scobro Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 What is up with you people that cheat or are sleeping with someone you know has a mate?How do you actually look in the mirror and think you are happy and well adjusted.To me it is appauling,do you not want to be in a happy relationship where there is trust and respect and mutual love for one another?.Since coming on this board I never realised how many relationships have infedelity problems.So many people cheat on each other it's just so frustrating makes me not want to get into another relationship.I could never cheat on someone I would feel wrong it's not in my nature and I just don't know what makes a person actually do it and not feel guilty. I honestly couldn't live with myself I would be very disgusted and ashammed of myself.It seems like I am the only one who feels this way because so many people cheat on their mates it seems like.Why do you do it or why are you with someone who is already with someone I find it morally wrong.
Zaira Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 I agree. I can't work out if it's a self esteem thing, a security thing, or people just like to have their cake and eat it too. If you want to be with someone else, why not end your relationship first?
slubberdegullion Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 There are as many reasons as there are people. Some lose interest in their partner, or have a "conquest" mentality. Some aren't getting any at home, so they look elsewhere. Others may have such minimal self-worth that they feel the need to get sexual attention outside marriage. Some become repulsed by sex with their partner because their partner has put on weight or is an a**h***. Cheating on a partner may even be genetically encoded in human beings. If you can figure it all out, you'd be the first.
TheDiva Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 You really shouldn't say Never. I said Never and I am sure alot of the OW/OM (now and in the past) said never as well. I was young and stupid, bad combination, he lied so well he believed the lies himself. I cannot excuse what I did, it was not right. He did the persuing so maybe for some it's the game of hunter/prey? And once they have toyed with the prey long enough they get bored of it, and move on to other prey. It may be wrong but many people find themselves caught in the situation. There are as many "reasons" as the day is long. But I think most of the time it boils down to lack of respect (for self, others, or relationships) and lack of communication with spouse/SO. Then there are those who just want cake. Everyday is a birthday to them. Or prehaps they are inheritantly selfish? Who knows. I wouldn't let it keep me from relationships though. As long as you keep communication/respect in your relationship then you have a better chance than most. Also about this board, a lot of people come here once there is a problem there is the rest of the population out there that isn't posting because they don't have those kinds of problems. Zaira I completely agree about getting out of one relationship, before starting another, but I guess alot of people are too scared and need a "back-up" in case the new one don't work out.
Rodeogirl Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 I started cheating because I felt trapped in a situation where he still till this very day is not willing to work at,it is a one way marriage, he is okay with it being stuck, he says accept the way it is and dont expect it to get any better or any worse this is how marriage is. He refuses to work at it and make it a better relationship, he is always right and he thinks that I have a fantasy about how marriage is. The sex had gotten where it was all about his needs. I hated it each time I slept with him for the last 2 to 3 years, so finally 3 weeks ago I told him he will never ever touch me again, and so far so good he has not even tried to comment on having sex with me. So I am in a sexless marriage and I can deal better this way. I stopped feeling remorse for so many reasons and the bad thing is at the beginning I did feel bad for cheating but each time I would make an effort to be a good wife he slammed everything I did or every choice I made, and it is easier to cheat when you leave the house and you get the exact opposite reaction from outsiders. Men would fall at my feet adore me, laugh with me and make me feel like I was the baddest bytch alive!!! I loved it.!! Not to mention during the time I first cheateed I had already had my own suspicions of him cheating because I had discovered a web of lies. so thats when I decided hmmmm should I be one of those women who gave 20 years of her life to a man only to be sitting home one day and my husband walks in and tells me he is leaving me for someone he's been fking for years and years and I didnt see it coming? Or should I play the game and when I first realize he isnt trustworthy, call him out on it, talk about it, and if he still doesnt own up to it just do my own thing but keep it discreet as possible?? so thats what I chose to do. I saw too many mean ungrateful men growing up and I thought I would be treated different. Men will love you but will still cheat as many times as they can because they are able to do it without getting their feelings involved in it. Women however can try to do this and it may work if they only hook up every once in a while. anytime the hooking up is too frequent the women will develop feelongs. But to answer you in short, yes I USE to feel bad that I was doing it to my husband , but I actually don't anymore the only person I answer to on this is God and I ask for understanding for my situation because I dont want to continue living like this but I have a stubborn mate who is all about status. e dos not care that I am miserable in this he only cares that he can say he has a hot wife at home. My main thing is not being able to trust men. I also prefered that married man because he understood my situation.but I wouldnt seek married men out on purpose .
