Caught Husband....what to do?

[imac]

My husband and I have had some issues in the last year or so. In the spring, he admitted to me that he had been frequenting a gentleman's club and became friendly with a cute dancer. She gave him her number and they started talking outside the club. When he admitted that to me, I gave him an ultimatum: leave or stay with me and go to counseling. We were having other problems and needed to go to counseling before the stripper issue. He chose to stay, we went to counseling, and our marriage was better than ever.....at least until 2 weeks ago.

 

We work together now (he used to work somewhere else for 3 years). I had the password to his work e-mail so I decided to check it out (for other reasons besides snooping). I found this message saved in a folder (it's correspondence between he and a girl he used to work with):

 

From Him:

Hey, I'm kinda bummed that you didn't tell me about your new man. I'm happy for you but sad at the same time. I know you couldn't wait. You still and always will hold a special place in my life. I wish things could have been different. Just don't forget about me. I won't forget about you. I'm happy for you that your life is working out. Just wish I was a part of it.

 

Her response:

I just think that your where you want to be (with your wife). I really care about you, but really, what's next? You are so cool and I'd love to still hang out some times. You will always be special to me too. I will never forget about you and I will always keep in touch and be friends. We can still do lunch though, if you want. I'm just going through a lot of changes and a lot of stuff (problems) so I needed some stability. I'm sorry it couldn't be with you. I just didn't want to be the other woman. I need a little more than that. Pleae don't stop talking to me because of this. I really enjoy hearing from you. Write back, kay?

 

His response:

Don't worry things are cool and I understand where you are. We must however stay friends because I value our friendship. Is this guy good to you? Don't put up with any BS. Where di you meet him?

 

Her response was just telling him about her new man.

 

His response:

Hope it works out for you. Do you feel as strong about him as you did with me?

 

When I read this, I was devestated! Back in the spring, I thought that our relationship had hit rock bottom. I was so hurt. But then things were going so well, and now this.

 

I confronted him and he denied anything happened. He said that they were just friends and that she was persuing him. IMO, he had feelings for her bc it's so obvious in the correspondence. His standard answer last night was, "I don't know."

 

I took the rest of the week off, and when he came home from work (the night after I confronted him), I told him exactly how I felt....that I was hurt, betrayed, etc. I cried to him and told him that I loved him. He said that he understands if I kick him out. We talked for a long time. In the 10 years I've been with him, he's never been as sorry as he was today. HE CRIED!!! Sobbed like a baby. First time I've ever seen him cry like this. He told me that he is sorry for hurting me, and he felt horrible. For the first time in our 10 years together, he told me that I was the best thing that happened to him.

 

I asked him (obviously) to end his "friendship" with the girl. He agreed. He also agreed to do ANYTHING to save our marriage and family because he knows that this is the last chance.

 

On one hand, I feel like I made the right choice, at least that's what my heart says. On the other hand, my head tells me that I should have kicked him out.

 

Now, he's having a hard time because I have bouts of emotional turmoil (read: crying for no reason). He feels that in my heart, I don't want him there.

 

He's had 2 or 3 opportunites to leave. We have 3 children together. Just looking for support and advice. I really don't know what to do.

[Tangerina]

In my young life I have never experienced anything like this, so I don't know if I can really give advice, but I just wanted to say that I read your story and I really feel for you... The thing is people are people and life is messy and unfortunately things just aren't always clearcut... It sounds as if he really does love you and if it truely does feel right in your heart I'd say stay with it and go to counciling together... but if I were you I would make it clear that the ball is in his court, that he is going to really have to work to "make it up to you"... whatever that means... that he needs to really do some soul searching and decide for himself that his committment to you is the most important thing to him and then earn your trust back and prove to you that it is important to him.....

[MustB1]

Do research on ptsd and infidelity, have your H read any and all research you find on the topic. Infidelity isn't something you just get over.

[westernxer]

The two of you need marriage counseling if you plan to stick around.

[RecordProducer]

You don't cry for "no reason" as you stated. You cry because your husband cheated on you and lied to you. He even lied to you now when he said that this girl pursued him and he had nothing with her. Yeah, right! She said:

I'm sorry it couldn't be with you. I just didn't want to be the other woman. I need a little more than that

It sounds like she wanted more than he wanted with her - he wanted her to be the other woman. He apparently tried to sleep with her. Does it matter whether she refused or accepted? Besides he never mentioned this "friend" who was in love with him to you.

 

If you want to stay married, you can choose to forgive him or not, but don't fool yourself and believe his lies, for your own sake. Don't expect to fully trust him again and blame yourself when you feel that you can't. Don't expect to move on and not be hurt for years after this. Don't force yourself to forgive him and pretend that you have.

 

If I were you, I would divorce him, but this is your life not mine. I feel for you and wish you the best in whatever you choose. This is a really tough situation. Do what's best for you and your children.

[k_lily]

I myself am rather young, and recently married, but I still find concern for the dilema you are in. The fact that this has sort've happened between the two of you already (ie. the stripper) really bothers me. I feel as though if you don't take a higher stance against him, he will know he can walk all over you. I'm not disagreeing that he likely does love you and highly care about you, but cheating is cheating.

 

You seem like an intelligent and eloquent woman, don't let him do this to you. I would at least consider a trial seperation.

 

I guess I should ask though, how old your three children are? If they are younger, I know you will both be concerned how they will take it, but at the same time you will be setting the right example for them. It they are older, they will already understand.

 

I apologize, because I will probably quote this incorrectly, but there is always an Irish Proverb that helps me in times like these...

 

"May God grant you the ability

To know those who love you

By the heart they wear

On their sleeve

And if he can not

May he turn the ankle

Of those who won't

So you may know them

By the limp in their stride..."

