I can't believe what my a$$ bf did this time.............

[Walk]

I am just PISSED today. All day yesterday I cried, and wanted to rip my heart out, it hurt so bad. Today, fire of hell is a mild version of how I feel.

 

So, he works very long hours, and is gone most the week. He pays all the bills, while I go to college. His preference. I've begged to pay half or at least a portion. Well, he comes home Saturday surly, grumpy and mad at the world. I know by now not to push anything with him while he's this way, so I said I was going to visit my parents for a few hours. He got all quiet, and would hardly talk. I come home, he won't talk. I suggest we go upstairs and get naked. He picks up his guitar and starts banging on it. (I was a little hurt, but trying not to let it show.) So, with a smile on my face, I tell him I'm going up stairs, and if he'd like, he can join me.

 

He never came up, just kept playing the guitar for a few hours.

 

We have dinner at home, watch some TV, I try to cuddle up next to him, and hold his hand, but he's being like a stone and obviously doesn't want me to. So I back off. Hell, I'm tired of being pushed away.

 

After dinner I again suggest that we could slip upstairs and have wild passionate sex. And if he isn't up for wild, then just let me have my way with him and then he can sleep. Definite NO. Not interested.

 

Great... So he goes to bed. I'm upset, cause he seems like he's mad at me and won't talk to me. Next morning we get up, he's barely talking. We have breakfast, watch a comedy. He still won't even let me hold his hand. He's getting more and more surly. I'm getting more and more frustrated. Then after the comedy, he does the dishes and takes the trash out. Then leads me into the kitchen and say's "See, took me 7 minutes to clean it. How does that equate to my working 90 hours per week?" I said it didn't, and I never said it did. (I NEVER brought up cleaning, or housework the entire weekend.) He swears I did, and that I'm using it as how I do as much as he does. I swear, I don't remember ever saying anything about housework. I don't even think of it like that. Why would I say it? I do it because I enjoy a clean house, not for him, or to be "even".

 

The whole thing boils down to he doesn't feel he's getting enough sex, and how I'm not trying hard enough to make sure that his needs are met. So I remind him of how I've asked a couple of different times, with no response from him. He say's it's because I didn't say, "whenever you want sex I'm ready." All cause I didn't say that, he's pissed at me??? Not like I hadn't been trying to get in his pants the last two days? Like I've been denying him sex or something.

 

He gets pissed and walks out. Then much later asks me to dinner Sunday evening, and he's acting really weird. I know he's pissed, but he's whistling songs. We go to dinner. He say's it's getting to the point (not having sex) that he's not going to be able to control his sexual urges and will have to look other places to fulfill his needs. Then say's at least 20 other women would kill to be in my shoes. I'm thinking, "Yeah, right!!!!!!" Have at it! But at the same time, the thought goes through my mind that having some one just ask to have sex with you isn't very arousing, and maybe I should've been more forceful about the whole thing. Come out naked or something. Except I've tried that in the past, and it hasn't exactly ended in stellar results. Usually I end up back in the bedroom crying. So I wasn't terribly eager to do that again. And then the waitress comes out and asks how dinner is. I'm obviously crying, but she pretends I'm not. (she was nice.) The ass say's, "It is wonderful, thank you so much. (calls her by name) you've been great. Thank you!" Like he's trying to rub it in my face or something.

 

I'm pissed!! He better do some fast talking when he gets home. Men: All I can say is, hell hath no fury like a pissed off woman!!!! I will bend over backward, look at a problem from every single possible angel, give everything I own to someone I care about, and never ask for anything in return. But I get called a money grubbing bitch... GAME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Art_Critic]

He is threatening you with cheating and name calling you a money grubbing biotch..

 

Sorry to say this but it sounds to me like your relationship with this guy is down for the count..

 

Unless you can get him to come around and communicate to you the " Real " reason he is threatening you then I would start looking for a new place.

 

Anybody that resorts to abusive tactics like name calling and threatening infidelity doesn't deserve to be in a relationship and is severly lacking in maturity.

 

He had done nothing but make the problem worse instead of just talking about it with you..

