im in a little spot of trouble...

[drum]

ok i need a little help.

I left my girlfriend about year ago, partly because she moved back to italy.

its complicated, cause she wants to marry me and settle down, with her ex-husbands kids. which is about as far away as you can get from what i want. she says shes coming back in 2 years time, and that she loves me and will die alone if shes not with me, she still wants to be my freind, and we talk on the phone quite a bit.

this is all fine, and says she knows were not in a relationship anymore, and that i am looking for someone else, but she gets really upset when i tell her about girls, even if they're just talking to me. she keeps asking, and i figured i wouldn't bother lying to her.

i've arranged to go see her soon, and i know she expects a little fun.

only problem is, i've just met a girl i really like, it seems to be leading into something, and don't want to screw it up.

i can't cancel the trip, and i dont know what to do

 

if i tell her i've met someone else, the trip will be a nightmare af arguments and tears, and if i tell the girl i've just met about the trip, i might screw it all up.

 

but if i dont tell them, i dont know if i can stop them both finding out.

i also don't have the first idea how to go about starting that kind of conversation with somebody i've just met.

and im a terrible liar anyway, it always backfires.

 

what do i do? i've got to do something.

thanks

[Craig]

No contact with the ex is the only way to go. Cancel your trip and don't answer her calls, e-mails, sms or texts, im's. Put this part of your life where it belongs--in the past.

[drum]

i cant do that without seriously causeing problems, she paid for the flight and it can't be altered, and if i do that, im gonna be too worried about her mental health, shes been talking about how pointless her life is without me and how she should just die. (shes very emotional and easily slips into depression)

[Craig]

i cant do that without seriously causing problems, she paid for the flight and it can't be altered, and if i do that, im gonna be too worried about her mental health, shes been talking about how pointless her life is without me and how she should just die. (shes very emotional and easily slips into depression)

When a codependent dies, they see someone else's life flash before their eyes.

 

Drum, you're allowing yourself to be sucked into her dysfunction. She isn't going to die and what if she did? Are you willing to trade your life, your mental health and f*ck up your life for someone else's mental health issues, because that, sir, is exactly what you are doing if you continue this charade.

 

The non-refundable flight is just one lesson for her to learn on her way to better mental health. Forget about it.

[slubberdegullion]

When a codependent dies, they see someone else's life flash before their eyes.

I love that!

 

Craig's absolutely right. Since you can't cancel the trip, and you can't be responsible for her mental state, just do what you have to do and be direct about it.

 

When you return, refund her money for the trip too.

[drum]

i cant be responsible for her mental state, but i can help it.

i know it would be a lot easier for the ex if i waited untill i got back before getting involved with this girl,

but i dont know if i can tell the girl about it without her getting pissed off.

we haven't done anything yet, we've hardly kissed, but i cant see that lasting (unless i tell her about my ex). how is she likely to react if i tell her? how far can a relationship go before a girl decides she has a right to get jealous?

 

craig:

i know she isn't going to commit suicide, but shes liable to do some very stupid things if i handle this wrong. its not worth a life of misery, but it might be worth a week or two, if i can keep this girl interested and in the know.

 

 

the thing is, if it wasn't for about a million problems (which i wont bore you lot with), i would be with the ex, atleast for a while, but its not going to happen. maybe in five years or so, but not now.

[Craig]

Aye carumba Drum you're going to lose both women.

 

Who cares if she does something stupid? She isn't your minor child so why can't she take responsibility for herself? But maybe I read this wrong, if she is incapable of being responsible for herself maybe you should adopt her.

[Angelina1433]

i know she isn't going to commit suicide, but shes liable to do some very stupid things if i handle this wrong.

 

If you know that she's not going to kill herself, then stop worrying. Just call her up, be honest, and tell her your position. If you feel compelled, pay her for the plane ticket.

 

As for your new friend, if you feel like you should tell her, then do. If she's mature, she'll understand. Otherwise, you're not being dishonest by not telling her. You don't want to be in the other woman's life, and are not "cheating" on your new friend. Just be up front with both of them, and all will be fine. Good luck.

[933KJL]

...or, you could just tell your current GF that you have had this trip to Italy planned for a long time and cannot cancel it out.

 

Go to Italy and have a face to face with your ex and tell her that this is it. Share some tears and some vino, see Italy and come back.

 

Send your GF at home a text message here and there as phone calls will be expensive and for the most part impractical--Italy is at least 6 hours ahead of any US based time.

[TinyMel]

I came on to post a problem i am having with my 18 yr old daghter and dating and I saw this post. It confused me, you say it is complicated, are you not telling everything?

From what I read you were with her and she left, why? You say you would still be with her and would want to in 5 years , to me this says you love her am I right? She has kids, is this the problem? Do you have kids? Is this why you are waiting?

First I would like to say, and it is only my opinion working with people, she doesn't sound like a co-depandant control freak, you said she is a friend now and youre honest with her, well that is a good thing and I admire her if she is in love with you and willing to be a friend but you should understand that if she is in love then it would be a bit upsetting to hear of other girls don't you think? People , both male and female go through ups and downs if she gets depressed , think of her situation whatever it might be , she can't be there she loves you and you are dating thats enough to depress anyone and she is still there for you? GOOD LUCK FINDING SOMEONE ELSE LIKE THAT!

This other girl, it doesn't sound as if anything happened yet, so whats the problem? Did you agree to go away with the first one or did she just say you are going? If you agreed then you should go even if just as a friend. Have fun and Talk to her, so far she seems to have been understanding enough if she were co- dependant or a Bitch she would have already gotten pregnant by you and had you by the balls, is she like that? Also what have you told her? and would you be upset if she told you she found someone else? Something youre not saying here. You sound as if you are in love with the first one but since shes not there a year now you have male needs. I had a similar situation I moved states and was involved with someone ( although the difference was he was 10 years younger) after 6 months he started dating and I was devestated but knew it would happen, he missed me and to make a long story short we were married a year ago and all that is behind us. I have a daughter and I believe that it was difficult for him but in the end it wasnt a problem shes 18 now and has her own dating problems!!! If you love her her kids shouldn't matter if you do not love her why is it complicated? She will move on eventually with or without you just be honest or is the problem that you don't want her to move on deep inside? I think you are in love with her and there is the real problem.

 

Tina