Should I start dating this MM?

[dietmint]

I have since gotten acquainted to my doctor and we have been conversing on very close terms. He has told me he is married with another doctor and has 3 children. He claims that over the weeks of conversing with me through emails, phone calls and text messages, he has grown very emotionally attached to me. He even expressed a tinge of jealousy when I told him I was going out with another man for a movie. He claims repeatedly, that he loves me. He claims to be very attached to me and says he will never let me go. A couple of nights ago, he came over to my place and we made out. I've never been an advocater of extra-marital affairs but his sincerity really won me over. I have been very sceptical about the claims he's made, and have been telling him repeatedly that I know not how to respond to his affections.

 

I personally feel that my biggest concern here is making sure that our affair (if it were allowed to blossom) will never be known to his wife and children because I don't want to see his family being torn apart. Yet I know, that my doctor has many emotional needs not met in his present marriage. I care for him and I really want to see him happy in his work, family and career, unlike in the present situation. He says he's never felt so happy with anyone else before and that although he's loved his wife, he's never felt -in love- with anyone, but me, before.

 

Please tell me what to do. I know the dangers of dating MM. I have been very cautious with regard to the extent of emotional attachment I am investing into this. Please give me some advice before both our emotions escalate to a depth we cannot bear.

[foolinlove]

Read the posts of OW who have been involved with MM for YEARS and you will get a little taste of what the future holds for you.

 

You have been speaking to this man for weeks and he already proclaims his love for you? Of course he would if he thought he could get in your pants. RUN as far away from this man as you can and never look back, change doctors and RUN. For your sanity..STAY AWAY! His problems in his marrige are exactly that HIS PROBLEMS. Unless you are a person who craves drama, heartache, loneliness, and resentment then by all means...start the affair, if not RUN!

[lilmoma1973]

Your best bet is to leave this man alone and get another doctor!! He is married think how you would feel if you was the wife!!! Don't do it!!!

[Sloppy]

Please, change your doctor, change your number, change your email address.

 

DO NOT get involved. Like Foolinlove said, read through the stories. Nothing good is ever gonna come out of that. I'm also speaking out of my personal experience as well as many other experiences listed on this site.

 

!!!!!RUN!!!!!!

[reservoirdog1]

First of all, you're only getting his side of the story. How do you really know that his wife is frigid, he never gets laid, she nags him, etc. etc.? Because a lying cheating a**h*** (who's probably abused the professional relationship he has with you as his patient) has told you those things? Don't be so naive. Do you honestly believe you're the first one he's said those lines to?

 

Secondly, it's wonderful that you don't want his wife and kids to find out. Well, guess what... chances are, they will. And then, they'll blame you. The kids will always love him. His wife may learn to trust him again. But you will be the cancer on their marriage. And who knows... your MM will probably refer to you as a skank or a ho to her, maybe just to make his wife happy, or maybe because that's what he thinks of you.

 

Finally... if all of the above doesn't do it... here's a visual for you.

 

You're going down on him, enjoying the moment... then all of a sudden... there's his wife's p*ssy, right where your mouth is. And it was probably really there that same morning, or the previous evening.

 

Don't waste your time trying to horn in on somebody that isn't really yours and never totally will be. Find somebody who isn't already taken.

[lindya]

Please tell me what to do. I know the dangers of dating MM. I have been very cautious with regard to the extent of emotional attachment I am investing into this. Please give me some advice before both our emotions escalate to a depth we cannot bear.

 

If your emotions haven't yet escalated to the extent that you're going to lose yourself, and your rationality, in this situation, then that's good. I'd advise you to stand back and give serious consideration to the following questions.

 

1. You say that he's your doctor. Why would a doctor permit a relationship with one of his patients to reach the level where an affair could be on the cards? Isn't that a breach of professional ethics?

 

2. You 've said that his emotional needs aren't currently being met. What specific needs does he mean, and why aren't they being met? What has he done to address this with his wife?

 

From what I can see, this is a guy who's breaching trust in a couple of highly important areas. Professional trust and marital trust. He may well be unhappy or dissatisfied with his life right now. Objectively, is embarking on an affair the mature course of action that a man of admirable character would take in that situation? Leaving aside the growing infatuation and thinking about who you are in normal circumstances, is this man behaving in a way you can respect?