[Walk]

Wait... wait...

 

He didn't call me a money grubbing b***. To me that is what it came down to, and how I heard it. But it's not specifically what he said.

 

However, he did say: "If I told you to go wash the car, you should jump to go do it, cause I've paid all the bills."

 

I'm still pissed. And I say. The man's an ass.

 

Of course, to hear his side of it, all I do is take his gifts and money and do nothing all day. I never ask for anything. Gifts he bought were a nintendo DS system with the nintendog's game. Cause he wanted the new Castelvania game that could only be played on the DS system. Now he's using that as how he gives me stuff and I never do anything for him.

[Art_Critic]

It's all about power and control.

 

A mature man would never talk to a woman that he loves like this "If I told you to go wash the car, you should jump to go do it, cause I've paid all the bills"

 

I can say with no doubt that if I had ever talked to any GF in that manner I would've been shown the door and the end of the relationship.

 

His view of you and his money issue of control will not change or get better.. It will continue to get worse.

 

Your choice as how to handle it.. But I think I would seriously consider kicking him to the curb..

 

This time in your relationship is nothing more than a crystal ball to the future of how he will treat you and how he will handle things..

[glittergurl]

Jee, Walk ... I would say, uhmm, walk away. (okay that was a stupid joke). But seriously, he's not acting like he really gives a sh?t about this relationship. I would leave; at least for a while. So he can see I don't need his mean a$$. But well, I don't think he'll ever change.

[Walk]

Too True!!!

 

He's said other things in the past that were.... off color. But I'm usually overly forgiving, and willing to agree there are differences in peoples perceptions.

 

Off the record though... Can I tell a secret. I was pissed at him a couple of weeks ago for something else, and I went and sat at a bar/restaurant for one beer. (by myself) I was looking around, and thinking, "this is what my life would be like single". It scared the hell outta me!!

 

I guess sometimes life kicks you around, right? Just gotta make the best of it?

 

Oh, one last thing. If he has paid all the bills, and deposit for the apartment, is it protocol to kick him out, or leave? I'm under the belief that if he's paid all the bills, and deposit, I should leave. (even though we're both on the lease.) I'm not concerned if he walks out on the lease, I don't have any money and wouldn't be able to afford it even if I did live there. He, however, makes damn near a grand a week.

[glittergurl]

Couldn't you stay with your parents until you can afford a place of your own? That's what I'd do; and my parents would be happy to have me back in the house lol

[Walk]

Thanks...I tried to explain to him that it's all in the past. Most of this stuff happened a long time ago. But he says it does matter because it says what kind of person I am.

 

Yeah... I could. My parents are awesome, and anytime I've ever hinted at being upset with the bf, or whatever, they always say I can stay there. It's just that, I'm 31 years old!!!! What kind of retarded childish behavior is that?!?!

 

"Hi. I live with my parents."

 

 

All because I believed the a$$ and quit my job to go back to school full time. Thinking, he must really love me to want me to quit my job so badly and follow my dreams. I had a pension, full heath coverage, raises, and a paid health club membership! *sigh* Now I have to ask my mommy and daddy if I can stay at their house until I can support myself again.

[FataMorgana]

so sorry about your troubles walk. It's a difficult situation to be so tied up and dependant on someone who isn't mature enough to live with it.

 

Don't worry about living with you parents. At least they want you there and won't rub it in your face they are paying the bills. It's only temporary anyway, be glad to have them there for support and you get another chance to spend some more quality time with your parents.

 

Also shouldn't regret quitting your job and following your dreams. It's a hard decision to make, not many people have the guts to do it, but when it's all over in the future and you get another job doing what you love, who will care about a paid health club memebership. really?

 

be stong and try talk things through with your BF, but if he's not willing to listen then maybe it is time for a new life.

[glittergurl]

Now I have to ask my mommy and daddy if I can stay at their house until I can support myself again.

 

Hey, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In your situation, this is the best solution for now. You are lucky that your parents are there for you; many people are in the same kind of trouble and do not have anybody to turn to.

