Dealing with the past

[lamento]

First of all I have been reading some of the threads here and felt them to be a great help getting perspective on my situation. I was more or less an emotional trashcan and very much on the edge - some logical advice and things seem to smooth out at least for a while.

 

The situation is my girlfriend broke things up with me around 5 weeks ago after 5 months together. This was due to her not being over the hurt her ex caused her after being unfaithful for 3 months untill she found out and broke things off with him. We met around a month afterwards with a small warning from her that things should stay easy to begin with and so I stepped back and let things roll untill things were clearer.

 

Things suprisingly progressed really well, I say suprisingly as I didn't expect alot to begin with after what she told me.After 2 months I told her I was serious and had strong feelings for her and she said the same. We enjoyed everything we did together and things were very honest.

 

I actually had no feeling their were any problems apart from her mentioning she hated the thought of bumping into her ex, my spider senses told me there were unresolved issues. Eventually she broke things off with me in tears after meeting her ex in the street a couple of days before and said she needed space and to be alone for some time. She was sure she didn't want him back and repeatedly said it was nothing I did wrong and that I was the greatest guy she's met in a long time - things were just fine before but it wasn't going to work when she still felt pain from the last relationship. I agreed that feeling the way she did it wouldn't although was really brought to my knees by her decision. I asked if there was a chance in the future should things work out emotionally and she said of course but not now and I shouldn't wait for her as it wasn't fair for me. It was pretty short and sweet and I left quietly without any arguement. Later I rang her just to tell her I love her and she said it made a difference hearing me say it and sounded happy.

 

Three days later I made contact telling her I would leave the door open if she had a change of heart but that I would have to get on with my life and do that with limited contact - We met a day later where she asked if we could still see each other in between on a friendly level but I couldn't agree as it was already painful enough to see her that time, she seemed to understand and said she had feelings too. I just agreed to some phone contact if she had a change of heart or wanted to talk things over and we left it at that. After a mail from me 2 weeks later describing how I felt about us and if there was a future we would have to start completely fresh but I also wrote that I am not hoping and waiting for an answer. She agreed, didn't give any hope but also didn't say that there was no chance with us.

 

A week ago she replied to my mail saying it was lovely to read it but she still has to have space and hoped I understood and if it is ok. I replied that I understood and this is goodbye. She wrote that we will talk in the future and hopefully meet and I agreed but non committally. I have now gone into NC untill I hear from her again.

 

Now I have been trying to piece together what happened and why. Very hard to be objective when I am still very much in love with her - I realise I need to give her space and time and I also realise I have to move ahead and get my life together - I also feel a bit used as she is much more emotionally messed up than she let on to me but I'm starting to think she probably didn't know how bad she was at the time. She is not a bad or dishonest person and has always been straight with me but when I'm dealing with someone who is unbalanced I'm not sure what to believe anymore.

 

[I]Has anyone had to deal with their past problems to move ahead to someone else in the wings and how long have these things usually taken to resolve? Has it ever worked out afterwards? Did you eventually fall in love? How did you get over your pain to move on with someone else?[/i]

 

A part of me wants to wait but only for a couple of months more - I know all about rebound relationships and how badly people can get screwed up very badly but with the honest chance of things working out it makes things very hard to get on with life and move on as she didn't do anything wrong as such and I can't blame her for the pain she has now. In some ways it would be easier if she had...

[downcydeguy]

You're gonna have to chalk it up under bad luck/bad timing my friend. You were her rebound and she's finally realizing that. She seems to be very considerate of your feelings and at least told you how she's feeling.

 

Have I been through something similar? Yes. But it was ME, not HER. I had been with a girl for over 7 years before she left. It was years later before she finally talked to me and gave me closure. I had been dating a girl for a few months at that point but couldn't get close to her for some reason. Once the closure happened, I opened up almost overnight.

 

All I can suggest is that you stick with no contact and go on with your life. When (if) she contacts you in the future, you can decide what to do then. I'll cross my fingers for ya but unfortunately I think the signs are not lookin too good right now.

[westernxer]

Now I have been trying to piece together what happened and why.

 

Don't. You'll drive yourself crazy doing so.

 

She's too messed up to know what she wants, yet she still doesn't want you.

 

Don't take it personal. Just move on, starting right now.

[fatcat]

I'd have to agree with the other replies. Forget her, Mr Rebound Man.

Grab a bottle of Jack Daniels if you must and forget this hag.

There are a million other chicks out there waiting for you to ask them out.

[brittanyjean259]

i know all about rebound relationships....and there is no future for you guys.....your holding on to hope thats not there....because you were blinded...and didnt know she wasnt over her ex..and she wont ever have that feeling for you....just as a friend...she shouldent have jumped in to another relationship....but at the time when your hurting...its hard to resist....

 

and you dont realize it until a while like 4 months or 5 months....this happend to my friend who was in love with her ex....went out with some1 else..and literally convinced her self that she loved this guy......when not...she liked him as if she could like ne other guy or convince her self....its a good thing he was on the rebound to....bc they both just cheated on eachother with their ex's...in your case the scenario is not like that........

 

 

but you can think of it like this

 

1) you got to experience love

2) 5 months isnt as bad as 3 years or longer....

3)your lucky she didnt hold done to you longer

4) its her loss because she still has to steal with the pain of her ex.

 

 

dont talk to her, because she will just get a little bit annoyed...and dont tell her you love her....you dont need to boost her ego....go get yours boosted:) lol jk but good luck

[lamento]

just want to thank you for the replies - I didn't have them checked to my mail reply and just seen them today.

 

An update..

