Am I a compulsive liar?

[pearlsasinger]

I never thought of myself this way but I'm just realizing I might be a compulsive liar, at least when dealing with certain issues. And it's close to ruining my boyfriend's and mine relationship.

 

Basically I'm just learning to tell him about all the things I never could, mainly about sexual history. There was another thing about how many times I smoked pot but it's almost entirely about sexual stuff. I don't know why I kept them from him, I guess I was so afraid he would judge me, so afraid he wouldn't want someone like me. He said that wasn't fair to him. He said he's been honest about me with his things and he deserves the same respect.

 

Well, I've recently worked up the courage to tell him all the s*** I never could. And the reaction was not good. I've sort of spread it out. He says every time he thinks I'm done, the list just keeps getting longer. He's hurt the most from my lying, but I think some of the stuff kind of freaks him out because he is in some ways sexually conservative, at least more so than I.

 

I just want to be accepted and I thought he would accept me, but now I'm not so sure. He's seriously wondering if he can ever trust me. I told him I really want to change, that's why I came out with all that stuff. That I would go to therapy or do whatever it takes. But he's really hurt from all the lying. And my self esteem is really hitting rock bottom, which is not easy for him either.

 

He said he doesn't want to break up but he sounds so unhappy. How can I help myself to change? I really want to and think I am already but I'm so scared of hurting him again. How can I have him trust me again? I feel so lost right now.

 

Why am I this way? How can I hurt the one I love so much? I feel like I've tricked him into loving me and now he's finding out I'm all the things he never wanted in a girlfriend.

[pearlsasinger]

I wrote him a long email earlier this morning telling him how he has every right to be angry and hurt but how much I want to continue with our relationship and that I will do anything it takes.

 

He still hasn't written me back. I know he said he was pretty busy at work this week but I'm kind of freaking out. Making it through work today is going to be so hard. I cannot concentrate on anything. I'm just worried if he is okay...

[d'Arthez]

I don't think you are a compulsive liar. You would not mind to lie to anyone, about anything, and gain from doing so. I can hardly see why that would apply here.

 

You are "just" afraid to adress certain controversial issues. If you were in a more liberal (with regards to sex and pot) country you probably would have had no problem to address these issues. Now you were afraid to hurt him, and therefore lied.

 

And depending on the nature of the subjects, lies can be completely understandable. Especially with regards to how many past partners, having been involved in ONS, et cetera.

 

Given that you probably were aware of his preferences, before the questions arose, you were afraid to lose him because of something you don't think of as relevant. But he might feel different about that.

 

Don't focus too much on the lies themselves, but on why you lied.

[pearlsasinger]

Thanks...I tried to explain to him that it's all in the past. Most of this stuff happened a long time ago. But he says it does matter because it says what kind of person I am.

 

Why does he want to know so much about my sexual history? I'm not the same person from a few years ago, or even a few months ago.

 

Even when a part of a couple, don't we deserve some privacy to our sexual past? Are our SOs to know all the gory details? I'm faithful and loyal to him, isn't that the important thing?

[d'Arthez]

But he says it does matter because it says what kind of person I am.

To an extent there is a grain of truth in that. But more in the sense that you have been open to "wild" proposals (by his standards), than that it does tell of the present.

 

There are certain types of behavior, that may give an indication for problems in the future. For example, an interest in child porn. But in general, the biggest problem that becomes apparent is that one partner tries to come to terms with the "non-virginity" of the other partner.

 

Why does he want to know so much about my sexual history? I'm not the same person from a few years ago, or even a few months ago.

Is this an obsession with your non-virginity? And him being conservative in the sex department, makes the problem probably a lot bigger.

 

Even when a part of a couple, don't we deserve some privacy to our sexual past? Are our SOs to know all the gory details? I'm faithful and loyal to him, isn't that the important thing?

Yes, you should have some privacy. It does not mean you should try to pretend that your current bf is your first, have never been to a drive-in with a past boyfriend.

The important thing is the present. And only few things in the past could point to big issues you might have, by his standards. In short he is punishing himself with wanting to know everything.

 

There are reasonable things to know (i.e. length of a long relationship, whether or not you lived together), and things that have no use other than tormenting two people in a relationship. For example how long did it take you to reach vaginal orgasm, from this or that position.

[Craig]

I don't think you are a compulsive liar. Trust in a relationship sometimes takes a while to develop. Sometimes it takes a while to become comfortable enough with a partner to be vulnerable and open up about cetain things.

 

He is teaching you by his actions that you will be punished for being honest and vulnerable--is this what he wants?

 

We are not the people we once were and what used to be doesn't count anymore. People change, interests change, everything changes and he should awaken to the that fact. Past actions provide zero certainty that those actions will continue in the future.