 

Just give yourself time to get back on your feet. I wouldn't stay with him; you diserve so much better. You mentioned goals and projects you have given up on since you're with him ... do you really think your life will get any better if you stay? I think your goals have a bigger chance of getting accomplished if you move back in with your parents for a little while, and then get a place of your own when the time is right.

[Walk]

I'd just like to clarify that I tried to copy/paste glittergirls comments about parents, and instead somehow pasted that.... hmmm... gremlins in my 'puter. hehe.

 

Thanks for letting me rant. I feel better.. sort of.

 

Personally, I think the man went off the deep end, and didn't bother informing me before the dive. One second he's telling me I'm great, and thanking me for little stuff I've done, next thing I know he's ticked off, surly and telling me I can be replaced in a heart beat. All because he's saying I'm not putting out. What EVER!! I kept asking, trying, hinting... everything I could think of. Yet I'm the one not putting out.

 

(Sorry if I'm being a little childish in my speech, but 'm not feeling very coherent right now.)

 

Anyway, thanks for the replies, and "listening". I needed an ear tonight.

[Skeered]

Honestly this is a competition relationship to your BF it sounds like..he is being resentful now over the decision he made to let you quit work and go to school. I don't think it has anything to do with you not takin care of his "needs" or anything he's jealous because you don't have the stress of the bills.

 

Also if I can place my opinion on this one when you say stuff like he didn't call you a money grubbing bi*** that you just felt like he said that to you or when you say that this is what you think he's thinking..etc... you really shouldn't be putting those thoughts in your head to make yourself believe them if he DIDN"T say that then don't tell yourself he did. Also one more thing and I'll get off my high horse...lol when you say how lame it will sound that you are 31 and living with your parents..think of this as a lesson learned...unless you are in a marriage or something that is 100% set in stone for sure (which is hardly ever) do not ever place your security in someone else's hands. We have but one person that we can truly count on in this world and that is ourselves. If you chose to follow your Bf's advice to quit work and go to school fulltime that's fine but don't blame him if now it puts you in a spot of no income and no place to live..this one you have to take full responsibility for.

[Walk]

We have but one person that we can truly count on in this world and that is ourselves. If you chose to follow your Bf's advice to quit work and go to school fulltime that's fine but don't blame him if now it puts you in a spot of no income and no place to live..this one you have to take full responsibility for.

 

I do know this. And it's good advice. It's just that sometimes I think we need to place our trust in someone else, if we feel that this is the person we would wish to live our lives with. If I can't trust that person after a significant period of time, then should I be with that person? So if at no point in the relationship (because even marriage is no guarantee) do we fully place our trust in the person we've chosen, will we ever? And have we been careful, or just pessimistic, and scared?

 

So I chose, after long deliberation, to place this much power over my life in his hands.

 

However, I'm not stupid... and I guess it wasn't a total placement of trust. I just don't fear starting over from scratch if I have to. I don't have any debts, my car is paid off (my hard work) and I don't need much food to live. So being homeless doesn't scare me like it would some. Living with my parents however is not an option I like to consider. (That places me in debt with them, in a period of their life that I should be giving more then getting.)

 

My frustration is more with the lack of respect in his comment. I wouldn't blame him, or be angry at him if I end up homeless. I made the choices that had the potential to put me in that situation.

 

But thank you for the advice. It's something I need to keep in mind, and not let myself ever get sucked into the "poor me" mentality.

[mini696]

I would suggest he is already trying to "get some" elswhere already. For someone to use such a hurtful statement like he did they must already be seriously thinking about it - if not acting apon it -.

 

Guys should not use their work hours as an excuse to pickon their GF's about their problems. If he thinks he works too much and doesnt get anything in return - whatever that may be - from you then he should do something about it. Quit, change his hours, whatever it takes, but not take it out on you. The person he is meant to love.

 

Using sex as an excuse too is lame, childish, and hurtful. Obviously you are activly going about trying to give him some, and he thinks by rejecting you he'll be a bigger man. All that does is hurt you, and push you away from doing it again. He thinks he is not giving you what you want. Very childish, and a very strange thing to do.