 

You won't see this guy as he really is, because you're already becoming infatuated - and that will mask reality. You have to be as objective as possible, put aside the fact that he's a doctor (which might, on some level, be triggering some childlike respect and trust in you) and consider the way he's handling his life right now.

 

He's considering betraying his professional ethics, and family as a result of - well, who knows. Boredom, depression...infatuation? A combination of all of these things?

 

I don't think that you should make any decisions according to how sincere he sounds. Infatuation can make very earnest, sincere fools of people...and he may well mean what he says right now. What do your instincts tell you? It's probably difficult to know right now...what we believe to be instincts are often nothing more than dreams, hopes and desires at times like this.

 

Cold logic is your best friend right now. It might not bring magic and excitement into your life, but it might prevent you from having to watch what you believed to be magic and excitement slowly unveil itself as something that is, in fact, very sad, sleazy and depressing

[JayKay]

Your question was, 'Should I Get Involved'?

 

I agree with other posters here; read this board. Read all the threads.

 

Read what OW go through and how devastated family members are.

 

Oh, and check out the 'Marriage' forum and read the infidelity threads.

 

Spare yourself the pain. Really.

 

Should you get involved?

 

 

NO

 

NO

 

 

NO

 

 

NO

 

 

NO

[ThumbingMyWay]

Please give me some advice

 

we will, but will you listen to it?

 

 

read every f-ing thread in this OM/OW forum and then come back and ask your question again....

 

I think you already know what the answer is

[whichwayisup]

1. HE Is your doctor. Unprofessional and stupid choice he is about to make.

2. HE is married, wife and children.

3. READ all the OW threads and then see if you want to fall inlove, have sex with MM.

 

Tell ya right now how it will go.

 

You: I love this, we can have sex and be together whenever you want.

Him: I know! This is incredible. I've never felt like this before in my life. Yes, I love my wife, but what I feel for you is so much better. IF only we'd met XX amount of years ago... .....

You: That's okay, I know you this is all we can be. I'm OK with that.

Him: Really? Great...

 

Fast forward XX months later...

 

You: You said you'd come see me this weekend.

Him: Sorry. The wife and I had to do stuff this weekend and I've been really busy with the kids. Don't worry, I'll make it up to you.

You: It's just not fair. I really want to be with you all the time. I love you and need you baby.

Him: I know you do, and I love you too. Give me some time. Things are not great at home right now and I promise, by the Spring I will leave her and we'll be together.

You: Ok.

 

Fast forward another XX months

 

You: What's happening, I thought you said you loved me and wanted to be with me!

Him: I DO! Just give it time. She is going through alot right now, and I need to really take my time with this, I can't just spring it on her that I want a divorce. Plus, the kids hearts are going to break...They need to adjust. I love you baby...

 

See the pattern? MM do not leave their wives for OW. OW always start off saying they're fine with it being no strings. That isn't possible, you know it and please really consider what you're about to do.

 

Read afew threads in the INFIDELITY section and find out what the betrayed spouses go through. The pain inflicted on them.

[ThumbingMyWay]

See the pattern? MM do not leave their wives for OW. OW always start off saying they're fine with it being no strings. That isn't possible, you know it and please really consider what you're about to do.

 

Read afew threads in the INFIDELITY section and find out what the betrayed spouses go through. The pain inflicted on them.

 

you gettin this dietmint?

[quankanne]

should you get involved? Sure, why not.

 

you've got time -- and emotion -- to invest on a man who is not legally or morally available to you, and you sound like a nice girl who can handle all the complexities an affair with your married physican will foster.

 

you'll be exempted from any blame simply because you generously refuse to hurt his family and choose keep your affair with this person underwraps, living and loving furtively as you're able …

 

just remember hold your head up high, honey, as you give give give away freely what ought go to someone who rightfully and openly can love you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. I personally feel that my biggest concern here is making sure that our affair (if it were allowed to blossom) will never be known to his wife and children because I don't want to see his family being torn apart.

 

2. Yet I know, that my doctor has many emotional needs not met in his present marriage.

 

3. I care for him and I really want to see him happy in his work, family and career, unlike in the present situation.

 

4. He says he's never felt so happy with anyone else before and that although he's loved his wife, he's never felt -in love- with anyone, but me, before.

 

5. Please tell me what to do. I know the dangers of dating MM. I have been very cautious with regard to the extent of emotional attachment I am investing into this.