[pearlsasinger]

 

There are certain types of behavior, that may give an indication for problems in the future. For example, an interest in child porn. But in general, the biggest problem that becomes apparent is that one partner tries to come to terms with the "non-virginity" of the other partner.

 

Is this an obsession with your non-virginity? And him being conservative in the sex department, makes the problem probably a lot bigger.

 

It wasn't about my viginity, he knew I had a two partners before him from the beginning. He had three himself. I'm definitely not into child porn or anything that extreme. I think I’m pretty equivalent sexually to any other 23-year-old girl.

 

The two main things that upset him: First that I experimented with cyber sex. I was really lonely at the time, depressed and curious. This was a few years ago and I haven't done it since then and don't have any interest to anymore. When he asked if I had ever cybered before or had phone sex, I lied and said I had only cybered once.

 

Here's the other big thing, probably bothers him the most. I actually volunteered this information, but he felt I lied because I didn’t tell him right away. I told him I looked at porn once with a girl and I also viewed something with a couple of girls. I was looking for girl/guy but all I found was chicks. I had never really looked at porn and was curious and that's what I found. (this was the only recent thing...guess it happened a couple of months ago) I told him I felt guilty but that it also kind of turned me on. But I really don't have any interest or desire in being with women sexually. Is this possible as a straight female? Is this strange?

 

I'm a little bewildered with this myself. I'm pretty open-minded and I think I would have experimented more with women if I truly had wanted. I had the opportunity in the past, but no desire. When I fantasize, it’s about men. So what's up with my reaction to it? I know he looks at a lot of porn, so perhaps I kind of idolized the women in it, because I know these are the women of his fantasies.

 

Thoughts are so much appreciated, thanks.

[pearlsasinger]

Trust in a relationship sometimes takes a while to develop. Sometimes it takes a while to become comfortable enough with a partner to be vulnerable and open up about cetain things.

 

He is teaching you by his actions that you will be punished for being honest and vulnerable--is this what he wants?

 

We are not the people we once were and what used to be doesn't count anymore. People change, interests change, everything changes and he should awaken to the that fact. Past actions provide zero certainty that those actions will continue in the future.

 

Yes, this is my thinking too. It's so hard to explain my side of this to him. I'm not sure if him being a few years younger has anything to do with it. But it really is hurting both of us and for what purpose.

[Walk]

Maybe a good line for you to say to your boyfriend:

"All this has taught me, is how special my relationship with you is."

 

Maybe he's feeling insecure because you're more sexually advanced then he is, or more open, and he's afraid now that he won't live up to your expectations, or needs. Reassure him with words and actions that he is what you want, and all that you need. And that although your past may be checkered (by his standards) it has taught you that what you have now is more precious, and more desirable.

 

As far as your reaction to women in porn. Very natural. Doesn't mean your gay, or bi, or messed in the head. Put it this way, I had a lesbian friend who put the moves on me one night when we were both Very drunk. All we did was kiss. Am I a lesbian? Not hardly. I don't have any problem with other peoples sexual preference, and found it incredibly flattering that she found me attractive. But... I just like men. I can get turned on watching an all, or mostly women, porno, but I'm still straight. I LIKE DICK. (Sorry gals.) Can't replace it. *sigh* Though I wish I could sometimes.

 

What I'm trying to say is, your boyfriend is insecure. You aren't a lesbian just cause you saw some porn with women in it, and it affected you. And you're not a compulsive liar simply because you were afraid of the reaction you got. You did what you thought was best for the both of you. I think you had a lot of guts, and courage to open up to him the way you have. Don't get down on yourself because of his reactions.

[RainyDayWoman]

It is certainly possible to engage in compulsive behaviours and still "mind" if it affects other people.

 

compulsive indicates that you simply can't help doing something, even if it's damaging to yourself or someone else in any way. you would prefer to not cause problems, but they can still result due to the compulsion.

[pearlsasinger]

What I'm trying to say is, your boyfriend is insecure. You aren't a lesbian just cause you saw some porn with women in it, and it affected you. And you're not a compulsive liar simply because you were afraid of the reaction you got. You did what you thought was best for the both of you. I think you had a lot of guts, and courage to open up to him the way you have. Don't get down on yourself because of his reactions.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. It did take a lot for me to confront him. I'm so tired of feeling like a bad person. He says he's having a hard time fantasizing about me right now and that he's not sure he can ever accept my past behavior. He almost wishes we never started dating, but that he can't leave me now that he is in love with me.

 

I told he may not have to accept my past behavior, but he does has to accept me if he wants to be with me.

 

I get to see him this weekend for the first time in 2 months (the longest we've ever been apart) and we're going to try to finish working things out then.