 

And it takes more than 7 minutes to clean the kitchen - if its done properly -. This guys an ass.

 

I would kick this guy to the kerb. Men like him frustrate me no end.

 

Mick

[noclobber]

I am just PISSED today. All day yesterday I cried, and wanted to rip my heart out, it hurt so bad. Today, fire of hell is a mild version of how I feel.

 

So, he works very long hours, and is gone most the week. He pays all the bills, while I go to college. His preference. I've begged to pay half or at least a portion. Well, he comes home Saturday surly, grumpy and mad at the world. I know by now not to push anything with him while he's this way, so I said I was going to visit my parents for a few hours. He got all quiet, and would hardly talk. I come home, he won't talk. I suggest we go upstairs and get naked. He picks up his guitar and starts banging on it. (I was a little hurt, but trying not to let it show.) So, with a smile on my face, I tell him I'm going up stairs, and if he'd like, he can join me.

 

He never came up, just kept playing the guitar for a few hours.

 

We have dinner at home, watch some TV, I try to cuddle up next to him, and hold his hand, but he's being like a stone and obviously doesn't want me to. So I back off. Hell, I'm tired of being pushed away.

 

After dinner I again suggest that we could slip upstairs and have wild passionate sex. And if he isn't up for wild, then just let me have my way with him and then he can sleep. Definite NO. Not interested.

 

Great... So he goes to bed. I'm upset, cause he seems like he's mad at me and won't talk to me. Next morning we get up, he's barely talking. We have breakfast, watch a comedy. He still won't even let me hold his hand. He's getting more and more surly. I'm getting more and more frustrated. Then after the comedy, he does the dishes and takes the trash out. Then leads me into the kitchen and say's "See, took me 7 minutes to clean it. How does that equate to my working 90 hours per week?" I said it didn't, and I never said it did. (I NEVER brought up cleaning, or housework the entire weekend.) He swears I did, and that I'm using it as how I do as much as he does. I swear, I don't remember ever saying anything about housework. I don't even think of it like that. Why would I say it? I do it because I enjoy a clean house, not for him, or to be "even".

 

The whole thing boils down to he doesn't feel he's getting enough sex, and how I'm not trying hard enough to make sure that his needs are met. So I remind him of how I've asked a couple of different times, with no response from him. He say's it's because I didn't say, "whenever you want sex I'm ready." All cause I didn't say that, he's pissed at me??? Not like I hadn't been trying to get in his pants the last two days? Like I've been denying him sex or something.

 

He gets pissed and walks out. Then much later asks me to dinner Sunday evening, and he's acting really weird. I know he's pissed, but he's whistling songs. We go to dinner. He say's it's getting to the point (not having sex) that he's not going to be able to control his sexual urges and will have to look other places to fulfill his needs. Then say's at least 20 other women would kill to be in my shoes. I'm thinking, "Yeah, right!!!!!!" Have at it! But at the same time, the thought goes through my mind that having some one just ask to have sex with you isn't very arousing, and maybe I should've been more forceful about the whole thing. Come out naked or something. Except I've tried that in the past, and it hasn't exactly ended in stellar results. Usually I end up back in the bedroom crying. So I wasn't terribly eager to do that again. And then the waitress comes out and asks how dinner is. I'm obviously crying, but she pretends I'm not. (she was nice.) The ass say's, "It is wonderful, thank you so much. (calls her by name) you've been great. Thank you!" Like he's trying to rub it in my face or something.

 

I'm pissed!! He better do some fast talking when he gets home. Men: All I can say is, hell hath no fury like a pissed off woman!!!! I will bend over backward, look at a problem from every single possible angel, give everything I own to someone I care about, and never ask for anything in return. But I get called a money grubbing bitch... GAME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

i am not trying to justify what ur BF is doing but did u ever talk it out with him? i think the roles of men and women often lay the foundation of many problems. some men think they earn and so have a right for sex anytime from their woman.. some women think since they provide sex their guy has to fulfill all their needs.. there has to be a balance somewhere.

