to hear in order to get you to buy into things... it's sad to say, but there are a lot of 'actors' around when it comes to getting what they want. And it's not just the infidelity part that I don't like about this man (from what I'm reading). I don't have a deal-breaker attitude to people who have been unfaithful. BUT I agree with a lot of what other people have written on this thread about him taking advantage of a situation in which he should be keeping his hands right off. He's abusing his position. And now he's heard you say 'no' and he's pushing it.
lovely97 Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 The reason I can't give advice is because I am going through the same exact thing you are going through. My thing is I have falling in love with a doctor as well, but I work with him in the ER. And its very hard to live with the fact that you might cause a family to break up. I have tried my best to stop the way I feel for him, but it want go away. He has three kids by his wife, and I don't want those kids to be brought up in a broken home. But I don't know what to do. I have even thought about changing job, but the thought of not seeing him kills me. When he is at work, and I'm off, I feel like I just coming here just to see his face, just to hear his voice, just to feel his touch, but its wrong its wrong feel this way. We have never made love, we have only kissed and it felt so good, it felt so good to kiss his lips. It bad to say but I love him,I love him so much. I sometimes feel myself going through a state of depression because I don't know how to handle these feelings. I can't sleep, eat, all I do is cry. So I don't know what to do because I'm lost just like you.
sylviaguardian Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 I personally feel that my biggest concern here is making sure that our affair (if it were allowed to blossom) will never be known to his wife and children because I don't want to see his family being torn apart. Dietmint - you know and we all know that you are already firmly on the road to blowing his family apart. Don't kid yourself.Grow up and start to take responsibility for your own actions and stop hiding behind nonsense like 'we've never felt like this before'. The reality is that he is married man who wants a bit on the side. You claim not to want to hurt his family, yet it is obvious that you think it is ok to mess around with him 'as long as nobody finds out'. Get yourself a man who is really interested in you and not just interested in having 'a bit on the side'. Sorry to be harsh but that's how I feel.
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