ellen3143 Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 My husband and I met online and have been married for over a year. We were separated at one point but got back together before christmas 2004. On New Years he kissed another woman he thought he was developing feelings for while we were separated. He says it was a huge mistake but I am still hurt. Things have been a little rocky and he says there are times he doesn't feel attracted to me. He recently (2 weeks ago) met a woman in a chatroom one night while we were not speaking to each other. He says they are just friends but the hurt is still there from the previous episode and I have mistrust. Not that I don't think he should have friends but if you making friends with someone from a chatroom you met while telling her you weren't getting a long with your wife it raises questions. He is 13 years younger then I am and this other woman is his age. They still talk online although not as much because she doesn't have access to a computer. Last night he said he was going to call her tonight. Is it just me or is that a bit much? Should married men be calling women they met online?? Especially if the wife says flat out I am uncomfortable with it? Or am I over-reacting?? Ellen
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 You are not overreacting. If you want your marriage to work, you will want to consider marriage counseling and he is going to have to stop talking to any women outside your marriage during the time you are working through your problems. The hard part will be determining if he wants to work on the problems in your marriage and stop talking to other women. If he does not want to stop his outside activities, he will simply go to further lengths to hide them from you while lying about them to your face.
MySugaree Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 ellen, your marriage is running on fumes.Your soon-to-be-ex husband's behavior signals that he already believes the marriage is over. Most marriages expire well before divorce. I'd start making plans for life without your boy-toy. That day is fast approaching...
Author ellen3143 Posted November 1, 2005 Author Posted November 1, 2005 ellen, your marriage is running on fumes.Your soon-to-be-ex husband's behavior signals that he already believes the marriage is over. Most marriages expire well before divorce. I'd start making plans for life without your boy-toy. That day is fast approaching... Well I guess my vows mean a lot to me. We have been through a lot together...2 brain surgeries for him, separation, miscarriage. If we can get through all of that why would we not be able to work through this? And because he is younger then me he is my boy toy?? Would you be saying that if it was a woman 13 years younger then the man? I doubt it.
Author ellen3143 Posted November 1, 2005 Author Posted November 1, 2005 He says he does want to work things out and that he would never cheat. But I think my definition and his might be different. To me if he is taking time away from us to chat with her or if he is flirting with her or she with him that is cheating. If she is the one doing the flirting he needs to say look I am married and committed to my wife. I want so badly to talk to her and say look do you realize the problems this is causing.
Zaira Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Everyone needs friends, and at least he is being honest with you about calling her. However, if you have no trust then you don't have much of a relationship. If he is aware of how you're feeling and how his behaviour is affecting you, and yet makes no effort to make you feel better, then there are problems. What can I suggest? Ask him to stay out of internet chatrooms. If he feels he needs to share something, share it with you. Otherwise, why not share it with a friend or a counsellor?
Craig Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Ellen don't let hurtful comments made by people with an enduring bitterness caused by their own choices affect you. Other than that I agree with what LB said. Maybe the marriage counseling should be the first step.
Author ellen3143 Posted November 1, 2005 Author Posted November 1, 2005 Everyone needs friends, and at least he is being honest with you about calling her. However, if you have no trust then you don't have much of a relationship. If he is aware of how you're feeling and how his behaviour is affecting you, and yet makes no effort to make you feel better, then there are problems. What can I suggest? Ask him to stay out of internet chatrooms. If he feels he needs to share something, share it with you. Otherwise, why not share it with a friend or a counsellor? Well that is my feelings too. He has other friends he has known for years he could pick up the phone and call them anytime they would be glad to listen. And I tell him we need to talk whether it hurts or not we need to know how the other is feeling. He knows it upsets me that he is talking to her. And its not that I don't trust him its that it brings back so much hurt and bad memories. I ask him to give me time to get past the hurt. But its like his depression clouds his better judgement.
MySugaree Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Sorry about the "boy toy" reference, ellen. Back to your issues, I believe that there's no such thing as an innocent chat room opposite sex friend in a marriage. When Net connections are forged with opposite sex members, the Net-centered spouse's energy, focus and source of stimulation eventually shift to this exciting cyber-other and the marriage, as a result, often is drained of closeness, intimacy and communication. The Net, like work, frequently is a gateway to extra-marital affairs whether consummated or not. If these "harmless" Net connections are not quashed, your marriage will die a long, agonizing death and all the marriage counseling in the world won't be able to revive it. And Craig, I'm flattered that you know me so well. You're truly a wise person.
Author ellen3143 Posted November 1, 2005 Author Posted November 1, 2005 Ellen don't let hurtful comments made by people with an enduring bitterness caused by their own choices affect you. Other than that I agree with what LB said. Maybe the marriage counseling should be the first step. Thanks for a male point of view Craig. My best friend is a guy and he said sometimes men just don't think about stuff like that. And maybe what is trival to him I make to big of a deal out of? I just think that given the fact we are having problems the last thing we need is adding something else into the situation you know?
Author ellen3143 Posted November 1, 2005 Author Posted November 1, 2005 Sorry about the "boy toy" reference, ellen. Back to your issues, I believe that there's no such thing as an innocent chat room opposite sex friend in a marriage. When Net connections are forged with opposite sex members, the Net-centered spouse's energy, focus and source of stimulation eventually shift to this exciting cyber-other and the marriage, as a result, often is drained of closeness, intimacy and communication. The Net, like work, frequently is a gateway to extra-marital affairs whether consummated or not. If these "harmless" Net connections are not quashed, your marriage will die a long, agonizing death and all the marriage counseling in the world won't be able to revive it. And Craig, I'm flattered that you know me so well. You're truly a wise person. Your forgiven I dunno, I can go in a chatroom say hi to friends catch up and leave it at that. But my issue is he went in there and met here while telling her we weren't getting a long. and then its an ongoing thing with them. I have no issue with the chatting per say just the being secretive about it. When I chat with friends I have no problem with him reading over my shoulder he does. He says because something will get taken the wrong way well I don't worry my friends will say something he will take the wrong way. I just think at this point in our marriage when we are really still putting back the pieces the last thing we need is another woman in it. Whether its just friends or not. Why would a single woman be hanging out online talking to a married man? I don't know maybe I am over-reacting and reading to much into it. He has another really good friend that I just adore and get along great with her and nothing about the friendship rubs me the wrong way yet my gut reaction with this one is it's all bad
MySugaree Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 I stand with your "gut reaction," ellen. The problem with Net affairs is that the wandering spouse begins to wall off the betrayed spouse. S/he begins to create a world with the cyber-pal and does not want the betrayed spouse to peer into this "new world" let alone share in it. All of a sudden, the betrayed spouse is on the outside looking in: s/he is not allowed in on the joke. A special place is created and the wandering spouse posts this huge "No Admission" sign by his/her actions, mannerisms and gestures. Betrayal comes in many flavors; no hotel room is reqired as long as a Net "connection" exists. Your job is to rip down that sign and insist that all his cyber-wanderings be transparent. If you don't, more likely than not you'll be emotionally replaced--not only by another person but by another world to which you will be denied admission. Good luck, woman.
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