 

6. Please give me some advice before both our emotions escalate to a depth we cannot bear.

 

Seriously? My advice is to turn and walk away. I know that you do not want that, and that you want advice on how to make this a HOW situation. So... here goes.

 

1. If you don't want anyone to find out, then be discreet. Very discreet. Understand that if his BS begins to suspect (and she well, they all do) - anything and everything you do can be traced and dug into by a PI. You have to accept that in order to have it like you want - ie: no one finds out - then that means that you will never be able to see him in public. You will never be able to call him, and he can't call you unless he has an untraceable cell phone that he keeps away from home. You cannot email him, or have him email you from his home computer. Any computer that enters his household is subject to keyloggers and looking for evidence. He will only be able to see you minimally - any time unaccounted for will be looked into and investigated and it will lead to you. You will have to accept a secret, sneaking, half-life (if it can even be said to amount to a half). Any trips away from home that you go on with him are subject also to private investigation. Better be ready to pay for your own way. If you don't want anyone to find out, ever - then be prepared to feast on the barest crumbs that he can eke out of his otherwise normal day-to-day activities. Anything out of the ordinary will be picked up, examined by, and eventually exposed by his W.

 

2. Actually, you don't know that and the less you consider this the greater chance you'll have at being a HOW. You have to ignore everything he says about the state of his home life. Unless he shows up on your doorstep with divorce papers in his hand and the deed to your new home together - then put his emotional life with his W out of your mind. If you consider his "unhappiness" at home you'll drive yourself crazy wondering why he isn't leaving his "unhappy home" for you. That is no way to be a HOW. You have to accept what you have, and never EVER consider what you don't have.

 

3. In order to do this, you have to drop your expectations to zero. Never get it in your mind that you want to 'spend more time' with him. He has to do all the contacting. He has to do all the initiating. He has to make the time. You will have to ignore any need you have to see him outside of when it is 100% convenient and safe for him to do so. The less you interfere with, or cause problems for his otherwise normal married life and family, the happier he will be with you. The second you start stating your needs and making yourself an obligation, he will be unhappy.

 

4. Again, you will be happier if you put this out of mind and ignore it. A HOW doesn't concern herself with 'why does he stay'. A HOW takes what she can get, and is happy and satisified with it and never questions it - regardless of how very little it is. If you start thinking about how 'in love' he is with you, you will become an UOW as you wonder why he isn't with you, if he is so 'in love' with you. Simply understand that when he is with you, he is in love with you. As soon as he walks out the door, you are out of sight-out of mind. It sounds ugly, but if you want to be a HOW you have to accept this. Otherwise you drive yourself crazy wondering why it can't be otherwise.

 

5. What do you do? Make yourself available to his needs 100% of the time, without expectation or complaint. Do not express your needs, or even imply that you have them. If you get emotionally attached, do not let him know that - it will represent nothing but unwelcome obligation to him. As soon as you do start having and expressing needs in this situation, your problems will start. This affair is about him, after all - and you are simply a convenience to him, an 'extra' that isn't meant to interfere with his marriage. The more you accept and understand this, the 'happier' you will be.

 

6. Understand that your emotional involvement in this will always outweigh his regardless of what he says or how he says it. You are providing 100% of yourself to him, while he is only penciling you in when he gets some free time.

 

This is not a pretty situation. It is not a joy to be in. You wanted to know how to pull this off without being caught, and keeping him 'happy' - well, that means one thing: it means you have to settle for less, while he gets it all and more. The less you settle for, the happier he will be and the less of a chance that you and he will get caught. If you get caught, you will have to understand that it means that you have to walk away, and swallow down your broken heart alone. He will not be there for you when it happens. That is something you need to understand from the beginning, and accept.

 

If that is what you want, and those few stolen moments of 'passion' is worth it to you, then go for it.

[lilmoma1973]

I'm sorry but i think she should think about the reprecussions of what could happen messing with a married man can't be a good thing for her!! You know he will not leave his wife why bother she getting hurt!!!!

[RecordProducer]

his sincerity really won me over = I have been very sceptical about the claims he's made???????? :confused:

 

I personally feel that my biggest concern here is making sure that our affair (if it were allowed to blossom) will never be known to his wife and children

He just needs to be sincere with his wife (as he is with you), tell her sincerely that he is going to screw another woman and I am sure she will never find out and thus never be torn apart.

