Ray_xx Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 I am female / 30 years old. I have had two long relationships in the past and felt love both physically and emotionally. I am single and I am feeling lonely and fed up as it's hard nowadays to meet people. I am a really nice person and want to feel connection with someone. I have met/spoke with guys my age and they are usually immature or insecure and never seems to go anywhere. I decided to try a different age range on tinder. I started chatting to someone who is 43. We got on well, he was very mature and always sent me a daily text message and we spoke on the phone and had a good chat. We met yesterday for the first time. We had a walk for 4 hours and it was so lovely. He was kind and sweet and we did have a lot to chat about however for me there was nooo chemistry or romance. I saw him as someone I could be good friends with. He messaged me to say he really liked me and asked when he could see me again. I am just sad because he is so lovely and I adore his personality but in terms of attraction I could never see my self wanting to be physical. Have I made a mistake ending this nice guy or would I know from meeting him if that chemistry potential was there?
stillafool Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 9 minutes ago, Ray_xx said: Have I made a mistake ending this nice guy or would I know from meeting him if that chemistry potential was there? Absolutely not. You would be settling for less than what you want which will not make you happy in the end. Perhaps join some groups to meet new people. Do you have hobbies or special interests? 3
Author Ray_xx Posted January 22, 2023 Author Posted January 22, 2023 Just now, stillafool said: Absolutely not. You would be settling for less than what you want which will not make you happy in the end. Perhaps join some groups to meet new people. Do you have hobbies or special interests? Thank you. I did think yesterday, if I settled for this person it would only end up bad in the end. I will have a look at groups online to meet new people - that's a really good idea.
Alvi Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 7 minutes ago, Ray_xx said: I could never see my self wanting to be physical. There is no reason to force yourself if you don't see any chemistry. If you don't feel it then you don't feel it. Chances are that you are not going to feel any compatibility and/or chemistry with the majority of the people that you meet anyway. You could see him again, if you wish. But it is unlikely that chemistry is going to suddenly happen. I suggest you let it go. I am sure he is a nice person but he is not the "one" for you. 1
poppyfields Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 17 minutes ago, Ray_xx said: I have met/spoke with guys my age and they are usually immature or insecure and never seems to go anywhere ^Have you felt chemistry and a "connection" with these guys? Even tho it didn't go anywhere? What about the two men you had LTRs with? What were they and those relationships like? 19 minutes ago, Ray_xx said: We had a walk for 4 hours and it was so lovely. He was kind and sweet and we did have a lot to chat about however for me there was nooo chemistry or romance. This is pretty typical of some women. Feeling more of a connection with the "bad boys" versus the "nice guys." I'm not judging, I've been there too. The high and adrenaline rush the bad boy provides can be intoxicating and addicting sometimes. I would explore this internally OP. Examine your own motivations for choosing certain men. Why you become attracted to and feel a connection with some men, like the guys who keep you a tad off balance, wondering and uncertain, but not others like the "nice" man you just met. 2
Author Ray_xx Posted January 22, 2023 Author Posted January 22, 2023 4 minutes ago, poppyfields said: ^Have you felt chemistry and a "connection" with these guys? Even tho it didn't go anywhere? What about the two men you had LTRs with? What were they and those relationships like? This is pretty typical of some women. Feeling more of a connection with the "bad boys" versus the "nice guys." I'm not judging, I've been there too. The high and adrenaline rush the bad boy provides can be intoxicating and addicting sometimes. I would explore this internally OP. Examine your own motivations for choosing certain men. Why you become attracted to and feel a connection with some men, like the guys who keep you a tad off balance, wondering and uncertain, but not others like the "nice" man you just met. I went for the nice man with no chemistry and ended up leaving him after 4 years. My other ex was the complete opposite, I loved him but he was controlling and it didn't work. I do not want a bad boy at all, hence going for someone who was older and quite posh from phone conversations. I just didn't fancy him.
Author Ray_xx Posted January 22, 2023 Author Posted January 22, 2023 3 minutes ago, Ray_xx said: I went for the nice man with no chemistry and ended up leaving him after 4 years. My other ex was the complete opposite, I loved him but he was controlling and it didn't work. I do not want a bad boy at all, hence going for someone who was older and quite posh from phone conversations. I just didn't fancy him. 10 minutes ago, poppyfields said: ^Have you felt chemistry and a "connection" with these guys? Even tho it didn't go anywhere? What about the two men you had LTRs with? What were they and those relationships like? This is pretty typical of some women. Feeling more of a connection with the "bad boys" versus the "nice guys." I'm not judging, I've been there too. The high and adrenaline rush the bad boy provides can be intoxicating and addicting sometimes. I would explore this internally OP. Examine your own motivations for choosing certain men. Why you become attracted to and feel a connection with some men, like the guys who keep you a tad off balance, wondering and uncertain, but not others like the "nice" man you just met. I am saying I want the full package either, but even just admiring someone's eyes or smile, or little things like how they walk - I just didn't get any of that. You know?
poppyfields Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 2 minutes ago, Ray_xx said: I am saying I want the full package either, but even just admiring someone's eyes or smile, or little things like how they walk - I just didn't get any of that. You know? Yes I totally know! But you have to be ready for it too, ready for the nicer guy who offere safety and stability. If you're not ready emotionally for that even though it's something you consciously desire, you will never find the nice stable guy as hot as the guy who keeps you a tad off balance. They key is finding a balance. Not a man "too" nice who has you up on a pedestal. I tended to not trust such men anyway. But rather genuinely nice but who also has a backbone and a life outside of yours. You may feel some uncertainty from time to time, but sometimes this can keep things alive and fresh. JMO.