 

in ur case u were willing to "comfort" him once u found that he was grumpy and surly. but did u refuse to sleep with him some time before that? may be that wud have pissed him off.. he must have gone thinking along the lines of "gosh i was willing to care of this woman completely but she doesn't do the same for me".. i may be wrong but i think this is what is happening. u guys need some open and honest communication.. trying to compare how much he does for u and how little he is getting in return makes me think that he feels betrayed by something that u r doing (or not doing). how often do u guys have sex?

 

u got to talk with him before deciding to break it off..

[whichwayisup]

You've done nothing wrong. He is going through his own s***, has mood swings, does the silent treatment and acts like a big baby. You know what? Leave him alone. Let him stew in his own s***. He wants you to react and guess what? You're reacting...So, stop. It's that simple. He's being a complete dick because he feels like it, he's disrespecting you and doesn't care.

 

He say's it's getting to the point (not having sex) that he's not going to be able to control his sexual urges and will have to look other places to fulfill his needs. Then say's at least 20 other women would kill to be in my shoes.

 

I would've packed a bag and left for the night after that statement. Seriously. That crossed the line and he is f***ing with you now. Malcious, or not, joking around or not, that is a total threat and a game for him... He is pushing you to see how much s*** you'll take.

 

There's something else going on, and it's not about you or what you did/didn't do.

[westernxer]

Now I have to ask my mommy and daddy if I can stay at their house until I can support myself again.

 

Nothing wrong with that. I recently moved in with my parents when I was unemployed and looking for work. I'm just glad they were around to help me out, so I could save some money. It's definitely a stigma, but sometimes you gotta say "fuuck it." At 32, I couldn't care less if it makes me look like a loser. I get along good with my parents, and that's all that matters. I also worry about their health, so I'm more than happy to help them whenever they need it.

[Walk]

in ur case u were willing to "comfort" him once u found that he was grumpy and surly. but did u refuse to sleep with him some time before that? may be that wud have pissed him off.. he must have gone thinking along the lines of "gosh i was willing to care of this woman completely but she doesn't do the same for me".. i may be wrong but i think this is what is happening. u guys need some open and honest communication.. trying to compare how much he does for u and how little he is getting in return makes me think that he feels betrayed by something that u r doing (or not doing). how often do u guys have sex?

 

See.. This is what really gets my goat!! I've turned him down twice in 2 years. Both times because I was in pain, and I explained that to him at the time.

 

However, he turns me down 4 outta every 5 times I ask. He had also said he feels like I'm throwing him a bone, when we have sex. How? When I'm the one begging, and still can't get it. He just sits there.

 

And all I know is, that whatever henious crime I committed happened about 8 months ago, cause that's when everything went down hill. Best I can get out of what he say's is that I wasn't giving him enough sex at the time either.

 

Hmmm... coincides closely to when I quit my job....

 

I talked with him several times before quitting. He say's; "Everything you're doing right now is everything I need." I ask what else I can do since I won't be paying half the bills. He say's nothing, everything I was doing was perfect. And how happy he was, and how he wanted me to go back to school, and blah, blah, blah....

 

Then bam! Suddenly I'm not meeting his sexual needs. (I have NEVER busted ass so hard to make a guy have sex with me. OMG! Everything you can think of, I tried, plus more.) He said I was trying to hard, I tried not trying so hard, that didn't work. I have tried everything. I'm tapped out. Out of ideas. I've talked to him, I've read every book, every internet site, watched porno's, talked to other people, talked to myself, talked to my freaking MOTHER about it. (I'm not comfortable talking to my mom about my sex life!) And it's always the same message from him: his needs aren't getting met. AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

[littlekitty]

See.. This is what really gets my goat!! I've turned him down twice in 2 years. Both times because I was in pain, and I explained that to him at the time.

 

However, he turns me down 4 outta every 5 times I ask. He had also said he feels like I'm throwing him a bone, when we have sex. How? When I'm the one begging, and still can't get it. He just sits there.

 

And it's always the same message from him: his needs aren't getting met. AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

 

Have you actually clearly and concisely raised this point with him? Have you pointed out that he turns you down for sex more often than not, so how can it be that you are not providing for his sexual needs? You're sure trying!!

