brightflower Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 Hi All, I am relatively new to this forum. I have been reading it for a few weeks, and I did start one other thread. I really need the advice of those here in this community. This is a long one so here goes. Last year I met a man through a friend of mine who is his aunt. When we first started talking it was basically on a friendship basis since I was still living in Michigan at the time, and he was here in California where I live now. I wanted to touch bases with someone in California to get information about the job market since I was thinking of relocating here. His aunty volunteered his email, and it first it was just light chit chat, but then he asked for a picture. I sent it to him, and from there we started to talk all the time. He would call sometimes, or I would call him and we would talk for hours at a time. Once I decided to move out here, because I found a job, he started calling more and started stating he wanted a relationship. I drove here, he called the whole time to make sure I was safe on the road and to check on me. When I arrived in California he came to see me the next day. I was tired and beat, we had plans to go out but after driving for three days straight I couldn't get out of bed. So we just stayed in and cuddled and hugged and talked and kissed. He wanted sex, I said no because I needed more time to see where things were going between us and noted I was not into casual sex. He said that was good, and thought it was great that I was celibate, he admitted to me that he was not, I said I understood and it was no big deal since we were still just trying to get to know each other. So we continued to talk and watch movies and have a good time. Then all of the sudden he said he had to go. That "this was dangerous" and just up and left. He stopped emailing me and calling me. We had plans to hang out a few weeks later when his aunt came to town to visit, we planned it even before I left Detroit. He starts calling his aunt trying to get her to hang out with him without me even he knew she and I were good friends and very close. So I called him and told him if he didn't want me to come I wouldn't come, that I cared for him, but I only expected friendship if that is what he wanted. I told him if he was seeing someone or if something was up tell me. He said no, for me to come with his aunt. She insisted that I go, so I went and when we arrived to see him, he had a woman with him and was rude and distant to me the whole time. I tried to smile and hold it in because I didn't want to cause any friction with his aunt. Finally after awhile he comes and sits next to me, in front of this other girl and puts his arm around me and tells his aunt he wants to marry me. Needless to say the girl starts flipping out and when he got up to go in the next room, she ran in there to try and kiss all over him and get up on him. I couldn't take the drama, so I told his aunt I was ready to go. She agreed and wanted to leave with me. So he drops us off at my car, and when I go to get out of the car he locks the doors. Then he finally opens them, and turns to me and says goodbye. I didn't say anything to him, I got out of the car, then he yells "I don't even get a goodbye" I just couldn't take it and left. He calls two days later and tries to blame the whole thing on me and say it was my fault and that I was rude, and that I ruined the day for him and his aunt. I was hurt, humiliated, and crushed. I just can't understand how someone can be that cruel to someone who has done nothing to them. I am still very angry about it. This all happend back in April. I know I should let it go but I can't. I am trying but it still hurts, as I had developed deep feelings for this person, and he lead me to believe he cared about me. Any suggestions on how to get beyond this? I feel like there is something wrong with me. I have tried to go out with other guys, but right now my attitude towards all men is bad, I just don't trust them. This is not the first time I have been hurt, but it's like I just can't let it go. What should I do? For the men out there, from a male perspective what is his game? Why would he do that instead of just telling me the truth? I feel so low, any insight and advice would be appreciated.
morrigan Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 what is his game? Why would he do that instead of just telling me the truth? He basically cares about getting what he wants, when he wants it, and regardless of how it impacts other people. If someone doesn't give to him what he expects them to (sex, attention) he ignores them or is rude to them. He treats other people in his life, including his aunt and this other woman, in the same manner. He's egotistical and self serving. When you made it clear you weren't going to have sex with him, he got mad and decided to use you to make the other woman jealous. He also decided to wreck your friendship with his aunt by accusing you of being rude. Any suggestions on how to get beyond this? I feel like there is something wrong with me. I have tried to go out with other guys, but right now my attitude towards all men is bad, I just don't trust them. This is not the first time I have been hurt, but it's like I just can't let it go. Ask yourself, do you want this loser's actions to impact your current life this greatly? Get out with friends, meet other people, go on dates. Avoid and ignore this guy entirely, don't talk to him or return his calls. There is nothing wrong with how you acted, but don't let his behavior color your life and how you see other people. There are good men, there are guys who have been treated the same way you were by women or other men. You have to accept some people don't want to be considerate towards others or treat people the right way. The best thing to do is take this as a learning experience, but realize that there are good people out there, and get on with your life.
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