karameluv2000 Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 I am dating my sister's ex-husband. They have been divorced for 3 years because she cheated on him multiple times. Of course, my sister doesn't talk to me anymore. I don't see anything wrong with it because he is her ex and she has now been living with someone else and had his baby. My family doesn't like it because they think its a moral thing and do not want to be around this guy. I really like this guy and I think he could be "the one". I also care a lot about my family and don't want to hurt them but they are making it very difficult for me. I believe I have very good morals and don't think I am doing anything wrong because I am not the reason they got divorced(I was living in another state) and also because it's not like we had something going on while she was with him. I am hoping my family sees how I am with this guy and how happy I am and everything will blow over but I don't know how long that will take or if I can wait that long. Anyone has any advice???
Lonestar Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 This is truly sick. If I were your sister, I'd never speak to you again for the rest of my life.
scratch Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 This is truly sick. If I were your sister, I'd never speak to you again for the rest of my life. If a man posted that he is dating his brother's ex-wife, and the marriage broke up because his brother used to beat on her, would you have the same perspective? How are the two situations different? OP - I suspect your family probably sees the reasons they broke up very differently than you. Regardless, they are probably very uncomfortable with the whole situation, and I really can't imagine what you could say or do that would make them comfortable. How about this perspective - if your sister is the kind of person who would cheat on her husband, and your family are the kind of people who would blindly side against you with a liar, is it really that important for them to be a big part of your life?
quankanne Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 personally, I think it'd be creepy being intimate with a man who was intimate with my sister. Not that I'm close to either sister of mine, but the idea is a little too much, thinking of hooking up with either of their exes. is it truly a moral issue with your family, or more of a thing where they stick for family because they're family, no matter how much they may have liked their former brother/son-in-law? My guess is that their allegiance is to your sister, and that they're not going to side with her ex no matter WHO he ends up with. This being your sister's husband only compounds the problem. Are you willing to be shunned at the expense of your love for this man? I can't imagine they would come around anytime soon no matter how much they love you, simply because this is a former in-law and their allegiance is not to him, no matter how bad your sister treated him during their marriage.
Lonestar Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 If a man posted that he is dating his brother's ex-wife, and the marriage broke up because his brother used to beat on her, would you have the same perspective? How are the two situations different? Scratch, your reply to me is a bit retarded. You're assuming I think the situations are different. THEY'RE BOTH TWISTED! As to how they really are different, since you created this weird scenario, is that the sister cheated and the brother beat his wife up. Stories a little different, but same lovely perspective. Slamming your siblings ex-spouse is a ticket to sit in the front row of Jerry Springer - center stage.
scratch Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Scratch, your reply to me is a bit retarded. You're assuming I think the situations are different. THEY'RE BOTH TWISTED! As to how they really are different, since you created this weird scenario, is that the sister cheated and the brother beat his wife up. Stories a little different, but same lovely perspective. I wasn't necessarily assuming you would find the situations different. I just wanted to highlight the fact that you would be less disgusted with a person who physically abused his wife than a person who comforts and falls in love with that abuse victim, simply because those two people are brothers. Were you one of those girls who would tell all her friends to ignore another girl in high school if she flirted with a guy you liked?
morrigan Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Your sister contributed to her marriage ending, but she is still your parents' daughter. You can't expect them to put away their feelings for her because you are now with her ex husband. There's really no way you can change their minds about this or demand they accept your relationship with this man. It's more a question if you feel this relationship is worth the sacrifices, not communicating with your sister and not going to your family's get togethers or holidays or at least not bringing your boyfriend to them.
Lonestar Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 I wasn't necessarily assuming you would find the situations different. I just wanted to highlight the fact that you would be less disgusted with a person who physically abused his wife than a person who comforts and falls in love with that abuse victim, simply because those two people are brothers. Were you one of those girls who would tell all her friends to ignore another girl in high school if she flirted with a guy you liked? Sorry scratch, but you shouldn't make assumptions about my views and then state it as a fact. I think both are equally disgusting. A man who abuses his wife is disgusting, and a brother who hooks up with his brother's ex-wife is disgusting. Family should be the most important thing, whether it's a wife or a sibling. I can't recall any girls in high school flirting with a guy I liked. That was too long ago for me to remember.
scratch Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 Family should be the most important thing, whether it's a wife or a sibling. And you make this as an unqualified statement? What's your position on a case where a woman's father threatens to disown her because she accepted a marriage proposal from a man of another race? How about mere freindship with members of other races? Should the woman take the attitude that she should obey because family is the most important thing? Yes, family is important. But when family members don't treat you fairly because of their hangups and prejudices, they don't deserve deference.
Author karameluv2000 Posted November 2, 2005 Author Posted November 2, 2005 I am not saying that its ok to date him cause she cheated. I am just caught in between him and my family. I love this man and feel that if I am not with him there will be no one else. Or no one else will make me feel the way I do with him. He is a good person. I feel like I am caught between being disrespectful and hurtful to my family and being hurtful to this guy if I give him up. I am truly happy with him, the happiest I have ever been. My sister ended up with someone from another race that my family did not approve of. Her decision was to carry on with her life with this guy whether or not the family approved and if they didn't approve then they wouldn't see her or their grandchild. My point is that I made the same decision she made except that I have to carry out mine and she didn't cause of her baby. I don't think that is fair. Again, the last thing I want to do is disrespect and hurt my family but I am not ready to give this guy up. What if it was meant to be, I feel like it is... PS...dating someone's ex that was abusive is totally different than just dating someone who was good to their ex but it just didn't work out...
littlekitty Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 Sorry karameluv2000, it appears this thread turned into a discussion on the morality of you dating your sisters ex rather than actually answering your question! Does your family REALLY understand the reason why the marriage failed, or are they being typical family and assuming the best of their daughter and the worst of the exh? That's what you'd expect, and rightly so, to a point! This is the issue which you will face which may be hardest for you to get around. They probably blame him for the seperation and therefore don't want to see another daughter hurt. Are they upset that it is your sisters ex? Does that play a part?!
Author karameluv2000 Posted November 2, 2005 Author Posted November 2, 2005 I am not sure if my family knows why they divorced. I don't want to bring it up because that has nothing to do with my relationship with him. I think it is a moral issue for me. I don't feel I am doing anything wrong because they have been divorced and she has clearly moved on. My family is afraid of loosing face with friends and other family members. My mom thinks I am the reason he didn't want to get back with her. That was hurtful and I know it came from my sister. They (my sister) think that this was going on while they were married. That's not so. We all lived together for a while and she had a problem with me talking to him. So I moved out of state. I was gone for 4 years that's when she cheated on him(the second time). I don't see why they would think that it was going on all this time when I wasn't even there for 4 years. How is that my fault. They believe everything she tells them. I have caught her in many lies but I have never said anything. She even blamed him for her cheating saying that all his girlfriends have cheated on him that maybe something is wrong with him and when I disagreed she got really upset. So we dropped it. I am sorry, but to me there is no valid reason for someone to cheat on their husband or wife. If he cheated on her I would have the same feeling. I don't see why it just can't be that they weren't meant to be and if I can be happy with him then that's it.
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