 

What does he say? Does he have an explanation? Does he understand that it's not that you're not offering, it's his choice to have it so little?

 

This just doesn't make sense. My only thought is that it's actually nothing to do with the issue.

 

Maybe there are some other needs of his you are not meeting? Have you tried asking him about that? What else he might like you to do?

 

I'd personally get out. There's a huge number of red flags for me in what you say. He's controlling you more and more by the sounds of it.

[Walk]

This just doesn't make sense. My only thought is that it's actually nothing to do with the issue.

 

Interesting take. Hadn't really thought of that.

 

As far as saying to him that he turns me down, I have. He said I have to be more arousing because he's so tired, or frustrated, with his job. That he has a hard time getting his mind away from it. Which I can understand. I'm the same way sometimes.

 

My Mom emails me back last night... I didn't give her any details of the problem, just that we were arguing. She say's, from things you've said in the past, maybe it'd be mentally healther for you to stay with us for a while until you can get back on your feet. And how she'd been in situations that weren't very mentally healthy and she was glad she got out when she did.

 

*sigh* We get to talk tonight.. weee... I have a test in an hour and a half, and I bombed my test yesterday. I need to study.

 

Thanks for the advice, and suggestions. I really do appreciate it!!

[littlekitty]

Good luck with the test Walk. And with the talk tonight.

 

I have to say I agree with your mother. It seems to me, that it isn't a mentally healthy place for you to be.

 

It isn't just YOUR responsiblity to make yourself attractive to him so he wants to 'do' you! He should be doing the same thing for you. It should be equal, a joint desire. You alone can't be resposibile for acting in a manner that arouses him after a hard day.

 

I can understand that we aren't always in the mood when we are tired or stressed. But it's not your only job to make sure he is!!

[megabit15]

And all I know is, that whatever henious crime I committed happened about 8 months ago, cause that's when everything went down hill. Best I can get out of what he say's is that I wasn't giving him enough sex at the time either.

 

Hmmm... coincides closely to when I quit my job....

......And it's always the same message from him: his needs aren't getting met. AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Quite clearly it is not about his sexual needs. It appears to me that his feelings have changed dramatically since you are no longer working. It has affected his desire and respect for you. If you do not want to give up your current path of graduating (and I hope you do not!), perhaps moving in with your parents is a good idea. You need support for your decision, and he clearly has some sort of issue with it. Who knows what the issue is - maybe he resents financially supporting you, lack of having an equal comrade, maybe feeling more like a dad to you, feeling pressure of having to be solely responsible, etc. It is possible that he does not know what it is himself.

 

But in light of all of this, how is he going to feel if you two have children and you stay home with them for a while? He will treat you like crap then too. Not a prize attitude to have towards a woman. His comment about taking 7 minutes to clean a kitchen? Big red flag darling. It also seems that there is a problem regarding how to communicate and resolve conflict. Another big red flag. It can possibly be worked through, but it takes some self awareness on his part. Also takes a very level head on your part - meaning not getting defensive or upset in order to to have an honest and respectful dialog if he does say what's on his mind. Keep your eyes open on this one sweetie.

[noclobber]

See.. This is what really gets my goat!! I've turned him down twice in 2 years. Both times because I was in pain, and I explained that to him at the time.

 

However, he turns me down 4 outta every 5 times I ask. He had also said he feels like I'm throwing him a bone, when we have sex. How? When I'm the one begging, and still can't get it. He just sits there.

 

And all I know is, that whatever henious crime I committed happened about 8 months ago, cause that's when everything went down hill. Best I can get out of what he say's is that I wasn't giving him enough sex at the time either.

 

Hmmm... coincides closely to when I quit my job....

 

I talked with him several times before quitting. He say's; "Everything you're doing right now is everything I need." I ask what else I can do since I won't be paying half the bills. He say's nothing, everything I was doing was perfect. And how happy he was, and how he wanted me to go back to school, and blah, blah, blah....