Craig Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Because they won't handle the truth. Cheaters can give all manner of long drawn out reasons for their cheating that don't amount to anything except a deeply personal and perverted justification for behavior that they know is wrong. If it were right it wouldn't be called cheating. People that handle the truth make adjustments in their lives that don't hurt other people on a long term basis. Such adjustments might involve leaving a relationship, honest communication or working on challenges in a relationship. Not all cheaters have the emotional or relationship skills to work through challenges and may not even know that they are deficient but it still does not excuse cheating under any circumstances. Knowing that there has to be a way other than cheating it is the obligation of those who would cheat to seek solutions for problems that might result in cheating.
elijahBailey Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 There really isn't ANY reason to cheat, despite the reasons given by those who do it. If you aren't happy with the relationship, end it. Those who cheat just don't have the guts to end it. And they never considered the lives they'll ruin. But, the sad truth is that our society condones it.
lilmoma1973 Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 There really isn't ANY reason to cheat, despite the reasons given by those who do it. If you aren't happy with the relationship, end it. Those who cheat just don't have the guts to end it. And they never considered the lives they'll ruin. But, the sad truth is that our society condones it. Totally agree with Elijah people are just incnsiderate andselfish and think of only theirselves !! Their wants and needs are all that matter no caring who tey hurt in the process!!
Hot Coco Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 There really isn't ANY reason to cheat, despite the reasons given by those who do it. If you aren't happy with the relationship, end it. Those who cheat just don't have the guts to end it. And they never considered the lives they'll ruin. But, the sad truth is that our society condones it. I agree with what you said. But I'm not sure I agree with your last sentence. How does society condone it?
Author scobro Posted November 1, 2005 Author Posted November 1, 2005 I started cheating because I felt trapped in a situation where he still till this very day is not willing to work at,it is a one way marriage, he is okay with it being stuck, he says accept the way it is and dont expect it to get any better or any worse this is how marriage is. He refuses to work at it and make it a better relationship, he is always right and he thinks that I have a fantasy about how marriage is. The sex had gotten where it was all about his needs. I hated it each time I slept with him for the last 2 to 3 years, so finally 3 weeks ago I told him he will never ever touch me again, and so far so good he has not even tried to comment on having sex with me. So I am in a sexless marriage and I can deal better this way. I stopped feeling remorse for so many reasons and the bad thing is at the beginning I did feel bad for cheating but each time I would make an effort to be a good wife he slammed everything I did or every choice I made, and it is easier to cheat when you leave the house and you get the exact opposite reaction from outsiders. Men would fall at my feet adore me, laugh with me and make me feel like I was the baddest bytch alive!!! I loved it.!! Not to mention during the time I first cheateed I had already had my own suspicions of him cheating because I had discovered a web of lies. so thats when I decided hmmmm should I be one of those women who gave 20 years of her life to a man only to be sitting home one day and my husband walks in and tells me he is leaving me for someone he's been fking for years and years and I didnt see it coming? Or should I play the game and when I first realize he isnt trustworthy, call him out on it, talk about it, and if he still doesnt own up to it just do my own thing but keep it discreet as possible?? so thats what I chose to do. I saw too many mean ungrateful men growing up and I thought I would be treated different. Men will love you but will still cheat as many times as they can because they are able to do it without getting their feelings involved in it. Women however can try to do this and it may work if they only hook up every once in a while. anytime the hooking up is too frequent the women will develop feelongs. But to answer you in short, yes I USE to feel bad that I was doing it to my husband , but I actually don't anymore the only person I answer to on this is God and I ask for understanding for my situation because I dont want to continue living like this but I have a stubborn mate who is all about status. e dos not care that I am miserable in this he only cares that he can say he has a hot wife at home. My main thing is not being able to trust men. I also prefered that married man because he understood my situation.but I wouldnt seek married men out on purpose . Would it not make more sense to leave a miserable marriage than stay in it and cheat?why don't you just leave that isn't marriage thats prison.