Ami1uwant Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 1 hour ago, Ray_xx said: I am female / 30 years old. I have had two long relationships in the past and felt love both physically and emotionally. I am single and I am feeling lonely and fed up as it's hard nowadays to meet people. I am a really nice person and want to feel connection with someone. I have met/spoke with guys my age and they are usually immature or insecure and never seems to go anywhere. I decided to try a different age range on tinder. I started chatting to someone who is 43. We got on well, he was very mature and always sent me a daily text message and we spoke on the phone and had a good chat. We met yesterday for the first time. We had a walk for 4 hours and it was so lovely. He was kind and sweet and we did have a lot to chat about however for me there was nooo chemistry or romance. I saw him as someone I could be good friends with. He messaged me to say he really liked me and asked when he could see me again. I am just sad because he is so lovely and I adore his personality but in terms of attraction I could never see my self wanting to be physical. Have I made a mistake ending this nice guy or would I know from meeting him if that chemistry potential was there? I’m assuming your past long term relations you did not meet them online. you have to remrmber whrn meeting online is different. You should alway do A second meeting and see how it goes. there have bern too many stories about long marriages that woukd have never happened based on early meeting/ dating. of course if there were fundamental differences you find out early on you should move on because you don’t see marrying thrm because or things like religion/ politucs/ kids/ living styles
Author Ray_xx Posted January 22, 2023 Author Posted January 22, 2023 59 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: I’m assuming your past long term relations you did not meet them online. you have to remrmber whrn meeting online is different. You should alway do A second meeting and see how it goes. there have bern too many stories about long marriages that woukd have never happened based on early meeting/ dating. of course if there were fundamental differences you find out early on you should move on because you don’t see marrying thrm because or things like religion/ politucs/ kids/ living styles Like I say, it's just more the attraction that wasn't there. I am not saying he was repulsive to me, but I didn't see any little things I liked and I didn't want to hold his hand and felt he was trying to get close to me at points. I just want someone who is loving and kind, as I am but I want to feel that urge to kiss them or hear from them again. This did not happen. I will find it.
Weezy1973 Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 There's no reason to date if you don't even see a possibility of attraction growing. That's what first meets are for with online dating. It doesn't have to be mind blowing chemistry, but if there's nothing there, well good to meet, but leave it at that. And don't try to stay friends. Just move on.
mark clemson Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 (edited) So, this is one 40-something out of ???? how many in your area? 100's? 1000s? 10s of thousands? Reality is that as younger woman going for an older man you're going to have (statistically) an advantage in the dating pool. You can already see this working by how ready this gentleman was to continue the relationship. If he's sweet but not for you, just let him know you're "not feeling it" and move on to the next date. Unless you live in a low population area, you have a LOT of fish in the sea with this approach. Edited January 22, 2023 by mark clemson
NuevoYorko Posted January 23, 2023 Posted January 23, 2023 6 hours ago, Ray_xx said: I went for the nice man with no chemistry and ended up leaving him after 4 years. My other ex was the complete opposite, I loved him but he was controlling and it didn't work. I do not want a bad boy at all, hence going for someone who was older and quite posh from phone conversations. I just didn't fancy him. I haven't got the impression from what you've written that you are into "bad boys." You said that the men in your age range that you've met have been immature. Now you met a nice older one with whom you had no chemistry. Probably, age is not the most important factor. I suggest you keep your age limit higher but don't automatically "next" guys in their 30s. Though a 30 year old man seems to be about the equivalent to a 21 year old one back in my day ... 3
Lotsgoingon Posted January 23, 2023 Posted January 23, 2023 Heads up: next time, don't spent 4 hours with someone you lack chemistry with. And don't quickly and daily text with the person. You can let your behavior do the talking. No, you can't really force things. BTW: keep up your strategy, if it's working meaning at least you met a good guy. Do NOT assume good guys and chemistry don't go together. Totally wrong. Keep looking until you find both. 2
Ami1uwant Posted January 23, 2023 Posted January 23, 2023 8 hours ago, Ray_xx said: Like I say, it's just more the attraction that wasn't there. I am not saying he was repulsive to me, but I didn't see any little things I liked and I didn't want to hold his hand and felt he was trying to get close to me at points. I just want someone who is loving and kind, as I am but I want to feel that urge to kiss them or hear from them again. This did not happen. I will find it. What I’m saying is….live in reality not fantasy. attraction rarely starts when you first meet someone. If you put up to high of a bar nobody will meet your requirements. 1
poppyfields Posted January 23, 2023 Posted January 23, 2023 1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said: Do NOT assume good guys and chemistry don't go together. Totally wrong. Keep looking until you find both. Totally agree, look for a healthy balance (see my previous) 1
FMW Posted January 23, 2023 Posted January 23, 2023 I didn't really feel physical attraction for my guy when we met 3 1/2 years ago, but there was something about him that made me want to keep seeing him. It didn't take too long for the physical to kick in, full force. It sounds like you're not feeling anything special with this guy at all. If that's the case, you weren't wrong to pass on another date. 2
JTSW Posted January 23, 2023 Posted January 23, 2023 If you are not feeling it with this guy then that is perfectly ok. Honey you are perfectly normal and you know what you want. I'm sure there is someone perfect for you out there. I wish you all the best 1
mortensorchid Posted February 2, 2023 Posted February 2, 2023 Chemistry is important between two people. You have to be physically attracted to one another as well as making an emotional, intellectual and work ethic connection with them. If you don't have any let alone all of them, you don't have much. And you can't force it either. So it's a good thing that you rejected him when you did. Otherwise you'll regret it later on.
smackie9 Posted February 4, 2023 Posted February 4, 2023 Finding the full package takes effort. You will need to put yourself out there a lot, not only doing online dating but going out and doing things socially. But don't go at it alone, make it a girls night out.
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