cabeach Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Ok, so i know the answer here should be quite obvious. But here is a quick recap of my situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am 35. I just recently have been broken up with by my gf (she is 27). She broke up with me because I cheated on her. (I know, horrible lack of judgement) We had been together for about 6 months. But, here is the situation. SHe really loves me and wants me back. She is the best girlfriend I have ever had, or could ever want, and I do love her very, very much. THe only problem is I am still very much attracted to this other woman, which was only a 1 time thing, though I do still talk to her. I know nothing permanent will ever become of this other woman, but she still haunts me. I do not want to committ back to my gf until I am sure this is out of my system and I will NEVER be tempted to cheat again. I have hurt her once so bad, and I never want to do that again. So, how do I get his woman out of my system? I don't know what this attraction is, but it is very strong. My gf is beautiful also, and is just an incredible girl, I don't understand why I am torn???? Is it an ego thing, a midlife crisis?? Help !!
glittergurl Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Throw away this chick's phone number and e-mail address and never talk to her again if you're planning on taking your ex back. If you stay in touch with this woman, while being with your "oh so nice" girlfriend, temptation will be right there in your face. Will you be able to keep a healthy relationship with this other chick still in your life? I don't think so. Force yourself not to talk to her again, and you'll eventually get over it. Unless you're not serious about taking your ex gf back without hurting her ever again. I have to say you sound very weak about this. Be a man she can love and respect, instead of some dick head.
Author cabeach Posted November 1, 2005 Author Posted November 1, 2005 i know i should..... i know.... that is why i am sooo torn... it is just that this girl really attracts me.. i donlt know if it is the thrill ofthe chase of what??? i did no contact with her for almost two weeks, but it is so hard and i still don't forget about her.... but when i spend time with my ex, we really enjoy each other, we still act as though we are together, she stays with me a few tiems a week, etc..... yet, i still find myself thinking of her....
glittergurl Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 I feel REALLY sorry for your girlfriend. You don't seem to really care about hurting her. Although you say you do, it sounds a bit cheap to me.
Author cabeach Posted November 1, 2005 Author Posted November 1, 2005 well, that is exactly why she is not my gf anymore...i can not committ to her yet because of this.... i am very honest with her, I don't hide things from her, and she can make her decisions based on what she feels and knows, i do not "feed" her a bunch of crap so she will stick around, i just wish i could committ to her whole heartedly because deep down i know that is where i need to be...
glittergurl Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 You can control yourself if you really want it. Nobody is forcing you to cheat or fantasize about this woman. You're doing this to yourself, and a little self control would make wonders. This is just lame.
downcydeguy Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Hmmm... Having your cake and eating it too? From a guy's side of it, I'll say you're in a great situation. But from a decent person's side of it, I'll say that you just need to tell your on again/off again g/f exactly how you feel right now and then deal with her reaction. 6 months would normally not be considered a long relationship but every situation is different. She may truly be in love with you and be willing to eat your sh*t for now. However, she will wake up one day and YOU might actually be the one who gets hurt. Truth. That's all you need to worry about.
Jayhawkgirl Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 You say you "need" to be with your ex girlfriend, but IMO it sounds like you don't WANT to be with her, or you would have never cheated in the first place. I think if you are going to make it work with the gf, you need to let the other woman go entirely. Just don't string either one of them along.
Author cabeach Posted November 2, 2005 Author Posted November 2, 2005 WHen i said "need", i meant that i know she is what is "real". It is not just a short lived thing. I do want to be with her, I just want to understand how I can still have these "feelings" for this other woman? I know it is just a crush... a grass is always greener type deal, but it still bothers me..... my ex is free to do what she wants to do as well, I don't ask her, or expect her to tell me, it is not like I am making her wait on me....I just wish there was some way to "get over" this other woman! Do you think "no contact" would help? Do you think I should tell the other woman? I don't think she really knows.... but what good could come from that.>>>
Jayhawkgirl Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 Are your feelings for this other woman purely physical, or are you emotionally attached to her as well? Do you want a relationship with her or do you just want some action? Be real... I'm going with the "honesty is the best policy" theory here...I think you need to be honest with both women, and with yourself. You may not realize it, but as a woman I am guessing that, since you have been sexually involved and are still in contact with the "other woman," she probably has some kind of feelings for you. It is not fair for her to think she has a chance with you if you know that your ex gf is truly the one you want to be with. At the same time, if what you really want to do is make it work with the gf, the other woman has GOT TO GO...no contact, not even friends...or there will always be temptation to stray. As for yourself, look at what these thoughts are telling you...if you are constantly thinking about this other woman, even if it's just on a physical level, are you truly ready to give the gf want she wants and deserves? Are you ready to settle down or do you want to "play the field" a while longer? You are right, the grass usually seems greener on the other side...but are you willing to risk what seems like a really good thing to find out?
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