witabix Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Where do I start? It seems it’s all too much to cope with. Let me just quickly list the issues I am facing, in no particular order of importance, Trying to reconcile with my adult children after years of messed up communication, all my fault by the way, married young and the responsibility of it all finally broke me and I ran away. I realise that they deserve an explanation, and I am determined to give them that. To do whatever it takes to put things right. Had a serious illness a few years ago that I nearly died from, don’t really know what my attitude to my changed health situation is, but it has affected all aspects of my life. Back in school now, that’s going ok, but a lot of pressure. Doing a degree. Started a new relationship just over a year ago, she is a great girl, found out she was abused, don’t know any details, this came out when I asked her why she seemed so shy in the bedroom. I really want this relationship to continue, she’s cool and listens to me when I do occasionally need to talk. Now however, I know what she may be facing inside I feel I have no one to talk to. Even though I am sure that she would be more than willing to listen. I cannot add any burden to what she may be facing. She works with disadvantaged youths and adults trying to help them. So she gets a lot of emotional pressure from work. It feels like I am caught in a storm, it is not like I am on my knees, its more like a feeling of being lost in the dark with the rain lashing me. Now I am starting to fear that the storm will engulf me totally before I find shelter. I am a fairly strong person, and quite calm and balanced. Everyone I know thinks so, maybe that’s why people I know confide in me about their divorce difficulties, STD’s they have caught, how they feel about their siblings suicides, everything. But no one knows about the storm I stand in, and I am always happy to listen sympathetically and non-judgementally. I am on the verge of calling my doctor so that I can sit down with him and talk to someone that may help me. I actually feel like a bit of a weakling doing this, if the people I knew actually knew what I was thinking they would be very shocked. I am personally a little embarrassed about admitting this even on this forum. I am not a man who buckles under pressure usually, at least that’s my opinion of myself, I do know however that I tend to exhibit one of two behaviours in these circumstances. Either I get up and walk/run away, or I come out with all guns blazing and fight. The funny thing is I cannot walk away from or fight myself. Suicide is not an option for me, nothing religious, just that I know in my heart how upset the people I would leave behind would be, and I don’t ever want to hurt anyone the way I have in the past. Quite the opposite, I want to get my degree, I want to get to know my kids again and them to know me, I want to be able to help this wonderful girl who has fallen in love with me and I with her, I want to be able to deal with the health issues I am suffering from. Is there anyone out there who has faced what seemed like overwhelming odds? I know I am not alone, maybe I just need to see if anyone else has faced similar and how they coped. I am not a bleeding heart feeling sorry for myself, I am well aware that there are millions of people with ‘real’ problems who would be happy to trade with me, so the ‘snap out of it you idiot!’ response doesn’t work. That’s the first thing I said to myself, and I have said it often. Really having second thoughts about posting but here goes.........
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