 

I hope any of this helps... Good luck

 

Kealy

[Zaira]

 

It sounds like your relationship will take a little while to get back on track. You need to get your trust back.

 

Maybe he is genuinely sorry. I just don't know sometimes with men, if they cry because they are sorry, or because they got found out.

 

He needs to step up and sort this out for the sake of you, and his children. Whether anything physical happened or not, he still betrayed you. Those emails are not innocent.

 

You need to decide if you're willing to forgive him and move on. He needs to decide if he can be faithful. Like someone else said, counselling may be the way to go. Whether it is together, or separately.

 

All the best

[Mz. Pixie]

He must stop all contact with this other woman.

 

He must open up every aspect of his life for your inspection at any time- no private e mail accounts, his cell phone records must be public to you. He lost the right to be trusted when he cheated.

 

Counseling is a must. I personally don't think that any couple can make it through this without it.

[Lonestar]

Why is it that they always break down and cry AFTER they get caught. Are they really crying because they're sorry, or because they got caught and the guilt of looking like the biggest A-hole of the year is tearing them up?

 

He would have kept doing that behind your back as long as he didn't get caught. He's crying now because he knows there's no other way to get you to forgive him. If you're going to take him back, at least make him spend several weeks without you first. Separate, and make him prove with actions that he'll change and never do this to you again. If you forgive him too quickly, he'll do it again, because he knows the punishment won't be severe.

[imac]

He must stop all contact with this other woman.

 

He must open up every aspect of his life for your inspection at any time- no private e mail accounts, his cell phone records must be public to you. He lost the right to be trusted when he cheated.

 

Counseling is a must. I personally don't think that any couple can make it through this without it.

 

I've been going to individual counseling since discovering the e-mails. He goes for the first time tonight. I think we need to do this for ourselves, before we start marriage counseling again.

 

He e-mailed OW the day after I confronted him (and copied me): OW, our friendship has caused a strain on my marriage. Due to this strain I am going to have to ask you not to contact me anymore.

 

1 week later, she replied: Wow, I'm truly sorry. I didn't mean to cause any strains on your marriage. I guess it's unfortunate that <your wiefe> doesn't know me well enough to know that that is how I talk and get along with everyone, but I don't mean anything by it. Please let her know that I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to disrespect her. Well, if she feels that way, I will respect that. I hope that she comes to the understanding that it was nothing and we can all three be in better terms. Once again, sorry.

 

The really uncomfortable thing about this is that H and I work in the same industry. I know the OW and will probably have contact with her again in the future. I've decided not to reply to her e-mail because I don't want to open the lines of communication. After all, this situation is about H and me and has nothing to do with her.

 

I'm trying to move forward and put the past behind us. I've decided that I don't want to know details of their "friendship" but I deserve to know why it happened and why it won't happen again.

 

H and I had another deep conversation about "us" last night. He says that he wants things to work out, but he's uncomfortable with the awkwardness.

 

I have access to his cell phone messages, his work messages and his private e-mail messages. He's given me all the passwords. I do know that if he wants to contact her, he will.....there is always the secret cell phone and secret e-mail account. I want to trust him again, and I don't want to live the rest of my life being suspicious.

[deesgirl]

Hon, you've found out about two women. How many haven't you found out about?

 

He knew he almost lost you over the stripper, but yet tried to have an affair (and did have an emotional affair) with another woman.

 

Some people just don't have it in them to be faithful. I'm sure he does love you, but he doesn't respect you:(

[RainyDayWoman]

just curious...for what "other reasons" besides snooping did you have to check an old folder in his work email?

 

 

edit****now i kind of see the answer to my question....my new question is this...

 

if it's possible for you to check all his stuff out and he knows you have the passwords, did he maybe want to you to see those emails?

 

otherwise, he's not a very smart person.

[crazy_grl]

1 week later, she replied: Wow, I'm truly sorry. I didn't mean to cause any strains on your marriage. I guess it's unfortunate that <your wiefe> doesn't know me well enough to know that that is how I talk and get along with everyone, but I don't mean anything by it.

 

What a dumb thing for her to say. She talks to everyone about how she wishes she could be with them, but doesn't want to be the OW?? Is that how she talks to her boss? Does she really think anyone in their right mind would believe that? If it got to the point where she was worrying about being the OW, it was not "nothing" as she claims even if nothing physical happened.

 

I think you're right not to respond and not to speak to her. And no matter how "sorry" she is and how much she "doesn't mean anything by it", don't even think about giving your H permission to speak to her again either. (Not that I think you were, but just in case.)

[GuySimple]

Wow, that email was exactly like the ones I use to send to the woman I had an affair with several years ago after I went back to my wife. Just because he came back to you does not mean the emotions that he had for the woman have stopped. Mine didn't. I knew that I couldn't have a relationship but that didn't stop me from writing her over the first year after our breakup.

 

The other one says that maybe he is looking for something else.

[kareylyn]

I know exactly what your going through and my heart goes out to you. I turned 28 on a Tuesday, my grandma died that Wednesday and he left me that Thursday because I wasn't making him happy after 10 years and 3 children. Then found him with the other woman (a friend of mine). Come to find out he has been seeing her for months. Sleeping with her then coming home sleeping with me. I didnt think anything could hurt worse than when he left, but feeling guilty and wondering what I had done wrong and then finding him with her hurt way worse. I havent slept or ate in two weeks. But I did lose 30 pounds out of the deal. Didnt know that was physically possible, but it is. You need to do what your heart tells you. If it says he doesnt respect me and I would be happier without him, do that. If you cant fathom the thought of him not being in your life (I dont mean fear of being alone either) then stay and work it out. You will make it either way, you just have to decide which way you will be happiest. Best of luck to you. I know I will need all the luck I can get because Christmas Eve is our anniversary. Gonna suck this year!