Tangerina Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 So, my BF has this ex which he has told me he still has romantic feelings for... we tell each other this kind of stuff and it came up in conversation naturally... it is totally over between them and he doesn't want to be with her because, as he said... "It didn't work, as in it is OVER," but he still has these feelings for her and it makes me jealous... by the way, they basically have no contact except for some friendly checking in every few months, so she isn't even a big part of his life anymore, he doesn't like obsess over these feelings or think about it often, he just admits that yah, when he thinks of her he still has some attraction.... so anyways, I just accept my jealousy and I don't feel threatened in any real-world way by this person... So.... I had this housewarming party last month, and my BF's ex lives in my new hometown, so he asked me if it was ok if he invited her so he could say hi and cuz some of their mutual friends would be there so I said, yah, sure... I also could kinda tell he wanted to show me off to her cuz he told me about how he was telling her about how nice and cute and smart I am etc, so that made me glad... He asked her if she wanted to bring her BF but she said she didn't since they were spending too much time together, so she didn't bring him..... Well, at the party everyone drank a lot and she ended up having sex with this friend (Dan) of my room mate on the futon (everyone else sleeping in the livingroom was upset at the time!!!!)... so my BF was kind of disgusted at her for cheating, and for embarassing him (with the whole public sex thing) because she was his guest, and on top of that she didn't say bye to him when she left so he thought that was rude.... I thought it was kind of dumb that he was mad at her for cheating because she had cheated on her BF with him about a year ago while he was still single... hypocritical.... but I was secretly happy that he was mad at her for all of those things since I was jealous of her... Well now my room mate talked to her because she was at the aforementioned Dan's Halloween party with her and it turns out that she had actually broke up with her BF a few weeks before hooking up with Dan and now they are officially seeing each other... (This raises the question as to why she acted like she still had a BF when she talked to my BF) Ooops, this post is too long.... anyways, my question after all the background is.... should I tell my BF that she actually wasn't cheating so he can be less disgusted with her and maybe patch things up there, or should I keep it to myself so he can keep being mad at her so I feel good hehehehehehehehe?
d'Arthez Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 The whole thing sounds vague, and conveniently fitting with her scheme. Are you certain that she had broken up with her boyfriend? Broken up, as in definitely over, and not as in "on a break?" Or is it just a rumour? I would be very wary to tell things like that, based on unconfirmed information. Did her ex-bf know the relationship was over at the time? As for the "cheating" part, that was only a minor part of her behavior. And how did your boyfriend and her became a couple in the first place? Did something similar happen? Or was she also on a break with her ex-bf (the one before your current bf), but had she forgotten to inform the ex-bf? These past circumstances almost suggest a pattern - and a scary one at that. Lieing about having a bf is also a big issue. That alone, would make me quite wary of the woman, and yes distrustful of her motives. We are not exactly asking if she clipped her fingernails on the fourth of October, but something that has more impact on her life. I would not tell anything. Not because it makes you feel better. But because it is her responsibility. You are not responsible for the friendship between her and your bf. Your bf is, and she is. If she wants to have a normal friendship with him, she should understand that she has messed up from his point of view. And actually address the situation herself.
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 so anyways, I just accept my jealousy and I don't feel threatened in any real-world way by this person... You do, and should feel threatened by the bizarre behavior between your boyfriend and his so-called "ex." I don't think you would have taken the time to post, otherwise. Do not attribute your intuitions and good ol' common sense to jealousy just because you want to appear secure and confident. You are correct in feeling insecure regarding the stability of your relationship and your boyfriend's unnatural attachment to this girl. They are not OVER each other. He's already confessed that he still has feelings for her. Faking ambivalence and allowing this to carry on unchecked will backfire on you in epic proportions if you don't OWN your feelings and confront their game-playing head on. I also could kinda tell he wanted to show me off to her cuz he told me about how he was telling her about how nice and cute and smart I am etc, so that made me glad... Boy, have you been bamboozled! First of all, the only reason someone would deliberately brag about, or "parade" the new love interest in front of the old one is to stir up the old flames. It's called "jealousy bait." And I suspect that his ex-girlfriend was responding in kind when she screwed Dan on the futon in front of witnesses. And it obviously worked, otherwise your boyfriend wouldn't have reacted the way he did: I thought it was kind of dumb that he was mad at her for cheating because she had cheated on her BF with him about a year ago while he was still single... hypocritical.... and on top of that she didn't say bye to him when she left so he thought that was rude.... He wasn't mad at her because she was cheating on her new boyfriend … he was upset because her behavior hurt HIM! The only reason he said anything negative about her to you was a smokescreen to cover up the real reason why he was so bothered. It's like telling the new girlfriend that you think all your ex-bonks were "fat." If he truly felt these terrible things about his ex, he wouldn't be so darn interested in keeping her around. And telling you that he is still attracted and has feelings for her should have clued you in. Hello!... Are you awake (???) Oh, Tangerina. I really do hope you wizen up before it's too late and you get hurt. These two imbeciles are still playing mind-games with each other and you are being used like a pawn. This guy's bad, bad news. So is the girl. For your own good, get rid of these creeps before they end up blindsiding you.
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