Need to move on

[nadz02]

I am considering dissolving my year and a 1/2 marriage with my husband but I really need some advice before going ahead.

 

This is the synopsis of my relationship: I met my husband 5 years ago. Our relationship started with a lot of strong emotions for each other as well as difficulty to let go of eahc other when it was appropiate. During the first two months of knowing each other, the only thing about his past that my actual husband disclose to me was havind feelings for his ex- girlfriend. I Decicided I didnt wanted to be in the midst of his feelings and I told him to work things out with his ex. A week after I told him I tought it will be best ofr us not to see each other anymore at least until he resolve his situation with his ex. He called and send me e-mails staing that he didnt want to mislead me and that he did want to be withhis ex anymore even thougth he still had feeling for her. We admited and started to realize that we were falling for each other and were unable to let go. After meeting each other families and establishing a much more serious relationship ( at least for me). THe subject about his ex was past long. I thought that he dad move on and fell in love with me while detaching himself emotionally from his ex, but that never happen. After a few months I found love letters that he wrote her as well as notes that she worte him. they were trying to work things out on a long distant basis. When I confronted him and her. He admited having difficulty detaching himself emotionally. And She off course was furious to find out that he was lying to her about his tru feelings for me. Anyways. I believe she went on with her life and suggested me to do the same. She told me he was emotionally unstabla and unable to learn baout what real love is. I tried and tried to move on. He called, he tried to seek for my help, love and understanding and I guess I went back to him. After a year of no other complications about his ex. I felt that the relationship was stronger and that at one point he was at least honest about his feelings at the beggining. WE move in together after that first year. then a month later I found out that he was cheating with other women. Even thought it shouldnt be so shocking to me It was very hard for me to believe that he was cheating after a year in wich he show so much love and dedication to me and to my family. After our first confrontation about the first affair I found out, he admitted to me that he was seeing this person and he admitedto her in my presence that He was sorry for any pain that he caused her, but that I was indeed the person he wanted to be with.

 

WEll my question is should this has been enough reason for me to walk away? What is it that makes women so weak to let go and walk away on the first signs of emotional abuse?

 

Anyways, He just didnt cheated with thi person but was cheating with at least 5 or more.

I know that you will probably think, How stupid could I be to stay after finding this out and marry this person?

It was obvious that He had a problem. He later admited that he had a serious problem. And I was able to move out and try to continue with my life with him. But on the other hand even thought he is probably never going to be able to complety cure his sickness. He is a wonderfull person inside he shows that he cares in many ways and I guess I decided to help him I am not sure in wich way cause I realize taht I cant help him no more Igot to help my self.

 

Continuing with the story, two years later after living together and after giving the realtionship many chances. He showed so much improvement I was able to let go of insecurities and as hard as it was everyday to deal with the ghost of the painfull we overcame a lot of negativity. We conceive a beautiful baby and we got married. OUr child is goig to be 1 year old. and it is the most precious thing that could have ever happen to both of us.

 

For thepast years his emotinal abus by cheating has turn me into a angry, unsecure and violent person. But only towards him. My pregnancy was very hard and our marriage has been a struggle. WE fight, we argue, we hit each other, constantly. WE fight for a lot of reasons and lately after a fight he will leave and not come home until the next day. I started suspecting that he resume his cheating because he will not call and then his excuse is always "I slept in the car"

WEll our last fight was this weekend and I question hus wearabouts with doubts. My doubts were confirm with an email sent to him from someone from his past. On this e-mail this person was curious to know what drove him to call her at 4:30 am and 11 am? and even thought it wasnt romantic or completely accusatory. I am certain that the fact that he called show his weakness and the fact that he omited it is my final reasurance that I need to end my marriage for the well being of my emotinal state and my baby.

 

I do have to say that I love him and I know that he love me too but love it is just not enough to work things out. Specially when they didnt have a godd start.

 

Please tell me what you think.

[scobro]

WEll my question is should this has been enough reason for me to walk away? What is it that makes women so weak to let go and walk away on the first signs of emotional abuse?