I went into no contact with the occasional glitch in between since splitting - it was/is hard as you all know - the worst was thinking about the talks of things working out after time and space - me even feeling sorry for her for being so hurt and not thinking about myself - it's true she loved it when I broke down to tell her I missed her - almost absolved her for using me as she knew I was still pining and in effect willing to look over anything she did or does.

 

Last weekend I came to the end when she replied to my simple I miss you text message last week with Would I like to meet up for a coffee. I replied as calmly as possible that it would be fine and when would she be free. My mind was racing as of course the talks we had of making up all came back to me. I didn't hear from her in 3 days by the weekend and lost my temper - it was enough to sit there waiting for a reply over a stupid coffee that was probably going to lose me my sanity for another 3 months wondering on her next move. I wrote to her saying forget about the coffee - I wasted enough time waiting around for her and maybe see her in another life.

 

She exploded and said she was trying to find a convenient time - and sorry if I felt that way.. next day I regretted blowing my chance but realised I definately was not over her in any shape or form and it was probably a good thing we didn't meet - weakly I went back on what I said and wanted to meet her still - I was just angry at been f****d around. Later Saturday I receive a mail saying she didn't want to meet either - she's sure she would only hurt me further by meeting and I apparently wasn't over things yet - that was fine but she still needs space and time alone and nothing would change that.

 

I needed full closure.. I wasn't getting anywhere believing there was a chance in the future - maybe after 3-4 months but I am realistic and couldn't wait and had to hear it directly one way or another. I sent a mail asking if I should still believe there was a chance for us. She replied she never said there was a chance and I really had to believe her honesty..

 

Now I'm crazy but not mad - not deaf either - after 3 face to face talks with her shortly after the break and hearing her repeat it to me that there was a chance I felt like the rug had been pulled from under me. I could take it if she realised she was wrong or her feelings changed but to lie to me about what she said was like a slap in the face with a wet mullet..

 

I felt like a wet mullet since saturday - very stupid and very angry. I basically told her she knew as well as I do that was total bull**** and to go f**k herself amongst other things - I hate liars and the only thing she acheived to do was make me feel like an idiot.

 

I got my closure and I do feel better today for it and I feel like I am moving on at a much faster pace than before - the future looks brighter and I'm also glad I got to tell her where to go and that I don't want to hear from her in the future.

 

peace

[omegaRED]

Good for you Lamento. The worst part is when you`re being strung along. As you know, i was in the same boat as you are about the second chances and the lying and such, and you know, once i finally told her she`s free to do as she pleases (i didn`t use such strong language, but it`s not my style really. I prefer subtly hinting she can go to hell), i felt better. Sure, it hurts for a while after, but YOU made a choice. YOU decided that she doesn`t get to f**k with your head and heart anymore. Good for you, man, kudos!

 

This is, actually, the first step to healing. I know you wish that this was one of the more advanced stages, but IMHO, you had to take this step to start the process. You weren`t really healing untill now.

 

Be strong, my friend, the darkest period is behind you!

[lamento]

Hey OmegaRed..

yeah I was sorry to read about your situation and it made me feel luckier I must admit - But I think love is a great leveller no matter how much time goes by we all feel the same - the hurt factor of course lasts longer the longer you've been together - this isn't the first time I've been hurt confused and in love - just never had a second chance offered with someone I was totally mad about.

 

I think I wanted a chance more with her as she was so much more of a challenge in and out of the relationship - I was determined to make it work.. probably too determined and too self assured - I've never come across such a sticky situation were so many feelings and emotions are so screwed up...

 

It's so sick really and I'm sickened more at myself than her as I just led myself by the nose to the butcher to be slaughtered. I must be a mascochist deep down or punishing myself for something or other.. someone told me that.

 

Thanks for the support - it wasn't easy to tell her where to go I assure you and I felt very bitter after all the effort - it isn't my style either to F and blind to people but I had to end it and seeing her in the future wasn't an option any more - there were to many chances blown by her already in the past and life's too short.

 

I hope it is the end for this one.. it really isn't worth feeling so terrible for too long

[omegaRED]

Heh... You weren`t and aren`t a masochist. Not everyone gives up on people and love easily. Everyone tries to keep that which makes him happy. It`s natural. The pain associated with it is natural too. Love makes us do stupid things, sacrificing ourselves, our physical and mental health and whatnot.

 

Just wanted to say that it`s not masochistic. We were happy, we wanted to be happy again. If the pain is the price, we were willing to pay that price. But... some people are not worth it, frankly. You had to experience that first hand, so you can judge people and situations differently in the future.

 

Again, good job. You`re not alone here, so whenever you need support, we`re here.

[lamento]

Well after a week and a half of not contacting my ex I've had time to reflect over our last contact..

 

not exactly the best of endings and it presented me with a new pain - I still miss her.. think about her but the anxiety is easing - I've fully accepted the situation - I'm thinking to the future when we will in all probability bump into each other again - I can't see us ignoring each other in the street - that would be too sad and make the whole relationship we had worthless.

 

It's not that I want to be best of friends even though we were very good friends - I just do not want to be in one of the local bars facing each other in a showdown with terrible feelings in the air - I also don't want to pester her and I really don't need any contact just now untill I'm a 100% on my feet. I just need to know if things will be ok when we see each other and no more bad vibrations.

 

I thought of sending a christmas/friendship card just before christmas - nothing hectic but just to show things have settled and I have calmed down since the last time - Maybe it's a waste of time and she will throw it away but it will make me feel that at least I tried to patch things up in a friendly manner and not leave things on a sour note. I'm not a vindictive person so I regret losing my temper even though I couldn't help it under the circumstances.. any takers?

[lamento]

btw.. I haven't heard what she thought of my explosion but as I said to her not to contact me it's no suprise..