Emotionally volatile ex roommate spreading rumours at school (sorry its long)

[Clamsarecool]

Me (28) and a classmate (27) moved in together. She has had some childhood trauma and has pretty bad anxiety. I don't think she is a bad person, but she could be very emotionally volatile. I have seen her put holes in the wall with her head, bang her head on the floor, I kept her razors for her (with her permission) because she had intentionally cut herself so bad that the paramedics thought she might need surgery (she didn't thankfully), I have come home to her screaming and banging on the walls in her room. Panic attacks. It was a lot. But she was my friend and going through a hard time so I didn't judge, and I have my own trauma too.

I felt for her as she had just had a falling out with her ex best friend. She told me a few stories about ex-coworkers and others who treated her badly along the months living together, even after she cared and supported them. I felt for her because it seemed like all these people were taking advantage of her kindness.

She was a supportive friend and truly cared about people. That is also how she would talk about herself and who she is as a person. Every emotion she showed was genuine, so why wouldn't you believe anything she tells you? She was a good friend when times were hard. But it felt like when it was my turn to support her, and she felt you didn't care/support her in a certain way or enough, she would say things like 'I was there for you when you were doing bad, why can't you be here for me,' 'I care so much for you, don't you care about me?' 'I always put you first' or start giving examples of when she was there for you. I brushed it off because sometimes people say things they don't mean when they are upset! It still hurt and made me feel guilty and that maybe I wasn't a good friend. But then that narrative never changed while living together, even when I HAD been there for her, a lot. It felt like she was always keeping score of all the good things she did for me, and subconsciously all the things she thought was wrong with me. I genuinely think if anyone asked her today when I had been a friend for her, she could not think of anything.

Her boyfriend was going to move in (I had no problem with it) Went to talk to them about changing what they had proposed for rent (I wanted to split utilities instead of a flat rate). Very long story short it felt like the conversation turned into listing things they didn't like about me as a person and a roommate. If I tried to talk or give my side, my classmate would start self harming by ripping at her skin etc and her boyfriend would calm her down. But if I rolled my eyes you bet she called me out for it! (not saying its ok) If I brought anything up about them they said that I need to practice 'giving the benefit of the doubt.' They said some very hurtful things and it got to the point where they were bringing up things like I was somehow controlling their robot vacuum to only do my bedroom kind of thing. It wasn't one of the smart robots that mapped. It felt like they had such a negative view as me as a person, that they would assume I would react in a certain, but negative way about some issue, and would be upset based on what they thought my reaction would be (ex: me and her share one half of the fridge, and she was upset I am making her and her boyfriend share one side of the fridge, when I had NEVER talked or even thought about it, AND HE HADNT EVEN MOVED IN YET. They would bring up neutral statements I made in the past and got upset because they would say the way I said it meant I wanted things my way. And of course they talked about all these things they do for me and how I just take too much and they can't do it anymore and it just kept going.

Friends don't keep score. I know there were definitely times where I was in the wrong. I know I have flaws. But I felt like she just can't accept people for who they are, then took things extremely personally when you would inavdverdnetly trigger her anxiety when you were just minding your own business and then she added it to her tally. I don't think she has any long term friendships, and I think that is why. But on the surface level you would never know! I started to disconnect, a minor issue came up but I didn't care anymore and didn't go out of my way to talk about it. She confronted me crying about how much she cares for me and I was honest and told her that my mental health has been doing really well, and I didn't think it was worth it. Eventually I completely disconnected from them, why would they keep someone in their life who had so many terrible qualities and was a bad friend who never gave back? Ironically ere both VERY ANGRY about it, to the point where she messaged my boyfriend talking about how terrible I was, she's too scared to talk to me or leave her room, how she has always been there for me, and I have only been there for her one time, that now that Im doing well I have thrown her to the side like trash and I don't care if she dies. How she is doing so bad that she thinks she needs to be hospitalized. And I don't know if it is wrong but I didn't really feel anything because I kind of heard a less dramatic version of it many times before, when we were actually friends. They were so angry anything I did would blow them up or it was my fault. It got to the point where my boyfriend told me to phone him immediately if I am ever alone and they show up (they were living elsewhere for the last month because it was pretty tense but still had keys), and one of my best friend's who is a cop was worried and suggested hiding a petcam. Long story short eventually I called non emergency, cops got involved because they wrecked something of mine expensive, I showed the cops the pictures/videos I had, the damage to the walls etc, and they said they looked up her file (she's been hospitalized a few times. Then my boyfriend and I stayed in my bedroom and the cops stood outside my door, while she cried and family/friends (?) packed up.