elijahBailey Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 I agree with what you said. But I'm not sure I agree with your last sentence. How does society condone it? How does society condone it? In so many ways. When we hear that people around us are cheating, what's our reaction? I know mine. I'll be like 'oh, another one of those'. My buddies do better..... they'll be like 'awe man, that's so common these days'. So I'll be like 'wait till their spouse finds out', and they'll be like 'well, they can always divorce'. See, when people learn that someone is cheating, what's their reaction?At the very most, they'll just.... 1. frown upon it 2. say 'well, ya know, it's bad. But it's everywhere'. The cheaters do better. They'll be like.. Ya just don't know what I was goin' thru (yeah, right. Maybe you just don't know what you're putting your SO thru) Wedding vows don't mean squat to some. And the kids (if there are any) are the ultimate victims. See, we don't have a moral reference in our society no more. But if we were to compare our society with the more conservative ones, like a few in Asia, you'll find out that cheaters there are scorned upon and stigmatized by society (Well, at least that what I've heard. But then if you compare the divorce rates, you'll know what I mean). The fact that most cheaters here get away lightly (and the divorce lawyers are always round the corner ever willing to lend a helping hand ) is our society's message that it condones their actions.
Hot Coco Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 How does society condone it? In so many ways. When we hear that people around us are cheating, what's our reaction? I know mine. I'll be like 'oh, another one of those'. My buddies do better..... they'll be like 'awe man, that's so common these days'. So I'll be like 'wait till their spouse finds out', and they'll be like 'well, they can always divorce'. See, when people learn that someone is cheating, what's their reaction?At the very most, they'll just.... 1. frown upon it 2. say 'well, ya know, it's bad. But it's everywhere'. The cheaters do better. They'll be like.. Ya just don't know what I was goin' thru (yeah, right. Maybe you just don't know what you're putting your SO thru) Wedding vows don't mean squat to some. And the kids (if there are any) are the ultimate victims. See, we don't have a moral reference in our society no more. But if we were to compare our society with the more conservative ones, like a few in Asia, you'll find out that cheaters there are scorned upon and stigmatized by society (Well, at least that what I've heard. But then if you compare the divorce rates, you'll know what I mean). The fact that most cheaters here get away lightly (and the divorce lawyers are always round the corner ever willing to lend a helping hand ) is our society's message that it condones their actions. I really don't agree. I thik there's still a stigma attached to infidelity in a marriage. Maybe I'm living in a dreamworld or maybe it depends who you're hanging around with or what part of the country you live in. But I really don't think society condones it. I DO agree our value system has gone downhill in general but I still think infidelity is frowned on for the most part. Also, I'll take issue with your little throaway comment. I know a divorce lawyer who actually TURNS AWAY some clients and counsels them on how to patch things up first. Granted that's the exception but they're not ALL out to just get what they can get.
slubberdegullion Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 Would it not make more sense to leave a miserable marriage than stay in it and cheat?why don't you just leave that isn't marriage thats prison. It really depends on the situation, especially if there are kids involved, or a lot of money or assets are at stake. It's often been said that no party wins a divorce action, there are just different degrees of losing, so that must be weighed in the decision.
sylviaguardian Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 Too easy to say yes, too hard to say no.
Sami_D Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 What is up with you people that cheat or are sleeping with someone you know has a mate?How do you actually look in the mirror and think you are happy and well adjusted.To me it is appauling,do you not want to be in a happy relationship where there is trust and respect and mutual love for one another?.Since coming on this board I never realised how many relationships have infedelity problems.So many people cheat on each other it's just so frustrating makes me not want to get into another relationship.I could never cheat on someone I would feel wrong it's not in my nature and I just don't know what makes a person actually do it and not feel guilty. I honestly couldn't live with myself I would be very disgusted and ashammed of myself.It seems like I am the only one who feels this way because so many people cheat on their mates it seems like.Why do you do it or why are you with someone who is already with someone I find it morally wrong. I could have written this post myself a couple of years ago. So could the MM I am involved with. We've even had this conversation... about how we've both (despite being what you might call liberal, 'tolerant' people) TOTALLY and unreservedly condemned anyone involved in infidelity from either side of the coin. Then we got involved. I'm not saying that your thoughs and feelings on this aren't right. All I can say is that it looks completely different on the inside. And I think there you have your answer.