 

because I don't want to see his family being torn apart.

You have a weird way of showing your altruism!

 

Yet I know, that my doctor has many emotional needs not met in his present marriage. I care for him and I really want to see him happy in his work, family and career, unlike in the present situation.

I think he has everything in life except a mistress and you should help him get one. You volunteer so what's the problem? His emotional and sexual needs are more important than your future or his family anyway. As long as he is happy, you should be happy too... Why not sacrifice for your doctor, fall in love with him, waste precious time of your life on him? He deserves it. I believe you will agree with me.

 

I see that everybody else on LS does.

[Hot Coco]

Seriously? My advice is to turn and walk away. I know that you do not want that, and that you want advice on how to make this a HOW situation. So... here goes.

 

1. If you don't want anyone to find out, then be discreet. Very discreet. Understand that if his BS begins to suspect (and she well, they all do) - anything and everything you do can be traced and dug into by a PI. You have to accept that in order to have it like you want - ie: no one finds out - then that means that you will never be able to see him in public. You will never be able to call him, and he can't call you unless he has an untraceable cell phone that he keeps away from home. You cannot email him, or have him email you from his home computer. Any computer that enters his household is subject to keyloggers and looking for evidence. He will only be able to see you minimally - any time unaccounted for will be looked into and investigated and it will lead to you. You will have to accept a secret, sneaking, half-life (if it can even be said to amount to a half). Any trips away from home that you go on with him are subject also to private investigation. Better be ready to pay for your own way. If you don't want anyone to find out, ever - then be prepared to feast on the barest crumbs that he can eke out of his otherwise normal day-to-day activities. Anything out of the ordinary will be picked up, examined by, and eventually exposed by his W.

 

2. Actually, you don't know that and the less you consider this the greater chance you'll have at being a HOW. You have to ignore everything he says about the state of his home life. Unless he shows up on your doorstep with divorce papers in his hand and the deed to your new home together - then put his emotional life with his W out of your mind. If you consider his "unhappiness" at home you'll drive yourself crazy wondering why he isn't leaving his "unhappy home" for you. That is no way to be a HOW. You have to accept what you have, and never EVER consider what you don't have.

 

3. In order to do this, you have to drop your expectations to zero. Never get it in your mind that you want to 'spend more time' with him. He has to do all the contacting. He has to do all the initiating. He has to make the time. You will have to ignore any need you have to see him outside of when it is 100% convenient and safe for him to do so. The less you interfere with, or cause problems for his otherwise normal married life and family, the happier he will be with you. The second you start stating your needs and making yourself an obligation, he will be unhappy.

 

4. Again, you will be happier if you put this out of mind and ignore it. A HOW doesn't concern herself with 'why does he stay'. A HOW takes what she can get, and is happy and satisified with it and never questions it - regardless of how very little it is. If you start thinking about how 'in love' he is with you, you will become an UOW as you wonder why he isn't with you, if he is so 'in love' with you. Simply understand that when he is with you, he is in love with you. As soon as he walks out the door, you are out of sight-out of mind. It sounds ugly, but if you want to be a HOW you have to accept this. Otherwise you drive yourself crazy wondering why it can't be otherwise.

 

5. What do you do? Make yourself available to his needs 100% of the time, without expectation or complaint. Do not express your needs, or even imply that you have them. If you get emotionally attached, do not let him know that - it will represent nothing but unwelcome obligation to him. As soon as you do start having and expressing needs in this situation, your problems will start. This affair is about him, after all - and you are simply a convenience to him, an 'extra' that isn't meant to interfere with his marriage. The more you accept and understand this, the 'happier' you will be.

 

6. Understand that your emotional involvement in this will always outweigh his regardless of what he says or how he says it. You are providing 100% of yourself to him, while he is only penciling you in when he gets some free time.

 

This is not a pretty situation. It is not a joy to be in. You wanted to know how to pull this off without being caught, and keeping him 'happy' - well, that means one thing: it means you have to settle for less, while he gets it all and more. The less you settle for, the happier he will be and the less of a chance that you and he will get caught. If you get caught, you will have to understand that it means that you have to walk away, and swallow down your broken heart alone. He will not be there for you when it happens. That is something you need to understand from the beginning, and accept.