 

Then bam! Suddenly I'm not meeting his sexual needs. (I have NEVER busted ass so hard to make a guy have sex with me. OMG! Everything you can think of, I tried, plus more.) He said I was trying to hard, I tried not trying so hard, that didn't work. I have tried everything. I'm tapped out. Out of ideas. I've talked to him, I've read every book, every internet site, watched porno's, talked to other people, talked to myself, talked to my freaking MOTHER about it. (I'm not comfortable talking to my mom about my sex life!) And it's always the same message from him: his needs aren't getting met. AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

 

Walk i am sorry to say this but i have a very strong feeling that ur man is just using this "lack of sex" thing as an excuse.. from ur reply it's very clear that you have done your very best to satisfy this person's needs and still if he cites the same reasons then its obvious that he is just using it as a cop out. the sex thing is not a factor at all!! he is angry with you on some other grounds.. can u find out what it is? i have a feeling that he is frustrated about the fact that u r not working and he is solely responsible for all the bills. now it is he that said that u can go to college and he will take care of the bills. so u r not at fault here. it's very obvious that he made a bad decision and now regrets it. and he can't blame u b'cos he knows that it's he that asked u to go to college... but still he wants to vent out his anger and just chose the sex issue.

 

now here is what i think u shud do. just tell him that u r going to take up a part-time job and be responsible for a portion of the bills and see how he reacts. now this is only if u still love him and want things to work out.. based on what u have written this man doesn't appear to be mature and strong enough to tell you what is REALLY bothering him.. talk to him about sharing the bills. if he once again pulls out some crap i would say that u just have to walk out, as hard as it may seem.

 

good luck, keep us posted!

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds to me like he's making excuses for a relationship that he finds himself emotionally checking out of.

[Walk]

He comes home Wednesday. I think I was mostly calm by then, and so was he. I'd already put most of my belongings in my car, and I figured I'd hear him out, we could discuss it, and if I still couldn't make sense of it, then it'd only take me three minutes to get out the door.

 

I laid it all on the table, then listened. He said his comments were meant to wake me up, and take this seriously. That he isn't saying he wants me to ask for sex more often, but to not sound so ambivalent about having sex when I say it. (He put it nicer then this.) He gave the example of saying, "I'm going to dinner, and if you'd like you can join me." Versus: "I'd like to go out to dinner and I want you to come with me."

 

So if you put that in sex terms. I say "If you feel up to it, I'd like to have sex" Versus: "I want to have sex with you. It's kind of a question of semantics. But I can see where he's coming from. A lot of the way I phrase my "requests" for sex sound fairly non-caring on whether he's there or if we have it. I don't mean it like that, but it sounds like that.

 

He gave me the example of: "I want to be here." Or "I want to be here with you." Expresses the desire to have that person there with you, not just that it's okay, or you're willing to go along with it. But an actually expression of wanting that other person in your life, or wanting to make them happy. Not just a "yeah, if you wanna...

 

I was having a hard time with the "getting his sexual needs filled elsewhere" comment, so I went back to that again. What he says is he doesn't want to, he wants me. No one else. But he felt I wasn't taking this seriously. He doesn't want to lose me. That if he didn't love me, then he wouldn't be out there working 90 hour weeks so I could go back to school, and still try to spend every spare second he has with me. (Which is true.) There were a lot more reasons, but I don't really want to go into all the details.

 

I feel like an ass, sort of. I know it's not all my fault, he helped escalate the argument, but I sure didn't help. I get so wrapped up in how hurt I am. I hear one negative comment about him being unhappy earlier in the weekend, and I shut down and got defensive. Irritates me, because I've been working really hard to change this behavior.

 

So I don't think he's an ass anymore. But it does say a lot for actually asking your SO more questions and not getting defensive and hostile about it. And not letting your emotions get the better of you. If I'd asked better questions in the first place, this probably wouldn't have gotten so blown out of proportion. But I felt hurt, and all my questions were aimed at proving I was doing everything right, not in trying to find out all the information or understanding why he felt the way he did. Which meant nothing could get resolved, and neither of us were happy.

 

Next time I get on here and rant about something, one of you better remind me of this!!!