 

The answer to the first question is yes! yes! yes!you should have walked away.It boggles my mind how someone can cheat and then actually get taken back by the person they were unfaithful to.

 

Anyways, He just didnt cheated with thi person but was cheating with at least 5 or more.

Well I cannot feel sorry for you because if you knew about 5 women he was cheating on you with and you did nothing then you really have some issues you need to work out.

 

I would walk away because anybody that cheated on me would not get a second chance.

[nadz02]

I believe you are right. Cheating should definetly be unacceptable. And I shouldn.nt have reach as far as to getting marriedo or having a child before even allowing him to really prove himself for a longer periold of time. I am not sure if it is too late for me to walk away know. But I surely need the neccesary strangth to move on with my life and my child and leave hi behind.

[curly]

I feel your pain. I was married to a drug user. We dated for 5 years prior to getting married. I didn't find out about the heavy drugs until after we married but I knew the red flags were there prior to the wedding. We separated 7 months later. I was so strong. I was moving on. That was 8 years ago. Ever since then, I've made one excuse after another to myself and my friends and family about why I think this time it might work with him. We've been reconciled so many times I can't even count them anymore.

 

The fact of the matter is - he's not going to change. He's the same person he was when we first met. Only I saw the good side then.

 

It sounds as if your husband is a classic cheater, possibly a classic cakeman (look it up if you're unclear). He's not going to stop cheating. Yes, he may be a nice guy inside, at least in your eyes. But nice guys don't continue to jeopardize their lives and hurt others with their selfishness. Yes, people make mistakes. But your H is making the same mistake over & over. He's searching for something outside of himself to fill some void. He probably thought you would fill it at first, then when you didn't (which you never could), he went to exGF, then she couldn't, and so on.

 

No one can fill a void in themselves by looking outside. It's all within ourselves to find our individual happiness. He needs some counseling. If he doesn't make serious strides in improving himself and his self-image, you must walk away. Even with your child. He will only erode your confidence and self-esteem to the point that neither of you will want to get out of bed in the morning.

 

By the way, I finally left my xH for good and I'm on my way to a better life. Good luck to you.

[nadz02]

Thank you for your advice!

 

Our relationship got more and more complicated when I lost myself. I Admit that after finding out he was cheating I continuously explode in anger for any disagreement we had till the point of hitting him constantly in private and in public. I am not sure if I should justify my actions with his behavior. But now he blames everything on me saying that I need to go to anger management. He admists that he needs to go to caunseling but expect for me to make the first move. WE both tryied counseling together and it was didnt work out. He continue to say that I have cause him as much hurt as he had to me. And that I am wrong this time that he hasnt been cheating at all. I guess he doesnt coutn callign someone he hurted me before a type of cheating so he expects me to get over it and focus on the fact that I usally get very angry and sometimes scream and yell and when I can t control it I will hit him.

WEll I didnt and I still dont beleive him. I print out a separation agreement for and tried to go over it with him today, but at the end he refuse to sign it. I put my feet down and set my love aside to reasure him that he needed to go. ANd so he did. I am scare to start it all over on my own and with my child. But at least it feels good to feel strong enough to discontinue hurting him myself and my child. by hitting him and by been manipulated, mislead and emotionally abuse by his cheating whether or not he is telling the truth.

[nadz02]

WEll if you check my previous post you can actually get a better sense of my situation.

 

So I made my mind up after 5 years and 1 and 1/2 of marriage to finally give up on myself and my cheating husband.

 

I told him he needed to go. He left for a day and came back. He admited he cheated after a long session of trying to convince him that the least that I expected from him was to honestly tell me the truth; becuase I fealt I am owe the truth from his mouth. I then had the courage to call an attorney to start a divorce case. I informed him that I really want to move on and get divorce. He says he is not ready to give up on us, and try to change his story about the truth of his cheating. I think he hasnt really seen me this serious about moving out that he is so scare an nervous. He is making it really hard for me by not been able to completely leave. I am scare to become weak and let past an opportunity to completely move on while having this strenght that I never experience before. I beleive than deep inside neither of us realy want to get divorce , but at the same time our love for each other it is not enough to work things out after so much pain.

 

Please give me some feed back.