 

If that is what you want, and those few stolen moments of 'passion' is worth it to you, then go for it.

 

Great post! Anyone who STILL wants to get involved with a MM after reading THAT, should really have their heads examined!

 

Can someone please tell me what a HOW is and what a UOW is? I've been trying to figure that out for weeks and can't! Someone finally told me what a WS was today. Although I good TWO answers to that one (wayward spouse and whiny spouse:confused: ) Anyway if someone could please answer that for me the mystery will be solved.

 

Like I said I don't know what a HOW is but the scenario described here is for the most part how it winds up being for any OW I'd say. Not a pretty picture but then, reality can be ugly at times.

[allaboutchoices]

HOW = happy other woman

UOW = unhappy other woman

 

[LucreziaBorgia]

n/m - beat me to it.

[Hot Coco]

Thanks guys! I've been trying to figure that one out for a month now! Are there really ANY HOWs? Or maybe that's just a temporary condition and they all end up as UOW?

 

Anyway, thanks for clearing that up for me!

[Craig]

I have since gotten acquainted to my doctor and we have been conversing on very close terms. He has told me he is married with another doctor and has 3 children. He claims that over the weeks of conversing with me through emails, phone calls and text messages, he has grown very emotionally attached to me. He even expressed a tinge of jealousy when I told him I was going out with another man for a movie. He claims repeatedly, that he loves me. He claims to be very attached to me and says he will never let me go.

Red Flag 1: He's married.

Red Flag 2: He starts emotional affairs with his patients violating his marital vows and professional code of conduct.

Red Flag 3: He expresses inappropriate early jealously. He doesn't own you and he has no right to feel jealous of your single social life. Looks controlling to me.

Red Flag 4: Claiming repeatedly that he loves you, is very attached to you and will never let you go can be early warning signs of a potential abuser and/or personality disorder.

 

A couple of nights ago, he came over to my place and we made out. I've never been an advocater of extra-marital affairs but his sincerity really won me over.

Red Flag 5: He is sincere in his desire to get in your pants and has likely done the same thing to other women.

 

He says he's never felt so happy with anyone else before and that although he's loved his wife, he's never felt -in love- with anyone, but me, before.

Red Flag 6: Using standard unethical seduction lines. Some men will say anything to get into your pants.

 

Please tell me what to do. I know the dangers of dating MM. I have been very cautious with regard to the extent of emotional attachment I am investing into this. Please give me some advice before both our emotions escalate to a depth we cannot bear.

You already know what to do.

[quankanne]

at this point, the simplest thing to do will be to fall into an affair with this man; walking away will be much harder, because you've already fallen for him hook, line and sinker. However, your life will be that much better for walking away from him and toward a relationship where you that you don't have to hide or lie about because it's based on honesty, not lies.

 

what it boils down to is "do I honestly want to subject myself to something belittling where there's more than a 99 percent chance that I don't come out a winner?"

 

forget about his problems ~ nothing you do will fix them, forget about the enticing words ~ words are cheap, and think about holding out for something much better than what he is offering you.

[curly]

I wish she would come back & post. It would be very interesting to know whether any one has gotten through to her.

 

But, as we OW's are aware, no one could talk us out of our initial delusions. I doubt we'll talk this one out of it either.

 

Sad, but true....

[ThumbingMyWay]

But, as we OW's are aware, no one could talk us out of our initial delusions. I doubt we'll talk this one out of it either.

 

Sad, but true....

 

if you only knew then what you know now

[jky68]

He says he's never felt so happy with anyone else before and that although he's loved his wife, he's never felt -in love- with anyone, but me, before.

 

Oh, please, you fell for this??? Did you even stop to think how many MM have used this BS on the OW? Don't fall for it! Besides, you'll end up falling for him. He won't leave his family/kids, and you'll end up heartbroken. And you do realize he could lose his license to practice as a doctor if he gets involved with you don't you? Run away. Quit thinking with the wrong body parts. Find someone worthwhile.

[Yamaha]

Everything he has told you is most likely a lie to get in your pants. If you can't stand the thought of breaking up his family life then stay away from him.

Change your doctor.

Change your phone number.

 

Don't believe his boo hoo story. If he is unhappy it is HIS responsibility to resolve that issue, not yours.

[curly]

Where is she? Anyone else getting the idea that we may have been fooled? Why won't she post again?