Hannah00 Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 I have a big problem, and I have never dealt with a situation like this and I dont know what to do. I have been dating this guy who at the beginning was upfront with me that he might have two kids with his ex, but he wasn't sure because she had been kinda secretive during parts of their relationship so when she became pregnant both times, she said out of anger that they weren't even his.... and after being hurt by her repeadly saying that to him they broke up and he never made an effort to see the kids again. It had been two years since he had seen the kids when we met and when I met him and heard that I pushed for him to find out, and they both ended up being his. One child is 1 yrs old and the other is 6 years old, we have been dating now for 8 months and he we both love each other very much and both are looking forward to getting engaged and being together forever, but he has as yet to introduce me to the kids. He claims that because he has just recently come back into their lives, it would be tramatizing to the 6 yr old for him to bring me around all of a sudden, instead he suggested that he wanted to start bringing my name up often and showing pictures of me to her. He tells her I am his "friend" (we got that from reading a child psychology magazine), it stated that never introduce a new girlfriend to a child with the title "girlfriend" just as a "friend." I understand that this child might still be in denial and want for her father and mother to get back together, because everytime he mentions me as his friend to keep reminding her of me, she makes the comment to make sure that I am just a friend and only that. I just don't know how I am suppose to feel, my true feeling is that I might be known as the "friend" for a really long time and I don't know how I am going to eventually turn into a "girlfriend" to this child? Also, I feel that every decision we make for our lives he has to make sure to consider her feelings first and I just feel second choice in everything. I just don't know what to do I love him with all my heart and I want to make this work I just am lost as to how I am suppose to deal with it and feel about it and react to it.... Please if you have any solutions or answers tell me, I have been so miserable and I can't talk to him about it, I wouldn't even know where to start. Thank you to anyone who can help me.
EyeOfTheTiger999 Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 they are KIDS. dont worry about how they percieve you, worry about how they percieve their dad. right now you dont need to be anything other than a friend to their dad. its fine that things are the way they are. when he marries you, youll have a right to be acknowledged, but at this point, you dont matter. all they need to know is that you are someone he cares about, and being called a friend is enough. they're kids, they wont understand. and if he decides that he doesnt want to be with you anymore, which can happen, they wont need to suffer. put your 'needs' aside.
seranade_u_silly Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 Baggage is one of the most challenging parts of loving someone. The kids may find it confusing to have stranger around the house. Keep a good rapport with kids, bribe their love if you have to. When you marry their dad, make sure you treat them just as well as you did before you got married or they will think you never liked them and just put up the effort to get their dad. Stepkids can misinterpret any sign of negativity from a stepmom. The visa versa is common as well. For the sake of your sanity, you have to make sure neither ever happens or you will live with a kid who hates your guts. Most importantly you must try to develop a friendship with the child from an early age and keep the relationship as strictly that. NEVER EVER try to replace a mother - I have a stepmom who was cool during the courting stage and then insisted I call her mom once the deal was struck. 16 years have passed and I still resent her ass for it! Trust me - on the long-term a plutonic relationship with the kid will do wonders. Remember that Cinderella, Snowhite, Hansel & Gretel and many other fairytales that kids are exposed to, villify the step parent. They must have got the idea from some sort of truth. Try to be the furtherest thing from an evil stepmother you can be or you will give the child all the reason she needs to hate you.
Author Hannah00 Posted November 2, 2005 Author Posted November 2, 2005 Thank you guys... your words of advice did mean a lot to me. I guess because I have never had to put someone else's feelings ahead of mine it's kinda hard, ya know? Another thing though is that I feel like he relies on the little girls feelings for everything in our relationship, so it's like she decides everything and believe me I understand a lot about the whole step-parent thing my dad died when I was two and my mom remarried around the age of four and my step-dad is the best. But when I talked to my mom about it she told me that she never considered if I liked or disliked him because that was her decision to make on who she wants to continue her life with. She said all she cared about was that he would love me and treat me like I was his own. And you know with that I ended up loving him because my mom made it a priority to get us together whenever she had the chance and he was so nice that I ended up calling him dad myself. One thing you said about your step-mom wanting you to call her mom....I understand that part completely and I agree that it was wrong of her to do that. I would never expect the kids to call me mom because I am not their mom, and I don't even want that title with them....I will just wait for the day when he and I get married and have our own child. Thanks again.
EyeOfTheTiger999 Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 Stepkids can misinterpret any sign of negativity from a stepmom. but she's not their step mother, she's just their dad's friend. why should she start taking on the role of a motherly figure when they arent even married. the relationship could end. why build herself into a mother figure? if they break up, the kids will have to suffer the loss of a mother figure. imo its best to just be known as a friend that way if something in the relationship, the kids won't be as affected.
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