seachange Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 Hey girl. After reading your post, I want to know too: in that whole post, why didn't you ever mention leaving your husband and miserable marriage as an option? Why is cheating on each other and settling for a sexless and apparently loveless marriage while making each other miserable the only solution that you see here? Just wondering...
whichwayisup Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 Maybe to some, starting over isn't possible. Being alone, learning how to BE on your own...SO it's safer to stay in the marriage and cheat. Could be for money reasons, house, friends/family or just having companionship and security.
seachange Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 Yup, I gotcha, whichway. I know there are lots of reasons it's hard for people; I didn't mean it in a snarky way. I was just wondering what her reasons are. I guess it struck me, because generally when people talk about their marriage in such negative terms they feel a need to also say why they haven't left it yet. So I thought it was unusual that she didn't even mention it.
whichwayisup Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 Yup, I gotcha, whichway. I know there are lots of reasons it's hard for people; I didn't mean it in a snarky way. I was just wondering what her reasons are. I guess it struck me, because generally when people talk about their marriage in such negative terms they feel a need to also say why they haven't left it yet. So I thought it was unusual that she didn't even mention it. Actually you didn't come off as snarky at all, I was just answering why I thought people can't or won't leave. Something familiar and safe to something new and unpredictable... Chances are many will stay with familiar and safe. The other thing is, usually when they're cheating, the marriage isn't as bad as it seems...The feelings and emotions get transferred into the OP and therefore it's more intensely felt which confuses them and makes them feel less for their husband/wife. I don't know, I could be wrong there...Not saying ALL marriages have this happen but usually that is when affairs start.
Solvig Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 How does society condone it? In so many ways. When we hear that people around us are cheating, what's our reaction? I know mine. I'll be like 'oh, another one of those'. My buddies do better..... they'll be like 'awe man, that's so common these days'. So I'll be like 'wait till their spouse finds out', and they'll be like 'well, they can always divorce'. See, when people learn that someone is cheating, what's their reaction?At the very most, they'll just.... 1. frown upon it 2. say 'well, ya know, it's bad. But it's everywhere'. The cheaters do better. They'll be like.. Ya just don't know what I was goin' thru (yeah, right. Maybe you just don't know what you're putting your SO thru) Wedding vows don't mean squat to some. And the kids (if there are any) are the ultimate victims. See, we don't have a moral reference in our society no more. But if we were to compare our society with the more conservative ones, like a few in Asia, you'll find out that cheaters there are scorned upon and stigmatized by society (Well, at least that what I've heard. But then if you compare the divorce rates, you'll know what I mean). The fact that most cheaters here get away lightly (and the divorce lawyers are always round the corner ever willing to lend a helping hand ) is our society's message that it condones their actions. Actually, from what I've read about Japan and China, it is very common place for men, especially men of means, to cheat, have mistresses, even have professional mistresses (Geishas), however, if a woman is to do it, yes, she most certainly is scorned by the community...in India she may even be burned alive by her husband and noone will ever punish him for this behavior. I study other cultures so I thought I'de pu tmy two cents in.
LimboSapien Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 Would it not make more sense to leave a miserable marriage than stay in it and cheat?why don't you just leave that isn't marriage thats prison. exactly! I was in a lonely marriage for a time and even cheated slightly during the last gruelling months of it..finally I had the smarts to leave my H, it was quick and painless actually..him and I are still friends even; Im probably lucky in that respect but anyway..I agree with scobro - go and find your happiness RG, its the obvious decision IMHO
lilmoma1973 Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 I will never understand why people marry and take vows forsaking all others and go and sleep around on their s/o .. Why not marry and stay single and that way you can be with whoever instead of taking someone's hand in marriage and promise the world and then let them down and break their heart and shatter alot of lives?
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