Jaff Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 First met my husband 17 yrs ago, he was with someone else, told me it was over with her, she had gone home to her parents for the week. After I slept with him (I was a virgin) he promised me that he would dump her when she returned. He didnt. At first he made out he was merely sleeping on her floor? later found out he was in fact having regular sex with her. I kept crying, he kept promising he would dump her, I started to self-harm. It was 3 months before he finally stopped seeing her. I married him 5 months later, my self-esteem was very low. We went on honeymoon, he got excited about a naked woman and kept telling me to look at her as well. It made me sick, how could he, not just cos he'd only recently finished cheating but that was supposed to be our honeymoon. 7 months after cheating ended, I made several suicide attempts. He never showed any remorse, was in fact verbally abusive whenever I wanted to talk about the cheating. Up until recently he was still telling me that he still loves his ex - and some of the others. The intense hurt and pain the cheating caused has never gone away, I still get images, and he still says stuff that makes it worse, and makes me feel sick. I have never been able to trust him because of what he did to me. Over the years I felt he neglected me, was unloving, seemed not to care about me. I'd cuddle him, kiss him etc, and he was just cold towards me. Sex became rare, and seemed to be just him easing his frustrations. I realise I'm to blame as well, for the state of our relationship. Last year, I started drinking alcohol regularly to numb myself, seemed to have some kind of emotional shutdown, had a nervous breakdown in december, then in January started smoking some weird herbs regularly as well as drinking spirits. Someone gave me their phone number, I text him, met him a total of 3 times, the last time he raped me. I became pregnant (though it miscarried). Told my husband. Was really shocked how he reacted. I didnt think he'd particularly care, cos I didnt think he loved me. He was devastated that I had cheated on him. This year has been terrible, I feel so bad about what I did, I know if I had been in a sound state of mind it would never have happened. I hate that I've hurt my husband so much. At the same time I still get angry with him, I've found out many lies from him. We've been trying to make our marriage work, since what I did. Spent a lot of time talking, getting to know each other better etc. But, there's so much arguing and shouting on both sides as well. It's been so bad. I took an overdose in August. He has been physically abusive towards me on a number of occasions. The last time was the worst, he strangled me until I nearly passed out, I thought he was going to kill me. I love him to bits and he says he loves me, we've been trying to sort out our problems. But, things seem to be getting worse now. Not sure what to do; I know it's not been long and he's having trouble coping with what I did, I'm trying hard to make it up to him, it's difficult because I never got over what he did, I hate what I did, I've been trying to deal with the rape, and more recently the physical abuse. We'd like to make our marriage work. Any advice would be appreciated.
westernxer Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 He cheated on you first. Then he strangled you? I'm sorry, but you need to get away. Now. He's a bad seed, that's all there is to it. If you had any love for yourself, you'd get out of this rathole of a marriage and take him to the cleaners. Oh yeah, next time he lays a hand on you, call the cops.
harleygirl92156 Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 [size=3]therapy!!!!!!!!!!!!now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
k_lily Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 We'd like to make our marriage work. What marriage? He's been lying to you for how many years. My grandmother was a woman who stayed in this kind of marriage to a man I regretfully had to call my grandpa. I man who can treat you in such a sadistic behavior doesn't deserve your love and consideration. I can not believe that he would turn you being raped around on you. Sure, you may have sought out attention from someone else, but no one seeks out rape, that was not your fault. It would not be healthy for you to contiue in a relationship like this. You said you first met him 17 years ago, that tells me you are probably around 36 give or take. To me that means you've had time to know this man and the fact that he will not be capable of change, and that you are young enough to get on. Break away from this, give yourself a chance to heal, and learn that you are worth the love, kindness, and respect that everyone else is. But you have to start by giving yourself these things before you can expect that others will do likewise. Just remember that God loves you, we all love you, love yourself! Good Luck, and keeping talking to others about this and seeking guidance
Author Jaff Posted November 3, 2005 Author Posted November 3, 2005 Thanks for the advice. Sorry, maybe my other post was a bit confusing, he's never physically abused me until this year - after what I did in January, so it's out of character for him. He's done it too many times this year, we have talked about it and I'm sure he wont do it again. I cant help feeling that I'm partly responsible for his actions anyway, he wouldnt have been that upset and angry if I hadnt been unfaithful to him in January. I want to help him get over what I did; I dont want to leave him.
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 Jaff, Your husband has been emotionally abusive towards you for years. Mentally beating you down on top of your already weakened self-esteem. Crossing that line into physical abuse was a natural step (you were primed)…and it’s a prerequisite for more to come. He got away with it, and after a 'honeymoon' period, something will make him snap and it will be all too easy for him to strike you again. I know you want advice on how to make the marriage work. The only hope you have is to get yourselves into counseling…both marital AND individual. You both have deeper issues that need to be addressed before you can start working on your relationship. You need to rebuild that internal foundation, first. But I worry that even mentioning this to your husband might trigger a negative response. Personally, I'd love nothing more than to see you extricate yourself from this situation all together. But I know how difficult it is for you having been robbed of your courage and confidence. Is there a House of Ruth in your area … or a shelter that specifically caters to battered woman? They will afford you shelter, protection, counseling, and help you get back on your feet if you are without friends or relatives to help you out. Please find out. And if not for today, then gather the information just in case you ever need a place to go.
whichwayisup Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 He abused you emotionally and the stage of abuse has gone physical! This will keep on happening over and over and over again. There is nothing wrong with you - It's HIM. He won't change and things will get worse if you don't leave him. Yes, you love him and he probably does love you - He just doesn't show it the right way. He's sick and needs help. Find a family member or a good friend you can go to stay with for a while. Talk to your doctor, find a therapist because you need someone to help you through this stuff.
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