sooooohurt Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 I was in a relationship with a much older man started when I was 17!!!! He had completely mislead me he was married but I was in too deep with drugs by then to let go, I eventually got myself out of this situation but had harmed my family too much to be able to go home to them I still had a bit of a drug problem at that time, so I got myself caught up with a very unsavoury character moved in with him my family hated him by this time (shuddering t think about him) well eventually he put me in hospital I went back ended up in hospital again, so ran away to another town, still had a problem. Anyway after a couple yrs moved back to my home town, was staying at a so called friends house, that’s where MM came in. He came to this house and saw me there got me off my a$$ and got me a job. I had always looked up to him, always….. since I was a teenager…. Anyway this job was with him, 6 mnths go by and all I hear from him and mutual friends is about how bad their relationship is, etc etc etc I had got myself clean by this time but this one night we went out it all changed. Cue the rollercoaster….. horrible horrible time. I tried to break it off I don’t know he was so much older than me he had answers for everything. Anyway he goes away on holiday, comes home we go for a drive we have sex he dumps me on the way home, this is just one example of the things that were so bad. So anyway he leaves home moves in with a friend ( I said I didn’t want him to move straight in with me) . Tells me W knows everything its all rosy, then someone sent her an sms. He comes screaming at me (why would I do it, I thought she knew) anyway he goes home, we don’t speak for 8 mnths, I still love him. One day literally bump into him again hes shaking, Im shaking. Start rollercoaster again only this time without the lovey dovey bit. I cant get out, I cant go a day without checking my e-mails obsessively this has been going on for 3 yrs!!!! I cant do my job I used to be full of confidence when I was with him, I don’t even have the confidence to pick up the phone, or to turn him away. I know what im doing is wrong, I don’t want his W or Kids hurt anymore, I just don’t know how to make it right, how to make myself right again. I know NC is the best way but I need strengh, Im on the verge of losing my job, my house and my sanity, and I cant stop.
foolinlove Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 SoooooooHurt, You have come to the right place for support and guidence with your situation, although you will find some that will come over from the infidelity forum and bash you, most can relate to what you are going through. It seems to me that you have been on a self destructive pattern from your teenage years on. Beginning with drugs, getting yourself back on track to a self destructive relationship with a MM. And self destructive is exactly what I have found it to be for myself. YOU are the one who puts your heart, soul, and sometimes your sanity into the relationship to find often more times than not, you get nothing in return. I think what you could use is some professional counseling to find out why you find yourself in so much turmoil. Do you think you do not deserve any better? Did something happen as a child that has caused you to seek refuge in chaos? I understand how you can fall for an older MM man, they seem wise to the world and someone to look up to. I have found with this site that MM are characterized in 2 MAIN catagories Cakeeater and cheater. A cakeeater is a man who wants the wife and family but also want the OW on the side without changing their "everyday" life. He will tell you whatever it takes to keep you in the situation and when you get fed up and leave, which you will, he will find another OW to fill the void. Then there are those who find themselves in love with the OW but torn between what is right and wrong for him, his family , and for you. Your man sounds like he does care for you, however when wife finds out he is gone. That makes him a cakeeater. I truely feel for you because you find yourself uncontrolable in how you feel. You will get to a point where you no longer WANT this for yourself and you will take steps to make things better for YOU. You went 8 months with NC which is more than alot of people on this forum have ever went including myself. My advice for you is to FOCUS on you and ONLY YOU! Get a new hobby, start a work-out program (was helpful for me, endorphins to wonders), read only allow yourself to dwell on this man for moments...then back to you. It is a long process and you will cry, hurt and be angry, but it will all be worth it in the end when you find what makes YOU happy. Good luck and keep posting, because we can relate to you.
Author sooooohurt Posted November 3, 2005 Author Posted November 3, 2005 Thanks for the reply FIL, I feel so stupid, and no offence to anyone on this site but I was reading TOW and I dont want to be the OW for the next 10, 20yrs I cant imagine anything worse than feeling like this. Councelling in the UK is not as readily available as in the US and not as accepted, plus I cant afford although have considered. as for exercise I had to canx gym membership because money worries, although I have asked a friend if I can go running with her (if I dont sign in for a while its because I have collapsed, they run for miles) I have cut of my cellphone number so he cant call, but didnt stop him showing up on doorstep the other night. I didnt want him to go upstairs (it was messy) but he thought i was hiding someone and ran past me, (what would he have done if someone was there?) Anyway I stopped him before we had sex, and havent heard from him since........ Im not his first OW i have no illusions about that although I am the longest running.... I just dont want to be this person
lindya Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 I I know NC is the best way but I need strengh, Im on the verge of losing my job, my house and my sanity, and I cant stop. Are you trying to gain strength from thinking of all the ways in which this relationship is destroying your life? Understandable, but a little destructive. Maybe more useful to think about what needs are being fulfilled by the current situation and why might it seem as if this man is the only person who is capable of fulfilling them. Those are the questions you need to answer before you'll be able to move onto the next step of finding other, healthier methods of getting those needs fulfilled. Clearly you're motivated to help yourself here (Well done for that. So many people in difficult situations just want to sit back and have others pull them out of it...). I'd guess, though, that what's lacking just now is the emotional support. I wonder if your GP may be able to refer you for counselling? It's certainly worth asking. Also, take a trip to your local VSA centre as they often have on-site counsellors and might be able to point you in the direction of other resources where you could get support. These resources aren't always brilliantly advertised, but they are out there. And what about contacting your local Council to fix up an appointment with the debt counsellor? Given all the stress you're under just now, there might be room for improvement in the way you're organising your finances. The very act of getting some advice on that might help you feel more in control. I suspect this man has encouraged you to become dependent on him in many ways...so it's really important to replace him with alternative, healthier sources of support. If he's going to carry on pestering you, make an appointment with a solicitor and look into the possibility of obtaining an injunction against him (often just a solicitor's letter threatening such action will be enough - but you need to be clear that you're not going to contact him either).
Author sooooohurt Posted November 3, 2005 Author Posted November 3, 2005 Thankyou I guess I do feel like I need him in my life, in whatever capacity. I feel so much better about everything, I know it sounds bad but I have looked up to him since I was 15!!!!! thats 10 yrs!!! I hate my job, dont get paid what i should be getting, because in all fairness I havent been performing but the atmosphere is horrible I have to travel for over an hour everyday and work a 10 hour day, so completely knackered all the time, and on top of that I bought a house (MM idea at beginning of affair) that I cant keep payments on.......... but yeah im trying to see a way out. Has anybody tried St johns Wart, Ive been giving it a go it has helped a bit I feel like im coming out of a coma and I cant remember the past 3 yrs. I tried my GP, as I was getting really bad migranes and couldnt get myself out of bed in the morning. He just prescribed migrane relief the st johns wart is getting me out of bed. I just called my Mum, I think I should tell her of the extent of my debt, get it all out.....
lindya Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 I just called my Mum, I think I should tell her of the extent of my debt, get it all out..... Do that. Seriously...if you're keeping your financial problems a big secret, then that will be causing you far more stress than you're probably aware of. I've heard it said that St Johns Wort is Nature's Prozac. Might be worth a try, but check that it's okay to take it with any prescription medication that you're on.
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