I know how she thinks, and I know that she is saying things behind my back. I spoke with the chair of our program who told me not to worry about it and commended me on how professional I handled the situation. I am happy, I have good people in my life and things are good, but I think she has a victim mentality, she is genuinely emotional and has obviously spread stories to our classmates etc because people are starting to act weird around me. Initially I just told myself to let it go, but now classmates are acting weird around me and I don't know what to do about it or how I should mentally move on completely.

TL:DR Completely disconnected from my classmate who I was living with and she was very very upset about it. While living with her she self harmed by bashing her head into walls, cutting herself to the point surgery was contemplated and things like that. She didn't seem to realize the emotional impact that could have on a bystander. She liked to keep score of the good things she did for me (and others!) and subconsciously of the things she thought was wrong with you especially when she felt you didn't support her the same way or you did something to trigger her anxiety. She genuinely feels the emotions she's feeling, and surface level she is just a normal nice human, so whatever she is telling classmates will be taken as truth and I also think because I am a POC (she is too but different, but there are a lot of negative stereotypes with mine) now people are starting to act weird around me and I don't know what to do about it! I've heard the way she talks about people who 'left' her in the past and it is not...pretty?

 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

It can be insidiously damaging to have a toxic relationship because it makes you focus externally and make you try to control your surroundings with an inordinate amount of energy.

It is not necessary to counter or refute every falsehood. Establish priorities. Things are big deals in some cases, but not in others. Invest in the big picture. Don't waste energy disproving a lie. You can't prove something said about you isn't true. Simply affirm that the lie is not true. Your integrity and record of reliability and trustworthiness will lend credibility to your assertions.

Keep in mind that these kinds of problems behaviors have nothing to do with you. Their behavior is the problem. These are actually the behaviors of someone who is nervous or anxious. 

When someone in your inner circle spreads falsehoods, affirm what is true, and ask them not to enable it by being simple, direct, benign but firm. No easy task, I'm sure. Keep your head up and enlist the help of friends and family. Attest to your own integrity, not counter-character assassination. Eventually, you'll understand who your true friends are and what type of people you want in your inner circle.

Ultimately, you can't control this person regardless of what you say or do. Defend your boundaries by deciding what your limits are, then enforcing them. Then, as hard as it is to do so, let the rest go.

Edited January 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

You are no longer living with this person, correct?  It sounds like there were red flags about her from the beginning and it was a very poor decision for you to move in with her in the first place.  You don't owe anyone anything just because you "feel bad" for them.

You can't control what she is going to say to other people about you.  Don't even try.  Just cut her out of your life completely, block her, and continue living your life normally.  Your true friends will know that you're a good person and won't believe lies about you.

[Clamsarecool]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

You are no longer living with this person, correct?  It sounds like there were red flags about her from the beginning and it was a very poor decision for you to move in with her in the first place.  You don't owe anyone anything just because you "feel bad" for them.

You can't control what she is going to say to other people about you.  Don't even try.  Just cut her out of your life completely, block her, and continue living your life normally.  Your true friends will know that you're a good person and won't believe lies about you.

No I am not living with them, the cops pretty much escorted them out!

She's the kind of person where no one would expect it and she has a lot of 'acquaintances' and volunteers a bunch so the red flags were hard to see!
She keeps out of my way luckily, she acts like she's 'scared' and will usually leave if she doesn't have close friends near.

You are right, I guess I can take this as practice on focusing on the people that matter, and not on what other people think. Thank you for your input

[Clamsarecool]

15 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It can be insidiously damaging to have a toxic relationship because it makes you focus externally and make you try to control your surroundings with an inordinate amount of energy.

It is not necessary to counter or refute every falsehood. Establish priorities. Things are big deals in some cases, but not in others. Invest in the big picture. Don't waste energy disproving a lie. You can't prove something said about you isn't true. Simply affirm that the lie is not true. Your integrity and record of reliability and trustworthiness will lend credibility to your assertions.

Keep in mind that these kinds of problems behaviors have nothing to do with you. Their behavior is the problem. These are actually the behaviors of someone who is nervous or anxious. 

When someone in your inner circle spreads falsehoods, affirm what is true, and ask them not to enable it by being simple, direct, benign but firm. No easy task, I'm sure. Keep your head up and enlist the help of friends and family. Attest to your own integrity, not counter-character assassination. Eventually, you'll understand who your true friends are and what type of people you want in your inner circle.

Ultimately, you can't control this person regardless of what you say or do. Defend your boundaries by deciding what your limits are, then enforcing them. Then, as hard as it is to do so, let the rest go.

That was really well said. Thank you